Meanwhile, if these are the only books of mine you’ve ever read, you should know that I’m actually more well known for the gruesome and bizarre John Dies at the End series of horror novels. As of this writing there are three of those:
John Dies at the End
This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It
What the Hell Did I Just Read
Yes, those are real books, I’m not just making up titles here. The first book got turned into a movie that you can find on whatever device you watch movies on, the second became a New York Times bestseller. As of this writing, I’m under contract for a fourth book in that series, which may already be out on shelves by the time you read this. If you’re reading this several years in the future and no such book exists, well, it’s probably time to google my name to find out what happened to me.
Otherwise, please allow me to end this novel about corporations exploiting modern narcissism to trick citizens into building their own surveillance state by listing all of my many internet and social media platforms:
jasonpargin.com
twitter.com/JohnDiesattheEn
instagram.com/jasondavidwongpargin/
facebook.com/FuturisticViolence
facebook.com/JohnDiesattheEnd.TheNovel
goodreads.com/author/show/225033.David_Wong
Or you can read my humorous nonfiction essays at Cracked.com:
cracked.com/members/David+Wong/
Thanks, everybody.
—Jason “David Wong” Pargin
January 2020
ALSO BY DAVID WONG
John Dies at the End
This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It
What the Hell Did I Just Read
Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DAVID WONG is the pseudonym of Jason Pargin, New York Times bestselling author of the John Dies at the End series as well as the award-winning first book in the Zoey Ashe series, Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits. His essays at Cracked.com have been read by tens of millions of people around the world. You can sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Epigraph
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Thirty Days Later
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Also by David Wong
About the Author
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
First published in the United States by St. Martin’s Press, an imprint of St. Martin’s Publishing Group
ZOEY PUNCHES THE FUTURE IN THE DICK. Copyright © 2020 by David Wong. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Publishing Group, 120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271.
www.stmartins.com
Cover design by Rob Grom
Cover photographs: fist © Hocus-Pocus/Getty Images; ring © Hemera Technologies/ Getty Images; cat © A-Plus Image Bank/Alamy Stock Photo; bandage © Parilov/Shutterstock.com; texture © Sathit/Shutterstock.com; blood © Yeti Studio/ Shutterstock.com; yellow © Kaweest/Shutterstock.com
Endpapers design by Rob Grom
Endpapers illustration of cat © Volosovich Igor/Shutterstock.com
The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:
Names: Wong, David, 1975 January 10– author.
Title: Zoey punches the future in the dick / David Wong.
Description: First Edition. | New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2020. | Series: Zoey Ashe; 2
Identifiers: LCCN 2020019384 | ISBN 9781250195791 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781250195814 (ebook)
Subjects: GSAFD: Science fiction.
Classification: LCC PS3623.O5975 Z44 2020 | DDC 813/.6—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020019384
eISBN 9781250195814
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First Edition: 2020