Robbery Shmobbery
(Lights up on a dark street. Professor Olypolyopolus enters, stage left. Half way across, Rick Snick steps out holding a gun.)
RICK SNICK
You! Hands in the air and give me your money.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
Hands up? And give my money? That’s funny.
RICK SNICK
Where the humor? My gun’s pointed at you.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
Robbery by gun point. Not funny. That’s true.
Comedy lies in the action you’ve made,
Reach up for money if my life’s to be saved.
RICK SNICK
Put one hand down and in your pocket reach.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
I’m a poor professor. Pity I beseech.
RICK SNICK
Just what is it you’re trying to do here?
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
Your gun scares me. I’m quaking in fear.
RICK SNICK
There! Again, rhyme for rhyme. It this a trick?
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
I think now’s a bad time to make that pick.
RICK SNICK
Pick rhymes with trick. You’ve done it every line.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
It means I’m nervous and scared, it’s a sign.
My life as a professor is poetry.
Iambic pentameter by specialty.
So when I get nervous, scared or confused
Rhyming and verse-ing I unconsciously use.
RICK SNICK
Well stop it. I insist. Enough. No more.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
It’s just I’ve never been robbed before.
I have no control. I apologize.
RICK SNICK
Do it again and I’ll shoot between your eyes.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
There, listen. It’s you that’s doing it now.
RICK SNICK
You’re wrong, mistaken, I don’t even know how.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
Twice now, listen, you have rhymed my words back.
RICK SNICK
No, you listen. I don’t rhyme that’s a fact.
I’m here to rob you not listen to smack
Hand over the money or a life you will lack.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
You said fact for back and then lack for smack.
RICK SNICK
I don’t care. See the gun? All that I ask
Is that your money finds its way to me
Well? What say you? Money and you’ll be free.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
Phew. Now I can speak. You’ve made your own rhyme.
Here’s all that I have --
RICK SNICK
All? Every last dime?
Stop it! Don’t laugh at me. Now’s not the time.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
It’s not me, it’s you and the words that you use.
RICK SNICK
Enough. No more. I don’t need the abuse.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
I’ve stopped rhyming, but it’s you going on.
RICK SNICK
It’s true, I am rhyming! What’s going wrong?
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
Not wrong, it’s great. You’ve learned to speak in verse.
RICK SNICK
Learn it? No way! It’s your fault. I’ve been cursed.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
I didn’t do this. It’s nature you see.
RICK SNICK
Nature did this? But why do it to me?
Argh! Again! Rhyme after rhyme!
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
You’ll be fine.
RICK SNICK
No I won’t. Here, take back every dime!
Just make it go away. Give me a cure.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
A cure there ain’t, but a solution, sure.
You know how a song gets stuck in your head?
Over and over ‘til you wish you were dead?
RICK SNICK
Sure, sure but what’s that to do with the verse
That falls from my mouth like an evil-eyed curse?
Oh, no. Not again. They rhyming won’t stop.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
It will, I’ll help. If that gun you will drop.
RICK SNICK
Fine. There. The gun’s on the ground. Please help me.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
Your money, too. I’ll need that. Like a fee.
RICK SNICK
Yes, take it all, any thing to be free.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
Now close your eyes and then count up to three.
When you get there, the world orange you must say.
RICK SNICK
Right. Eyes closed tight and counting as you say.
PROFESSOR OLYPOLYOPOLUS
And I’ll be off to live another day.
(Exits)
RICK SNICK
Counting one and two and three and now orange.
Is that it? Like hiccups it’s gone away?
Oh! Away doesn’t rhyme with orange hurray!
(Beat)
But hurray with away. Oh, dang it!
(Lights out.)
*****
If you enjoyed this collection of short stories you might also be interested in:
From The Angry To The Sublime: Six Ghost Stories To Entertain
The Visitors: Eight Tales Of Strange Encounters
Earl T. Roske is a writer and playwright in the San Francisco Bay Area of California.
His short stories have appeared in magazines and anthologies. His short plays have been produced around the world. His first book, "Tale Of The Music-Thief," is forthcoming.
If you enjoyed these stories and would like to know more about the author or find more work by him, please consider visiting his website at www.earltroske.com or on facebook at www.facebook.com/EarlTRoske where you can "like" him.