IDENTICAL
Also by Ellen Hopkins
Crank
Impulse
Burned
Glass
Margaret K. McElderry Books
Margaret K. McElderry Books
An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing Division
1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2008 by Ellen Hopkins
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hopkins, Ellen.
Identical / Ellen Hopkins.—1st ed.
p. cm.
Summary: Sixteen-year-old identical twin daughters of a district-court judge and a candidate for the United States House of Representatives, Kaeleigh and Raeanne Gardella desperately struggle with secrets that have already torn them and their family apart.
eISBN-13: 978-1-4169-8465-8
ISBN-10: 1-4169-8465-8
[1. Novels in verse. 2. Family problems—Fiction. 3. Emotional problems—Fiction. 4. Secrets—Fiction. 5. Sexual abuse victims—Fiction. 6. Twins—Fiction. 7. Sisters—Fiction. 8. California—Fiction.] I. Title.
PZ7.5.H67Ide 2008
[Fic]—dc22
2007032463
Visit us on the World Wide Web:
http://www.SimonSays.com
This book is dedicated to Dianne, Karen, and Tracy, dear friends and special women who rose to shine like stars above dark places in their lives.
With special thanks to Jude, who provided invaluable insight about the psychology of sexual abuse—its victims and victimizers.
Contents
Chapter 1: Raeanne
Mirror, Mirror
Interesting Question
One Soul or Two
But Telling
Chapter 2: Kaeleigh
I Wish I Could Tell
There’s Daddy
Tell on Me
We Live in a Fine Home
But It Really
I Clearly Recall
Mom Always Started
But That Was Before
Afterward
No One Else Suspects
Chapter 3: Raeanne
Kaeleigh Closes Herself Off
But Obsessions Are Personal, I Guess
Numb
Numb Cannot Fight Such Need
I Stop in the Girls’ Room
Mick’s Sexy
Mick and Marijuana
Chapter 4: Kaeleigh
Call Me Powerless
Ian Is My Best Friend
This Huge Part of Me
I Still Haven’t Imploded
Chapter 5: Raeanne
Promises Are Meaningless
Madison Happens to Be
She’ll Scream Loud Enough
She Was Mad, Okay
In Control
I’ve Got to Learn
Chapter 6: Kaeleigh
If Only
I Work Part-Time
Greta Is My Faux Grandma
Once in a While
This Afternoon
One Problem About Caring
Chapter 7: Raeanne
Mick Picked Me Up
Like I Care
My Bedroom Is Dark
It’s Bone-Chilling Here
Woven
The Innocence
What Came Later
Chapter 8: Kaeleigh
Can’t Believe
Drama Is Last Block
Not Sure Why
I Need to Get My License
The More Immediate Problem
Not at All
To Be Fair
Some Girls I Know
Chapter 9: Raeanne
Kind of Funny
Other Men, Anyway
Kaeleigh’s Not into Fishing
No Doubt
Daddy Isn’t Running
Queries Fly
Some Thirtyish Ditz
Castrated
Sound Bites Bitten
Chapter 10: Kaeleigh
Having Mom Home
Actually, I’m Hungry
And Tonight Mom’s Home
Mom Pours a Glass of Wine
We Empty Our Glasses
Out, Where I Should Be
Chapter 11: Raeanne
I Called Mick
There’s a Party
He Slows
Needless to Say
Turns Out
We Wander into the Woods
The Guy Knows How
Chapter 12: Kaeleigh
My Inner Child
Daddy Strokes My Cheek
Not a Creature Is Stirring
The Old Folks’ Home
Memory Strikes Suddenly
I Didn’t Panic Then
Unlike Everyone Else
I Want to Talk
I Go Over to Her
Chapter 13: Raeanne
We All Have Demons
I Guess I Might
With or Without Love
But Kicking Ass
I Just Have to Find It
I’ll Have to Wait to Use It, Though
Doing Lunch
That Was Fun
Chapter 14: Kaeleigh
Everyone’s Laughing
Ian Retaliates
Eventually
Not Exactly
It’s Been a While
But When It Comes
And So, Right Now
It’s Probably Weird
Sweet Stuff
The Answering Machine
My Head Is in the Fridge
The Impossible News
Chapter 15: Raeanne
Rich!
What a Great Thing
What Could the Gossip Be?
Mom Will Want to Know
Wonder If I Should Be Scared
How Far Will I Go
In the Dark
Mom Was Gone Again
Kaeleigh Didn’t Know
That Brought Him Out of His Trance
She Never Tattled
Chapter 16: Kaeleigh
This Morning I Wake
Am I Sick?
Totally Humiliated
Yeah, It Stings
Ugly Flesh
Backpack Stuffed
I Back Up the Hallway
He Caresses
The Jeans Rub My Cut
He Pulls Up
After That
Chapter 17: Raeanne
School Drags Today
I’m Trying to Avoid
I Have No Real Right
As I Move Closer
Maybe That Wasn’t
Once Again
He Announces the Problem
Do Something?
This, Too, Could Go
Unfortunately
Not Sure Where
I Rejoin Mick
Most of the Time
Chapter 18: Kaeleigh
PE Today
Maybe Life Is Random
It Was Greta
She Believes That Too
No Time for a Major Lovefest
Still Feeling It
I’m Almost to Work
No Party Tonight
Looks Like Love
Envy Surges
That Was an Incredibly Bad Scene
Chapter 19: Raeanne
Kaeleigh Takes Herself
But Whatever Created It
Oh, and Guess What
Ze
ro to Sixty
Fun, Ty-Style
This Is Something New
Games, Ty-Style
True to His Word
I Understand
Chapter 20: Kaeleigh
Long Night
Not Sure Exactly When
The Clock Agrees
Do This, Don’t Do That
But He’s Gone Now
Brittany, Finally
Not Being Top
Flat Barely Describes It
His Term or Ian’s?
The Tow Truck Finally Arrives
Chapter 21: Raeanne
Life Is Rarely Dull
Kaeleigh Came Home from School
One of Kaeleigh’s Regular Binges
The Worst Part Is
They Extricate Themselves
Most People
Face Washed, Teeth Brushed
Mom Was Off on a Retreat
Worse,
But Tonight Will Be Perv-Free
Chapter 22: Kaeleigh
Daddy’s Still Asleep
Not Right Now, Though
I Don’t Want to Relive
Then Again, the Sad Fact Is
As Expected
So of Course
We Actually Arrive
I File That Away
Hard Enough
It Just Slipped
Saved by the Bell
I’m Generally Not Big
Chapter 23: Raeanne
Glad I’ve Got History Today
I Swear His Smile
Am I Sick or What?
It’s a Game, That’s All
Cat and Mouse
I Really Do
While I Might Taunt Fate
I Hoof It North
Rough Play, He Means
I Triple Promise
Ty’s Quite Recent Invitation
He Starts to Turn South
Chapter 24: Kaeleigh
I Thought Last Block
Our Fingers Interlock
We Have to Unlock
Ian, Afraid?
Ian Walks Past Her
This Afternoon
Daddy Isn’t Home
Desire Strikes Like a Cobra
And I Think
Speaking of Snakes
I Walk Ian to His Bike
Notice I Didn’t Say Gone
Chapter 25: Raeanne
The Library
Glad I Wore Jeans Today
Questions? Yeah, I’ve Got Them
I Don’t Actually Ask
Lawler Doesn’t Jerk Away
Next Time!
I Watch Him Go
Coffee Actually Sounds
I Know Daddy Has Issued
I’m an Expert Interpreter
Right Now His Eyes
Chapter 26: Kaeleigh
Today Was Incredible
My Parents Aren’t Real
Of Course, Maybe Daddy
Whatever Daddy Did
Double the Pleasure
Double the Fun
I Start to Feel
What Does Make Him Drink?
I Regret Everything Immediately
I So Do Not Deserve Him
Time For a Chopin Pee
Not Mental Pain
New Blade
I’ve Heard Exsanguination
Chapter 27: Raeanne
OM–Effing–G
Speaking of Souls, Monsters, Etc.
Daddy and Hannah
Being
Sex, Sex, Sex
First, I Have to Get Through the Day
I Decide to Act Ignorant
He Has No Idea
School Totally Drags
Lawler Definitely Notices
Yes, Yes, and…?
He Gives Me Directions
The Rest of the Day
Chapter 28: Kaeleigh
The Bus Seems Slower
But Daddy’s Attention
I Slip Off My Shoes
I’m Kind of Liking
I’d Probably Just
Why Am I Always So Polite?
His Words
My Hand Is Turning
Not Grandma Betty
A Shadow Falls
I Don’t Want to Hang Up
I’m Running Really Late
I Thank Hannah for the Ride
Satisfaction
Chapter 29: Raeanne
Lawler’s House
He’s Gone for Over an Hour
The Doorbell Interrupts
Seamless
But Now I Have to Go
I Know He Has More to Say
Lawler Pulls Over
A Man with Morals
Anyway, Lawler Seems
Happy Ever After
Chapter 30: Kaeleigh
Sunday Morning
Either Way
I Was Supposed
Oh Yeah, Blast from the Past
I Lay Awake
Not a Good Time
I Want to Talk to Ian
And Still No One’s Awake
Schizophrenic Me
Greta’s Tale
Love, Resurrected
And Now I See His Face
Like a Puppy
Chapter 31: Raeanne
Home Bitter Home
Topping Today’s Rant List
This Is a Rare Opportunity
Surreal
Meanwhile, Think I’ll Dive
Daddy Takes a Gulp
That Was the Most
The Topic of Conversation
She Knows More, of Course
A Lot of Wine Later
I Stumble Off to Bed
Mom Had Been Spending
No Doubt About It
Chapter 32: Kaeleigh
I Can Hardly Wait
I Am on My Third Bowl of Cereal
He Hasn’t Asked
We Are Still Very Close
I Exit the Kitchen
All Hope Dissolved
Fine by Me
Safe in the Far Stall
I’m Watching Blood Drip
With Everyone, That Is
So, So Mine or Not
Ian Kills the Motor
Almost Home
The House Is Crazy
Spit Pools
Chapter 33: Raeanne
Holy Effing Moly
The Afternoon’s Drama
He Picked Up
Out the Window
A Half Hour Later
I Could Just Do It
The Greed Factor, Again
The Avalanche Lurches Forward
How Would That Look on Headline News?
The Road into Town
An Hour’s Walk Home
I Wake to a Hailstorm
Light Through the Window
No One Has a Clue
Chapter 34: Kaeleigh
The Dreaded Day
Most of Me
School Is My Refuge
I Couldn’t Care Less
Bling for a Day
I Angle Closer
She’s In Over Her Head
Daddy Returns
Just Then Someone Turns Up
Chapter 35: Raeanne
By Midnight
Kaeleigh Has Withdrawn
I Finally Limp
The Telephone Wakes Me
Daddy Grabs the Phone
Unable to Guess
The Bad Thing About Fear
The Bad Thing About Puking Regularly
Totally Puked Out
I Dial His Number
But If Ty Wants Me
Chapter 36: Kaeleigh
Three Days
School Was Crazy
One Thing Kind of Weird, Though
At Last the Bus Goes By
I Try to Keep That in Mind
I Close My Door
Soundless as a Shadow
Back and Forth
I Want to Shout
He Says Not a Word
Both Parts
Envelo
ped by November Fog
The First Face I See
Her Voice Softens
Oh, How I Want To
Chapter 37: Raeanne
IMH (not) O
I’m Not Even Sure
Afraid to Die Loveless
Before the Other Night
Being Easier
Any Drugs
The Biggest Surprise
But It Isn’t Mick
Highway 154
Longing Lunges
Yes, Every Kiss Is Different
Ian Moans
Ian’s Sense
Chapter 38: Kaeleigh
Falling
Tick-Tock
A Voice
Another Voice
I Fall Again
I Let Out All My Breath
Damn Footsteps
Oops, Too Late
They Move into the Hallway
Following Through
Chapter 39: Raeanne
I Can’t Believe
Don’t Know
I Think
It’s Morning Before He Comes
Almost a Week
Daddy Acts
The Last Time
He Is a Cold-Hearted Bastard
Operative Word: Easy
Between Brittany’s Driving
We Find the House
The House Is Small
He Winces Slightly
Bam, Sledgehammer
A Half-Assed Honk
Ugly Little Movies
I Should Go Home
Major Dilemma
I’m Living Dangerously
His Place
Ty’s House
And the Doorbell Rings
Mom and Raeanne Away
I Think I’m Dead
Chapter 40: Kaeleigh
I Wish I Were Dead
Fragments Shards
At First
I Tell Her I’ll Think About It
When I Wake Up
Take It All Back
I Stare at the Night Sky
I’m Still Tired
When Carol Comes
That’s All I’m Ready to Give Today
Tomorrow Isn’t Far Enough Away
Mom Promises
I Suppose I Got the Addictive Gene
I’m Deep into Conversation
Wow, Ballsy
Turns Out
What Do I Have to Live For?
I Can’t Blame Ian at All
But I Do Know What Love Is
Someone’s in My Room
Must Be a Dream
Okay, One Thing to Live For
Daddy Comes to Pick Me Up
Six Months
Turned Out
I Forgave Her
Drained Dry
Except for Ian
I Cringe
She Is My Real Angel
Ian Still Doesn’t Know
I’d Like to Say
When I Do Those Things
Chapter 41: Raeanne
And I’ll Be Watching
Reading Group Guide
‘Perfect’ Teaser
PUBLISHER'S NOTE
This ebook is best read at the smallest font setting on your device.
IDENTICAL
Raeanne
Mirror, Mirror
When I look into a
mirror,
it is her face I see.
Her right is my left, double
moles, dimple and all.