‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, she’s in counselling now, working out what she wants.’
Fen looks at her feet.
‘What does she want?’
‘She’s not too sure yet. Some space, for the time being. But that’s beside the point. I’ve also had some time to work out what I want, what’s right for me.’
‘Oh?’
‘And that’s you, and Amy, and Connor. And us – if that’s all right with you. I’ve told Belle. She knows and she’s OK with it.’
‘But … How? Belle won’t want to lose Amy.’
‘She won’t lose her. Amy can see Belle whenever she wants, but mainly she’ll be living here, with us. Sorry, I’m presuming again. I mean we need to talk about that first, obviously.’
‘Are you sure it’ll be all right this time? Are you sure Belle won’t change her mind?’
‘She’s had her chances. She’s made her choices. It’s our life now. If you want it to be our life, I mean – that is, yours and mine.’
Fen’s mouth is dry. She swallows.
‘And the kids, obviously.’
She looks down at herself, at her pale legs, her thin feet and the tattoo around her ankle.
‘I thought you might be … pleased,’ he says.
Fen turns. She looks out of the undercroft door and squints against the brightness of the morning.
Sean sighs. He says quietly: ‘You could always to tell me to fuck off, Fen. Nobody would blame you.’
He stares at her. She feels his gaze on her face, her shoulder, her back.
She has a million questions. She has a million doubts, a million insecurities. But she is certain of one thing. She isn’t going to do or say anything she may later regret. She is going to leave the door to her future wide open so that every opportunity has its chance to blossom.
‘The kettle’s on,’ she says. ‘Would you like some tea?’
He says: ‘I thought you’d never ask.’
Fen reaches out her hand to help him up, and his cold fingers close around hers and she knows that this time he has chosen to come to her. He has not washed up at her door by accident.
acknowledgements
Thank you to Thalia Suzuma and the team at Pan Macmillan for your kindness, professionalism and wisdom, and especially Imogen Taylor, who once again came up with the perfect title as well as suggesting many improvements. Also heartfelt thanks to Marianne Gunn O’Connor, Pat Lynch, Alison Walsh and Vicki Satlow for everything you’ve done to help and support me.
Thank you also to the multi-talented author Milly Johnson, who has been a constant source of advice, reassurance, common sense and humour as well as a true friend.
Love and thanks to all my family and friends. Thank you for being there for me; I know how lucky I am.
The idea for Fen’s story was formed during Glastonbury 2008, where I was working shifts preparing bacon rolls. The highlight of the festival for me was Massive Attack’s set on the Saturday night. It was a privilege to see them perform live; their music continued to be an inspiration over the following months and played an important part in setting the mood of the book. On the Sunday we listened to Leonard Cohen in the sunshine and standing nearby was a good-looking man who became, in the book, Sean. I am also addicted to Faithless, particularly their song ‘Don’t Leave’, which always put me in the right frame of mind for sad chapters, and Jeff Buckley’s album Grace. His version of ‘Hallelujah’ is the perfect soundtrack for writing love scenes.
Finally I’d like to acknowledge Polly, our beautiful, sweet and infinitely gentle rescue dog, who was at my side during the writing of every word of the first draft of this novel. I miss you.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53