ENDLESS WISDOM
Some thoughts that we hope will stay with you long after you’ve flushed.
“There is no way to look at the past. Don’t hide from it. It will not catch you if you don’t repeat it.”
—Pearl Bailey
“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.”
—Mark Twain
“A certain amount of opposition is a great help. Kites rise against, not with, the wind.”
—John Neal
“It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.”
—Shirley MacLaine
“We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the same.”
—Carlos Castaneda
“If fear alters your behavior, you’re already defeated.”
—Brenda Hammond
“No man was ever wise by chance.”
—Seneca
“There’s no such thing as simple. Simple is hard.”
—Martin Scorsese
“Opportunities are like buses: There’s always another one coming.”
—Richard Branson
“A few observations and much reasoning lead to error; many observations and a little reasoning to truth.”
—Alexis Carrel
“The obscure we see eventually. The completely obvious, it seems, takes longer.”
—Edward R. Murrow
“Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands—and then eat just one of the pieces.”
—Judith Viorst
“In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.”
—Walter Cronkite
“All experience is great provided you live through it. If it kills you, you’ve gone too far.”
—Alice Neel
ANSWER PAGES
NAME GAME
(Answers for page 177)
1. Salinger
2. Pei
3. Tolkien
4. Lewis
5. Barnum
6. Eliot
7. lang
8. Auden
9. Escher
10. Lovecraft
11. Skinner
12. Foyt
13. Marshall
15. Wells
16. Morgan
17. Sabathia
18. Knight
19. Hughley
20. Reynolds
21. cummings
22. Ewing
23. Griffith
24. Milne
25. Richardson
26. Mencken
27. O’Rourke
28. Barrie
29. Hooker
EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN
(Answers for page 381)
1. Florida and Rhode Island. (If you thought of Wyoming as well, that’s incorrect, because “y” is acting as a vowel.)
2. bustle, subtle, sublet, bluest
3. Tuesday
4. The Seven Dwarfs (Grumpy, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Doc, and Happy)
5. Donny Osmond, because unlike Marie, his name has a set of double letters, which you’ll find in all of the words he likes.
6. 11 + 11/11
7. Each can be preceded by “HIGH” to form a common word or phrase.
8. The closest the pilot can be is 100 miles. However, if he flew over the North Pole, then he’d instantly be traveling south, so the farthest distance is 300 miles.
9. successfully, unsuccessfully
10. They’re all movie lines:“Show me the money.” (Jerry Maguire)
“Hasta la vista, baby.” (Terminator 2)
“May the Force be with you.” (Star Wars)
“We’re not in Kansas anymore.” (The Wizard of Oz)
“Don’t call me Shirley.” (Airplane!)
11. If you’re adding the numbers on a clock—starting at 4:00, if you add 9 hours, it will be 1:00.
12. You have one $50 bill, one $5 bill, and four $2 bills.
13. An equal.
“ALWAYS”…OR “NEVER”?
(Answers for page 272)
1. Always
2. Never
3. Always
4. Always
5. Never
6. Always
7. Always
8. Always
9. Never
11. Never
12. Never
13. Always
14. Never
15. Never, Always
VERY QUIZ-LIKE
(Answers for page 317)
1. c
2. t
3. p
4. m
5. g
6. e
7. a
8. v
9. n
10. j
11. h
12. f
13. s
14. x
15. o
16. r
17. k
18. l
19. b
20. u
21. d
22. i
23. y
24. q
25. w
PORTMANTEAU MOVIE QUIZ
(Answers for page 439)
1. WALL-E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial = WALL-E (2008) + E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
2. No Country for Old Men in Black = No Country for Old Men (2007) + Men in Black (1997)
3. His Girl Friday the 13th = His Girl Friday (1940) + Friday the 13th (1980)
4. A Cry in the Dark Knight = A Cry in the Dark (1988) + The Dark Knight (2008)
5. Lilies of the Field of Dreams = Lilies of the Field (1963) + Field of Dreams (1989)
6. The Lion King Ralph = The Lion King (1994) + King Ralph (1991)
7. Shakespeare in Love Story = Shakespeare in Love (1998) + Love Story (1970)
8. My Fair Lady and the Tramp = My Fair Lady (1964) + Lady and the Tramp (1955)
9. The Gold Rush Hour = The Gold Rush (1925) + Rush Hour (1998)
10. The Lost Weekend at Bernie’s = The Lost Weekend (1945) + Weekend at Bernie’s (1989)
11. Singin’ in the Rain Man = Singin’ in the Rain (1952) + Rain Man (1988)
LAST WORD
Circus promoter and public-relations genius P. T. Barnum opened a museum in Manhattan in 1841. It cost 25 cents to get in and featured thousands of exhibits, including General Tom Thumb, an erudite 25-inch-tall man; and the Fiji Mermaid, the mummified body of an unknown creature that sort of (but not really) looked like a mermaid. The museum was immensely popular, and people would stay in it for hours—much to the chagrin of Barnum, who wanted traffic to move as briskly as possible. To speed things up he had signs installed in the museum reading, “This way to the Egress.” They led curious visitors down a series of hallways…and finally to a remote exit, from which they were not allowed to return unless they went back to the main entrance and paid another quarter. Barnum correctly assumed that most of his customers wouldn’t know that “egress” is just a fancy word for “exit.”
UNCLE JOHN’S BATHROOM READER CLASSIC SERIES
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(888) 488-4642
THE LAST PAGE
FELLOW BATHROOM READERS:
The fight for good bathroom reading should never be taken loosely��we must do our duty and sit firmly for what we believe in, even while the rest of the world is taking potshots at us.
We’ll be brief. Now that we’ve proven we’re not simply a flushin-the-pan, we invite you to take the plunge: Sit Down and Be Counted! Become a member of the Bathroom Readers’ Institute. Log on to www.bathroomreader.com, or send a self-addressed, stamped,
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Go with the Flow…
Well, we’re out of space, and when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. Tanks for all your support. Hope to hear from you soon. Meanwhile, remember…
Keep on flushin’!
UNCLE JOHN’S ENDLESSLY ENGROSSING BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2009 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press
(a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be used or reproduced
in any manner whatsoever without written permission,
except in the case of brief quotations embodied
in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’
Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor.
All rights reserved.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117
Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
888-488-4642
eISBN : 978-1-607-10459-9
E-book edition: July 2011