Breathe deep.
“That sounds bad too.
I’m taking his picture.”
I hold up my photography pack and
Flash kit.
“Be back in a bit.”
“IT’S REALLY DARK OUT HERE,”
Trevor comments as he
Pulls his jacket tighter.
He peers toward the highway behind us, where
There are very few cars.
I continue fiddling with the umbrella so
It won’t blow away in this wicked wind,
Hoping I can pull off this technique before we
Freeze to death.
Twenty minutes later,
I think I’ve got the shot I want, and
Trevor and I are huddled in my car.
He was the perfect model this time,
Doing exactly what I said with his hands and
Feet and
Body.
I put the flash behind him, so
His facial expression didn’t matter.
He’s blowing on his hands;
I’m sitting on mine;
The heater is taking forever to warm up.
The radio is on low, and
We’re done shooting, but
I don’t want to go home yet.
Trevor doesn’t seem to be in a hurry either.
“How were midterms?” I ask.
“Fine,” he says.
He lowers his hands and
Sits so still.
The air is charged with tension.
I recognize this feeling,
This awkward anticipation.
I’ve felt it before with Trevor.
Before he asked me out.
Before he kissed me.
Before I found out Harris had defaced my locker.
I’ve felt a lot of things with Trevor, and
I’ve been brushing them away for months—
Eighteen of them.
But now, I hold onto my feelings,
Acknowledge them,
Embrace the spontaneity of them.
Don’t think, just react.
“What’s wrong?”
I turn toward him, finally relaxing as
I feel the first inklings of heat from the vents.
I pull my hands from under my legs and
Rest them in my lap.
“Nothing.”
He shifts toward me too, and
The heat I feel is suddenly coming from him.
It’s dark, but
I can see the outline of his face.
I can see his hand as he moves it toward me.
He fumbles a little bit but
Manages to wrap his fingers around mine.
My first reaction is to sigh and
Close my eyes,
Enjoy the warmth of his skin and
The firmness of his fingers around mine.
Don’t think, just react,
Jacey had said.
I squeeze his hand—
My next reaction.
He squeezes back.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME?
My midnight text gets sent late so
Trevor might not see it until morning.
My heart jumps when my phone vibrates.
I smile, though
I try to hold it back.
Him: Do I need a reason?
Me: Yes.
I mean, I’m not very nice to you.
I’ve told you no.
And—
Him: You don’t act like I’m king of the world.
I stop typing, reading and
Re-reading his words.
Me: And
So you like me because I don’t act like
You’re the hottest boy ever born?
Him: Are you saying I’m the hottest boy ever born?
Me: Haha
Him: Seriously, Wings.
I like you.
I don’t really want to qualify it against
Someone else’s reasons for why.
Me:
Him, only seconds later: I want to be waiting for you when
You find your way back.
I brush away the tears threatening to
Spill out.
Him: That’s why I’ve put up with your attitude.
;)
Me: I’m sorry.
Him: Don’t be.
When I get lost,
I’ll be counting on you
To find me.
Mom’s voice on the message sounds pleasant,
Unrushed.
“Trevor is staying at the house again this weekend.
His mom got a new job, and
She’s traveling more than she used to.
I hope that’s okay.
Your dad mentioned that you don’t like it when he’s here, and
I want you to be comfortable.
Call me, okay?”
I delete the message,
Marveling that Mom called because
She…
Cares how I feel?
I call her back, and
Tell her it’s fine if Trevor’s there, and
Ask her what she has planned for the weekend.
She sounds surprised that I’ve asked, and
A twinge of guilt stabs through me.
“Maybe we could go shopping?” she asks.
I wrinkle my nose and
Suggest, “Movie instead?
Maybe pizza after?
Rose will beg for ice cream too.”
Mom laughs, and
I can’t remember the last time I heard her do that,
Especially not because of something I’ve done.
My chest feels so tight,
So tight.
“Mom—” I start and
Find I can’t finish.
Tears prick behind my eyes and
I suddenly hate this wall between us.
Mom doesn’t seem to notice that
I’m on the verge of a break-down, because
She says, “See you tonight.
Movie date on Saturday!” and
Hangs up.
“HEY, WINGS,”
Trevor says when
Rose and I arrive at the Youngbloods
On Friday night.
He’s lounging in the kitchen,
A plate of food in front of him.
“My mom sent dinner tonight since
Our parents have that country club thing.
You guys hungry?”
Rose looks at me before
Bounding over to Trevor.
They’re not best friends or
Anything, but
He’s always been nice to her and
That’s all Rose cares about.
“Mmm, spaghetti,” she says.
“Does your mom cook every night?
Livvy cooks for us.”
“I know,” Trevor says.
“Remember I ate with you guys a couple of weeks ago?”
He places a piece of garlic bread in front of her and
Turns to heat up her spaghetti in the microwave.
I lean against the doorway,
Watching them.
“And my mom hardly ever cooks,” he continues.
“I’m really good at ordering pizza and
Going to a drive-through.”
Rose smiles at him and
Then at me.
“Come eat, Livvy.”
So I do.
“BUT MOM IS TAKING US TO A MOVIE TOMORROW,”
I protest when Rose wants to do
Movie night tonight.
“I like the stay-home movie night,” she insists.
“There’s popcorn in the cupboard, and
I brought a box of hot chocolate from Dad’s.”
I sigh,
Knowing I won’t win against my sister.
I can’t stand to see her unhappy, and
&n
bsp; She wants a stay-home movie night complete with
Popcorn and hot chocolate.
“Fine,” I concede. “What movie?”
“Something we all like,”
Trevor says as he enters the family room with
A huge bowl of popcorn.
He’s carrying two additional bowls and
A stack of napkins.
“You’re staying here?”
This night is moving toward something
I’m not sure I’m ready for.
“I have no other plans.”
He sets the popcorn down and
Turns back to the kitchen.
“Milk or water for your hot chocolate, Rose?”
“Milk,” she says,
Still searching for the right movie.
Ten minutes later,
I’ve strategically positioned myself in
The recliner instead of on
The sectional with
Rose and Trevor.
She’s happily slurping her hot chocolate and
Crunching on popcorn,
The beginnings of Bridge to Terabithia
Pouring from the huge TV.
Trevor seems content with his snacks and
The choice of movie.
He hasn’t looked at me once,
Hasn’t acted like he’s anything more than
My friend.
I clench my fingers around my mug of hot chocolate and
Try to focus on the movie.
“LOOKS LIKE SHE’S OUT FOR GOOD.”
Trevor’s voice interrupts my intense focus on
The tree house on the TV.
“What?”
I turn toward him and
Find Rose fast asleep on the couch.
My heart simultaneously drops and
Leaps.
I remember the way Trevor’s hand felt in mine,
I remember how I slowly drove him home after the shoot,
Holding his hand for a good fifteen minutes.
I remember how he’d whispered, “See you later, Wings,” and
Got out of the car without
Trying anything else, or
Asking me to go out with him, or
Anything.
He gets up and
Gathers his mug and Rose’s.
“You done?”
“Yeah, sure.”
I hand him my empty mug and
Half-empty bowl.
He leaves, and
I can’t stop the thoughts
Parading through my head.
I want to sit next to him on the couch.
I want to hold his hand again.
I jump from the recliner and
Listen for him to approach.
When I hear his footsteps,
I hurry to the built-in closet behind the couch.
“What are you looking for?” he asks.
“A blanket,” I say.
“I’m cold.”
He opens the door two down from me and
Pulls out a huge quilt.
He takes it with him as he moves back to his spot
On the couch.
I close the closet door slowly,
Watching him.
Is he inviting me to sit next to him?
Share the blanket with him?
I go to the cabinet where he got the blanket,
Not sure how to get what I want without
Admitting
How I feel.
“We can share,” he says.
“I don’t mind.”
“I DON’T MIND EITHER.”
I can’t believe I said that,
I think after
I’m settled next to Trevor on the couch.
I’m not touching him, but
I desperately want to hold his hand.
I can’t believe he didn’t say something like,
“Are you saying you like me?
Want to sit next to me?
Hold my hand?”
But he’d simply held the blanket aside until
I sat next to him.
Then he tossed it over my legs and
Let me take as much as I wanted.
I’m calculating how much time we have to be alone when
He leans toward me.
“This movie always makes me cry,” he whispers.
“I know,” I say without turning.
“I’ve watched this with you before.”
“Really?” he asks.
“I don’t remember.”
“Yeah.”
I turn toward him.
“Remember we watched it after—”
He raises his arm and
Gently pulls me forward until
I’m cradled against his chest.
“Ah, now I remember.
We used to watch a lot of movies like this.”
His heartbeat is galloping,
A gentle bumping against my cheek.
Don’t think, just react.
I smile and
Slide my arm around his waist.
“I don’t know what’s changed with you,” he says real quiet so
He won’t wake Rose, or
Maybe so he won’t scare me away.
“But I’m not complaining.”
“I’m trying to find my way back.”
“I know, but
What’s changed?
Two weeks ago,
You said I had no chance with you, and
Now you’re letting me hold your hand and
I’m thinking I could probably kiss you and
You’d let me do that too.”
My lips tingle just thinking about kissing him.
“Um,” I say.
“I’m working through some stuff, and
Jacey said I should just react and
Stop thinking so much.”
“Jacey is so smart,” he says with a chuckle.
I HAD A FUN TIME AT THE MOVIES WITH MY MOM.
I stare at the fresh journal page,
Completely shocked that I’m writing again.
I haven’t written in a journal since
Trevor and I broke up.
But I did have a good time at the movies with
Mom and
Rose.
We got popcorn and
Sodas.
After, Rose got her way, and
Mom bought ice cream.
Mom laughed,
Hugged Rose, and
Smiled at me like she used to before
I discovered her affair with Darren Youngblood.
I still blame her for leaving us and
Going off to live with Darren, but
I’m starting to realize now that
She didn’t replace us with a new family,
That she isn’t perfect, but
That she…loves us.
That she loves me.
TREVOR IS UNREASONABLY HAPPY TODAY,
Jacey texts on Monday during her lunch.
Me: So?
Jacey: You better tell me everything.
Right now.
I know you’re hiding something.
I’ve been holding onto the secret of
Trevor, of
Holding his hand, of
Listening to the beat of his heart instead of
Listening to the movie.
I hadn’t even cried like I usually do, because
I’d been so happy with Trevor.
Me: Okay, fine.
I may have held his hand last weekend, and
We may have watched a movie together on Friday.
Jacey: !!!
Gotta go,
Come get me after school.
Me: Don’t make a big deal out of this.
I’m just reacting,
Like you suggested.
Jacey doesn’t answer, because
She’s in class.
I flip my phone over,
Thinking about everything’s that changed since
I started shooting him.
Because of him,
I’m taking pictures again, and
I love it.
Because of him,
I’ve forgiven my mom—
Just a little bit—
But still.
Because of him,
I’m contemplating taking a picture of myself so
I can see who I really am,
How I really feel.
I thumb the camera on and
See myself staring at the screen.
I quickly tap the shutter button, and
The camera clicks.
“I HATE MY HAIR,”
I mutter.
I’ve never realized it until now,
Staring at myself on
The screen of my phone.
I see myself in the mirror all the time, and
I’ve cut my hair this way on purpose.
But looking at myself in this cheap,
Phone-taken
Picture,
I realize
I hate my hair.
“LET’S TRY AGAIN.”
I navigate back to the camera, and
This time,
I try to smile.
“I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.”
I can’t smile right.
It feels wrong,
Like I’ve forgotten how to do it because
It’s been so long since I’ve tried—or
Had a reason to smile.
I touch the shutter anyway and
Analyze the picture.
I see nothing in my eyes.
None of the happiness,
Joy, or
Amusement
You’d expect to see in a picture of someone smiling.
I don’t look annoyed either, or
Like the photographer has coaxed this smile from
Me by proclaiming, “Smile!”
I simply look…dead inside,
Like a girl who’s trying to smile because
A boy challenged her to take a selfie and
See what it said about her.
But this photo says nothing about me,
And yet,
It says everything.
It says how unhappy I’ve allowed myself to become, and