My case is over. I have been, in a rather sensational way, restored. Not simply not guilty, but innocent, wrongly accused, a victim myself.
But all is not forgiven. The Board of Attorney Discipline opened an inquiry into me over my drug abuse, which they held in abeyance during my criminal trial, but which will proceed now in earnest. My attorney, a politically connected lawyer named Jon Soliday, is trying to negotiate a three-month suspension from the practice of law. My guess is it will be longer. It should be.
I got addicted to painkillers. I’m not the first and I won’t be the last. But I should have stopped practicing law. I should have realized that my clients could be at risk. To this day, I don’t think I botched anything or failed a client, but I could have. I could have, and that’s what matters. My clients deserved better.
But that’s not the worst of my sins. I cheated and perverted and basically pissed all over the criminal justice system. I lied to the police and manufactured evidence and tampered with crime scenes and lied under oath and, in the process, framed another man for murder. Granted, he was a man trying to frame me for five murders, and yes, he was a sociopathic killer who, by the way, was already dead, so prison wasn’t an issue. And sure, I was doing all of this to keep Shauna out of prison. But the last time I checked our lawyers’ ethics code, there was no reciprocity exception, no self-defense or He started it or protecting-someone-you-love caveats.
I’m a guy who’s not fond of rules, in a profession that’s full of them. Something’s got to give there, yes? And I don’t see those rules changing anytime soon.
Three months away from the practice of law could become six months. It could become a year. It could become permanent.
But permanent is not a word I’m using just now. Not for anything.
I look over at Shauna, who takes a delicious breath of relief. Today wasn’t a surprise, but there is still something about hearing the gavel bang down. I’m out of harm’s way.
But here’s what’s really crazy: Winning this case and avoiding prison doesn’t hold a candle to getting clean, to reclaiming my soul. If I had to choose between spending my life in the state penitentiary but being clean, or being free to walk the streets but addicted to OxyContin, I’d take life in prison every time. Because when I was addicted, I was in prison anyway, but a bizarro-world kind of incarceration where I held the key, where I was free to leave anytime, where I closed the cell door on myself every day.
I’m six months removed from that tantalizing poison that hijacked my mind and body and I still can’t believe any of it happened. I can’t believe I let it seduce me and then own me, that I didn’t even protest, that I just let it happen. That’s the worst part, for me at least, that I didn’t even fight for my life.
Not until someone came along and made me fight.
“This is the part where you smile,” Shauna says to me, her breath tickling my ear.
Both of us will have to learn to do that again. We have a lot to figure out. Shooting someone changes you. Losing a child changes you. Spending four months in lockup changes you. Going through addiction and recovery changes you. It’s that simple: We aren’t the same people we were this summer. I wasn’t even sure we made sense together before. Now it’s anyone’s guess. She’s the most important thing to me, as I am to her. There will always be something between us. What, exactly, that will look like, I don’t know.
Shauna squeezes my hand under the table.
As if reading my thoughts, she says, “Now for the hard part.”
Acknowledgments
Many thanks to Dan Collins, former assistant U.S. attorney in Chicago and now a partner at Drinker Biddle & Reath LLP, for answering my numerous questions about federal law enforcement. I am once again indebted to Dr. Ronald Wright, forensic pathologist, for guiding me through many issues related to manners of death, causes of death, and estimating time of death. Thank you to my dear friend Beth Weedman for patiently answering many questions about substance abuse and treatment. Neither Dan, Beth, nor Dr. Wright reviewed my work for accuracy, and any mistakes are mine alone.
Thank you to my many friends at Putnam, too numerous to list, for all the support you continue to show me and for everything you do to help me shine (or at least not screw up). To name just two: Sara Minnich, you made this book so much better. Ivan Held, you inspire so many authors like me with your commitment and faith in us, and it means everything to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
A nod to the Ellis rugrats, Abigail, Julia, and Jonathan, for moderating Daddy’s grumpy moods when the words aren’t flowing, and for filling his world with indescribable love. And to the lovely Susan, my dream come true, who keeps all of us sane and still makes my heart go pitter-pat.
Table of Contents
Also by David Ellis
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
THE TRIAL, DAY 1
Chapter 1: Jason
SIX MONTHS BEFORE TRIAL
Chapter 2: Jason
Chapter 3: Shauna
Chapter 4: Jason
Chapter 5: Jason
Chapter 6: Shauna
Chapter 7: Jason
Chapter 8: Shauna
Chapter 9: Jason
Chapter 10: Jason
Chapter 11: Shauna
Chapter 12: Jason
Chapter 13: Jason
Chapter 14: Jason
Chapter 15: Jason
Chapter 16: Jason
Chapter 17: Jason
PEOPLE VS. JASON KOLARICH TRIAL, DAY 1
Chapter 18: Shauna
Chapter 19: Jason
Chapter 20: Shauna
Chapter 21: Jason
SIX MONTHS BEFORE TRIAL
Chapter 22: Jason
Chapter 23: Jason
Chapter 24: Shauna
Chapter 25: Shauna
Chapter 26: Jason
Chapter 27: Jason
Chapter 28: Jason
Chapter 29: Jason
Chapter 30: Shauna
Chapter 31: Jason
Chapter 32: Jason
Chapter 33: Shauna
Chapter 34: Jason
Chapter 35: Jason
Chapter 36: Jason
PEOPLE VS. JASON KOLARICH TRIAL, DAY 2
Chapter 37: Shauna
Chapter 38: Shauna
Chapter 39: Jason
Chapter 40: Shauna
Chapter 41: Jason
FIVE MONTHS BEFORE TRIAL
Chapter 42: Jason
Chapter 43: Jason
Chapter 44: Jason
Chapter 45: Jason
Chapter 46: Jason
Chapter 47: Jason
Chapter 48: Shauna
Chapter 49: Jason
Chapter 50: Jason
Chapter 51: Jason
Chapter 53: Shauna
Chapter 54: Shauna
Chapter 55: Jason
Chapter 56: Shauna
PEOPLE VS. JASON KOLARICH TRIAL, DAY 3
Chapter 57: Jason
Chapter 58: Shauna
Chapter 59: Shauna
Chapter 60: Jason
Chapter 61: Jason
Chapter 62: Jason
Chapter 63: Jason
FIVE MONTHS BEFORE TRIAL
Chapter 64: Jason
Chapter 65: Shauna
Chapter 66: Jason
Chapter 67: Jason
Chapter 68: Jason
Chapter 69: Shauna
Chapter 70: Jason
Chapter 71: Jason
Chapter 72: Jason
PEOPLE VS. JASON KOLARICH TRIAL, DAY 4
Chapter 73: Shauna
Chapter 74: Jason
FIVE MONTHS BEFORE TRIAL
Chapter 75: Jason
Chapter 76: Jason
Chapter 77: Jason
Chapter 78: Shauna
Chapter 79: Jason
Chapter 80: Jason
Chapter 81: Jason
Ch
apter 82: Shauna
Chapter 83: Shauna
Chapter 84: Jason
THE DAY OF ALEXA HIMMEL’S DEATH
Chapter 85: Shauna
Chapter 86: Jason
Chapter 88: Shauna
Chapter 89: Jason
EIGHT YEARS AGO
Chapter 90: Jason Kolarich, Assistant County Attorney
PEOPLE VS. JASON KOLARICH TRIAL, DAY 4
Chapter 91: Shauna
Chapter 92: Shauna
Chapter 93: Shauna
Chapter 94: Jason
Chapter 95: Jason
Chapter 96: Shauna
Chapter 97: Shauna
PEOPLE VS. JASON KOLARICH TRIAL, DAY 5
Chapter 98: Jason
Chapter 99: Shauna
PEOPLE VS. JASON KOLARICH TRIAL, DAY 6
Chapter 100: Jason
Chapter 101: Jason
Chapter 102: Jason
Chapter 103: Jason
Chapter 104: Jason
THE DAY OF ALEXA HIMMEL’S DEATH
Chapter 105: Shauna
Chapter 106: Jason
Chapter 107: Jason
Chapter 108: Shauna
Chapter 109: Shauna
Chapter 110: Jason
Chapter 111: Jason
THREE MONTHS BEFORE TRIAL
Chapter 112: Jason
PEOPLE VS. JASON KOLARICH TRIAL, DAY 7
Chapter 113: Jason
Acknowledgments