it worry you, son. Maybe it'll just go away after awhile.
FESTER
Golly, ya think so?
L.R.
Why, sure. I remember one time I had this unsightly sore on my lip. (shows Tonto lip) You remember Tonto.
TONTO
(Disgusted) Not now, Kemo Sabe, not now.
L.R.
But anyway, I paid it no mind and pretty soon it just went away.
FESTER
Gee. I hope my leg don't go away. (others laugh)
L.R.
(leading Fester away from others, single follow spot on L.R.)
Ya know, Fester, there's something I've been meaning to tell you. Something that might help you understand why the birds and bees fly around so much in springtime. Something that may help you understand how you got here.
FESTER
Is this gonna be another song?
L.R.
(big smile cause he gets to strut again)
(Song: I'm Your Dad)
(spoken words, music background)
I was just a kid out on my own,
oh 'bout 10 years ago.
When I came across this little town,
whose name I did not know.
I met a girl that very day,
and she asked me up to her room.
And at the age of sweet 16,
the old Ranger's life began to bloom.
Well, we spent all day and half the night
just rollin' in the hay.
And in the morning we went out to eat,
I ain't proud - she offered to pay.
I stuck around that little town
Even got a job attending bar
And made good money, I gotta admit,
From tips put in my jar.
Well, weeks went by and we met again,
That gal that I called Lil.
Now understand this was years ago,
Long before we had The Pill.
She asked me to marry her and I said "sure",
Although I lied.
And then she said "just one more thing"
"Ya know the rabbit died. "
It hit me hard, but to hide my shame,
I knew it would be my task.
To slip out of town that very night,
Incognito...behind a mask.
You see, Fester, I never meet that baby boy,
that came from that romance.
But, I've always said I'd make it up to him,
if I ever got the chance.
I ain't real proud of what I've done
and you probably think I'm bad
But the time has come and I must confess,
(stop music) Fester...I'm your dad!
FESTER
Father!!! (Fester drops his crutches and runs over to hug Lone Ranger)
(the actors freeze in position for disclaimer)
(Disclaimer—on tape)
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please. I have been asked to read the following message: "Although sometimes in the world of theatrics, Life must be presented in its most raw form, we do not, at any time, wish to diminish the importance of the Basic Family Unit, nor do we condone, at any time, the practice of Unsafe Sex. Thank you."
TONTO
(to audience, out of character)
And, for your added convenience and protection, we have now installed several dispensing machines in the men's bathroom.
(and now back to the play)
MAYOR
Look! Look everyone! Fester can walk! It's a miracle! He can walk! (crosses himself)
(enter Carrie)
CARRIE
Well, let me tell you, it ain't all that great being back here in this little chicken.... Hey, Fester, you can walk! All right kid, good goin'.
MAYOR
So where have you been, Miss Nation? Out spending Fester's money?
CARRIE
No. Not any more. 'Cause we've already spent it all.
MAYOR
What?!
CARRIE
That's right. On a present for Fester. You see, while we were in Dallas, we met these Cowboys and we just couldn't resist buying Fester a...Football Team! Come on, girls, hit it!
(Sioux, Maggie and Garmaine enter wearing Dallas Cowgirl cheerleading outfits. general pandemonium as stage is flooded with Football Players) (or not)
THE GIRLS
("Hey Look Me Over" cheer)
L.R.
Well, Fester, it's about time Tonto and I rode on. You see, there are hundreds of small towns throughout the West...small towns with little boys just like you. And when I've explained to all of them why I wear this mask, well then...well...then I'll come back to Dirtwater. But until then... Tonto, WE GOT TO RIDE!
ALL CAST
(Song: We Got to Ride)
(Melody: I Saw the Light)
We got to ride, we got to ride
No more injustice, Tonto by my side
We fight for freedom, we fight with pride
Hi-Ho Silver!...We got to Ride!
(repeat several times)
(While singing, the Masked Man leads the entire cast around stage and into audience...then exit)
END
(...and somewhere in the distant night, a lonely dog barks.)
Contact the author:
Bruce Guelden
430 Main St.
Winters, California
(530) 795-4919
winters@pacbell.net
There are no royalties for a non-profit theater to produce this play.
Contact the author for written permission and music CD before production.