And it wasn’t any trouble, either. All I did was go out and get a store-bought cake, and keep it around for a while, and then slip it in, unbeknownst to anybody. Simple.
YOUNG MAN
You’re a very resourceful person.
GRANDMA
Pioneer stock.
YOUNG MAN
Is all this true? Do you want me to believe all this?
GRANDMA
Well, you can believe it or not … it doesn’t make any difference to me. All I know is, Uncle Henry’s Day-Old Cake won me twenty-five thousand smackerolas.
YOUNG MAN
Twenty-five thou—
GRANDMA
Right on the old loggerhead. Now … how do you like them apples?
YOUNG MAN
Love ’em.
GRANDMA
I thought you’d be impressed.
YOUNG MAN
Money talks.
GRANDMA
Hey! You look familiar.
YOUNG MAN
Hm? Pardon?
GRANDMA
I said, you look familiar.
YOUNG MAN
Well, I’ve done some modeling.
GRANDMA
No … no. I don’t mean that. You look familiar.
YOUNG MAN
Well, I’m a type.
GRANDMA
Yup; you sure are. Why do you say you’d do almost anything for money … if you don’t mind my being nosy?
YOUNG MAN
No, no. It’s part of the interview. I’ll be happy to tell you. It’s that I have no talents at all, except what you see … my person; my body, my face. In every other way I am incomplete, and I must therefore … compensate.
GRANDMA
What do you mean, incomplete? You look pretty complete to me.
YOUNG MAN
I think I can explain it to you, partially because you’re very old, and very old people have perceptions they keep to themselves, because if they expose them to other people … well, you know what ridicule and neglect are.
GRANDMA
I do, child, I do.
YOUNG MAN
Then listen. My mother died the night that I was born, and I never knew my father; I doubt my mother did. But, I wasn’t alone, because lying with me … in the placenta … there was someone else … my brother … my twin.
GRANDMA
Oh, my child.
YOUNG MAN
We were identical twins … he and I … not fraternal … identical; we were derived from the same ovum; and in this, in that we were twins not from separate ova but from the same one, we had a kinship such as you cannot imagine. We … we felt each other breathe … his heartbeats thundered in my temples … mine in his … our stomachs ached and we cried for feeding at the same time … are you old enough to understand?
GRANDMA
I think so, child; I think I’m nearly old enough.
YOUNG MAN
I hope so. But we were separated when we were still very young, my brother, my twin and I … inasmuch as you can separate one being. We were torn apart … thrown to opposite ends of the continent. I don’t know what became of my brother … to the rest of myself … except that, from time to time, in the years that have passed, I have suffered losses … that I can’t explain. A fall from grace … a departure of innocence … loss… loss. How can I put it to you? All right; like this: Once … it was as if all at once my heart … became numb … almost as though I … almost as though … just like that … it had been wrenched from my body … and from that time I have been unable to love. Once … I was asleep at the time … I awoke, and my eyes were burning. And since that time I have been unable to see anything, anything, with pity, with affection … with anything but … cool disinterest. And my groin … even there … since one time … one specific agony … since then I have not been able to love anyone with my body. And even my hands … I cannot touch another person and feel love. And there is more … there are more losses, but it all comes down to this: I no longer have the capacity to feel anything. I have no emotions. I have been drained, torn asunder … disemboweled. I have, now, only my person … my body, my face. I use what I have … I let people love me … I accept the syntax around me, for while I know I cannot relate … I know I must be related to. I let people love me … I let people touch me … I let them draw pleasure from my groin … from my presence … from the fact of me … but, that is all it comes to. As I told you, I am incomplete … I can feel nothing. I can feel nothing. And so … here I am … as you see me. I am … but this … what you see. And it will always be thus.
GRANDMA
Oh, my child; my child.
(Long pause; then)
I was mistaken … before. I don’t know you from somewhere, but I knew … once … someone very much like you … or, very much as perhaps you were.
YOUNG MAN
Be careful; be very careful. What I have told you may not be true. In my profession …
GRANDMA
Shhhhhh.
(The YOUNG MAN bows his head, in acquiescence)
Someone … to be more precise … who might have turned out to be very much like you might have turned out to be. And … unless I’m terribly mistaken … you’ve found yourself a job.
YOUNG MAN
What are my duties?
MRS. BARKER
(Off stage)
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
GRANDMA
Oh-oh. You’ll … you’ll have to play it by ear, my dear … unless I get a chance to talk to you again. I’ve got to go into my act, now.
YOUNG MAN
But, I …
GRANDMA
Yoo-hoo!
MRS. BARKER
(Coming through archway)
Yoo-hoo … oh, there you are, Grandma. I’m glad to see somebody. I can’t find Mommy or Daddy.
(Double takes)
Well … who’s this?
GRANDMA
This? Well … uh … oh, this is the … uh … the van man. That’s who it is … the van man.
MRS. BARKER
So! It’s true! They did call the van man. They are having you carted away.
GRANDMA
(Shrugging)
Well, you know. It figures.
MRS. BARKER
(To YOUNG MAN )
How dare you cart this poor old woman away!
YOUNG MAN
(After a quick look at GRANDMA, who nods)
I do what I’m paid to do. I don’t ask any questions.
MRS. BARKER
(After a brief pause)
Oh.
(Pause)
Well, you’re quite right, of course, and I shouldn’t meddle.
GRANDMA
(To YOUNG MAN )
Dear, will you take my things out to the van?
(She points to the boxes)
YOUNG MAN
(After only the briefest hesitation)
Why certainly.
GRANDMA
(As the YOUNG MAN takes up half the boxes, exits by the front door)
Isn’t that a nice young van man?
MRS. BARKER
(Shaking her head in disbelief, watching the YOUNG MAN exit)
Unh-hunh … some things have changed for the better. I remember when I had my mother carted off … the van man who came for her wasn’t anything near as nice as this one.
GRANDMA
Oh, did you have your mother carted off, too?
MRS. BARKER (Cheerfully)
Why certainly! Didn’t you?
GRANDMA (Puzzling)
No … no, I didn’t. At least, I can’t remember. Listen dear; I got to talk to you for a second.
MRS. BARKER
Why certainly, Grandma.
GRANDMA
Now, listen.
MRS. BARKER
Yes, Grandma. Yes.
GRANDMA
Now listen carefully. You got this dilemma here with Mommy and Daddy …
MRS. BARKER
Yes! I wonder wh
ere they’ve gone to.
GRANDMA
They’ll be back in. Now, LISTEN!
MRS. BARKER
Oh, I’m sorry.
GRANDMA
Now, you got this dilemma here with Mommy and Daddy, and I think I got the way out for you.
(The YOUNG MAN re-enters through the front door)
Will you take the rest of my things out now, dear?
(To MRS. BARKER, while the YOUNG MAN takes the rest of the boxes, exits again by the front door)
Fine. Now listen, dear.
(She begins to whisper in MRS. BARKER’s ear)
MRS. BARKER
Oh! Oh! Oh! I don’t think I could … do you really think I could? Well, why not? What a wonderful idea … what an absolutely wonderful idea!
GRANDMA
Well, yes, I thought it was.
MRS. BARKER
And you so old!
GRANDMA
Heh, heh, heh.
MRS. BARKER
Well, I think it’s absolutely marvelous, anyway. I’m going to find Mommy and Daddy right now.
GRANDMA
Good. You do that.
MRS. BARKER
Well, now. I think I will say good-by. I can’t thank you enough.
(She starts to exit through the archway)
GRANDMA
You’re welcome. Say it!
MRS. BARKER
Huh? What?
GRANDMA
Say good-by.
MRS. BARKER
Oh. Good-by.
(She exits)
Mommy! I say, Mommy! Daddy!
GRANDMA
Good-by.
(By herself now, she looks about)
Ah me.
(Shakes her head)
Ah me.
(Takes in the room)
Good-by.
(The YOUNG MAN re-enters)
Oh, hello, there.
YOUNG MAN
All the boxes are outside.
GRANDMA
(A little sadly)
I don’t know why I bother to take them with me. They don’t have much in them … some old letters, a couple of regrets … Pekinese … blind at that … the television … my Sunday teeth … eighty-six years of living … some sounds … a few images, a little garbled by now … and, well …
(She shrugs)
… you know … the things one accumulates.
YOUNG MAN
GRANDMA
Oh no, dear … thank you just the same. I’ll take it from here.
YOUNG MAN
And what shall I do now?
GRANDMA
Oh, you stay here, dear. It will all become clear to you. It will be explained. You’ll understand.
YOUNG MAN
Very well.
GRANDMA
(After one more look about)
Well …
YOUNG MAN
Let me see you to the elevator.
GRANDMA
Oh … that would be nice, dear.
(They both exit by the front door, slowly)
(Enter MRS. BARKER, followed by MOMMY and DADDY )
MRS. BARKER
… and I’m happy to tell you that the whole thing’s settled. Just like that.
MOMMY
Oh, we’re so glad. We were afraid there might be a problem, what with delays, and all.
DADDY
Yes, we re very relieved.
MRS. BARKER
Well, now; that’s what professional women are for.
MOMMY
Why … where’s Grandma? Grandma’s not here! Where’s Grandma? And look! The boxes are gone, too. Grandma’s gone, and so are the boxes. She’s taken off and she’s stolen something! Daddy!
MRS. BARKER
Why, Mommy, the van man was here.
MOMMY
(Startled)
The what?
MRS. BARKER
The van man. The van man was here.
(The lights might dim a little, suddenly)
MOMMY
(Shakes her head)
No, that’s impossible.
MRS. BARKER
Why, I saw him with my own two eyes.
MOMMY
(Near tears)
No, no, that’s impossible. No. There’s no such thing as the van man. There is no van man. We … we made him up. Grandma? Grandma?
DADDY
(Moving to MOMMY)
There, there, now.
MOMMY
Oh Daddy … where’s Grandma?
DADDY
There, there, now.
(While DADDY is comforting MOMMY, GRANDMA comes out, stage right, near the footlights)
GRANDMA
(To the audience)
Shhhhhh! I want to watch this.
(She motions to MRS. BARKER, who, with a secret smile, tiptoes to the front door and opens it. The YOUNG MAN is framed therein. Lights up full again as he steps into the room)
MRS. BARKER
Surprise! Surprise! Here we are!
MOMMY
What? What?
DADDY
Hm? What?
MOMMY
(Her tears merely sniffles now)
What surprise?
MRS. BARKER
Why, I told you. The surprise I told you about.
DADDY
You … you know, Mommy.
MOMMY
Sur … prise?
DADDY
(Urging her to cheerfulness)
You remember, Mommy; why we asked … uh … what’s-her-name to come here?
MRS. BARKER
Mrs. Barker, if you don’t mind.
DADDY
Yes. Mommy? You remember now? About the bumble … about wanting satisfaction?
MOMMY
(Her sorrow turning into delight)
Yes. Why yes! Of course! Yes! Oh, how wonderful!
MRS. BARKER
(To the YOUNG MAN )
This is Mommy.
YOUNG MAN
How … how do you do?
MRS. BARKER
(Stage whisper)
Her name’s Mommy.
How … how do you do, Mommy?
MOMMY
Well! Hello there!
MRS. BARKER
(To the YOUNG MAN )
And that is Daddy.
YOUNG MAN
How do you do, sir?
DADDY
How do you do?
MOMMY
(Herself again, circling the young man, feeling his arm, poking him)
Yes, sir! Yes, sirree! Now this is more like it. Now this is a great deal more like it! Daddy! Come see. Come see if this isn’t a great deal more like it.
DADDY
I … I can see from here, Mommy. It does look a great deal more like it.
MOMMY
Yes, sir. Yes sirree! Mrs. Barker, I don’t know how to thank you.
MRS. BARKER
Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ll send you a bill in the mail.
MOMMY
What this really calls for is a celebration. It calls for a drink.
MRS. BARKER
Oh, what a nice idea.
MOMMY
There’s some sauterne in the kitchen.
YOUNG MAN
I’ll go.
MOMMY
Will you? Oh, how nice. The kitchen’s through the archway there.
(As the YOUNG MAN exits: to MRS. BARKER)
He’s very nice. Really top notch; much better than the other one.
MRS. BARKER
I’m glad you’re pleased. And I’m glad everything’s all straightened out.
MOMMY
Well, at least we know why we sent for you. We’re glad that’s cleared up. By the way, what’s his name?
MRS. BARKER
Ha! Call him whatever you like. He’s yours. Call him what you called the other one.
MOMMY
&nb
sp; Daddy? What did we call the other one?
DADDY
(Puzzles)
Why …
YOUNG MAN
(Re-entering with a tray on which are a bottle of sauterne and five glasses)
Here we are!
MOMMY
Hooray! Hooray!
MRS. BARKER
Oh, good!
MOMMY
(Moving to the tray)
So, let’s— Five glasses? Why five? There are only four of us. Why five?
YOUNG MAN
(Catches GRANDMA’s eye; GRANDMA indicates she is not there)
Oh, I’m sorry.
MOMMY
You must learn to count. We’re a wealthy family, and you must learn to count.
YOUNG MAN
I will.
MOMMY
Well, everybody take a glass.
(They do)
And we’ll drink to celebrate. To satisfaction! Who says you can’t get satisfaction these days!
MRS. BARKER
What dreadful sauterne!
MOMMY
Yes, isn’t it?
(To YOUNG MAN, her voice already a little fuzzy from the wine)
You don’t know how happy I am to see you! Yes sirree. Listen, that time we had with … with the other one. I’ll tell you about it some time.
(Indicates MRS. BARKER)
I’ll tell you all about it.
(Sidles up to him a little)
Maybe … maybe later tonight.
YOUNG MAN
(Not moving away)
Why yes. That would be very nice.
MOMMY
(Puzzles)
Something familiar about you … you know that? I can’t quite place it. …
GRANDMA
(Interrupting … to audience)
Well, I guess that just about wraps it up. I mean, for better or worse, this is a comedy, and I don’t think we’d better go any further. No, definitely not. So, let’s leave things as they are right now … while everybody’s happy … while everybody’s got what he wants … or everybody’s got what he thinks he wants. Good night, dears.
CURTAIN