it’s funny how much I want us to be one
but never hear you say I’m hot
it’s funny how much I love your smile
but how seldom you use it
it’s funny how I hate your style
but that makes you lit
it’s funny how much I need you in my life
but am petrified to ask if you’d like me as your wife.
________________
Indecision
I try so hard to be your friend
But you keep pushing me aside
Whether I stay or leave will depend
On if you make me want to hide
Away my emotions from you
Or bottle up my fears
Cause this thing you do
Makes me want to shed tears
And run from before your face
The rejection is more than spite
Feels like being sprayed with mace
And the stinging in my eyes ruins my sight
Makes me blind to this abuse
That I am going through
Please stop this thing you do.
________________
unable
I just wanted you to hold my hand
But you’d pull away
I wanted a hug but you just shoved me in the sand
“I love you too” is what I hoped you’d say
but never heard it said back
I tried telling you how I feel
you responded with a verbal attack
Now with others I don’t know how to deal
Or know whom I should trust.
You’ve ruined my life
Thanks to you I’m unable to feel.
________________
You keep telling me to keep it up
that I do so well with taking care of them
But it’s you we should be thinking about.
I hate not knowing what to say to you
And when the words are at the edge of my lips,
I freeze and want to shout
Cause it’s causing me so much pain
To not burst into tears
And tell you how much you mean to me
How you made me feel like I was special when
I thought I was worthless
I keep wanting to buy you chocolate but
You can’t eat it anymore
I want to cry every time I pass it in the store
I hate seeing you lying there
I hate hearing the stupid gossip
That some of your family doesn’t care
I saw them crying
I don’t know what to say to your son
It hurts to see him cry
It is killing me to watch kier cry too
I wish I was the one
In the bed about to die
So that they could all still have you
________________
Cup
burning eyes
holding in my pain
why did she have to tell so many lies
and what did he have to gain
by leading me on
when she was what he really wanted
but now that my happiness is gone
and each time he smiles I am taunted
by the fact
that my best friend
used me
betrayed our pact
and into misery did send
my life to a bloody sea
infested with lies
swarming with deceit
filled with painful cries
and him ready to eat
all of us up
but he'll never drink
out of my cup.
________________
TIME
bad vibes
race through me
my feelings it bribes
with what could be
I just stare blank
at my worst fears
falling off a plank
plunging into a sea of tears
from my own face
so many things
could make me a disgrace
time is what my heart sings
________________
would it be alright?
would it be alright to cry?
I want to
maybe then your words wouldn't
make me wish to die
are your intentions true?
if yes
then you'd be amazed at all I'd do
and what I'd confess
but if not
then nothing for you
is what I got.
________________
Maybe
maybe they will admit it
before they're gone
maybe their hearts will beat
and the electricity turned on
for the anger it will eat up
all those you love
or at least numb all senses
________________
May Become
you died last night
but I don't care
out of mind out of sight
I wouldn't dare
miss your nasty bite
I will just hatefully stare
at your corpse with fright
of what I may become
________________
Break
last night our eyes gently met
while I watched your lips move
I kept wondering why my stomach felt so upset
Whenever you’d touch me
Every time you’d smile I got weak in the knees
Yet I don’t want to submit to you
Cause each time the guy leaves
You’re no different No telling what you’ll do
I want to avoid the feelings creeping into my heart
Cause you love her
and this is tearing me a part.
________________
why do I always seem to let you hurt me?
________________
THE OATH
I have a soft spot for them both
But neither loves me back
So I made today an oath
To tie up my heart and never it unpack
For guys as ruthless as them.
Cause last night I learned they could be so cruel
I hate how over me they rule
But at least one tried to make my heart calm
And sometimes I want to be his
But he’ll never grasp my palm
Or feel that I am all there is
And there is more distance between us
than I would ever admit upon paper
so I will not fuss
or get jealous
cause I know that somewhere
there is another
who about me will care.
________________
Smile
you smile
but I give you the cold shoulder
you've been trying for a while
but I seem to just get colder
I look your way
and meet your eyes
then I don't know what to say
without dropping my disguise
exposing my fear
and risking humiliation
into a puddle of misery I peer
for I cause so much aggravation
making it seem like rejection
when actually you've given my heart
this awful infection
that from me will not part
I can't get you out
from within me
makes me want to shout
if only you could see
that it's not you
I'm just scared
and don't know what to do
________________
Stars
the waves hit the shore
while I sit alone
watching the one I adore
unopened chairs
litter the bea
ch
letting all my cares
float out of reach
so many things
stars can say
without mouths
yet under them we lay
________________
gray skies
over-grown weeds
anger slowly dies
and I think of deeds
that may one day have fulfillment
if you’re willing to stay
yes will you wait
for my heart to wash up to shore?
or will I slowly become a bore?
for city lights
fast cars
cloud your sight
and you cannot see
these bars
holding me back
from coming to you
________________
Rocky Cliff
I want to live in a house
on a rocky cliff
to always remind me of
what it is I do
I keep myself on edge
hanging onto my deepest fears
but if I were to let go
fall into this abyss
maybe I'd find eternal happiness
if I get caught under a wave
knowing all I crave
was given the answer no
________________
I listen to you jabber
in the distance
you wondering if
you should grab her
but in just an instance
the tide rises
yes now you see
the world has many surprises
________________
a blanket of blue
takes you to a sparkling light
maybe there is a person
filled with love
waiting for me to find my way
but as I look above
at all the stars
I know I must pay
the price
for loving a fool
who in the end
I will treat so cruel
________________
with all the messages I send
still I don't receive a reply
Can someone open my bottle?
or will I be alone
as I say goodbye?
________________
the drums play
in the distance
for any to hear
clapping and laughter
fill your ear
but all at this party
will be crying after
they return home
smelling of Bacardi
doesn't anyone see
the pain they numb?
why must it be
that all of us are so dumb?
for if we knew where we stood
we'd surely know
exactly what we are to do
________________
you stole my heart
I'm floating on a wave
but soon we will part
two roads we pave
shall we meet?
this you must decide
if so for me this would be defeat
which is okay
for I want to be with someone
forever starting today
________________
Maybe…
Maybe I'll admit how I feel
before your gone
might even allow you to touch my heart
may even let you turn me on…
Or should I go numb?
for my electricity I'd like you to start
only you can fulfill my desire
but I dread the thought we may part
leaving behind this fire
that burns through my flesh
melting the ice around my heart
leaving me heartless
like globs of paint disguised as art
is my emotions
phony
that's what I've become
for hiding from pleasure is what I do
fearsome
of not being accepted by you
________________
Dream
This is a Dream
Nights were restless
Days painful to the eyes
Felt as if life were just some big mess
Of hateful pranks and lies
Empty and rejected
Afraid that I did not deserve to be loved
When I met you this is also what I expected
But you came at me with open arms
And made me feel safe and wanted
Sometimes I get scared
That this is a dream
And I will awake to emptiness and scream
For you to come back
But find you gone
So I hold off from you just enough
To allow myself to move on
And it not be so tough.
________________
like a dark blue
my emotions are
how I feel about you
like an ugly scar
you stick to my skin
confusing me
destroying me deep within
________________
________________
what am I to do?
Should I stay here with you?
Your motives are unclear
and when I see you with her
I become full of fear
Are you screwing with my heart?
Or do you really want me near?
________________
Thought…
Just like I thought
you pursue
till what you're after gets caught
they no longer matter to you
well now I'm in your snare
tangled and trapped
but do you care?
my life line just snapped
look at me fall
hitting rock bottom
you never cared for me at all
but look here I come
wishing I could get you back
but know how much pain
I'll feel when you retreat from your attack.
________________
I knew better
they always leave
they just want to see if they can "get her"
so their motives deceive
your heart
and make you wonder
if one day you'll just fall apart
and melt under
the very ground you walk upon
never uttering another audible sound.
________________
I know you love me
you know I love you
What would I be—or even do
without you in my life?
________________
I Wake
I wake
my thoughts on you
I ache
your words make the pain untrue
I cry
your shoulder I see
Why?
Do you always take care of me?
________________
Snake
You’re a snake
slithering round me
my innocence you wish to take
you look so guilty
standing there
watching my every movement
I feel your evil stare
I’m so spent
trying to impress you
and realize how content
my life is without you
but somehow thoughts still linger
in my mind
so I will just turn off the ringer
and hide behind these walls
where nothing can touch me
________________
Mine
i am not sure why
feelings creep up my spine
whenever I see this guy
Seems like I just want to make him mine
but he is so—so
much like the moon
always changing
makes me hide inside this cocoon
why can't he just be nice?
why can't he just be a man?
why does his heart feel like ice?
why can't he just be a man?
a moon changing always
makes you wonder
if he'll really stay
but his spell I’m already under
why can't he just be gentle?
why can't he just touch me right?
why does he seem mental?
why can't he just touch me right?
a thousand warnings I have heard
but just sounds like nothing
only chirpings from a bird
for me he is what they sing
I want him
but then again I’m not sure
Am I just another whim?
A true talk this would cure
but he won't be a man
I’m too afraid to go to him
but writing my fears that I can
accomplish with the lights dim
why can't he just be a man?
why can't he just say he wants me?
does he?
This stupid moon
turning me crazy
into a baboon
you are so lazy
just tell me
just tell me
________________
he told me
he does not want to be my man
I am fearlessly
going to do all I can
to stay away from him
He keeps checking the time
I must be rather dull
so being with him is thus a crime
for anyone who will not be a man
is not worthy of my touch
feelings I shall avoid
so his lies won't hurt so much.