* * *
I wake up early. I don’t want to miss that courier. A bowl of steel-cut oats later, I hear a knock where the door used to be. It’s the courier.
Actually, it’s that punk kid again. He’s got a square cardboard box in his hands.
“Still paying off your debt to the country?” I say.
“I guess. The cops told me to give this to you,” he says.
I exchange a fiver for the box. “With what I got comin’, I can afford to tip you. Go buy a book of crosswords and stay out of trouble,” I say.
The kid takes the money and runs. I bring the box back into the ‘bago. It’s heavy. Maybe they paid in cash?
I open the box and stop. You’ve got to be shitting me. I read the note twice just to make sure it’s true. It reads:
Dear Mr. Soloman,
The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives regrets the unfortunate intelligence error that resulted in damage to your RV. Enclosed with this note is your compensation, purchased and valued by the Bureau at $500,000. It will repair the torn plastic windows in the cab and then some. You have now waived your right to sue the Bureau related to this incident.
I reach into the box and pull out…
A giant roll of silver duct tape.
The End
Get snappy bits of wisdom from the Ol’ Badger himself on his Facebook and Twitter pages. Here are some gems from the wire:
“Nevaeh isn’t Heaven spelled backward. It’s stripper spelled forward.”
“Just realized the TV I’ve been watching for the last six months is actually a window.”
“Fellas, if there’s anything I’ve learned about dames, don’t tell them you’re good at bowling.”
“There was a time when people cared about my two cents, but inflation took care of that.”
“Fact: The more someone says there’s a reason they’re on this planet, the less there actually is.”
“You might not like the NSA and how it listens into your pointless jaw-flapping on the phone. But if you can’t trust the agency that put a man on the moon, who can you?”
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More Maynard Soloman Short Stories – Available at All Fine E-Book Retailers
Maynard Soloman Solves the War on Drugs
Maynard Soloman Fixes Social Security and Eats a Pony
Maynard Soloman Proves Santa Claus is Real
Maynard Soloman Legalizes Gay Knot Tying
Maynard Soloman Takes the Bus to a Strip Club
Maynard Soloman & the Bull$hit Cancer Awareness Campaign
Maynard Soloman vs. The Kidney Thieves
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Also Check Out the (not so funny) Crime Novel from the Author
Cleansing Eden: Kill All Celebrities
“Cleansing Eden is a highly suspenseful read. Benjamin Sobieck has an inventive way with words. He writes with a voice that’s strong and uniquely his.” - Debbi Mack, New York Times bestselling author of the Sam McRae series
It’s time for brain-dead celebrities to get what they deserve.
After recruiting a drug-addled street rat to do his bidding, an eccentric inventor of designer drugs launches a campaign of violence and manipulation to cleanse the world of impure celebrities.
But as the street rat wakes up to what's really going on, he’s not liking what he sees. He's torn between getting sober and the drug-fueled haze that keeps him killing celebrities.
As the body count rises, a decision needs to be made. Either way, someone’s going to die.
About the Author
Benjamin Sobieck is the author of the crime thriller novel, Cleansing Eden: Kill All Celebrities, the Maynard Soloman crime humor series and numerous flash fiction pieces.
His non-fiction work as an online editor for F&W Media, Inc. reaches a print, TV and digital audience of millions. Writer’s Digest will publish his book on writing about firearms and knives in crime fiction in 2014.
Ben’s website is CrimeFictionBook.com. Meet him on Facebook, Twitter, Goodreads, CrimeSpace and Google Plus.