Writings from a Young Soul
Clearing a Path to Discovery
By Daniel A. Starks
Copyright 2013 Daniel A. Starks
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Prologue
Never Was Never Will Be
Not for Me
I'm Not Used to Being Me
The Truth
The Agony
Childless Tribe
Bitter River of Life
Liar's Oath
You
Emptiness
Will it Ever Change
What's to Live For
The Guy
Still in My Heart
Again
Blind Denial
Here Comes the Fire
Goodbye
No Longer Here
What Was Could Never Be
She Will Fall
Old Pictures
Leaves Keep Changing
It Will Never Fade
Six Months
Our Song
Every Time
Random Thoughts
On My Knees
Corner Step
Untitled
One Life
What Do I Have To Do
Thoughts
The Next Step
Untitled
What if I Told You
You Surround Me
Now I See
Cross on My Door
Only I Can See You
I Hope You Lied
Know That Road
Cross the Skies
Getting Through
I Sacrifice
Cold Bold Glory
The Burden of You
Casey
It's Six o'clock somewhere
Quicksand Graveyard
Don't let today be Goodbye
The Scare
The House is Quiet
The Pier
Tonight
Why I Write
Recordings in My Head
Granite Me
Both Gone
I Fear
Guard Me
Before the Final Breath
The Night
End of This Line
This New Year
Maraming Salamat
Mom
Courting the Future
Included
Beyond the Past
Perspective
You Don't Smile Much
Capture
Blue Innocence
Decay of Mine
Here
Sweet Soul
Fortune is not known
Closing
About the Author
Contact the Author
Prologue
I have experimented with writing since a kid. To take the reader on a common journey yet in a unique way was fulfilling. Wrap words around to make a new scenario even if only in my mind was something enjoyed. This has evolved from penning some silly and humorous stories to where I delve into the human experience. We absorb life differently and with various intensities. A simple like to write has become a desire, a love to write. If I had musical talent, some of these would be songs. Maybe one day some will marry with music and fulfill yet another dream.
Coasting in a realm never realized is another part of this project. I say project not in a way meaning work in a traditional sense, but rather the notion of collecting my thoughts and putting them into a concise format to share. I don't divulge much of my inner workings, so this may be considered a revealing glimpse of how one rather humble human sees this existence we call life.
There are folks who have entered and vanished through my journey who inspired me to publish what you are about to experience. Two people stand out as primary influences. One is a dear friend, Gail, in Toronto, Canada. The other is an amazing singer/songwriter, Corey Hart. Gail, for her relentless support and ability to show me clear skies when it seemed storms ruined my goals. She pushed me to start and finish this book. Corey Hart inspired me to write down intelligent and meaningful words; to write what is inside and to share thoughts and feelings we all tend to bury and hide.
We are all touched by those around us every day in ways perhaps not realized at first. Those who connect and understand you or share the human experience with you leave a permanent mark on a person. As in anyone’s life, some have been bad, some good, some profound. For me, those two folks mentioned are profound in a positive way, which I cannot put in to words. Thank you.
Thanks to my family and friends for the encouragement as well. Without your support I would still wonder if such a thing were possible. It is now possible and tangible. Thank you all.
I wrote background stories on all writings to share the thoughts that drove each. Since not reading many of these for years, it was difficult to recall some details. You may identify with some of these in ways not imagined by myself.
I chose to not use much, if any, punctuation in my writings. To me, this would force the reader to interpret things my way. These should be subjective and free to interpret and feel them as you may. After working on this, it is amazing how a single comma or such can change how it is read.
“Writings from a young soul” means just that. I tend to learn many lessons later on and after a few examples and repeats of scenarios. “Clearing a path to discovery” are my words to convey that writing allows me to move on to better myself.
Find a bit of quiet time and reflect on my words.
Daniel A. Starks
Never Was Never Will Be
All the love
All I need
All I want
All I hear
Not enough
Never was never will be
Go anywhere
Be anyone
Do anything
See any place
Not enough
Never was never will be
Me
You
Them
Us
Won't be enough
Never was never will be
Fame
Money
Women
Family
Still not enough
Never was never will be
October 1990
Background: Learning how some successful people "have it all" yet follow a path of destruction was and still is not appealing to me. A person may have many material things in life, but it's what is true to heart that matters. This is my reflection; that even if you supposedly have it all, it still isn't enough until you discover who you are and do what it is you love. The writings evolve as you read further and perhaps you can follow subtle and some obvious changes.
Not for Me
Thinking as I sit here
What made me call you dear
It seemed so right then
But my broken past has yet to mend
Trapped in a dangerous situation
So many different choices
All less than my expectations
Speak in similar voices
Looks should not matter
The choices make me sadder
Left over from last night's dinner
Just once I'd like to be the winner
Pretending to care and love
You said I'd make a lousy actor
Fooling you has been too easy
You forgot to count experience as a factor
My deep loneliness is my fault
Until the one someone finds me
I won't be satisfied
Till inside I can say I finally won
Not one not two but more than three
It boggles my mind
The reason why
I can't find beauty
The kind that's silver lined
Selfish one may say
T
his whole thing is not for me
October 1990
Background: When a person thinks they are "all that", they are making up for a serious lack of depth and compassion most times. This was my way of venting about such a person I met.
I'm Not Used to Being Me
For the longest time
I was a hostage
Not meant to be
Chains that bound
Words as weapons wounded
Lost in the pool
Handshakes in the depths of misery
Looking over my shoulder
I see myself running
Down the mirrored hallway
Each reflects a different image
At the end I meet myself
As if it were meant to be
I flow through the walls thinking I'm free
Counting to infinity but skipping three
I'm not used to being me
Experience is the key
The key is found at the base of the tree
Dig deeper don't you see
I'm not used to being me
The crossroads at night
Seem to blind your sight
Cure your ail says she
How can I
I'm not used to being me
November 1990
Background: This was written after I graduated high school. It is about self discovery and experimenting with what is true to me. I was not used to being me for I thought I knew a different me. Many years later, I am still not used to being me. However, this book has laid down some new cobblestones that seem supportive and comfortable. Isn't that how life is supposed to be? Continual learning by reading, watching, interacting, and just living will show a brighter path. To learn this back then would have been a revelation.
The Truth
Solitaire charades
Empty bottles of care
Slam down on the parades
Which face shall I wear
Cease the killing
Sharpen your tongue
Are you willing
Depends on what song is being sung
Massive lust
Cannot rust
Indulge in its cry
Watch my mind fry
Torches lit
See how truths hit
Watch your mind flip
Peering into my eyes
Chaos in your face
Scrape the film it bides
Here disorder has second place
Wilderness encounters
Glimmering tombs
The earth is spinning
Could it be
You are winning
November 1990
Background: I cannot recall the specifics on some of these old writings. I just know it wasn't the best few years for me. Too many mind games to try and take control by those I knew and by my own hand. Rather a long span of feeling next to nothing during this time.
The Agony
The serious side of us all
Makes it simple to fall
Virgin hearts once covered in lace
Virgin hearts now but a trace
Concrete fills the cracks
Too much can divert the facts
Pick and ax
You can't turn concrete to wax
God says open your heart
Mom says you should play it smart
Life's complexities never resolve
Sit back and watch all dissolve
Counting to infinity
What people put in to me
Do they care in the least
No one will have me for a feast
Jump the gun
Go ahead
The race has already been won
Worship
Worship the sun
Cleanse the stains
The stains of deceit
Stir the remains
The remains of defeat
November 1990
Background: Writing about an ex-girlfriend. It wasn't really a bad ending, so this is just me exploring an ocean of emotion and experimenting with writing.
Childless Tribe
They scrounge the desert
Living off the bitter land
They know no laws
They have no money
They have no guns
Helpless and backward
Some may say
Who has it better
Us or they
Date unknown
Background: No date recorded for this one but pretty sure it was in 1992. Don't recall exactly what triggered this, but seems to have stemmed from friends talking about having children.
Bitter River of Life
Living in an oasis
Traveled so far
So tired
Found a place to sleep
Awoke in a desert
Wandering the dunes
Dying of thirst
Is that a river seen
Running to the crest
Oh but a mirage
Day after day I search
Many miles have passed beneath these feet
Visions of water
That can never be reached
Many signs of hope
Some days spent staring toward the sun
Wondering what have I done to deserve this
She said it's all in one's head
Is it
At last
I've found it
On the horizon
Wrestling with death
A river
I'm at the banks and drink
Drink from the bitter river of life
February 1992
Background: With no tangible love, we wander in a desert many times. Mirages of love can dissipate quickly.
Liar's Oath
Born to be free
To do as you please
Always put in the lead
You were gaining too much speed
Rose to tell the truth
Who knew they were getting a spoof
Practice makes perfect they say
You thought your side was the only to weigh
Don't consider the consequences
You've built too many fences
The ones who really care
You judge them as fair
Unless they feed you
You make them bleed through
Trickery and deceit
You've blown enough off their feet
It's time to change
Your life
It needs to rearrange
Your destiny is to destroy
To master the art of disguise
Sworn to defeat and cripple
Who taught you the liar's oath
February 1992
Background: I met someone that seemed so focused on lying it seemed she took an oath to spin the truth whenever it was to her benefit. Looking back, I think it was more of an attitude that nothing was her fault and most blame should be placed elsewhere.
You
Walking in wet shoes
I feel like all the other fools
The ones who said they needed you
Vines of violent friendship
Strangle the only hope
Unwilling to accept rings of dedication
Torturing yourself with the other rope
Seeds in the garden
Can't grow without water
The waters which bring life
Stands no chance with a broken pipe
Words caused my fence to grow higher and harder
A barren garden seems to spread farther
Clouds of dust around me start to smother
Help is not around
Inner strength must be found
Somewhere inside
Your past scars your future
Live, love and learn
You don't care who you burn
As long as they put you first
You bury the hatchet for another day
Not me
I want to be free
I need to mend
You've lost a friend
Will you ever change
February 1992
Background: Young, confused and desperate I turned to writing yet again…to let it out and be viewed later on by others. Emptying the emotions with words on paper seemed to help clear some confusion and gain perspective for me.
Emptiness
You never remember days gone by
Just recall every single why
The emptiness is crippling
Emptiness is without love
A love that can't be described
Heaven knows I have tried
My empty shell where I hide
No room for temptation
I have met the devastation
Flocks of gulls swarm my heart
But I see
Shadows cast by the imperial moonlight
Delicate spindles of hope made from sparkling silk
Diamond chips of trust corrode to rust
Fantasies of lust cut the truth to dust
Life is cruel
You challenge me to duel
I can build you up
I can tear you down
The emptiness starts to surround
Emptiness without you
Your warm smile
I refuse to live
Without love
June 1992
Background: This was directly influenced by a Corey Hart song, "Without Your Love."
Will it Ever Change
You were so perfect
What we had was real
What makes her tick
You had no clue how to feel
Not once not twice
You rolled the dice
Gambling like this is a disease
Too many times
You've knocked me to my knees
Life is full of losses
You always know who the boss is
Won't you stop
You're causing us both to drop
Silent waivers
You're too many flavors
You refuse to see
How much you mean to me
I'm too confused
Can't see I've been used
You hurt me so bad
Yet you seem all too glad
But I'll rebound
Even if it means
Being buried in cold ground
Will it ever change
June 1992
Background: This could be for anyone and for many circumstances. These were my thoughts about a toxic relationship. Grabbing a pen and paper helped far beyond what I could imagine.
What's to Live For
Watching the rain
Brings back all the pain
All the tears shed
The hundred days I've bled
What's been said
Only relief comes to the dead
The days would go by
There will be many more a blue sky
Time heals all wounds
I've spent too many a day on the dune
Cold and alone
Can't you see how far I've been thrown
What's to live for
To live a miserable existence
To live on your dependence
To be rejected
To be lied to
To be accused
So I can share you as a lover
To be your worthless friend
To be under appreciated
To be taken advantage of
To be used
To be there for you always
We have 10% heaven and 90% hell
June 1992
Background: During bad times we just simply want the hurt to end. Instead of walking away we may have some obscure ideas about how to fix it. I was a few gallons low on hope. A chest of tools was missing as well.
The Guy
I've seen it all
The biggest building will fall
Iron concrete steel
They can't be real
Put it to the test
Never let it rest
Iron rusts
Concrete crumbles
Steel snaps
Perfect is absurd
Put everyone else third
High expectations says she
Why can't she ever think we
So many broken promises
She wonders where the trust is
She loves to lie
To watch others cry
So talented yet so corrupt
Personal gain from others losses
A smile a hug
All is forgiven
Only to repeat the cycle
How much blood will she draw
I'm the guy
The guy who comes back to it all
June 1992
Background: This is similar to an earlier writing. She seemed strong and true at first. More lies to portray trust eroded our relationship in short order. The stains remain on her, not me. Hopefully she has matured, learned and found true happiness.
Still in My Heart
Can't remember when it started
But I see all the times we parted
Through all the pain and shame
Watching others stake their claim
Reliving all the days of my life
Visioning us husband and wife
We were meant to be
Yet you always run
Wanting to be free
The days you left
The days we cried
I'll always be by your side
'Cause you're still in my heart
All those dangerous nights
Indulging in one's delights
You are my other part
You are still in my heart
Still in my heart
You'll still be in my heart
Yeah in my heart
June 1992
Background: Getting over feelings and trying to move on by scribbling in my spiral notebook; releasing and realizing what was in front of me. I am a visual person and by facing the words, the whole thing seemed to make more sense. There it was in writing by my own hand to assist me with moving on.
Again
Reflecting on my own as you are no longer known
The only true thing you've known was severed by a dangerous encounter
But there will be others to laugh with, cry with, love
The pain never goes away we all go through it again
Perfect in your eyes it's just one of your lies
All of us search for the one the one who makes us feel strong
Why can't we learn strength is formed within
So we go through it all again
From start to finish again
Again we must be found
Faced death in the eyes and death turned away
Said he'd be back one day
When he comes calling what will you say
I have conquered bigger feats
Saw the clearing in the destruction
You'll see it again perfect at first
But soon will die of thirst
Again you'll feel pain
Again you'll regain
But can you remain
Can you go through it again
September 1992
Background: After the breakup with what felt so right it came to me...it was misery disguised in tight jeans. One of those times when a person you are with refuses to see anything but goals that lead them away from you. When paths diverge so distinctly, it is time to stand up and move along to something healthier. As with many of these earlier writings…if only that thought process was part of me back then.
Blind Denial
In the midst of winter
Cold and lonely
Seeking the flame
Just a splinter
Bitter was the heat
Put through hell
Scared of the fright
The gathering of the se
nses
Prepared for flight
Reality dealt a depressing hand
Denial at first
Discovery of the deep hurt
Deadly weapons drawn
Over in a flash
Back on the feet
A craving for fresh meat
The fangs sank so deep
Blind denial is no game
Running the race
Manipulation with no stipulation
Blame it on blind denial
Paranoid to let go
Fire a fatal blow
Using tools of the trade
Blame it on blind denial
September 1992
Background: How shallow love can be at age 22. Decades later, apparently we were fools during that time. If only we young ones listened to and reached out more to our parents.
Here Comes the Fire
Forecasting needs in the perfect state which feeds
Circling 'round your prey
Who knows what price to pay
Barter and bargain for common ground
What happens when the lies are found
Close your eyes here comes the fire
It's getting warm now
Call the number
Don't ever let him look you in the face
Succumb to your instincts
Forget all his pain
Just hold him through the burning rain
The rain that touches us all
Be careful
Be careful not to let him see you fall
Close your eyes here comes the fire
You're burnin' up
Can't stop the funeral pyre
Play your luck
Here comes the fire
You surround me
I feel the warmth
You bring me closer
Closer to it all
Almost can touch it
Here comes the fire
Date unknown
Background: This was my first innocent attempt at writing a song. This was and still is experimental and always will be. I am not particularly proud of this one, but included it to show a part of the ongoing transformation in my writing. I would like to rewrite it and tune it up, but will leave this as is and never come back to it. It is what it is, pretty predictable and not very good. Maybe others will see something I do not.
Goodbye
The distant look in your eyes
As we said our good byes
Didn't bother you at all
So distant
Just want to crack your whip
To make others turn away
You deny it all
It all
Smother yourself with your own
Your own devotion
Can't see
Never will
Change is a waste of time
The bad isn't mine
You did this to me
Refuse it
Look the other way when you go wrong
After all it's his fault
Can never face
The truth
Blame is a sign of weakness
Real friends point out the bleakness
Not in everyone else
In you
September 1992
Background: Goodbye. Some peace must have found its way into your heart over the years. I hope so.
No Longer Here
Well it was a long time ago
So dark and sleek you were
Your emanation of creation
Was out of control
Never meant to be alone
You led me by my hand
Well a long time went by
Bold and sneaky you are
Your admiration of domination
Was too strong
Never meant to be together
You took everyone else's hand
You needed protection
I needed affection
September 1992
Background: I was driving home on a bright, sunny day and a pickup truck was in front of me. I was tired, restless and very down. I swore I saw the driver turn around and look at me. It was a demon face that I'd never seen before. I shook my head, wiped my eyes, and it was gone. That was a wakeup call for me to start a new, solid path and keep on it from there on.
The perfect circle was formed
Full moons seemed so real
Combining lust and fear
Burning bridges resisted
A restless cry in the dark
Formations in the desert
Time stood still
Stone statues in the garden wept
Rings that bound choked out life
Put on the end of your leash
Can't seem to figure out
The cause of your pain
It's man's nature to destroy the unknown
To blot out the possibilities
To melt the destructible
Bury the sword and save the dagger
Treated and mistreated
Best to find shelter from the day
You never waited till the evening
Just brushed off all the shame
Had to point the finger
The finger that only points outward
To reverse the situation would mean
Admitting domination
September 1992
Background: Trying to figure out life and relationships. Reading over these again after 20 or more years reminds me mostly of the good even though most of the early writings are focused on pain and failure. I chose to leave those in even though they are somewhat repetitious or only about a few people. This young soul is starting to grow and mature into something I never thought possible. Read on.
She Will Fall
She tries to hide the pain and deception
Walking along she hums her song
Repression in succession
Will topple the heavens
Bring her to hell
Her burning flesh is not her cause
Just hides it all away never to be let out
This is her demise
She will fall
September 1992
Background: This was me finally putting a relationship to rest. I was and still am a young soul to a degree. However, the last few years have really aged this soul in positive ways.
Old Pictures
Seeing the old pictures of you
Reminds me of all the good times
All the smiles the love the caring
If I look hard enough the pictures say
Here we are two years later
I have my life you have yours
Separate paths may not meet again
The old pictures are hard to look at
With you in my arms
The world seemed silent
Only you and I mattered
Two more years will go by
Your life and mine
Memories that fade to black
Years from now the old pictures will
Still talk to me
Tell me the story of what went wrong
But mostly those pictures will say
Two people not meant to be
Shall last but a wisp of time
Those old pictures I will always have
To bring back a smile when down
Those old pictures of you
Are all I have of loving you
Just me and my old pictures
Yeah without you
Without you...
February 1993
Background: Forgot about this one and it is similar to another one later on. I found an old photo album one day and looked through it. By this time, I was able to see most of the good and reflect on some of the wild and goofy times of the past. There is a song that prompted me to write this. I still have those pictures in that same photo album today.
Leaves Keep Changing
So much changes in a season
Days and wee
ks pass by
Without a care
Hot and dry to cold and wet
Not a moment’s notice
Maple leaves out my window
Full of green life this week
But the season is changing
Next they will be orange and yellow
The sun turning its back
Color shifts of death
Face the light the truth
The warmth the life it gives
To turn away is to die
To regress
The leaves keep changing
Hoping one day
To forever feed on light
That the sun will never hide
Courage spirit integrity
And faith
Knowing the sun shall warm and nourish
Every year
Maple leaves do not question their existence
Just live for the sun
Even though once a year
They are left cold and alone
And the leaves don't stop changing
February 1993
Background: It was a fall day and my mood was a bit gloomy. Young people trying to carve out who they are, what they stand for. Every year the leaves sprout from buds, live over the year and then drop off when dead, only to be reborn again the next spring. I'd like to re-write this one too, but will leave it as is. I have never completely rewritten or significantly edited any writing.
It Will Never Fade
I've wasted the whole day
Going through all the photos
The two of us at our best
Time has pried us apart
And I don't think of you so much
Anymore
When the piles of pictures
Were once again uncovered
I realized how much of me
You took
The sorrow is still there
Though I've learned to mask
Those pictures
Despite how they hurt
I manage to smile and somehow
Only recall the good
Things would be different
But I can only dream
Only pictures
Just paper and color
Of you
Of us
Us
It will never fade
June 11, 1993
Background: This was an extension to a similar one titled "Old Pictures." That spiral notebook rarely turned to previous pages as I just kept writing. Maybe I didn't recall a similar one already. I must have found that photo album again or added new pictures to the album and then thought about the old pictures once again. Interesting to me why there was another similar one written four months later.
Six Months
Six months they said
My shoulder was your best friend
Those long desperate nights
The anger fear and uncertainty
There was me
And my love
My words of strength
Nights of rocking you to slumber
In my arms
As tears turned to silence
Strong but physically weak
Before my eyes
The dearest in my life
Was dying
Then the fourth month came
I am afraid they said
Back to rest you went
Two days never seemed so long
The next, you were gone
I replay the night we said goodbye
Honest what I said
When we met souls then
We'd never be alone
Be there for you always
Scared alone and determined
I'll be with you forever
Starting now
As the lights go out
June 1993
Background: Another one hard to recall the exact influence. From what I recall, it was a mix of two different things. First, a television show about a couple that found out one spouse would likely pass on in six months due to illness. Second, my darkened outlook on life brought me into the mindset that I was the one ill and would pass on; not really in a physical sense, but more of being tired and not caring so much any longer. This is more about finding your love on the other side than the situation of losing someone.
Our Song
That song on the radio
Made me think of you
Thought I had forgotten
Time will never heal this wound
I remember the night you told me
Told me of your indecency
Only four days apart
I guess maybe you were right
Maybe I didn't do those little things
And maybe I should have just listened
All those times I offered my views
Maybe I did go wrong sometimes
And maybe I put myself first too much
When that song plays
The night I remember
Was the night we held each other close
As they performed that song for us
For we were the only ones that mattered
We were one
As they played our song
Teary-eyed and in a trance
We were so in love
In love
That's what I remember
When I hear that song on the radio
Why did it have to end
June 1993
Background: A mix of a few things and a few people in this one. Reading over this again makes me think I heard a song about something similar and this was my version of it. Music can be such a powerful part of our lives. It can bring back a multitude of varying emotions. There are many songs that I will always bond with and a few I will never listen to again.
Every Time
Just got back
From the secret place we shared
Alone with our love
That place we used to go
Could bring back
All that is gone
When the phone rings
And the sun breaks the horizon
And the heavens become