run from Chestnut Street
down toward Divisadero,
up the stairs
and inside.
I throw my backpack
on the counter.
There’s a note there
from Mom, telling me
she’ll be home from
the gallery before dinner.
She tries so hard to be a good mom.
I open a diet soda,
eat a piece of Muenster cheese,
tearing off the yellow edges
piece by piece,
and a few saltines.
On the counter is a troll
I made in the summer.
He’s holding a boogie board
on top of his head,
crooked legs and crooked teeth.
I think about summer all the time.
Suddenly the phone rings,
and I swallow the cheese,
take a sip of soda.
Gretchen!
I clear my throat,
and try to think of the right words
to start things off.
Near the phone
are the two photos.
The before picture,
where we smile in the sun.
I see Pick and Lisa,
bright in the sunshine,
and I think of Jorge too,
so real and unreal at the same time.
Next to it, the after picture, turned facedown.
I smile at them.
Both are me.
All the way.
I pick up the phone,
take a breath,
but it’s so quiet.
Hello? I say.
Silence.
Hello? And then something unexpected,
a voice, scratchy and familiar,
hurried. A voice like Central Park
or learning to ride my bike.
A voice
like home.
Ari? it finally whispers. I stop breathing, and again,
Ari?
I let the breath in, slowly, and find my voice.
Dad?
It’s a start.
Home
My mom declares,
It’s time to clean,
spends the afternoon
putting every spray bottle,
brush, sponge,
and mop out on the kitchen
counter and starts to work.
This is her magic way
of making things new.
In the hallway,
I wipe the baseboards,
and down in the cracks
I see the pounds I’ve lost,
like creatures
hiding there,
waiting to
reach out
with sugary tentacles
and bready arms,
trying to get back on
my chin,
my love handles,
my belly,
my brain.
I spray them with
all-purpose cleaner,
dissolve them back
into the crevices.
I go to the scale,
weigh myself,
and some of the pounds did hang on,
7 of them.
I think about this for a long time.
At first, I feel the desperate rush
Then I feel the compulsion to eat something sweet.
I walk into my room,
already cleaned,
my desk spread full of drawings,
markers, and graph paper.
My shelves full of books,
a small clay troll holding ten-sided dice
and a framed drawing
of Elysium leaning on her silver sword.
I think, a few weeks ago,
gaining some weight back
would have felt like failure,
like I might as well just give up.
But it’s different now.
I don’t give up.
I don’t.
Because it isn’t just
about filling up on food.
Inside my skin
is the beach, and the sand,
the redwoods and pond water,
the feel of a kiss, wet on my lips,
a mountain climbed,
and fog forever,
boogie boards,
and sleeping mats,
stories and stories,
and real
friends.
None of it
heavy water.
Just me moving forward,
finding my own story.
I look in the mirror
near my desk,
pull up my shirt.
I see the slight bump
of my love handles,
the extra space
of my slight double chin,
but I also see how I look
different, and it’s not just
about the weight anymore.
I am
more myself than ever.
I can’t control everything—
my father, or Lisa, or anyone else—
but I can be healthier,
I can take care of myself,
I can be myself.
I’m okay.
I am
me.
Acknowledgments
Thank you to all the “real-life” people who play a part in this work of fiction, standing up and standing with me through some of the most difficult times in my life.
I am grateful beyond measure for my incredible agent, Rena Rossner, for loving this manuscript even in its earliest drafts and for working so hard to get it right. Thank you, most of all, for believing in me. Thanks to editor extraordinaire, Liz Szabla, for working tirelessly with me, for poring over the verse, for taking such incredible care of Ari and his friends, and for honoring me as a writer all the way through the process. It is a privilege to work with you. Thanks to the whole team at Feiwel & Friends, Anna Poon, publicist Kelsey Marrujo, and creative director Rich Deas. Thanks to production editor Lindsay Wagner and production manager Kim Waymer. Thanks to the amazing cover artist Chris Sheban for capturing the spirit of the book! Of course, thank you to Jean Feiwel for your warmth and your vision, for making me feel so at home at F&F. Thanks to Matt de la Peña for shaking up my life in the best way, for all the years of support, guidance, and friendship.
Thank you to the teachers, librarians, and educators out there who put books in the hands of kids who need them and for standing up for all children every day and teaching them they have a place in this world no matter what.
Thanks to those educators in the San Diego State University MFA program and beyond who believed in me as a writer and taught me that my words matter—Sandra Alcosser, Marilyn Chin, Glover Davis, and so many others. Thank you to my colleagues and students at San Diego City College and, of course, the English Center, who I have the privilege of working with side by side every day. You inspire me endlessly.
An immense thank you to my unbelievable community of deep friends and family who believe in me all the way.
Thank you to my writing people, writers whose love knows no bounds at all—Heather Eudy, Cali Linfor, Sabrina Youmans, and Nancy Cary—for reading every version of this manuscript, and for so many days and nights of hard questions, laughing, and crying. Thank you to my editor/writer friends—Crystal Ellefsen, Alan Traylor, and Adam Heine—for your enthusiasm and love for this book. Thank you also to the incredible community of writers I have grown with over this past year—Rena’s Renegades, my debut group; the NovelNineteens; the #JPStreetteam; #KIDSNEEDMENTORS; and the unbelievable world of Middle Grade and YA authors who care so much for kids and for one another. You bring me so much hope. Thank you for your friendship.
Thank you to all the wise sages in my life—Bob; Maggie; Emmett; Randall; my brother, Steve; Tuesday Morning crew; and so many others—who keep me on the right path.
I am grateful for a
ll the friendships and landscapes from my own childhood years that are woven into my heart and the heart of this book: New York City and PS 6, San Francisco, Mill Valley and Mill Valley Middle School, and Stinson Beach.
Thank you to my own mother, the artist, who, despite all of life’s challenges, championed art, creativity, feminism, freedom of expression, and taught me that nothing is impossible and that all people are worth it. So much of this book is for you.
Thank you to my son, Asa, and my daughters, Samaria and Caylao, for healing me, and filling my life with joy I can’t measure. You are my favorite human beings. Thank you for being so understanding during all the times that I had to “go and write.”
And most of all, thank you to my beautiful and fearless wife, Ella, for her unconditional love and support for me, for this book, and for this life we have built together. I am grateful every day.
Lastly, thank you to all the kids out there, just like Ari, whose stories have inspired me to write this book. I believe with all my heart that you can change the world!
About the Author
Chris Baron is a professor of English at San Diego City College. He’s also the author of the (adult) poetry collection, Lantern Tree, which was published as part of a poetry anthology, Under the Broom Tree, winner of the San Diego Book Award. He lives in San Diego, California, with his wife and their three children. All of Me is his first novel. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Before Summer
Who Am I?
Why Are You So Fat?
Moving
Since Leaving New York
Rabbi’s Office
Grown-Up Talk
School over the Bridge
I Will Fight You
First Friend
The First Time I Meet Lisa
Pencil Space
Shadow Father
Her Hands
Marzipan Potato
What Happened on the Bike Path
Manhood
How to Appear Less Fat
Elevate, Arise, Walk Home
June
Clothes Like Spider-Man
Who Am I?
The Nursery
Inside
Digging in the Dirt
Trolls
Sunday Drive
A Talk in the Car
Fat at the Beach
The Game
Pizza
When You Are Fat …
Something Finally Happened
Doctor
Apartment Doctor
Another Kind of Doctor
Broken Promise
The Answer?
We Need to Get Lisa
On Our Way
Twenty-Three Steps
Silly
A Tour
Breakfast
Before the Opening
The Opening
Night in the Nursery
Before Picture
Level 1 Induction
The Kid Who Draws at the Beach
Loch Ness Monster
Ketosis
There Is a Space
How Many Pounds?
Studio Days
Shore Break
Jorge
Sometimes My Father Comes
Shopping
Maps
See You July Fourth
The Walk
Elysium at the Beach
Jorge’s House
Saint George
10 Pounds
Mitzvot
My Father Comes
July
Promises
Then He Left
July Fourth
Bigfoot Versus Yeti
Pick
She Doesn’t See It
Long, Good Days
Baby Huey
Robots
cO-lec-tOrs
Two Champagne Bottles
After Champagne
Closing the Gallery
Lisa’s House
Fight the Corn Chip
Gretchen
Glow-in-the-Dark Stars
A Different Kind of Morning
Across the Golden Gate
Level 2: Ongoing Weight Loss
Old Photo
Stuck in the City
Sardines
Atari
No Eyes on Me
Grandma’s Letter
What If?
Middle of Level 2
Indiscretion
Post-its
The Visit
When I Get Home
The Truth
Calling Lisa
Gretchen
August
Level 3
Mysterious World
31
The Heaviest Water Is My Father
Calling My Father
I Pack
A Date
Missed
The House Call
Finally
Homecoming
Settling (Back) In
Giant Salamander
The Surprise
Not Dealing
Only Child
Boogie Boarding
A Drive
Plans
The Mothers Talk
Tools for the Journey
Not Telling
Packing List
Fog Storm
Up the Trail
Outdoor Conversations
Campsite
Roasted Hot Dogs
Crush
Prayers
Visitors
Hypothermia
Things That Exist
Mikveh
Resting Place
The Way Back
End of Summer
The Return
The Painting
Sorry
Something Takes Over
What Happens Next
The Kiss
That Part, Right Before Falling Asleep
Quiet
The Revolution Inside
The Game?
The Bruise Is Gone
New Beginning
One More Hike
After Picture
A Last Look
Dropping Lisa Off
After Summer
Gretchen
Tallit
First Day of School
Friends No Matter What
The Phone Call
Home
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
Copyright © 2019 by Chris Baron.
A FEIWEL AND FRIENDS BOOK
An imprint of Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC
175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010
mackids.com
All rights reserved.
Feiwel and Friends logo designed by Filomena Tuosto
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Baron, Chris, author.
Title: All of me / Chris Baron.
Description: First edition.|New York: Feiwel and Friends, 2019.|Summary: Ari faces what it is to be a man while dealing with a cross-country move, his parents’ separation, being bullied for his weight, and belatedly starting bar mitzvah preparations.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018039332|ISBN 978-1-250-30598-5 (hardcover)|ISBN 978-1-250-30599-2 (ebook)
Subjects:|CYAC: Novels in verse.|Body image—Fiction.|Overweight persons—Fiction.|Jews—United States—Fiction.|Bar mitzvah—Fiction.|Bullying—Fiction.|Family problems—Fiction.|Moving, Household—Fiction.
Classification: LCC PZ7.5.B37 All 2
019|DDC [Fic]—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018039332
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First hardcover edition, 2019
eBook edition, June 2019
eISBN 9781250305992