He turned and went to his room. The picture of his mother standing there, holding his father’s hand, blotted out everything else. It seemed to fit. But he was out of it now. It was his mother and his father in the end. And he was out of all of it. But somehow it seemed wholly right. It seemed the only wholly right thing he’d ever known.
He was blind from exhaustion. He undressed slowly and sat naked on the side of the bed.
Then he looked up and saw the pile of stained butts in the saucer beside the bed. Sudden tears cascaded down his face in a tidal wave. Now the horror came over him like a shroud. He was inside of the horror and it was all about him. But it was different now. It was not like it had been all the other times, such as when he’d been in the automobile accident. His mother was not there now to shield him. She’d never be there again. He was alone within the horror and he knew he’d never get out. He’d always see the world through his veil of horror.
But even that was all right now, he thought sobbingly. Everything was all right now. Even his father was resting.
He slipped beneath the covers, smelling his father’s smell. But that was all right too. It would go, and then there would only be his own smell, for always. He was quiet now, in his complete and sealing horror. He folded his arms behind his head, staring at the ceiling. He wondered if his brother Tom was still alive. His mother would have to tell Will, he thought. He wondered what Will would think of him. He found himself thinking about Will’s accident. That was the beginning, he thought; that was where it started. He thought about it for a long time, from the perspective of his horror; about his mother saying God was going to punish him for acting ugly, and how he’d thought about God afterwards when it had been Will who’d been blinded. Now he knew: God didn’t make a mistake, after all.
Finally he thought about himself. He wondered what would become of himself now. Maybe he’d look up Mr. Small and become a waiter. He’d look up Peggy too. She had his child somewhere. He’d find out where she was and write to her. He’d tell her everything. Maybe she’d understand. If she would have him after that he would marry her. If she wouldn’t maybe she’d let him help the child.
His thoughts began to drift away. Just before he went to sleep he said aloud, “Good-bye, Mama.”
Acknowledgments
Four lines of Memory Lane, on page 174, Copyright 1924 by Harms, Inc. Reprinted by permission.
Two lines of Collegiate, on page 174, Copyright 1925 by Shapiro, Bernstein & Co., Inc. Copyright renewed. Assigned to Shapiro, Bernstein & Co., Inc.
Two lines of Chloe, on page 174, lyrics by Gus Kahn, music by Neil Moret, Copyright 1927 Villa Moret, Inc. Rights controlled by Robbins Music Corporation. Used by Special Permission.
Four lines of Where’d You Get Those Eyes, on page 189, Copyright 1926 by Leo Feist Inc. Words and music by Walter Donaldson. Used by Special Permission of Copyright Proprietor.
Two lines from Me and My Shadow, on page 190. Copyright 1927 by Bourne, Inc. Used by Permission of the Copyright owners.
Two lines from Gimme a Little Kiss, on page 195. Copyright 1926 by ABC Music Corp. Used by Permission of the Copyright owners.
Three lines of When Day Is Done, on page 230, Copyright 1926 by Harms, Inc. Reprinted by Permission.
Two lines of Among My Souvenirs on page 260. Copyright 1927 by DeSylva, Brown & Henderson, Inc. Reprinted by Permission.
Table of Contents
Title
Publisher
Description
Reviews
Dedication
Epigraph
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Acknowledgments