Dirtwater.")
Act I Scene IV
(Scene: Main Street, Dirtwater, Texas. Street people are walking around. Sudden noise of breaking glass, etc. Men scatter out of the bar...Carrie and gals follow singing "Whiskey Drinker". Enter Lone Ranger and Tonto.)
L.R.
Look Tonto. Some citizens exercising their 1st Amendment Right to free speech and lawful assembly.
TONTO
Me see Kemo Sabe. Maybe one of them know Mayor.
L.R.
Excuse me, Ma'am, could you...
CARRIE
Ma'am? I ain't no Ma'am. Carrie Nation's the name. Maybe ya heard of me?
SIOUX
Hey, what are you strangers doing here?
MAGGIE
Yeah and how come you're wearing that mask?
L.R.
(addresses audience to make his point, hands on hips, single spot) Although I wear this mask, I always ride on...
CARRIE
(interrupting) Cool it, big guy, ain't no business of ours. Besides, if a fella wants to wear a mask, I say that's his business. (privately) Tell me stranger, ya plannin' to rob the bank?
L.R.
Not hardly. My business is with the Mayor.
GIRLS
The Mayor!!!?
CARRIE
Maggie, maybe you better round up the undertaker. The Mayor ya say, huh? I wouldn't mind gettin' that old coot outta' my hair. C'mon stranger, I'll take ya right to him. I think he's down at the barbershop getting his ears lowered.
L.R.
Tonto, you stay here and watch our bedrolls. I figure there's no sense complicating this interview with another body along. I'll just slip your name in first chance I get.
TONTO
Right, Kemo Sabe. (Tonto occupied with bedrolls)
(all exit except Sioux and Tonto)
SIOUX
You fellas just come into town? (Sioux preens)
TONTO
Yes, we spend 4 days...(Tonto finally turns to look at Sioux) Wow! (long awkward pause containing quick glances at Sioux) ...(finally) Why you no go with others? (hopefully) Maybe,... maybe you like Tonto?
SIOUX
Who you? Yeah sure, you're O.K. Actually I was sorta wonderin' about some of the things you and that masked man do. (saunters over to Tonto) Have you ever been involved in...say a...a train robbery?
TONTO
In Kansas. Big train robbery. 50 dollars!
SIOUX
$50? That doesn't seem like all that much money.
TONTO
Maybe closer to 50,000? (he's fishing)
SIOUX
(she bites) 50,000! Wow! That is a lot of money! And it was just you and the masked man?
TONTO
(bragging) Mostly Tonto, but Kemo Sabe help some. Tonto brave warrior. Someday Tonto be "Big Chief Tonto!" (over excited)
SIOUX
Yeah, sure. Say...where is all that money now?
TONTO
Oh, money in safe place.
SIOUX
Well, that's good. (Pause) So tell me, you fellas gonna be in town long?
Maybe yes, maybe no. All depend on business with Mayor.
SIOUX
Yeah, I catch your drift. (elbows in ribs) Say, Tonto, I think I could fall for a big, strong buck like you. You got any other fillies on the line?
TONTO
Hmmmmm...just Scout.
SIOUX
Scout? I suppose she's got a great body huh?
TONTO
Good body, strong shoulders...big chest...she go many day without water.
SIOUX
And I suppose she never gets outta line?
TONTO
She always obey Tonto. Tonto never need whip.
SIOUX
Well, I should hope not! (to audience) That's even a little too weird for me.
TONTO
I doubt it. (enter Carrie, followers and the Lone Ranger)
CARRIE
C'mon Sioux, these guys ain't what they seem at all. The Mayor just made that raccoon over there sheriff!
SIOUX
Sheriff?
GARMAINE
Yeah, and this Injun's gonna be his deputy.
SIOUX
Deputy!? What do you want to go and do that for? What about that 50,000? I thought you said it was in a safe place?
TONTO
Money in safe place. Give back to bank.
SIOUX
Back to the bank?! Well, if you aren't the dumbest Injun I ever met.
CARRIE
C'mon girls, let's go. We got more important things to do than jaw with these polecats.
(exit Carrie and followers)
L.R.
(proudly) Well Tonto, I interviewed well and the job is ours. I'm the new sheriff and you get to be my deputy. Tonto? Why the long face? We've got the job.
TONTO
Kemo Sabe...you can take this job and shove it.
L.R.
Tonto!
TONTO
Me sorry Kemo Sabe. "I so lonesome I could cry".
L.R.
Tonto, "let me put you wise..."
TONTO
"Sioux goes out with other guys?"
L.R.
You got it, Mister T.
(Song: Poor Old Tonto) (Melody: Kaw-Liga)
"Poor Old Tonto"
(TONTO)
Tonto was a lonely Indian,
Till he met the Masked Man
They traveled far and wide together
catching outlaw band
Tonto - with Kemo Sabe he will always go
But, it kinda makes his love life awful slow
He always wears his headband
and carries his tomahawk
He looks his very finest
but he aint sure how to talk
Tonto - with Kemo Sabe he will always go
But it kinda makes his love life awful slow
(Gals enter, sing) Poor old Tonto - He'll never get a squaw
Poor old Tonto - He'll never be a pa,
Is it any wonder he'd rather chase outlaw
He shy with girls and that's his basic flaw.
Poor old Tonto - he'll never stand a chance
Poor old Tonto - he don't know how to dance
Women don't come near him to give a second glance
So he never chalks up notches on his lance
One day he met an Indian maid
but she just turned away
When she learned his job was fighting' crime
and he never took no pay.
Tonto - with Kemo Sabe he will always go
But it kinda makes his love life sorta slow
Poor old Tonto - he'll never get a squaw
Poor old Tonto - he'll never be a pa
Is it any wonder his palms are always raw
He shy with girls and that's his basic flaw.
(exit women)
(enter Mayor)
MAYOR
Oh there you are masked man. Say, I got some papers here for you to read over...Oh, you must be the Injun. (holds up hand) How!
TONTO
Some.
MAYOR
(confused) Some?
TONTO
Tonto know how; Tonto need some.
MAYOR
(to Lone Ranger.) I got this here town penal code. Figured you might want to study up. Also got the keys to the jail, 'case you wantta...
L.R.
Not needed Mayor. You see, (pontificating, steps forward, single spot) although I wear this mask, I always ride on the right side of truth and justice. And what is truth? What is justice? Are they merely simple buzzwords to satisfy a 30 second sound byte? I think not! They are rather the ideals of a society—a society that places honor above greed, kindness above profit, and bravery above apathy. Yes, Mr. Mayor, there will always be truth, and, just as certainly, now that I am sheriff, there will also be justice.
MAYOR
(to Tonto) Does he always talk like
that?
TONTO
Sometimes Kemo Sabe he very retentive guy.
(Fester limps in)
FESTER
Joe! Mayor! Mayor Joe! I've been lookin' all over for ya. There's this weird fella just come into town and... hey, who are these guys anyway?
MAYOR
This is our new sheriff and his deputy.
FESTER
But that mask?
L.R.
(hands on hips, steps forward, etc) Although I wear this mask....
MAYOR
(cuts him off) Give it a rest, would ya? (To Fester) What's this about a new fella come into town?
FESTER
He said he's lookin' for ya. Said he'd give me a quarter if I found ya.
MAYOR
Probably just wants me to show him the sights of our fine town. (hooks thumbs in suspenders)
FESTER
No...I don't think so. He says he's from the F.I.B. or something.
L.R.
Tell me son, could that have been the F.B.I.?
FESTER
Yeah, that's it. Says you and him got somethin' to talk over.
MAYOR
(anxious) Well will ya look at that. (checks watch) It's three-thirty already. I better get up to my office and uh...clean up some paper work.
FESTER
But he'll be here any minute!
MAYOR
(quickly) Gotta keep movin'. Can't let the citizens of Dirtwater see me slackin' off. Election year, ya know. Masked man, why don't you and your Injun friend get set up in your new office. Just let me know if there's anything you need. I left some donuts on the desk. (Mayor ushers Lone Ranger and Tonto into sheriff's office) Gotta run Fester. See you later. (starts to exit)
(enter Hoover)
HOOVER
Hold it right there, Carboni. Good work kid. Here ya go. (flips Fester a nickel)
FESTER
(picks up coin from ground) A nickel?
HOOVER
My name's Hoover, F.B.I.
MAYOR
Glad to meet ya, Hooper, but I'm running a little late and...(trying to make exit)
HOOVER
That's Hoover. Yes...yes, indeed...interesting little town ya got here.
FESTER
Hey, you promised me a quarter.
HOOVER
But what I find most interesting is the fact that the only hitching post in the entire town is the one you're leaning on.
MAYOR
Hitching post? (guilty, playing dumb)
FESTER
Hey, where's my quarter?
HOOVER
(hint of W C Fields) Go away, kid, ya bother me. That's right Carboni, hitching post. You know what they are, or should I jog your memory a bit. (pulls out papers) Maybe you'll recognize some of these grants you've been sending off to the Federal Government. Grants to put up hitching posts in this town.
MAYOR
Well, you see...I...uh...
HOOVER
Yet with all that grant money, I see only one, one hitching post in this entire town.
FESTER
What's he talking about Joe?
HOOVER
I've traveled a long way to get you, Carboni, and now I'm arresting you for