“No,” she keeps saying. “This is all I need, right here.”
Then she’s asleep.
“I have to go fill some prescriptions,” Dad announces when I come in from unpacking the car. “But first . . .”
He holds out a little bundle of folded paper. My breath catches.
“Maybe I don’t want to read this,” I say as I take it out of his hand anyway.
“Your mom’s right. It’s not so bad. Remember how I said your birth mother was a human being? The same goes for your birth father. Just read it. Or not. You can put it in a drawer, too. But it’s yours now.”
He leaves to get Mom’s pills from the pharmacy. I sit at the kitchen table and unfold the papers. I don’t want to be—how did S put it?—ruled by fear.
My phone pings. Nyla.
Nyla: How’d they take it?
Me: Like champions. As usual.
Nyla: Good. You mom’s home now?
Me: Yes. She’s sleeping. She loved the sign.
Nyla: Good.
Me: Dad gave me non-identifying information form.
Nyla: I thought you already had that.
Me: For my birth father.
Nyla: Oh. I was wondering about that. What does it say?
Me: I haven’t read it yet. Dad literally gave it to me two minutes ago.
Nyla: Oh, sorry. I’ll let you read.
(Like one minute later.)
Nyla: Do you need me to come over and read it with you? Remember I got you.
Me: Thanks. No. I got this myself.
I mute my phone and pick up the paper again. I feel like it should be labeled, “Caution. Proceed at your own risk.” But I won’t be ruled by fear. So I read on.
NON-IDENTIFYING INFORMATION FOR ADOPTION REGISTRY
SOCIAL AND HEALTH HISTORY☐ Birth mother ☑ Birth father
The information in this report has been provided by the birth parent.
The Bureau of Vital Records is not responsible for the accuracy of this information.
DESCRIPTION OF SELF
Marital status: ☑ Single ☐ Married ☐ Separated ☐ Divorced ☐ Widowed
If married or separated: ☐ Civil marriage ☐ Religious ceremony
Are you an enrolled member of a Native American tribe, Alaskan village, or affiliated with a tribe? ☐ Yes ☑ No If yes, what tribe?
Religion:
Catholic
Ethnic background (e.g., English, German, etc.):
I don’t know. My grandma used to claim that her mother was half Cherokee.
Country or state of birth:
Idaho
Race (e.g., Black, White, American Indian, Japanese, etc.):
White
Height:
5'11"
Weight:
150
Hair color and texture:
blond, curly
Eye color:
green
Unique physical features (e.g., freckles, moles, etc.):
Complexion: ☐ Fair ☑ Medium ☐ Olive ☐ Dark
☑ Right-handed ☐ Left-handed
Physical build (e.g., big/small boned, long/short limbed, muscular, etc.):
Slender, a little muscular—I work out.
Talents, hobbies, and other interests:
Theater, listening to music, playing guitar, painting and sculpting, writing songs, going to movies.
Which of the following describe your personality (check all that apply): ☐ Aggressive ☐ Emotional ☐ Happy ☐ Rebellious ☐ Shy ☐ Serious ☐ Calm ☑ Friendly ☑ Irresponsible ☑ Fun ☐ Temperamental ☐ Critical ☑ Outgoing ☐ Stubborn ☐ Unhappy
Comments:
I’m depressed sometimes. I handle it.
EDUCATION
Last grade level completed:
12
Average grade received or GPA:
B student
Presently in school: ☑ Yes ☐ No
Future plans for schooling:
I’m a theater major—going to graduate with my BA and then move to New York and be an actor full-time.
Subjects you are interested in:
Theater, music, art, history, literature.
Any school-related problems or challenges (tutoring, Special Ed, etc.):
None
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
Current occupation:
Military service: ☐ Yes ☑ No If yes, branch of service:
Vocational training:
Work history:
gas station attendant, worked at a drive-in, fast food
FAMILY HISTORY
Was anyone in your family adopted? ☑ Yes ☐ No If yes, who?
I was adopted by my grandmother when I was 10.
Your order of birth (e.g., 1st of 4):
1st of 4
Personal relationships with parents, siblings, or extended family members:
Before I went to college I lived with my grandma and my brothers and sisters. She’s strict but we are all pretty close. My mom’s in jail for drugs. My dad split before I was born. So it’s just my grandma and my siblings.
Summarize adjustment to pregnancy. Include how you and your parents adjusted to the pregnancy, and if you had peer support:
I told my grandma about this yesterday. She thinks I should keep the baby. But I think this is better.
YOUR BIRTH PARENTS (child’s grandparents)
FATHER
Age (if deceased, state age at time of death):
?
Health problems:
?
Height/weight:
?
Hair/eye color:
?
Build: ☐ Small ☐ Medium ☐ Large ☐ Extra large
Complexion: ☐ Fair ☐ Medium ☐ Olive ☐ Dark
Right-/left-handed:
?
Description of personality (e.g., happy, shy, stubborn, etc.):
No idea. My grandma doesn’t like to talk about him.
Talents, hobbies, interests:
Taking a walk.
Education:
?
Occupation:
?
Number of siblings:
?
Race (Black, White, American Indian, etc.):
?
Ethnic background (e.g., German, English, etc.):
?
Now I wish I knew.
Religion:
Probably not.
Marital status: ☐ Single ☐ Married ☐ Separated ☐ Divorced ☐ Widowed
Aware of this pregnancy? ☐ Yes ☑ No
MOTHER
Age (if deceased, state age at time of death):
37
Health problems:
Her teeth and skin and hair are all bad because of the meth.
Height/weight:
5'9"? Always skinny.
Hair/eye color:
blond, green
Build: ☐ Small ☑ Medium ☐ Large ☐ Extra large
Complexion: ☐ Fair ☑ Medium ☐ Olive ☐ Dark
Right-/left-handed:
right
Description of personality (e.g., happy, shy, stubborn, etc.):
She’s also bipolar so it depends on the day. I remember that sometimes she was really happy and sometimes she cried a lot.
Talents, hobbies, interests:
I don’t know. She could play the piano a little.
Education:
?
Occupation:
incarcerated
Number of siblings:
1
Race (Black, White, American Indian, etc.):
white
Ethnic background (e.g., German, English, etc.):
German, Grandma says, and a little Native American.
Religion:
She used to go to the Calvary church sometimes when she was trying to get clean.
Marital status: ☑ Single ☐ Married ☐ Separated ☐ Divorced ☐ Widowed
Aware of this pregnancy? ☐ Yes ☑ No
YOUR BIRTH BROTHERS AND S
ISTERS (child’s uncles and aunts)
1) ☑ BROTHER ☐ SISTER
Age (if deceased, state age at time of death):
17
Health problems:
Height/weight:
5'11"
Hair/eye color:
blond, green
Build: ☐ Small ☑ Medium ☐ Large ☐ Extra large
Complexion: ☐ Fair ☑ Medium ☐ Olive ☐ Dark
Right-/left-handed:
right
Talents, hobbies, interests:
smoking pot
Education:
11th
Occupation:
student
Religion:
none
Marital status: ☑ Single ☐ Married ☐ Separated
☐ Divorced ☐ Widowed
Aware of this pregnancy? ☐ Yes ☑ No
2) ☐ BROTHER ☑ SISTER
Age (if deceased, state age at time of death):
15
Health problems:
Height/weight:
5'6"
Hair/eye color:
black, brown
Build: ☑ Small ☐ Medium ☐ Large ☐ Extra large
Complexion: ☐ Fair ☐ Medium ☑ Olive ☐ Dark
Right-/left-handed:
right
Talents, hobbies, interests:
movies, music, drawing
Education:
9th
Occupation:
student
Religion:
none
Marital status: ☑ Single ☐ Married ☐ Separated ☐ Divorced ☐ Widowed
Aware of this pregnancy? ☐ Yes ☑ No
MEDICAL HISTORY
Please indicate “None” or “You” if you or any genetic relatives (i.e., your mother, father, sisters, brothers, grandparents, uncles, aunts, or any other children you have had) ever had or now has any of the medical conditions listed below. Please explain in the comments section.
Baldness:
Grandma says Grandpa was bald.
Birth defects: None
Clubfoot: None
Cleft palate: None
Congenital heart disease: None
Cancer:
Grandpa, lung cancer.
Other: None
ALLERGIES
Animals:
My younger sister is allergic to everything.
Asthma:
My younger sister.
Eczema:
Grandma
Food:
Younger sister
Hay fever/plants:
Sister
Hives:
Sister
Medications:
Sister
Other allergies:
Sister
Other (specify):
VISUAL IMPAIRMENT
Astigmatism:
I wear glasses/contacts.
Blindness: None
Color blindness: None
EMOTIONAL/MENTAL ILLNESS
Bipolar (manic depressive):
My mom. It came on when she was 22.
Schizophrenia:
Grandma says an aunt has that.
Severe depression:
My mom, my brother and sister.
Suicide:
One of my little sisters tried to kill herself last year. I was like that, too, when I was her age.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder: None
Personality disorder: None
Alcoholism/drug addiction:
My father, when he lived with us, and obviously my mom.
Other (specify): None
HEREDITARY DISEASES
Cystic fibrosis: None
Galactosemia: None
Hemophilia: None
Huntington’s disease: None
Hypothyroidism or hyperthyroidism: None
CARDIOVASCULAR DISEASE
Heart attack:
My great-grandpa, before I was born.
Heart murmur: None
High blood pressure:
Grandma
Diabetes:
Grandma and my aunt.
SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES
Chlamydia: None
Gonorrhea: None
Herpes:
My brother gets cold sores.
Syphilis: None
Other (specify): None
NEUROLOGICAL DISORDERS
Cerebral palsy: None
Muscular dystrophy: None
Multiple sclerosis: None
Epilepsy: None
Stroke:
My great-grandma had a stroke but she was pretty old.
Rheumatic fever: None
Other (specify): None
DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDERS
Learning disability / ADHD:
My brother and I both have this.
Mental retardation (specify type): None
Down syndrome: None
Speech or hearing problems: None
Low birth weight:
My younger sister.
Other (specify): None
HISTORY OF DRUG USE
PRESCRIPTION:
Specify type (e.g., Prozac, Accutane, etc.)
Paxil
Date of last use:
today
☑ Before conception ☑ After conception
OVER-THE-COUNTER:
Specify type (e.g., diet pills, antihistamine, etc.)
☐ Before conception ☐ After conception
OTHER TYPES OF DRUGS USED:
Alcohol
Some
Specify type:
Beer and hard stuff sometimes.
Date of last use:
yesterday
☑ Before conception ☑ After conception
Downers (i.e., sleeping pills, barbiturates, etc.)
Specify type:
Date of last use:
☐ Before conception ☐ After conception
Cocaine (“Crack”)
By injection? ☐ Yes ☐ No
Date of last use:
☐ Before conception ☐ After conception
Heroin/pain killers
By injection? ☐ Yes ☐ No
Date of last use:
☐ Before conception ☐ After conception
Hallucinogens (i.e., LSD, Ecstasy, PCP, etc.)
Specify type:
Date of last use:
☐ Before conception ☐ After conception
Cigarettes
I smoked in high school.
Specify type:
Marlboro
Date of last use:
☑ Before conception ☐ After conception
Marijuana
Yes
Date of last use:
Last week
☑ Before conception ☑ After conception
Other
Specify type:
Date of last use:
☐ Before conception ☐ After conception
SOCIAL AND HEALTH HISTORY☐ Birth mother ☑ Birth father
If you wish, please add any additional information that will further describe you and your situation. (Consider your schooling, health, work, goals and hopes for the future, relationship history, religious or spiritual beliefs, challenges, strengths, etc.)
I don’t know what to say, because I just found out about this baby. My grandma raised me the best she could and she did a pretty good job. I am the first person in my family to go to college. I have messed-up genes, too, and I’m doing great. Okay, maybe not great, but fine. I’m going to make something of myself.
38
The first thing that sticks out to me is that my birth father was adopted, too. I mean, I know it’s a totally different situation from my own. He was adopted by his grandmother, along with his siblings, but it’s also true that he, like me, was raised by people who were not his biological parents. We have that much in common.
Oh, and then there’s the part where he wants to be an actor in New York City. My birth father had the same lo
ve of the stage and the lights and the adrenaline of the show. So I may have inherited my birth mother’s duck feet. But I inherited my birth father’s dreams.
Reading the letters made me feel like I knew S, really knew her, understood the way she thought and how she felt about the world. Reading this form makes me feel like I know my birth father, who I like to imagine as D—D for Dawson, but I know that’s not his name. And D’s life wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination. I knew that going in. Yes, there’s some stuff on that form that’s less than ideal. But if I were Mom and Dad’s biological child, I’d be worried about heart disease and MS, which is what my dad’s sister died of a few years ago. Everybody’s got baggage. And everyone has skeletons hidden somewhere in their family tree.
I’m just profoundly grateful that my parents didn’t ask for a refund when they read the form. Say the words jail and drugs and bipolar disorder, throw in a few suicide attempts and an alcoholic deadbeat dad, and a lot of people would tap out. Instead they took a chance on me. They picked me. They loved me. They gave me a beautiful life.
After a couple of days, when things calm down a bit, my parents and I have the full-disclosure conversation. They tell me a different kind of story from the one I grew up hearing, the one about the desperate couple and the brave young girl. They recount everything they remember about my adoption, the stuff I already know and the stuff I didn’t—every person they talked to during the process, lawyers and social workers, doctors, friends, every detail of their journey into acquiring me as their kid. And I, in turn, tell them about all the little steps of my search up to now, the stuff they already know and the stuff I kept to myself up to now: the birth certificate, the internet registry, the yearbooks, the letters. And when we’re all finally on the exact same page of this story, we talk about what we want now.
“I want to find her,” I say, looking back and forth between them. “I hope that’s okay.”
This goes beyond simple curiosity for me now. I’m becoming achingly aware of an S-shaped hole inside of me, an empty space that was always there, but I can feel it more keenly now that I’ve read the letters. I can hear S’s voice in the back of my head. Her funny, sarcastic way of talking. I can hear myself, is the thing. In her voice, I can hear part of me. Or maybe I’ve got that backward.
She’s part of me. I’m a part of her.
“We want to help you find her,” Dad says, and I believe him this time.
“But can you wait for a little while, so we can all do it together?” Mom asks tremulously. “Maybe this is selfish, but . . . I don’t want you to do it without me.”
“Yes,” I agree, because it feels like I owe her that much. “Yes, I’ll wait.”
Dear X,