The
Ultimate
Worst-Case Scenario
Survival Handbook
By
David Borgenicht, Joshua Piven & Ben H. Winters
With contributions by Victoria De Silverio, James Grace, Sarah Jordan, Piers Marchant, Dan and Judy Ramsey, Sam Stall, and Jennifer Worick
Illustrations by Brenda Brown
WARNING
When a life is imperiled or a dire situation is at hand, safe alternatives may not exist. To deal with the worst-case scenarios presented in this book, we highly recommend—insist, actually—that the best course of action is to consult a professionally trained expert. But because highly trained professionals may not always be available when the safety or sanity of individuals is at risk, we have asked experts on various subjects to describe the techniques they might employ in these emergency situations. THE AUTHORS, PUBLISHER, AND EXPERTS DISCLAIM ANY LIABILITY from any injury that may result from the use, proper or improper, of the information contained in this book. We do not guarantee that the information contained herein is complete, safe, or accurate for your situation, nor should it be considered a substitute for your good judgment and common sense. And finally, nothing in this book should be construed or interpreted to infringe on the rights of other persons or to violate criminal statutes; we urge you to obey all laws and respect all rights, including property rights, of others.
—The Authors
Contents
* * *
* * *
Warning
Epigraph
Introduction
Chapter 1 Tooth and Claw Animal Encounters
Alligators
How To Wrestle Free From An Alligator
How To Retrieve An Object Near An Alligator
How To Bind An Alligator’s Jaws
Who Has The Most Bite?
Charging Animals
How To Escape From A Charging Rhino
Average Speed Of Charging Animals
How To Escape From A Charging Bull
How To Fend Off A Charging Reindeer
Runaway Animals
How To Control A Runaway Camel
Ways To Calm A Spooked Horse
How To Stop A Runaway Horse
Kicked By A Zebra
How To Dismount From A Rearing And Bucking Horse
Dogs
How To Silence A Barking Addict
Household Items Tat Are Toxic To Canines
How To Give A Dog A Pill
How To Clean Dog Poop Off A Shoe
Emergency Rain Gear
How To Get Rid Of Skunk Odor On Your Dog
How To Give A Dog Cpr
Sea Animals
How To Escape From A Giant Octopus
How To Fend Off A Shark
Three Kinds Of Shark Attacks
How To Survive A Jellyfish Sting
Marine Creatures Tat Can Kill You Without Teeth
Birds
How To Survive A Bird Attack
How To Survive A Bird Flu Outbreak
Cleaning Off Bird Poop
How To Prevent Sucking A Goose Into Your Jet Engine
Jungle Animals
How To Remove A Leech
How To Escape From An Angry Gorilla
How To Cross A Piranha-Infested River
Poison Dart Frog Contact
Snakes
How To Escape From A Boa Constrictor
Snake In A Sleeping Bag
How To Survive A Poisonous Snake Attack
Venomous Snakes Of The Tropics
Animal Packs
How To Escape From Killer Bees
How To Outwit A Pack Of Wolves
How To Survive A Slumber Party
Chased By A Pack Of Dogs
How Many Animals In The Group?
Stampedes
How To Survive An Elephant Stampede
What Causes Animal Stampedes
How To Evade A Stampede Of Shoppers
A Stampede Of Girafes
Surviving Stampedes
Cats
How To Get Your Cat To Cuddle
How To Get A Cat Out From Under The Bed
How To Toilet Train Your Cat
Tings Tat Are Toxic To Cats
Insects
How To Deal With A Tarantula
How To Treat A Scorpion Sting
Creepy-Crawly Tings And How Many Eggs They Lay
How To Survive A Cockroach Infestation
Signs Of A Roach Infestation
How To Escape From Fire Ants
Dangerous Forest Insects
Chapter 2 Critical Conditions Life and Limb
Ailments
How To Treat Poison Ivy, Poison Oak, And Poison Sumac
Treating Migraines
How To Treat Sunburn
How To Deal With Insomnia
How To Cure Hiccups
Fitness
How To Treat A Gym Addiction
Workout Injuries
Out-Of-Control Treadmill
Hygiene
How To Survive If You Have Excessive Gas
Gassy Foods To Avoid
How To Deal With Body Odor
Excessive Perspiration
How To Deal With Bad Breath
Personal Appearance
How To Treat A Pimple
How To Prevent Wrinkles
How To Treat A Shaving Wound
How To Treat Bags Under Eyes
Inner Peace
What To Do If You Forget Your Mantra
How To Treat Yoga Mishaps
How To Tee Off In Front Of A Crowd
Illness
How To Survive The Flu Pandemic
How To Survive Food Poisoning
Common Diseases and Means of Transmission*
First Aid
How To Stitch A Gaping Wound
Tourniquets
How To Make A Splint Or Sling
How To Treat A Leg Fracture
Symptoms Of A Fracture, Sprain, Or Dislocation
Emergency Medicine
How To Treat A Severed Limb
How To Perform A Tracheotomy
How To Save Yourself If You Are Having A Heart Attack
How To Use A Defibrillator To Restore A Heartbeat
Choking
How To Save Your Date From Choking
How To Give A Dog The Heimlich Maneuver
How To Perform The Heimlich Maneuver On Your Cat
How To Save Yourself From Choking
Chapter 3 Shaky Foundations Home And Hearth
Weddings
How To Raise Money For The Wedding
How To Treat A Panic Attack
How To Avoid A Nervous Breakdown Before The Wedding
How To Deal With Lost Rings
How To Make An Emergency Ring
Tank-You Note Generator
Marriage
How To Survive A Honeymoon Disaster
How To Apologize When You Don’t Know What You’ve Done Wrong
How To Prevent Snoring
How To Survive If You Forget Your Anniversary
How To Sleep On The Couch
Babies
How To Deliver A Baby In A Taxicab
How To Deal With A Cat Who Is Jealous Of A New Baby
How To Survive Baby Gear Overload
Means Of Soothing Colicky Babies
Children
How To Prevent Backpack Overload
How To Discipline Imaginary Friends
How To Get Children To Eat Vegetables
How To Get Rid Of Bedroom Monsters
Warning!
In The Kitchen
How To Put
Out A Grease Fire
How To Treat A Grease Burn
Warning!
Emergency Substitutions/Out Of Ingredients
Jar Won’t Open
Holidays
How To Make An Emergency Menorah
How To Extinguish A Christmas Tree Fire
The “There Is No Santa Claus” Speech
How To Escape From A Runaway Parade Balloon
How To Survive If You Have No One To Kiss On New Year’s Eve
Teenagers
How To Tell If Your Child Was Switched At Birth
How To Deal With Provocative Clothing
How To Survive Your Child’s First Driving Lesson
How To Reattach A Damaged Bumper
College
How To Avoid Going To The Wrong College
How To Identify A Party School
How To Deal With A Nightmare Roommate
How To Hook Up In The Library
How To Sleep In Class
Suburbs
How To Find Your Condo In A Condo Development
How To Tell Whether A Black Widow Spider Is Dangerous
Garage Hazards
How To Put Out A Grill Fire
Around The House
How To Make Household Chores Fun
Broken Lightbulb In Socket
How To Remove Stains From Carpet
Removing Wasp Nests
How To Thaw Frozen Pipes
Falling Trough The Floor
How To Avoid Doing Laundry
Retirement
How To Incorporate The Grandkids Into Daily Activities
Places Not To Take A 4 p.m. Nap
Labor-Expanding Tips To Fill The Day
How To Get Your Old Job Back
Clever Ways To Take Your Medicine
Chapter 4 Can’t We All Just Get Along? Social Scenarios
Faking It
How To Fake A Presentation
How To Fake An Orgasm
How To Detect A Real Orgasm
How To Take A Test When You Haven’t Studied
Job Description Euphemism Chart
Politics
How To Survive A Sex Scandal
How To Pretend You Care
How To Simplify A Complicated Message
How To Kiss A Drooling Baby
Sports
How To Ski Off A 100-Foot Drop
How To Survive A Stadium Riot
How To Survive A Two-Wave Hold-Down
How To Disarm An Irate Golfer
Alcohol
How To Avoid Shooting A Champagne Cork
How To Open A Bottle Of Wine With A Broken Cork
How To Deal With The “Spins”
How To Win A Bar Bet
How To Open A Beer Bottle Without A Bottle Opener
Games and Hobbies
How To Spot A Card Cheat
How To Survive A Bungee Cord Break
Difficult Relationships
How To Flatter An Insecure Boss
How To Deal With Meddling Parents
How To Date Three People At Once
Most Stressful Relationships
How To Deal With Nightmare Customers
Dating
How To Survive If You Wake Up Next To Someone And Don’t Remember Their Name
How To Spot A Fake
How To Fend Off Competitors
Good Signs/Bad Signs Body Language
Breaking Up
How To Live With An Ex Until One Of You Moves Out
How To Fend Off An Obsessive Ex
How To Survive If You Run Into Your Ex
Breakup Texts
How To Regain Your Confidence
Fights
How To Win A Sword Fight
How To Take A Punch
How To Break Up A Cat Fight
How To Win A Snowball Fight
How To Deal With Someone Wielding A Chair
Reality TV
How To Make A Successful Audition Video For A Reality Show
How To Talk Without Being Caught On Mic
How To Extend Your 15 Minutes Of Fame
How To Fake Intense Emotion
Social Media
How To Make An Online Dating Profile More Alluring
Social Networking Etiquette
Social Media At Work
How To Avoid Sending Employers The Wrong Message With Your Social Media Bio
How To Expand Your Online Friend Network
Personal Ad Photo Decoder
Chapter 5 Mean Streets Urban SurvivaL
City
How To Escape A Swarm Of Pigeons
How To Escape A Wild Taxi Ride
How To Walk On Sidewalks
Underground
How To Survive Being Trapped In A Sewer
How To Survive A Rat Bite
Rat Bites
How To Survive Falling Down A Well
How To Survive A Fall Onto Subway Tracks
Rooftops
How To Cross Buildings On A Wire
How To Jump From Rooftop To Rooftop
How To Jump From A Building Into A Dumpster
Hotels
How To Survive A High-Rise Hotel Fire
How To Scour A Room For Bedbugs
What To Avoid In A Filthy Hotel Room
Small Spaces
How To Survive In A Tin Y Workspace
How To Have Sex In A Small Space
How To Share A Studio Apartment With Three Roommates
Surveillance
How To Lose Someone Following You
How To See If Your Car Has Been Tampered With
How To Tell If Your Cell Phone Has Been Tapped
How To Tell If You’re Under Surveillance
How To Rig A Room To Tell If Someone Has Been There
Technology
How To Survive Dropping A Cell Phone In The Toilet
How To Survive Tech Injuries
How To Avoid Being Hacked
How To Survive A Night In Jail
How To Tail A Thief
How To Survive A Mugging
How To Survive Identity Theft
Getting In
How To Break Down A Door
How To Sneak In Late To Meetings
How To Break In To A Car
Getting A Job
How To Survive The Interview
Résumé Euphemisms
How To Disguise A Tattoo
How To Clean Up Your Online Reputation
How To Identify A Nightmare Workplace
On The Job
How To Survive A Spill In Aisle Seven
How To Remove A Tie Caught In A Document Feeder
How To Restore A Shredded Document
How To Get A Candy Bar Out Of The Vending Machine
Avoid Being Fired
How To Survive If You’re Caught Slacking
How To Enhance Your Stature
How To Salvage A Coffee-Stained Document
How To Cover Up Mistakes
Chapter 6 It’s A Jungle Out There The Natural World
The Desert
How To Survive When Lost In The Desert
How To Prepare For The Desert
Where To Find Water
How To Make An Underground Sand Shelter
How To Survive A Sandstorm
How To Free A Vehicle Mired In Soft Sand
Mountains
How To Escape From A Mountain Lion
How To Survive A Lightning Storm On A Mountainside
Avoiding Altitude Sickness
How To Survive Being Pinned Under A Fallen Rock
High-Altitude Illnesses
Jungle
How To Build A Jungle Shelter
How To Survive When Lost In The Jungle
How To Find Civilization
How To Make A Raft
The Forest
How To Leave A Trail For Rescuers If Lost In The Wilderness
The Uni
versal Edibility Test
How To Escape From A Forest Fire
Rivers and Rapids
How To Cross The Amazon River
How To Cross A Frozen River
How To Run A Canyon River
How To Fish In Rapids
Critical Knots
Geological Disasters
How To Survive An Earthquake
How To Survive An Avalanche
How To Survive A Volcanic Eruption
Storms
How To Survive A Flash Flood
Avoiding Floodwaters
How To Survive A Tornado
How To Drive In A Hurricane
How To Deal With A Downed Power Line
Camping
How To Escape From A Bear
How To Go To The Bathroom In The Woods
How To Rig Up Your Food
Improvised Outdoor Shelters
How To Find Your Way Without A Compass
Making Fire
How To Make A Fire Without Matches
Making A Fire In The Snow
How To Start The Fire
How To Make A Fire With A Single Stalk Of Bamboo
Water
How To Find Water On A Deserted Island
Finding Water In The Desert
How To Purify Water
Last-Ditch Liquids You Can Drink
Marooned
How To Survive When Marooned
How To Open Coconuts
How To Fish Without A Rod
How To Make A Friend From Materials On The Island
Signals
How To Signal With A Mirror
Ground Signals For Passing Aircraft
How To Create A Signal Fire
Can I Eat It?
How To Set Animal Traps
How To Clean And Cook A Squirrel
Eating Lizards
Edible Plants Of The Ocean
Edible Plants Of The Desert
The Ocean