A READER’S DIGEST BOOK
Copyright ©2012 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc.
All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction, in any manner, is prohibited.
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FOR READER’S DIGEST
Project Manager and Art Director: Elizabeth Tunnicliffe
Humor Editor, Reader’s Digest Magazine: Andy Simmons
Senior Art Director: George McKeon
Editor-in-Chief, Books & Home Entertainment: Neil Wertheimer
Associate Publisher, Trade Publishing: Rosanne McManus
President and Publisher, Trade Publishing: Harold Clarke
Editor-in-Chief, Reader’s Digest North America: Liz Vaccariello
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on request.
Cover and spot illustrations: George McKeon
Cartoon Credits: John Caldwell: 19, 29, 50, 58, 168; Dave Carpenter: 24, 36, 89, 128, 157, 176; Joe di Chiarro: 61; Roy Delgado: 99, 184, 200, 213; Ralph Hagen: 11, 67, 106, 116, 163; Mike Lynch: 41, 55, 64; Scott Arthur Masear: 6, 135, 144, 192; Harley Schwadron: 103, 111, 139; Steve Smeltzer: 84, 92, 181, 205; Thomas Bros.: 76, 81, 96, 197, 208; Kim Warp: 70, 189; WestMach: 14, 151, 173
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ISBN: 978-1-60652-481-7
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A Note from the Editors
Bosses usually aren’t very funny—at least not when it’s your boss standing in front of your desk with eyes and mouth ablaze. But start telling boss jokes with your friends on a casual Saturday evening, and the laughter can shake the house.
Truth is, the workplace can be absurd, goofy, ridiculous, and sometimes, really fun. After all, there are so many opportunities for crazy things to be said and done—in job applications, meetings, speeches, customer complaints, and coffee breaks.
Reader’s Digest has been sharing laughs about the work world in our magazine pages for decades. Now we’ve gathered the funniest of the funny into one volume. In the pages ahead you’ll find hundreds of our most hilarious jokes, cartoons, and real-life experiences about all things work. You may wonder if someone really wrote that in their résumé, or said that in a meeting, or encountered such a customer in their store. Then you’ll pause and say, “Sure!” because we’ve all witnessed something just like it.
What makes laughter the best medicine is its ability to erase stress, change negative moods to positive, and put the craziness of life into a bigger, happier perspective. All this is particularly true when it comes to work. So come Monday morning, when your boss is heading your way, keep these jokes in mind and smile. Because life is too short for anything else.
Contents
A Note from the Editors
The Search
Amusing Ads
Ridiculous Résumés
Incredible Interviews
On the Job
Corporate Miscommunications
Extraordinary Excuses
Up, Down, and Out
The Powers That Be
Expert Antics
Law and Order
What’s Up, Doc?
Airport Hijinks
Sales and Service Slip-ups
Tech Talk
Divine Duties
That’s Academic
Last Laughs
Kids’ Quips
Dumb and Dumber
Just for Laughs
Amusing Ads
A recent job posting on monster.com tells it like it really is: “Each new member of our team participates in eight weeks of management training classes done in on-site classrooms during the curse of the normal workday.”
—SHERI JARMAN
Job ad in the York, PA., Daily Record: “Attention: Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn’t bad.”
During a recent job search, I encountered many well-meaning human resources personnel. Often, if a position was filled, they sent letters to the other candidates informing them that someone else had been chosen. One especially empathetic human-resources manager wrote, “I’m sorry to say that we were able to find a candidate who fits our requirements.”
—JOAN M. WEIS
An ad in our church bulletin read: “Receptionist needed for busy chiropractic office.” I faxed my resumé and got called for an interview. After hanging up, I realized I didn’t know the name or location of the business. I found two listings for chiropractors in the phone book and dialed the first number. “Are you hiring a receptionist?” I asked politely.
“Why?” countered a cold-rasped voice. “Do I sound that bad?”
—JAYNE THURBER-SMITH
An employment website boasted that it provided training, counseling, and placement services. What’s more, “many services are available in Spanish, and we arrange interrupters.”
—CLARA EMLEN
Outside a California penitentiary: “Now taking applications.”
—MALLORY PRITCHARD
Walking down the street, a dog saw a sign in an office window. “Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal-opportunity employer.”
The dog applied for the position, but was quickly rebuffed. “I can’t hire a dog for the job,” the office manager said. But when the dog pointed to the line that read “An equal-opportunity employer,” the office manager sighed and asked, “Can you type?” Silently, the dog walked over to a typewriter and flawlessly banged out a letter. “Can you operate a computer?” the manager inquired. The dog then sat down at a terminal, wrote a program and ran it perfectly.
“Look, I still can’t hire a dog for this position,” said the exasperated office manager. “You have fine skills, but I need someone who’s bilingual. It says so right in the ad.”
The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”
—LAWRENCE VAN GELDER
A job application made me do a double take. After the entry “Sex,” the applicant had written, “Once in Florida.”
—SUSAN WEBB
Looking over the job listings on The Home Depot website, I noticed one with a highly peculiar job description: “On rare occasions there may be a need to move or lift light articles. Examples include executive assistant, bank loan officer and accounting clerk.”
—DENNIS E. BOWYER
Private school has a position open for science teacher. Must be certified or certifiable.
—VILMA COOK
From The (Newark, New Jersey) Star-Ledger: “Auditions for Sly Fox, seeking nine men ages 20 to 90 and two women (one young and innocent, one not).”
—CHARLES COLLINS
I just saw an ad for a position I feel completely qualified for: “Wanted: bartenders. No exp. necessary. Must have: legal ID, phone, transportation, and teeth.”
—AMY GOSS
I called a temp agency looking for work, and they asked if I had any phone skills. I said, “I called you, didn’t I?”
—ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
Under “Help Wanted” in The North Missourian: “Chuck Anderson Ford-Mercury is looking for new and used salespeople.”
—TYSON OTTO
The sign in the store window read: No Help Wanted. As two men passed by, one said to the other, “You should apply—you’d be great.”
—E. M. UNGER
These inventive ads all appeared in a neighborhood newspaper in San Antonio, Texas.
“Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month.”
“Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.”
“Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.”
—AUDREY POSELL
“Actually, what I need in an assistant is someone who knows how to work the cappucino machine.”
On a sign in a fabric store: “Help Wanted. Must have knowledge of sewing, crafts and quitting.”
Experienced cooks specializing in Italian cuisine & waitresses.
—R. BETTS
Help wanted ad in the Newport News, Va., Daily Press: “Satellite installers needed. Must have own transportation.”
—WAVERLY TRAYLOR
On the door of a Virginia grocery store: “Now hiring—two part-time perishable clerks.”
—BENTON TAYLOR
Here’s a company that has low standards and doesn’t mind owning up. Its help-wanted ad: “Seeking laborers, equipment operators, and dumb truck drivers.”
—CAROLYN CHEATHAM
“Help wanted—local pallet-maker needs hardworking employees,” read the ad in the Lebanon (Missouri) Daily Record. “Please do not apply if you oversleep, have no car, have no baby-sitter everyday, experience flat tires every week, leave early for probation meeting. Must be able to work and talk at same time.”
—MARTINA EDWARDS
Ridiculous Résumés
An enthusiastic young woman came into the nursing home where I work, and filled out a job application. After she left, I read her form and had to admire her honesty. To the question “Why do you want to work here?” she had responded, “To get experience for a better job.”
—DEBORAH L. BLAND
In the department store where I worked, my boss had asked me to look into hiring several cashiers. Reading through job applications, I burst out laughing at one answer. Next to the question “Salary expectations,” the applicant had written a single word: “Yes.”
—MICHEL PAYETTE
I was updating my résumé and at the same time decided to update my husband’s too. When I reached the “Postsecondary studies” on Marc’s, I asked, “Honey, what were your minor and major when you did your Bachelor of Arts at the University of Ottawa?”
“I don’t remember,” he replied.
“Why don’t you check on your diploma?” I suggested.
After a few moments, I heard him laughing. “There’s a problem: I got my diploma printed in Latin, and I can’t read it anymore.”
—LISA LEVESQUE-DESROSIERS
Reviewing an employee’s file in our human-resources office, I came across the information sheet he had completed when he was first hired. In the blank for whom we should contact in an emergency, he had filled in his girlfriend’s name. Next to it was a blank for “relationship.” He had written: “shaky.”
—DONI FRAZIER
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out application forms, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under “Previous Employment” she wrote, “Baby Sitting.”
In answer to “Reason for Leaving,” she replied, “Parents came home.”
—DONALD GEISER
One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application is “Position Wanted.”
One job seeker wrote “Sitting.”
—FLO TRAYWICK
One read through this man’s résumé and it was no wonder he was looking for a new line of work: Under “Previous Job,” he’d written, “Stalker at Walmart.”
—CINTHIA ALBERS
I stressed to my Grade XII class the need to present themselves positively in their letters of application for employment. One of my students took my words to heart. Instead of the customary “Yours Truly” or “Sincerely,” he wrote “Eventually Yours.”
—LESLIE M. WALKER
Despite years of exceeding quota in my sales career, my lack of education was an obstacle whenever I searched for work. Finally, I started listing under “education” on my résumé, “College of Hard Knocks.”
I was surprised, then, to be hired as regional sales manager by a Fortune 500 company that had required a degree in its job posting. Soon after I started, my boss came by and asked me, “So what was your major at the University of Knoxville?”
—JOE BOSCH
Finding a job after prison is tough. Nevertheless, I refused to run from my past. So while filling out an application for a video wholesaler, I answered questions honestly. When it asked about previous employer, I wrote: Dept. of Corrections. Job description? Barber/inmate. Earnings? Fifty cents an hour. How long? Six years. Why did you leave? They let me. I got the job.
—PAUL DEGGES
I won’t be hiring this assistant soon, even if her résumé boasts, “I’m a team player with 16 years of assassinating experience.”
Looking for a job?
Be sure to proof your résumé and cover letters!
Dear Sir or Madam:
“I am sure you have looked through several résumés with the same information about work experience, education, and references. I am not going to give you any of that stuff.”
“My mother delivered me without anesthesia, so I have an IQ of 146 and can therefore learn anything.”
“I enjoy working closely with customers, and my pleasant demeanor helps them feel comfortable and relaxed—not afraid.”
“I realize that my total lack of appropriate experience may concern those considering me for employment.” But “I have integrity, so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.”
“In my next life, I will be a professional backup dancer or a rabbi,” but for now, “I am attacking my résumé for you to review.”
“Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”
Sincerely, Hapless Job Seeker
—RESUMANIA.COM
The office where I work had received a number of résumés for a job opening. Although most of them were similar, one in particular stood out. In describing her current work responsibilities, a woman had written: “I conducted office affairs in the absence of the president.”
—MARY SCHAFER
“Ah, raised by wolves on the plains of Wyoming. And where did you learn about us?”
A résumé came across my desk at our software company. It was from a man clearly eager for a new line of work. Under the category “previous work experience,” he’d written, “Peasant.”
—M. L. HICKERSON
Résumé Bombs
Candidate listed military service dating back to before he was born.
Candidate claimed to be a member of the Kennedy family.
Job seeker claimed to be the CEO of a company, when he was an hourly employee.
Job seeker included samples of work, which were actually those of the interviewer.
Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was “drinking time.”
A young man, whose one-line résumé showed a stint at a fast food restaurant, filled out our employment application, which consisted of three questions: “Why do you want to work here?” “What strengths would you bring to the company?” and “What did you dislike about your previous employment?”
Skipping the first two, he answered the last question, “Pickles and onions.”
—PAIGE SANDERSON
Catherine, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she’d have no trouble finding a new position, because
of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her résumé to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn’t heard from anyone else. It read: “Your résumé was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.”
—HARRIET BROWN
Some people might object to filling out the part of our company’s job application form that asks “Race.”
Not one guy. He responded, “Only on the interstate.”
—SARAH LONG
After being laid off, I papered the town with my résumé. Days passed and I hadn’t received a single phone call, so I decided to take a closer look at the copies my husband had printed at his real estate office.
I quickly realized he hadn’t put blank paper in the machine. At the bottom of each copy, written in bold, was a common real estate disclaimer: “The information contained herein, while deemed to be accurate, is not guaranteed.”
—MARY CHISHOLM
Business executive to job hunter: “We’re looking for people who can help make this company profitable again. I’ll read your résumé for $200.”
—RANDY GLASBERGEN
Done with running a home business, my wife decided to look for a staff job. One day when she was out, our phone rang. A woman asked for my wife and explained she was with an investor magazine. Because of my wife’s business, we had gotten many solicitation calls for such periodicals. I quickly said, “She’s not really interested in your magazine.”
“That’s odd,” replied the woman, “because she just sent us her résumé.”
—STEPHEN DUFRESNE
Is there anything more likely to cause you an anxiety attack than your résumé getting stuck in the office copying maching?
—ORBEN’S CURRENT COMEDY
For a special season in my life, I had the pleasure of being a full-time “Mr. Mom.”