DADDY
(Snapping to)
Yes … yes … good for you!
MOMMY
And I made an absolutely terrible scene; and they became frightened, and they said, “Oh, madam; oh, madam.” But I kept right on, and finally they admitted that they might have made a mistake; so they took my hat into the back, and then they came out again with a hat that looked exactly like it. I took one look at it, and I said, “This hat is wheat-colored; wheat.” Well, of course, they said, “Oh, no, madam, this hat is beige; you go outside and see.” So, I went outside, and lo and behold, it was beige. So I bought it.
DADDY
(Clearing his throat)
I would imagine that it was the same hat they tried to sell you before.
MOMMY
(With a little laugh)
Well, of course it was!
DADDY
That’s the way things are today; you just can’t get satisfaction; you just try.
MOMMY
Well, I got satisfaction.
DADDY
That’s right, Mommy. You did get satisfaction, didn’t you?
MOMMY
Why are they so late? I don’t know what can be keeping them.
DADDY
I’ve been trying for two weeks to have the leak in the johnny fixed.
MOMMY
You can’t get satisfaction; just try. I can get satisfaction, but you can’t.
DADDY
I’ve been trying for two weeks and it isn’t so much for my sake; I can always go to the club.
MOMMY
It isn’t so much for my sake, either; I can always go shopping.
DADDY
It’s really for Grandma’s sake.
MOMMY
Of course it’s for Grandma’s sake. Grandma cries every time she goes to the johnny as it is; but now that it doesn’t work it’s even worse, it makes Grandma think she’s getting feeble-headed.
DADDY
Grandma is getting feeble-headed.
MOMMY
Of course Grandma is getting feeble-headed, but not about her johnny-do’s.
DADDY
No; that’s true. I must have it fixed.
MOMMY
WHY are they so late? I don’t know what can be keeping them.
DADDY
When they came here the first time, they were ten minutes early; they were quick enough about it then.
(Enter GRANDMA from the archway, stage-left. She is loaded down with boxes, large and small, neatly wrapped and tied.)
MOMMY
Why Grandma, look at you! What is all that you’re carrying?
GRANDMA
They’re boxes. What do they look like?
MOMMY
Daddy! Look at Grandma; look at all the boxes she’s carrying!
DADDY
My goodness, Grandma; look at all those boxes.
GRANDMA
Where’ll I put them?
MOMMY
Heavens! I don’t know. Whatever are they for?
GRANDMA
That’s nobody’s damn business.
MOMMY
Well, in that case, put them down next to Daddy; there.
GRANDMA
(Dumping the boxes down, on and around DADDY’s feet)
I sure wish you’d get the john fixed.
DADDY
Oh, I do wish they’d come and fix it. We hear you … for hours … whimpering away. …
MOMMY
Daddy! What a terrible thing to say to Grandma!
GRANDMA
Yeah. For shame, talking to me that way.
DADDY
I’m sorry, Grandma.
MOMMY
Daddy’s sorry, Grandma.
GRANDMA
Well, all right. In that case I’ll go get the rest of the boxes. I suppose I deserve being talked to that way. I’ve gotten so old. Most people think that when you get so old, you either freeze to death, or you burn up. But you don’t. When you get so old, all that happens is that people talk to you that way.
DADDY
(Contrite)
I said I’m sorry, Grandma.
MOMMY
Daddy said he was sorry.
GRANDMA
Well, that’s all that counts. People being sorry. Makes you feel better; gives you a sense of dignity, and that’s all that’s important … a sense of dignity. And it doesn’t matter if you don’t care, or not, either. You got to have a sense of dignity, even if you don’t care, ’cause, if you don’t have that, civilization’s doomed.
MOMMY
You’ve been reading my book club selections again!
DADDY
How dare you read Mommy’s book club selections, Grandma!
GRANDMA
Because I’m old! When you’re old you gotta do something. When you get old, you can’t talk to people because people snap at you. When you get so old, people talk to you that way. That’s why you become deaf, so you won’t be able to hear people talking to you that way. And that’s why you go and hide under the covers in the big soft bed, so you won’t feel the house shaking from people talking to you that way. That’s why old people die, eventually. People talk to them that way. I’ve got to go and get the rest of the boxes.
(GRANDMA exits)
Poor Grandma, I didn’t mean to hurt her.
MOMMY
Don’t you worry about it; Grandma doesn’t know what she means.
DADDY
She knows what she says, though.
MOMMY
Don’t you worry about it; she won’t know that soon. I love Grandma.
DADDY
I love her, too. Look how nicely she wrapped these boxes.
MOMMY
Grandma has always wrapped boxes nicely. When I was a little girl, I was very poor, and Grandma was very poor, too, because Grandpa was in heaven. And every day, when I went to school, Grandma used to wrap a box for me, and I used to take it with me to school; and when it was lunchtime, all the little boys and girls used to take out their boxes of lunch, and they weren’t wrapped nicely at all, and they used to open them and eat their chicken legs and chocolate cakes; and I used to say, “Oh, look at my lovely lunch box; it’s so nicely wrapped it would break my heart to open it.” And so, I wouldn’t open it.
DADDY
Because it was empty.
MOMMY
Oh no. Grandma always filled it up, because she never ate the dinner she cooked the evening before; she gave me all her food for my lunch box the next day. After school, I’d take the box back to Grandma, and she’d open it and eat the chicken legs and chocolate cake that was inside. Grandma used to say, “I love day-old cake.” That’s where the expression day-old cake came from. Grandma always ate everything a day late. I used to eat all the other little boys’ and girls’ food at school, because they thought my lunch box was empty. They thought my lunch box was empty, and that’s why I wouldn’t open it. They thought I suffered from the sin of pride, and since that made them better than me, they were very generous.
DADDY
You were a very deceitful little girl.
MOMMY
We were very poor! But then I married you, Daddy, and now we’re very rich.
DADDY
Grandma isn’t rich.
MOMMY
No, but you’ve been so good to Grandma she feels rich. She doesn’t know you’d like to put her in a nursing home.
DADDY
I wouldn’t!
MOMMY
Well, heaven knows, I would! I can’t stand it, watching her do the cooking and the housework, polishing the silver, moving the furniture. …
DADDY
She likes to do that. She says it’s the least she can do to earn her keep.
MOMMY
Well, she’s right. You can’t live off people. I can live off you, because I married you. And aren’t you lucky all I brought with me was Grandma. A lot of women I know would have brought the
ir whole families to live off you. All I brought was Grandma. Grandma is all the family I have.
DADDY
I feel very fortunate.
MOMMY
You should. I have a right to live off of you because I married you, and because I used to let you get on top of me and bump your uglies; and I have a right to all your money when you die. And when you do, Grandma and I can live by ourselves … if she’s still here. Unless you have her put away in a nursing home.
DADDY
I have no intention of putting her in a nursing home.
MOMMY
Well, I wish somebody would do something with her!
DADDY
At any rate, you’re very well provided for.
MOMMY
You’re my sweet Daddy; that’s very nice.
DADDY
I love my Mommy.
(Enter GRANDMA again, laden with more boxes)
GRANDMA
(Dumping the boxes on and around DADDY’s feet)
There; that’s the lot of them.
DADDY
They’re wrapped so nicely.
GRANDMA
(To DADDY)
You won’t get on my sweet side that way …
MOMMY
Grandma!
GRANDMA
… telling me how nicely I wrap boxes. Not after what you said: how I whimpered for hours. …
MOMMY
Grandma!
GRANDMA
(To MOMMY)
Shut up!
(To DADDY)
You don’t have any feelings, that’s what’s wrong with you. Old people make all sorts of noises, half of them they can’t help. Old people whimper, and cry, and belch, and make great hollow rumbling sounds at the table; old people wake up in the middle of the night screaming, and find out they haven’t even been asleep; and when old people are asleep, they try to wake up, and they can’t … not for the longest time.
MOMMY
Homilies, homilies!
GRANDMA
And there’s more, too.
DADDY
I’m really very sorry, Grandma.
GRANDMA
I know you are, Daddy; it’s Mommy over there makes all the trouble. If you’d listened to me, you wouldn’t have married her in the first place. She was a tramp and a trollop and a trull to boot, and she’s no better now.
MOMMY
Grandma!
GRANDMA
(To MOMMY)
Shut up!
(To DADDY)
When she was no more than eight years old she used to climb up on my lap and say, in a sickening little voice, “When I gwo up, I’m going to mahwy a wich old man; I’m going to set my wittle were end right down in a tub o’ butter, that’s what I’m going to do.” And I warned you, Daddy; I told you to stay away from her type. I told you to. I did.
MOMMY
You stop that! You’re my mother, not his!
GRANDMA
I am?
DADDY
That’s right, Grandma. Mommy’s right.
GRANDMA
Well, how would you expect somebody as old as I am to remember a thing like that? You don’t make allowances for people. I want an allowance. I want an allowance!
DADDY
All right, Grandma; I’ll see to it.
MOMMY
Grandma! I’m ashamed of you.
GRANDMA
Humf! It’s a fine time to say that. You should have gotten rid of me a long time ago if that’s the way you feel. You should have had Daddy set me up in business somewhere … I could have gone into the fur business, or I could have been a singer. But no; not you. You wanted me around so you could sleep in my room when Daddy got fresh. But now it isn’t important, because Daddy doesn’t want to get fresh with you any more, and I don’t blame him. You’d rather sleep with me, wouldn’t you, Daddy?
MOMMY
Daddy doesn’t want to sleep with anyone. Daddy’s been sick.
DADDY
I’ve been sick. I don’t even want to sleep in the apartment.
MOMMY
You see? I told you.
DADDY
I just want to get everything over with.
MOMMY
That’s right. Why are they so late? Why can’t they get here on time?
GRANDMA
(An owl)
Who? Who? … Who? Who?
MOMMY
You know, Grandma.
GRANDMA
No, I don’t.
MOMMY
Well, it doesn’t really matter whether you do or not.
DADDY
Is that true?
MOMMY
Oh, more or less. Look how pretty Grandma wrapped these boxes.
GRANDMA
I didn’t really like wrapping them; it hurt my fingers, and it frightened me. But it had to be done.
MOMMY
Why, Grandma?
GRANDMA
None of your damn business.
MOMMY
Go to bed.
GRANDMA
I don’t want to go to bed. I just got up. I want to stay here and watch. Besides …
MOMMY
Go to bed.
DADDY
Let her stay up, Mommy; it isn’t noon yet.
GRANDMA
I want to watch; besides …
DADDY
Let her watch, Mommy.
MOMMY
Well all right, you can watch; but don’t you dare say a word.
GRANDMA
Old people are very good at listening; old people don’t like to talk; old people have colitis and lavender perfume. Now I’m going to be quiet.
DADDY
She never mentioned she wanted to be a singer.
MOMMY
Oh, I forgot to tell you, but it was ages ago.
(The doorbell rings)
Oh, goodness! Here they are!
GRANDMA
Who? Who?
MOMMY
Oh, just some people.
GRANDMA
The van people? Is it the van people? Have you finally done it? Have you called the van people to come and take me away?
DADDY
Of course not, Grandma!
GRANDMA
Oh, don’t be too sure. She’d have you carted off too, if she thought she could get away with it.
MOMMY
Pay no attention to her, Daddy.
(An aside to GRANDMA)
My God, you’re ungrateful!
(The doorbell rings again)
DADDY
(Wringing his hands)
Oh dear; oh dear.
MOMMY
(Still to GRANDMA)
Just you wait; I’ll fix your wagon.
(Now, to DADDY)
Well, go let them in, Daddy. What are you waiting for?
DADDY
I think we should talk about it some more. Maybe we’ve been hasty … a little hasty, perhaps.
(Doorbell rings again)
I’d like to talk about it some more.
MOMMY
There’s no need. You made up your mind; you were firm; you were masculine and decisive.
DADDY
We might consider the pros and the …
MOMMY
I won’t argue with you; it has to be done; you were right. Open the door.
DADDY
But I’m not sure that …
MOMMY
Open the door.
DADDY
Was I firm about it?
MOMMY
Oh, so firm; so firm.
DADDY
And was I decisive?
MOMMY
SO decisive! Oh, I shivered.
DADDY
And masculine? Was I really masculine?
MOMMY
Oh, Daddy, you were so masculine; I shivered and fainted.
GRANDMA
Shivered and fainted, did she? Humf!
MOMMY
You be quiet.
GRANDMA
Old people have a right to talk to themselves; it doesn’t hurt the gums, and it’s comforting.
(Doorbell rings again)
DADDY
(Backing off from the door)
Maybe we can send them away.
MOMMY
Oh, look at you! You’re turning into jelly; you’re indecisive; you’re a woman.
DADDY
All right. Watch me now; I’m going to open the door. Watch. Watch!
MOMMY
We’re watching; we’re watching.
GRANDMA
I’m not.
DADDY
Watch now; it’s opening.
(He opens the door)
It’s open!
(MRS. BARKER steps into the room)
Here they are!
MOMMY
Here they are!
GRANDMA
Where?
DADDY
Come in. You’re late. But, of course, we expected you to be late; we were saying that we expected you to be late.
MOMMY
Daddy, don’t be rude! We were saying that you just can’t get satisfaction these days, and we were talking about you, of course. Won’t you come in?
MRS. BARKER
Thank you. I don’t mind if I do.
MOMMY
We’re very glad that you’re here, late as you are. You do remember us, don’t you? You were here once before. I’m Mommy, and this is Daddy, and that’s Grandma, doddering there in the corner.
MRS. BARKER
Hello, Mommy; hello, Daddy; and hello there, Grandma.
DADDY
Now that you’re here, I don’t suppose you could go away and maybe come back some other time.
MRS. BARKER
Oh no; we’re much too efficient for that. I said, hello there, Grandma.
MOMMY
Speak to them, Grandma.
GRANDMA
I don’t see them.
DADDY
For shame, Grandma; they’re here.
MRS. BARKER
Yes, we’re here, Grandma. I’m Mrs. Barker. I remember you; don’t you remember me?
GRANDMA
I don’t recall. Maybe you were younger, or something.
MOMMY
Grandma! What a terrible thing to say!
MRS. BARKER
Oh now, don’t scold her, Mommy; for all she knows she may be right.
DADDY
Uh … Mrs. Barker, is it? Won’t you sit down?
MRS. BARKER
I don’t mind if I do.
MOMMY
Would you like a cigarette, and a drink, and would you like to cross your legs?
MRS. BARKER