He seemed hesitant, but finally asked, “But do you still love me?”
“Of course,” she whispered, her lip trembling when he brushed a tear off her cheek with his fingertip. “You don’t just stop loving someone overnight.”
“But can you still marry me?” When she didn’t respond, he said, “Please, Bella. Please say yes.”
“I can’t.” She wanted to, but she needed more time to process everything that had happened. The things he said to her both last night and today. This was the rest of their lives they were talking about and she needed to be one hundred percent sure before they took their vows.
His head dropped and he sucked in a breath.
“I need more time, Loran. To think—”
“Then you’re not saying no?” His eyes were wide, hopeful. “You’re saying maybe?”
“I guess I am.”
“That’s enough for now, baby.” He drew her close, whispering fiercely as his lips caressed hers, “I love you so much, Bella. Nothing in my life makes sense without you.”
***
Loran was slowly losing his mind. It had been two days since he and Bella had last spoken. He was trying to give her the time and space she’d asked for, but every hour without her felt like days, and it was tearing him up inside.
He picked up her engagement ring off the coffee table and held it between his thumb and forefinger. It was a flawless diamond. Perfect, just like she was. He knew Bella had her flaws, just like everyone, but she felt so damn perfect for him. That’s what made this so hard. He hadn’t just screwed up with a woman he loved. He’d lost his soul mate. The one woman he believed he was meant to spend his life loving and protecting.
He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t heard the fall of footsteps until he looked up and saw her watching him.
“Bella.” He stood, but didn’t know if he was supposed to go to her. Was she coming to tell him she was coming home or moving out? He stayed rooted to the spot, curling his hands into fists. “It’s good to see you.”
She set her key on the sofa back table. The key to their house was on a keychain he didn’t recognize and it was all alone, instead of interspersed with a dozen others. That couldn’t be good.
“Um, you want something to drink?” He was trying to delay the inevitable. If she was going to tell him it was over, he didn’t want to hear it.
“No thanks, I’m good.” She crossed the room and sat down beside him, reaching for his hand. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, baby. So much.”
“I had a lot of time to think though.” She pinched her lips together. “Even took some time off work to think, and journal, you know, just trying to process my thoughts.”
“Did it help?”
“It did. A lot.” She smiled. “I’m so grateful to Stella for that first journal she gave me. It really has changed my life.”
“She’d be happy to hear that.”
He’d been missing Stella something fierce the past few days. He knew his old friend would have some sage advice for him, on how to fix the mess he’d made with Bella. But she was gone and he didn’t want to burden his mother with his problems, so he’d suffered in silence. And, as Bella said, took time to think and process his own feelings. About himself, his father, their relationship, but mostly about the woman sitting next to him and how much he needed her in his life.
“People make mistakes, Loran.” She squeezed his hand. “And I know you made a mistake that night. You didn’t mean to hurt me—”
“I didn’t. I swear.” He’d take a bullet for this woman, or beat the shit out of anyone who tried to hurt her. He hoped she knew that, or that he’d have a chance to tell her, and show her, every day for the rest of their lives.
“We all say things we don’t mean sometimes, in the heat of the moment. I’ve been thinking about what I said to you and how it might have been misconstrued, especially given where your thoughts were taking you.”
“It’s not an excuse, I know—”
She leaned in, pressing her lips to his to silence him. “I know.” Her eyes locked with his. “It’s okay. I know.”
He felt like he could finally breathe. That didn’t feel like a good-bye kiss. It felt like the kiss of a woman who still wanted him. “You do?”
“Yeah.”
She glanced at a framed photo of them on the mantle. It was taken at a family gathering at her parents’ place and they were wrapped in each other’s arms. It was his favorite picture, because she looked so damn happy, like she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face if she tried.
“It hasn’t been an easy journey for us,” she said, chuckling. “That’s for damn sure. But it has been worth it.” She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “I wouldn’t change a single thing. You know why?”
He shook his head, getting caught up in how beautiful she was. When they’d first met it was her outer beauty that bowled him over, but after getting to know her, it was her inner beauty that hooked him. For life.
“Because it made us stronger. As a couple, and each of us as people.”
He nodded, because he couldn’t find his words when she looked at him like that. Especially since he feared he’d never see that look again.
“I sorted out my mess over the attack. You sorted out your mess over your dad. And together we’ll deal with the miscarriage and how that affected us.”
He leaned in kissing her cheek. “I want you to have my babies, Bell. More than anything. Don’t ever doubt that. I’ve grieved for this baby, believe me. And I know you have too.”
She stroked his face, a sad smile tugging at her lips. “I have. I don’t know why it happened, but it did, and I have to accept that. But it did make me realize something.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m ready to be a mom.”
He couldn’t hold back his grin. “Really?”
“Really.” She smiled. “But it would probably be best if we waited until after the wedding. You know, because stress isn’t good for baby or mama.”
He hauled her in for a kiss, curling his hand around the back of her head as he released all of his anger and fear and self-loathing. He felt free. Free to start over. Free to love her the way she deserved… and to learn how to love himself, for the first time in a hell of a long time.
“I love you so much,” he said, against her lips.
“I love you too, Loran.”
He reached for the engagement ring on the coffee table, knowing he would never take a single thing for granted again, especially where Bella was concerned. “The first time you agreed to be my wife there was still this niggling fear in the back of my mind, like maybe I’d do something stupid and lose you, because I didn’t trust myself to be able to love you the way I needed to.”
“I love the way you love me,” she whispered. “Don’t ever doubt that.”
“Something inside of me has shifted, Bell. I’m not afraid anymore.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” she said, curling her hand around his cheek. “Neither am I. Thanks to you. You make me feel strong, like I can handle anything.”
She made him feel the same way. The only thing he couldn’t handle would be losing her, but now he knew that would never happen. Their bond was unbreakable.
“So, this time, when I ask you to be my wife, know that it’s coming from a place of knowing.” That was the only way he could think to describe that. “Knowing that this is right. Knowing that you’re the one. Knowing that we’re going to have the most beautiful babies and the most incredible life together.”
She looked down at the ring in his hand and quirked an eyebrow. “Well? What are you waiting for, Loran? Put in on me already. I feel naked without it.”
He laughed as he slipped it on her finger and hauled her to her feet, wrapping her in his arms. “This house has felt so damn empty without you.”
“Well, I’m home, to stay.”
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