“…Ma Red thinks she’s my mother. If she was, I would kill her. …My girlfriend, Sarah, thinks I’m her father. If I was, I would not touch her.
…Our social chairs are drunk and stoned at the wheel. I’m going to kill them, I’m going to kill K-Zorro and Robinson. They’re ruining everything. They think they can make a fool of me.
…People hate hedonism because it threatens to help them find themselves and they hate themselves. …We’re choking in guilt and the past…” I found most of his thoughts over-the-top and melodramatic. There had to be members with more tempered, experienced viewpoints.
I searched the computers of the rooms on the main floor where the older guys lived.
Thomas Clark was right there in the room with me. I could ask him anything, right then. But what could his secrets tell me?
It felt weird looking through his computer with him right there. I made myself move forward with the idea that this was not dishonest and that we had all agreed. Next, I turned my screen so he couldn’t see me look through his porn collection. My ignorance of black males had led me to expect some sort of butt fetish but his tastes were pretty mild and he seemed to be more of a breast-and-leg-man.
His personal pictures were segregated from his porn. He had all kinds of pictures of himself with women, all races and ethnicities. At first I thought Thomas Clark was much more accomplished than I’d expected. The folder headings, however, seemed to be vacation titles and I assumed, since he’d never mentioned any of these girls, that he had made a hobby of pressuring girls into taking pictures with him. Next, I had a whim to look into the mind of a wilder, more carefree individual.
K-Zorro lived in room nine which was a corner room and, therefore, a party room. I had to check through all three computers before I found his. I expected to see pictures of him in his customary Hawaiian shirts, cargo shorts and Birkenstock sandals but his pictures looked pretty old and he was always wearing a shirt and tie or even the occasional tux at formal events—charity dinners, mostly—with his family. My eye was drawn to a word document without a title:
“Everyone keeps thinking I’m a drunk because I am. God, I don’t want to be sober tomorrow for one or two seconds. I’m going to take my accounting exam drunk, stoned and funny-hat-ed. That’s always fun. I can add numbers faster then. It feels easier and then I flunk. Flunk! Chicago is full of people who flunked and then rule it so I can’t wait to start working there. Dad won’t be able to stop himself from helping there too.
… I want a new nickname. I’ll start dropping hints that it’s time for a new nickname. I’ll say, Hey, fellas! I don’t walk in Z’s when I’m schnockered no more. How about a new nickname? Can I suggest calling me Tony Kazor again? Can I? I just want to be Tony Kazor again.
God, I wish I could be him again.”
K-Zorro and Kothenbeutel were both juniors. I think that’s why I chose Kothenbeutel next. Well, that and the novelty of Kothenbeutel being gay. He didn’t seem to have any files inside of a folder named ‘Journals.’ So—I admit it—I switched his folder option settings to ‘show hidden files and folders’ and found an unnamed word document:
“Maybe you’re just choosing it he said? Maybe it’s just a choice. Fuck you, Kessler! Idiot! Don’t worry, I’d never be after the likes of you. What’s the point of saying something is choice when not one scientist or politician can say what a choice is? A choice is something we decide we can punish. No one knows what a choice is. Not even the people that study brain MRIs.
“… I wonder what Rex feels like? I choose not to think about that anymore. I choose to think about that once again.” That last part pretty much creeped me out but I don’t know what I was expecting.
After I finished cutting and pasting this email into the word document collection on my thumb drive, I realized the three of us in Drake’s room had been at it for almost four hours. Just then, Thomas Clark sent me an instant message on Drake’s notebook:
‘Hey, Victor,’ Thomas Clark IM’ed me, ‘Nice poetry on your C drive. I didn’t know you were so deep!’
I didn’t bother to IM him back. “What do you mean?” I said this because I had thought I had deleted all the poetry off my computer and backed it up on my thumb drive. The worst part of his IM was that, per house custom, he had IM’ed this message to any of the forty one in-house and the nineteen out-of-house users who were logged-on.
“I found your poetry folder,” Thomas Clark said. “You forgot to empty your recycle bin.”
“Shit!” I said.
“Hey Drake, I’ll read you some.”
“Wait,” I said. I thought to stand and slam Thomas Clark’s laptop close on his hands until they bled.
“This one’s called ‘The Blue,’” Thomas Clark said. “Here goes:
Sailing up from the ocean’s floor—”
“I’ll pay you,” I blurted.
“Relax, Victor,” Thomas Clark said. “It’s just poetry. Eh-hemm. ‘The Blue’ by Victor ‘The Hasty’ Hastings:
“Sailing up from the ocean’s floor they flew
The tavern inside the bubble—everything Blue
One second for it to collapse
A million more rose to inevitable traps
Their moves and their minds
Timed by the way the waves pined
He saw and he finally knew
He pressed up to the bar
He said, ‘but we can go far
We can’t be crushed before
It should be through!’
The barkeep turned as if the words spurned
Some angry thought against The Blue
But placidly spoke as if his speech true:
‘Each thing you’ve seen
Each dream you’ve dreamed
Just a rippling of high above seams
Nothing we could ever do
So laugh for the night
Dance with that beautiful sight
Just as you planned to
And feign to breathe
And long to leave
Outside the shades of Blue’”
“When have you been to a bar, Victor?” Wilfred asked.
“My family’s spent a lot of time in bars,” I said. “I have genetic knowledge.”
Drake scratched through his short red hair. “Is it supposed to have some environmentalist meaning? What are you one of those environmentalist, Victor? You one of those people always talking about Global Warming? Is that what you’re trying to say?”
“It’s not just that,” I told Drake. “Do you think it’s any good?”
“It’s sing-song,” Thomas Clark said. “And trite.”
“Good,” I said. “Then, you’re not going to save it, right?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t like it,” Thomas Clark retorted. “I said it was sing-song and trite.”
“Well,” I said. “Don’t you think you should at least ask me?”
Thomas Clark finger-moused his cursor across his screen. “Ask you about what?” He looked at me. “Oh, that. I already saved your poem to my ‘My Victor’ file.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
INSTANT MESSAGE PRELUDE TO COUP d ETAT
Monday: mid afternoon
WILL_POWER
Rex, did you see what’s in the
Stairwell?
SEXY_REXY
No. What’s up?
WILL_POWER
GO LOOK!
(and two min. later)
SEXY_REXY
Bitch! That bitch Ma Red didn't
Ask me. She has no right!
… Right?
WILL_POWER
Right.
T_KESSLER
I lost my French fry.
SEXY_REXY
Todd, you see what Ma
Red put up in the stairwell?
(and 20 seconds later)
T_KESSLER
French fry?!
SEXY_REXY
No, Todd. In the stairwell.
Ma Red, she went behind our
Backs.
T_KESSLER
I left it on plate in my
Room. It was big. It stretched
Across my plate. Came back
From Econ 302. French fry gone!
French fry gone!
VICTOR_H
I saw it. I think Ma Red put
It up last night.
DRAKE_THESNAKE
I saw it too. WTF!! What was
That shit about boys maturing 2
Men? Like she’s some expert,
Right?
SEXY_REXY
Exactly! That’s what I'm saying
What does she even know really?
THE_SNITZ
EMFBI but, thought you guys
Could use some out-a-house
Wizzdumb. Dont house bylaws say
A non-member has to get consent
Before mailing a letter on
House letterhead?
CLOSET_EJECTOR
They certainly do, Snitz.
What’s the point of having
Bylaws if they’re not
Respected?
THE_SNITZ
Kothybeautal? That u? I haven’t
Heard from u in 4evah! What u
Been up to?
CLOSET_EJECTOR
Painting rainbows. Lurking at
Daycares. Coming to grips with
Men who abused me in my past.
THE_SNITZ
LOL! I see you still got that
Sarcasm.
K-ZORRO
And all I'm saying is that bitch
Ma Red said to me yesterday in
That scraggly, caggly cat demon
Voice “You cant take house
Silverwware up to your room.
That stays down here.” Who the
F is she? Is it her silverware?
We pay for it.
VICTOR_H
Our parents pay for it.
K-ZORRO
Fuck you, Hasty :) I know
That! I'm just saying the $$$
Comes from us.
KING_SOLOMON
I was snooping around our
Trustworthy Treasurer Budge’s
Harddrive. I found his
Expenditures spreadsheet. We
Pay Ma Red $22K a year! I
Couldn't believe it. U know what
I could do with 22K? I could
Start a business and rule the
World and still have bagel
Money.
BROKEN_TOKEN
22K!!!! That’s way too F-ing
Much! My cousin stands on her
Feet all day and she
Doesnt make 22 f-ing K!
SEXY_REXY
It is a big number. Think of it
Brothers. Think of all we could
Accomplish with 22K!
TOE_TAG_ER
What are we getting for our
22K? I mean what do Ma Red
Actually do?
NO_BUDGE
She orders the food for Annie.
That’s it. Other than that,
She’s just a figurehead.
VICTOR_H
Doesn't she help us over long
Periods of time? Like when we
Change officers or have
Officers that aren't that great?
SEXY_REXY
Thats not what this is about
Victor. This is our time now.
KING_SOLOMON
I just went to a site that
Shows stats for the other
Frats. Half the other houses
Dont have a house mom. The ones
Who do usually pay about 16K.
Ripoff! I downloaded
Screenshots off the site. It’s
In my MY documents folder under
The BULLSHIT! folder.
T_KESSLER
MISSING! APB!
9”x 1/4”x 1/4”x potato.
Tuesday: late morning
KING_SOLOMON
I spent all night think’n bout it
I say we take back what’s ours
WRT MA Red!
BROKEN_TOKEN
And she gets 22 grand?
That’s more than I can stand.
More than I'd demand.
VICTOR_H
Stop it Thomas!
BROKEN_TOKEN
What? Too much Dr. Seuss
You know it could be wooooss.
SEXY_REXY
This isn’t a joke guys.
This is serious.
If Ma Red speaks for us
W/o our opinions
We undermine everything we’ve
Tried to accomplish.
VICTOR_H
Which is?
SEXY_REXY
Independence.
Identity.
Sovereignty.
Manhood.
Adulthood.
Responsibility.
Respect.
Rebirth.
Victory.
Power.
VICTOR_H
Wow! Now Rex is making lists.
Power?
Why power?
SEXY_REXY
Of course I'm making lists.
My lists. Of course power.
Life is power. A WILL TO POWER!
DRAKE_THESNAKE
That copy of Ubermensch is
Still floating around, huh.
LOL but DOS. Boring!
VICTOR_H
I'm not afraid to admit
I like Ma Red.
So I’ll see your
Will to Power
And raise you: the perfect
Government is a benign dictator.
I.e. Ma Redding.
WILL_POWER
Exactly! She’s a dictator.
It’s like we have to just go
Along with whatever she says.
VICTOR_H
… sighs …
SEXY_REXY
Will and Victor are right. She
Is like some kind of dictatator[sic].
We give her that really nice
Suite. She leaves the
Airconditioner on all the f-ing
Time and we pay for that
And we pay her tribute and WHY!
TOE_TAG_ER
She’s like the bourgeois
And we’re the proliterate[sic].
K-ZORRO
I dont think that russian dude
Had our soccer moms in mind
When he wrote about the
Proletariat
SEXY_REXY
This is DUBNICEK, typing. I had
To kick Rex off the computer we're using
Because he was drunk and
Drailing. But I think he’s right
About his idea. We work hard,
Our parents work hard and she
Just skims off the top. And
Why! Huh?
BROKEN_TOKEN
IM-foul! How do we know your
Really Dubnicek and not just Rex
Trying to make it look like
People agree with him?
RID’ON_DUB_NICEK’S
Happy?
BROKEN_TOKEN
Yes.
reddeviler
+, how do we know Ma Red even
Still orders the Food. She could
Be getting someone else to do
It like a cook or something.
KING_SOLOMON
Reddeviler? Who’s
Reddeviler?
reddeviler
IT’S ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KING_SOLOMON
Oh …. My mistake, Red Devil
Dude. …?
Wednesday: late afternoon
WILL_POWER
I've done it! I did it! I
Just achieved mp3brum. I’m not
Sure when it happened. I've been
Getting a bunch of songs off
Stealzilla lately. But I was
Just
listinging to my Winamp and
I was like, I never downloaded
That song. But I did, download
It…three years ago!
VICTOR_H
I give up. What’s mp3brum?
STANLEYJOR_4
…‘the Nirvana of
Digital music when the size of
Your mp3 collection exceeds
The size of your memory or
Cerebrum.’
REAL_DEAL_JOHNSTEELE
The Snitz and I were talking
About your Ma Red issues last
Night at the bars and later on
At our place at Old Stanton.
She was a pain in the ass when
We lived in the house. We talked
Like we were going to kick her
Out too but it was just talk. Is
That what this is?
Pussssies!
KING_SOLOMON
$22K a year. She only works 8
Months. $2750 a month! $91 a
Day! $2.25 a member, a day!
I should go get my $2.25 back.
STANLEYJOR_4
I have a question for Rex as a
Pledge. If Ma Red tells me to do
Something, do I have to do it?
SEXY_REXY
Abso-fucking-lutely not! If
You dont obey Ma Red, there will
Be NO consequence. I promise you
That.
REAL_DEAL_JOHNSTEELE
I don’t know, Rex. She could
Write another official letter
And get you guys in trouble :(
Wah-wah-waaaah.
SEXY_REXY
What I want to know is
Where did she get
It. I'm supposed to be
The only one who has the
House letterhead.