I left them all there
Quite torn up and twisted;
As I made my escape
Why, all of them missed it!
So I no longer hate
That old New Year’s Eve;
Since from a zombie attack
It allowed me to leave.
And I do have one lesson
I’d like to impart;
As your next cocktail party
Is about to start:
To see a mean zombie
Get all troubly-wubbly;
Skip brains for a change
And give him… some bubbly!
Survivor’s Christmas Carols
By Bud Hanzel and John Olson
Everyone loves Christmas carols. Even those who refuse to admit it publicly. Our carols run the gamut from traditional to popular favorites.
For those of you unfamiliar with the “Do-it-Yourself Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse” a couple of vocabulary notes are perhaps in order. First, zombies are never referred to as undead, that term describes Vampires, and a few other monsters. Zombies are “un-live” as they are in fact dead, and possess no conscious awareness of self. In relation to that terminology also come the terms “re-kill” and “re-dead”, as one simply cannot kill, what is already dead. Zombies have to be “re-killed” in order to be “re-dead.” Finally you will see the term ZTA, used throughout these carols, which is a simple acronym for Zombie Transforming Agent, the causative factor of the zombie apocalypse.
So, with that understanding of terminology, don’t be a Grinch, let your hair down, sip some eggnog and sing along.
Christmas Carols
Be Wary of the Zombie Horde
Meet Me at the Stronghold
Rudy the Un-live Zombie
The Shambling Song
The ZTA is Coming to Town
Twelve Days Surviving
Zombie Brains
Zombies Go Away
Zombie Hordes
Be Wary of the Zombie Horde
“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” is an old-school carol in the madrigal tradition, with repetitive stanzas that make it easy to sing along with. We saw no reason to break with a formula that has worked for centuries.
Be wary of the zombie horde
They have the ZTA
And when you see them coming
You had better run away
To save yourself you must prepare
For that unlucky day
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
Shovel and gun
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
In some top secret terrorist lab
A weapon they’ll create
And then quite unexpectedly
The virus will mutate
The world will become zombified
At a horrifying rate
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
Shovel and gun
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
From two most gifted authors, did
The DIY guide rise
On how to survive the zombie horde
This tome would now advise
To save your friends and family
Ignore the crosshairs’ cries
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
Shovel and gun
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
Prepare would be survivor
Let nothing you forget
You must begin your planning
And pick your stronghold yet
So zombie proof your vehicle
For thirty days be set
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
Shovel and gun
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
So gather your provisions, and
Then fortify your space
Ensure your own security when zombies start to pace
Connect with your survivor group
And plan your meeting place
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
Shovel and gun
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
When comes the day to leave your home
Be careful swift and sure
To make your trip its safest
Use a simple zombie lure
So occupy your stronghold, where
Survival you’ll ensure
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
Shovel and gun
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
So be thou well and careful in
The strength of your high walls
And foster truth and brotherhood
Within those sanctum halls
And plan for your prosperity
Once the final zombie falls
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
Shovel and gun
May you have at hand your shovel and your gun
Meet Me at the Stronghold
“I’ll Be Home for Christmas” dates back to World War II. Our version is intended for World War Zom.
I am thinking today of place that I know
With thick walls and where windows are few
Where there’s plenty of space and resources to choose
You know what to do
Meet me at the stronghold
We’ll be safe inside that place
With plenty of supplies
We’ll have guns and ammo
And our shovels too
Meet me at the stronghold
I will wait for you
Zombies may surround us
But they’ll not get through
Meet me at the stronghold
I will wait for you
I will wait for you
Rudy the Un-live Zombie
Gene Autry almost didn’t record “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”, thinking that it was too silly. However, his wife loved it and talked Gene into doing it. So, thanks Mrs. Autry, this is all your fault.
You know Vampires and werewolves and mummies are fiction
But that zombies would rise was a constant prediction
Did you ever know ‘Bout the poor guy that’s called patient zero
Rudy, the un-live zombie
First victim of the ZTA
And if you ever see him
You had better run away
All of the other zombies
Are un-live because of him
They got the bite from Rudy
And their end was rather grim
On that cold and horrible day
The zombie plague did spread
Rudy, with blood upon his lips
Started the zombie apocalypse
Now we will need a marksman
To shoot Rudy in the head
Then, Rudy, the un-live zombie
Finally will be re-dead
The Sambling Song
“The Wassilling Song” is another traditional madrigal-type carol. Like the original, our version is easy to sing along with once you hear the tune.
Here they come a-shambling
With gnashing teeth so mean
Pure zomnambulation
As far as can be seen.
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
We are not simple crosshairs
That beg you lend a hand
But we are strong survivors
Who’ve come to join your band
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
Good leader of this stronghold fine
Your help we do require
So please instruct your sentries
To kindly hold their fire
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
We have managed through our efforts here
To clear the zoms away
And promise you that none of us
Has got the ZTA
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
So open up your stronghold door
And please do let us in
If we may add our force to yours
Against the zoms we’ll win
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
We thank you for admitting us
To earn your trust we’ll strive
With guns and shovels in our hands
We’ll battle the un-live
Zombie horde comes at you
Grabbing, scratching, biting, too
May your planning have yielded a
Sturdy stronghold
And companions all able, skilled and bold
The ZTA is Coming to Town
Forget about Santa! Watch out for zombies!
Well, start watching the news
And keep a sharp eye
Start seeing the clues
I’m telling you why
The ZTA is coming to town
Start making your plans
Preparing is key
Know when to stay put
and when you should flee
The ZTA is coming to town
When zombies come a’creeping
They’ll hear your every sound
So you’d better learn to keep it quiet
Or you surely will be found
Well, start watching the news
And keep a sharp eye
Start seeing the clues
I’m telling you why
The ZTA is coming to town
Get your SUV prepped
Add a heavy snow plow
Chain link over the glass
Start doing it now
The ZTA is coming to town
Get a trusty side arm
And a rifle with scope
A machete or sword
And your shovel we hope
The ZTA is coming to town
Now once you pick your stronghold
Choose companions carefully
You don’t want many crosshairs there
‘Cause they’re not good company
So, start watching the news
And keep a sharp eye
Start seeing the clues
I’m telling you why
The ZTA is coming to town
The Twelve Days Surviving
“The Twelve Days of Christmas” is a fun song to sing. If only it weren’t so bloody long…
On the first day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
A copy of the DIY Guide
On the second day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the third day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the fourth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the fifth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the sixth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the seventh day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the eighth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Eight sniper scopes
Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the ninth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Nine long range rifles
Eight sniper scopes
Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the tenth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Ten cases ammo
Nine long range rifles
Eight sniper scopes
Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the eleventh day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Eleven Molotov cocktails
Ten cases ammo
Nine long range rifles
Eight sniper scopes
Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
On the twelfth day surviving, my
Companions gave to me
Twelve drums of fuel
Eleven Molotov cocktails
Ten cases ammo
Nine long range rifles
Eight sniper scopes
Seven pounds of C4
Six ten-inch shovels
Five MREs
Four sharpened blades
Three hand guns
Two radios
And, a copy of the DIY Guide
Zombie Brains
Like its inspiration, “Jingle Bells” this song is a lot of fun. It’s peppy, up-beat and great for group singing.
My rifle’s cleaned and oiled
The barrel’s shining bright
I see a zombie horde
Thru my telescopic sight
I shoot ’em thru the eye
With steel jacketed lead
I’ll shoot until my mag runs dry
Or the zoms are all re-dead
Oh, zombie brains, zombie brains
Mixing with the snow
Shooting zoms is easy
Just because they move so slow
Zombie brains, zombie brains
Mixing with the snow
Shooting zoms is easy
Just because they move so slow
I thought I’d set a trap
In a quarry deep and wide
Playin’ music, rock and rap
So the zoms wander inside
The walls lined with C4
And drums of gasoline
The plunger evens up the score
Ka-boom! I’ll clear the scene
Oh, zombie brains,
zombie brains
Mixing with the snow
Shooting zoms is easy
Just because they move so slow
Zombie brains, zombie brains
Mixing with the snow
Shooting zoms is easy
Just because they move so slow
Now just a few are left
I shoot them one-by-one
Who ever would’ve thought
Re-killing zombies was fun
They shamble to-and-fro
Don’t even try to hide
And since they have nowhere to go
Bang, bang, they’ve all re-died
Oh, zombie brains, zombie brains
Mixing with the snow
Shooting zoms is easy
Just because they move so slow
Zombie brains, zombie brains
Mixing with the snow
Shooting zoms is easy
Just because they move so slow
Oh, zombie brains, zombie brains
Mixing with the snow
Shooting zoms is easy
Just because they move so slow
Zombie brains, zombie brains
Mixing with the snow
Shooting zoms is easy
Just because they move so slow, yeah
Zombies Go Away
No one is spared from our satire. In this tune, Alvin and the Chipmunks’ “Christmas Don’t be Late” gets the zombie treatment. In this version the Chipmunks are replaced by the authors and illustrator of the “Do-it-yourself Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse” (John, Bud, and Mark)
(Dave:) Alright DIY creators, ready to sing your song?
(John:) We sure are
(Mark:) Yeah, let’s sing it now!
(Dave:) Okay, Bud?
(Bud:) Okay
(Dave:) Okay, Mark?
(Mark:) Okay
(Dave:) Okay John?... John?... JOHN!!!
(John:) OKAY!!
(Creators:)
Zombies, zombies, at our door