Copyright © 2012 by Calvin Trillin
All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Random House, an imprint of The Random House Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
RANDOM HOUSE and colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
The narrative poem that constitutes the bulk of this book appears here for the first time. Most of the poems embedded in it originally appeared in The Nation. The prose pieces originally appeared in The New Yorker, Slate, or The New York Times.
ISBN 978-0-8129-9368-4
eISBN: 978-0-8129-9369-1
Jacket design: Misa Erder
Jacket illustrations: Barry Blitt
www.atrandom.com
v3.1
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
1. 2008
2. 2010
3. Mentionables
4. Trump Trumped
5. First One Out
6. A Brief Reign on Top
7. Oops Indeed
8. The Search for a Mitt-Whomper
9. Newt Redux
10. Carpet Bombing
11. Stuck Again
12. Unstuck
13. Anybody Out There Want to Be President?
14. Unstuck?
15. Carpet Bombing Redux
16. Stuck Again
17. The Southern Strategy
18. The Party’s Over
19. Mitt’s Got the Gold
20. Bain
21. The White House Prepares
22. The Race Shapes Up
23. A June Surprise
24. Shaken Up
25. Money Makes the World Go Around
26. August Surprise
27. Reaching the Starting Line
28. September Surprise
29. Falling Back
30. First Debate
31. Obama Redux
32. The Stretch
33. The Stretch of the Stretch
Dedication
Other Books by This Author
About the Author
Let the Barking and Biting Begin
Mitt Romney put Seamus on top of the car.
(“He liked it up there, and we weren’t going far.”)
Obama, in boyhood, while in Indonesia,
Once swallowed some dog meat without anesthesia.
Though dog lovers wouldn’t be either man’s base,
A dogfight seemed what was in store for their race.
And people were saying, “We wonder which dude’ll
Emerge as the pit bull, and which as the poodle.”
1.
2008
The ’08 votes for President were in.
They showed Barack Obama with the win—
A solid win, a win that was historic.
Americans were moved to wax euphoric.
Yes, even some who’d voted for McCain
Were proud we’d have a man of color reign
As President. Historians took note.
Amidst the cheers, one versifier wrote,
“And foreigners from Rome to Yokohama
Were cheering an American: Obama.
From this vote, they were willing to infer
We aren’t the people they had thought we were.
And Lady Liberty, as people call her,
Was standing in the harbor somewhat taller.”
The task this man would face, of course, was humbling:
The whole economy had started crumbling.
As people lost their jobs and houses too,
The experts disagreed on what to do.
Some banks were saved, and some were left to fail.
As Hamlet said, “To bail or not to bail … ”
The People in Charge
The people in charge of the bailout attempts
Are titans of Wall Street, with fortunes accrued.
They seem a bit clueless about what to do.
Remember when they were the guys who seemed shrewd?
Yes, Washington says, from both sides of the aisle,
That these are the shoulders upon which to lean.
But we’d feel more confident if we were sure
That they knew what “credit default swap” might mean.
And Congress seemed to any average voter
Irreparable, much like a seized-up motor.
One hope persisted once Obama’d won:
That he would change the way that things were done.
His victory, some said, could also mean
The GOP was fading from the scene—
A party that was clearly in its throes.
The Sabbath Gasbags on the Sunday shows
Said at the least from now on we would see
A dismal decade for the GOP—
A period filled with sadness and regrets,
With losses like the early sixties Mets.
The Gasbags, though, had said the same before—
To be precise, in 1964.
They’d said the landslide won by LBJ
Might cause the GOP to fade away.
But this was all forgotten by the date
Of Nixon’s win in 1968.
The Gasbags have a minor brain affliction:
They can’t remember any wrong prediction.
The State of the Union, 2009
The State of the Union’s the President’s chance to speak, perorate, and evoke.
For this year’s an honest first sentence would be “The State of the Union is broke.”
To counter what Obama would orate
To Congress on the nation’s shaky state,
The top Republicans chose Bobby Jindal,
In hopes a rising star like him could kindle
Some sort of spark conservatives would find
Inspiring, and not become resigned
To wandering in the wilderness once more
While Democratic liberals ran the store.
But Jindal, thought to be a true past master
Of speaking, was, in fact, a true disaster.
This governor’s ideas seemed rather skimpy.
The governor himself seemed rather wimpy.
He proved to be an easy man to mock:
He’s like the dorky page on 30 Rock.
Bad Opening Night for the G.O.P.
Yes, poor Bobby Jindal has flubbed his premiere.
If this is the guy who they think is a star,
There’s one thing to say, and to say loud and clear:
Come back, Sarah Palin, wherever you are.
In stories from the capital we read
That now the GOP was close to dead
And Democrats would soon be dancing jigs,
Their opposition fading out like Whigs.
2.
2010
Recovery moved slowly, step by step—
Called sluggish, though most slugs have much more pep.
Obama’s health-care bill was passed—a feat
Republicans then demonized tout suite,
Although its main ideas all began
As part of a Republican-backed plan.
(The White House seemed afflicted with some shyness
While letting them brand quite a plus a minus.)
Some critics said that health care could have waited
Until our unemployment woes abated.
Barack Obama’s promised hope and change
Seemed far away and maybe out of range.
The Sabbath Gasbags then began to say
Obama’s mojo may have drained away.
Pundits Say Washington Must Instill Confidence
The pundits say Obama must discuss
Our plight but sound much less like Gloomy Gus:
We need the-only-thing-we-have-to-fear leaders,
Or, failing that, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.
And meanwhile all across this wounded land
Some angry people said they’d take their stand.
They said that what the Framers had in mind
Was not a government that seemed inclined
To dominate our lives at work and play
And grow much more intrusive every day.
They said that those who’d worked, obeyed the rules,
Were now supporting layabouts and fools.
These folks were quick to vocally condemn
All handouts (but the ones that went to them).
Quite quickly, they were ready to proclaim
They were a movement, and they took a name
From Boston patriots who took such glee
In tossing British tea into the sea.
Tea Party
Tea Party! Tea Party! We’re mad as hell.
Government’s huge, and growing pell-mell.
Immigrant numbers continue to swell.
No wonder we’re all mad as hell.
Tea Party! Tea Party! We hate those hacks
Governing now. They love to tax.
We’re mad as hell and we’ll never relax
’Til government gets off our backs.
We’re sick of supporting those slackers
Who think everything’s free.
Though we have billionaire backers,
We talk just as populist as can be.
Tea Party! Tea Party! We would dispel
Notions that we’re too bourgeois to rebel.
We’ll start electing some new personnel,
’Cause, trust us: we’re all mad as hell.
In midterms what these rebels meant to do
Was bid their party’s moderates adieu.
Their candidates in that election season
Were those who think that compromise is treason.
Sure, some of them ran weird campaigns wherein
They showed themselves just too bizarre to win.
Late Night Comics Bid Farewell to Christine O’Donnell, Tea Party Senatorial Candidate from Delaware
You surely were a hoot, Christine.
We’re sad to see you leave the scene.
We reveled in the revelation
That you’d condemned all masturbation.
(Not only us but even anchors
Enjoyed the way you fought those wankers.)
Until you came along one day,
Old witchcraft jokes had been passé.
Because of you, just for a while,
Those witchcraft jokes were back in style.
So though, Christine, we now say ciao,
We hope you’re back two years from now.
But many got elected, and were sent
To Washington, the place they most resent.
The House, now with a GOP majority,
Could face Barack Obama with authority.
The legislative battle recommenced:
Whatever he was for they were against.
Their heritage from Reagan now would show:
Not Ronald—Nancy, preaching “Just say no.”
On Revelations of Where the Secret Funding for the Tea Party Comes From
They’re meant to be a grassroots gang
Of populists who quickly sprang
From nowhere ’cause they’ve had enough
Of liberal bureaucratic guff.
Less government is what they’re for—
The very goal pushed heretofore
By every oil man who’s a foe
Of regs that slow up making dough.
And guess who’s funding them? No joke:
Two wealthy oilmen name of Koch,
With faux foundations in cahoots,
Provide the funds. Some grass! Some roots!
The weak economy proved hard to heal.
At times, the president seemed too genteel—
Unwilling still to knock some heads the way
Some heads were knocked around by LBJ.
His speeches far surpassed the other guys’.
His gamble caused Bin Laden’s quick demise.
But still the polls showed many folks believed
His promises, so far, were unachieved.
The punditry, its ’08 views forgotten,
Now said his reelection odds were rotten.
3.
Mentionables
Since order is for them a big concern,
Republicans will often go in turn.
Whatever fight is fought, they still incline
To nominate the guy who’s next in line—
Like Dole, for instance, or like John McCain,
Some stalwart who had run before in vain.
It’s moving up in turn that usually does it.
In this round, though, whose turn, exactly, was it?
Was it, perchance, between those who’d begun
The nomination race McCain had won?
Of Huckabee and Romney from that tussle,
The former could command some right-wing muscle.
But would he run? He’d hinted that he might,
Then said he had no stomach for the fight.
(Although the actual stomach he’d once shed
Was starting once again to get widespread.)
With books and speeches, plus his Fox News show,
Mike seemed inclined to make some serious dough.
Of hopefuls with viewpoints that fit,
Now Murdoch employs all but Mitt.
And Tea Party folks can’t go broke,
Since things do go better with Koch.
Yes, that’s the crusade that competes
To rid simple folks of elites.
Another candidate one might define
As qualifying as the next in line
Was Sarah Palin—yes, an ’08 vet
Who hinted she might throw her hat in yet,
Although her ’08 run for veep had flopped.
(A long Hail Mary pass that Palin dropped.)
Some elements within the party brass
Were hoping she’d decide to take a pass.
One hint she might: both Palin and her kin
Seemed concentrating hard on cashing in
Through any TV show that they could wangle—
Kardashians, but with a North Woods angle.
So even when her act went on the road,
She wasn’t clearly back in campaign mode.
The Pundits Analyze Sarah Palin’s Bus Tour
Now Palin’s seen out on the stump.
But is she just a female Trump—
A person eager for each mention
For purposes of brand extension?
So—disappointing fans, who’d been devout—
She seemed inclined to sit this campaign out.
So whose turn now? Though Romney was on deck,
Conservatives thought they had better check
Around for someone less like Mister Cleaver
And more like them—that is, a true believer.
Barack Obama’s numbers still were low,
Which meant that lots of folks might have a go
At capturing the chance to lead a fight
That seemed to have sweet victory in sight.
Pawlenty brought advisers to his state.
In Mississippi, Barbour lost some weight.
(Still, relative to others on the list, he
Remained quite fat, though not as fat as Christie.)
And Bachmann, still the faithfuls’ faithful fighter,
Emerged as Palin lite—or even liter.
And so the mentioners all mentioned thos
e
Whom President Obama might oppose.
But two of those who often got a mention
Said running this time wasn’t their intention.
Yes, Haley Barbour, and Mitch Daniels, too,
Announced before they started they were through.
Mitch Daniels Announces That He Will Not Run for President
We bid Mitch Daniels fond adieu
And say, “Mitch, we admire you
For saying that what you love best
Is family, and not this quest.”
Most candidates, without a doubt,
Seem best to us when they drop out.
Though thoughts of Bushes didn’t bring a glow,
Jeb Bush was asked, and he said, “Thank you, no.”
So, next in line? Well, only Romney, who
Was unloved by the right-wing tried and true.
This caused the pundits to restate this view:
Without a queue, a scramble might ensue.
4.
Trump Trumped
One Donald Trump seeks sustenance in fame—
Much like a bloated moth that’s drawn to flame.
Election season! Up pops Donald Trump.
Gas-filled as if by some gigantic pump,
He reappears—a loud performance artist
At boasting he’s the richest and the smartest.
So rich and smart, quadrennially he’ll drone,
That he deserves the White House—or a throne.
Then, once he’s had his say … and say … and say,
He, blessedly, will finally go away.
But this time on the tube he seemed to bray
That he had chips and he had come to play.
To hear him say he’d wade into the fray
Made all the party leaders say “Oy vey,”
Because at one point, several polls agreed,
Among Republicans he held the lead.
The ace Trump said had made his winning hand?
Obama’s birth was in some other land,
And so he was illegal in his slot,
Since natural born he certainly was not.
The Donald said he knew from private eyes
That Democrats were in for a surprise.