THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK
PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF
Copyright © 2021 by Catherine Cohen
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York, and distributed in Canada by Penguin Random House Canada Limited, Toronto.
www.aaknopf.com
“poem I wrote after I asked you if cereal can expire” first appeared in Together in a Sudden Strangeness: America’s Poets Respond to the Pandemic, edited by Alice Quinn (Alfred A. Knopf, 2020).
Knopf, Borzoi Books, and the colophon are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Cohen, Catherine, [date] author.
Title: God I feel modern tonight : poems from a gal about town / Catherine Cohen.
Description: First edition. | New York : Alfred A. Knopf, 2021. | This is a Borzoi book published by Alfred A. Knopf.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020020451 (print) | LCCN 2020020452 (ebook) | ISBN 9780593318331 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780593318348 (ebook)
Subjects: LCGFT: Poetry.
Classification: LCC PS3603.O3433 G63 2021 (print) | LCC PS3603.O3433 (ebook) | DDC 811/.6—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020020451
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020020452
Ebook ISBN 9780593318348
Cover illustration and design by Perry De La Vega
ep_prh_5.6.1_c0_r0
Contents
poem I wrote after I found out that alcohol is actually just sugar
poem I wrote after I woke up at 6 a.m. as a joke
poem I wrote after I crummed
poem I wrote after I went to Tuscany to journal about my toxic guitar teacher
poem I wrote after I told you I was empathetic
poem I wrote after I decided that all I need to do to be in a good mood is spend six hours alone in my apartment every day
poem I wrote after I looked at your jawline and it ruined my life
poem I wrote after I masturbated while wearing airpods
poem I wrote after I went to the gym with someone I had sex with
poem I wrote after I sent three guys the same nude
poem I wrote after I didn’t drink for six days and thought about starting a cult
poem I wrote after you told me your ex is “actually really cool”
poem I wrote after you went down on me and then called me “dude”
poem I wrote after I ruined the bathroom at Au Bon Pain
poem I wrote after I realized no one talks about that time the lululemon employee murdered her coworker in the store
poem I wrote after I decided something was going on with the moon
poem I wrote after you ordered fried shrimp at the diner and I was like “gross” but really I was like “dang that sounds good”
modern love poem
poem I wrote last night when I couldn’t go to sleep because there are no sheets on my bed because I perioded on my other sheets and cannot be bothered to put new ones on
poem I wrote after I did the dishes in my apartment and was like…okay I’m in a play
poem I wrote after experiencing an amazing hangover
poem I wrote after I told you about my joie de vivre
poem I wrote after I got scolded at the whole foods for stealing a meatball from the salad bar
poem I wrote after we enjoyed crying about how we can’t be together
poem I wrote after calling someone a “darling of the scene”
poem I wrote after seeing that guy from project runway at the whole foods AGAIN
poem I wrote after I read an article on why it is so hard to go up stairs
poem I wrote after I called myself the taylor swift of comedy
poem I wrote after a stranger on youtube said he wouldn’t fuck me with someone else’s cock
poem I wrote after I ordered a waffle as a side dish
poem I wrote after I asked my personal trainer if he believed in god
poem I wrote after my therapist told me to have a drink
poem I wrote after I told you I was free bleeding at the improv show
poem I wrote after you helped me assemble my new couch and then broke up with me on it
love poem for my british lover
every good song is named “dreams”
poem I wrote after you told me “I don’t think you’re as amazing as you think you are”
Life is in the spaces between sex with you
oh god
it’s worse than I thought
Italy
The night we met you kissed me in a closet and I slapped you and told you to ruin my life
There’s no such thing as overreacting, it’s called reacting, darling!
the void
poem I wrote after I had a dream Jessica Simpson took me “under her wing”
poem I wrote after I listened to my Spotify top songs of 2019 and it undid all the work I did in therapy last year
poem I wrote after my lover quoted Zoolander towards me
poem I wrote after I opened a canned wine upon receiving your email
poem I wrote after I asked my friend if her new boyfriend cares about me
poem I wrote after another exquisite morning on my phone
poem I wrote after I asked you if cereal can expire
poem I wrote after the new taylor swift album came out thank god
poem I wrote after I had the strangest urge to confide in dear friends beneath starlight
poem I wrote after I texted my therapist that I’m not pregnant
poem I wrote after I tried to write a tweet about sparkling water
poem I wrote after I took a photo of my tits with a self-timer alone like an adult
poem I wrote after I made you tell me I was sexy four times today
road trip poem #3
road trip poem #9
road trip poem #12
road trip poem #17
road trip poem #20
poem I wrote after I found out that alcohol is actually just sugar
I live in America and
there’s only one good show on TV
I wake up early to watch the sunrise
anything can be political if you tweet about it
I can’t imagine having children
I haven’t even had sex with a doctor
sometimes I sigh so loud in public
that a stranger on the street will ask if I’m okay
I’m okay my work isn’t good but it’s online
and that’s what counts
poem I wrote after I woke up at 6 a.m. as a joke
my beaded bag & I got stuck on the C train
& spoke to a guy who said he has the best
sound system in lower manhattan
in the future everyone will be 25 minutes late
to their 45 minute therapy session
in the future restaurants won’t make you wait
for the whole party to arrive before they seat you
I can’t wait to check my phone
I can’t wait to hear my daughter’s first podcast
I ask my therapist why should I want to grow
she says I will suffer less
what is she trying to prove?
an italian waiter once told me the
only thing that matters is the sound of the rain
did he even want to fuck me?
poem I wrote after I crummed
(crum: to cry and cum at same time)
my beaded bag & I are going to CityMD
because I’m convinced I’m dying again
everyone who works here looks like they run a casino
but I still believe them
this morning at 2 p.m. I got a cold brew
and felt like falling in love
boys love to run down stairs fast
men love to date powerful women for 3–8 weeks
I love when someone is “surprise married”
that’s when someone tells me they’re married
and I’m like but you’re my age
and they’re like yeah
and I’m like that’s surprising to me…
poem I wrote after I went to Tuscany to journal about my toxic guitar teacher
going swimming is an amazing way
to stop being on your phone
there’s no oranges in this sunrise
I was promised oranges
I was promised the upper west side
I woke up so early
and the lonely polo horses won’t even come say hi
I can’t believe I had sex in these woods
sex! the biggest, baddest thing you can do, baby!
sex with its slime and guts
and romance if you’re drunk
it’s nothing like swimming you know
when it’s done
poem I wrote after I told you I was empathetic
I go to the CVS on 14th & 8th
and you’ve asked me not to contact you anymore
one time you were having a smoothie like it was 1998
and there was nothing I could do about it
your jawline is so perfect that I cannot stop
telling you to kill me even though you said please stop
asking me to kill you
a leaf just fell outside my window
remember when I tripped on the dance floor
and that guy who always talked about Ibiza
called me a fat whore?
I should have said I’m a leaf
I’m a leaf like I was in a play
like I was in something bigger than my body
I can’t tell if my therapist is cool or just has short bangs
poem I wrote after I decided that all I need to do to be in a good mood is spend six hours alone in my apartment every day
when someone hates me I’m obsessed
I’m cosplaying as my ex
by watching a movie
in the middle of the day
my career goal is to raise a gorgeous
brooklyn-based toddler
whose friend will one day cast them
in an academy award–winning film as a joke
I also want to be the first woman
in ill-fitting pants to be in an episode
of Succession
I want to show up with a camel toe
and have everyone be like
wait…
poem I wrote after I looked at your jawline and it ruined my life
at this point if my pussy doesn’t feel weird
that’s when I start to worry
some of my closest friends have
chosen to go to weddings
instead of hanging around the city
listening to me complain about someone
I kissed in 2012
when someone is married I do take that personally
when someone is tall I love that shit
there’s a german word for wanting
to burn down everything you own
but I guess I could just sublet my place
poem I wrote after I masturbated while wearing airpods
I just found out dog isn’t short for something
it’s actually just called a dog, which is fine with me
I’m in the kitchen alone, which is romantic in a way
anything can be romantic if you sigh a lot
one time I told this guy I loved him
and he said “I don’t know what love is”
anyway he just got engaged
poem I wrote after I went to the gym with someone I had sex with
sometimes being an adult means washing your hair
sometimes the only way to know
if someone is definitely straight
is if they instagram a building
sometimes I feel like
if I look at my phone
I will die
or even worse, not die
it’s insane when you ask someone to give you space
and then they do
poem I wrote after I sent three guys the same nude
my dad is jewish & my mom is catholic
so I was confirmed catholic
but now the only holy trinity in my life
is yeast infection, diarrhea, period blood
do you like this?
poem I wrote after I didn’t drink for six days and thought about starting a cult
I have a disease where I never want
to get out of the uber
because then it means I have to be somewhere
for years I’ve been suffering from a serious addiction
to Adam Driver and Jason Schwartzman even
I think my crush hasn’t texted me
because I’m out of town
but then again I never told him I was going out of town
what if I used my brain for good
instead of thinking about boys with swoopy hair all day?
poem I wrote after you told me your ex is “actually really cool”
no one talks about this but in 2013
I inserted a tampon in the back seat of a car
on my way to a nickelback concert
I said I’d go to the concert
because my friend Ted asked me to
turns out I’m addicted to male attention
even when it’s platonic
I don’t like nickelback
I only like songs that sound like surfing
but then the lyrics are like “I wanna die”
I wish I were smart instead of on my phone
poem I wrote after you went down on me and then called me “dude”
whenever someone looks at me on the subway
I’m like okay they want to have raw dog sex with me
I think me ordering a coffee “to stay” at a café
could be the entire plot of a romcom
I’ve been trying
to come up with ideas for my screenplay
so I googled “things that happen to people”
and the first thing that came up
was a website called “list of bad things”
and the first thing on the list was
“your home is broken into and you are raped”
and I th
ink that is definitely two bad things
I don’t know I didn’t make the website
I’m so confident and scared and certain
that seeing a tree through a window
is my religion. I hate feeling bad
I don’t even like walking downhill
when someone hates me it hurts
my feelings of course
poem I wrote after I ruined the bathroom at Au Bon Pain
I haven’t listened to a new song since college