Uncle John’s
BATHROOM
READER®
BATHROOM READERS’ PRESS
ASHLAND, OREGON
“No amount of skillful invention can replace the essential element of imagination.”
—Edward Hopper
“ShamWow holds 20 times its weight in liquid!”
—Vince, the ShamWow guy
UNCLE JOHN’S BATHROOM READER®
WEIRD INVENTIONS
Copyright © 2013 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press).
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
For information, write: The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover and interior design by Andy Taray / Ohioboy.com
eISBN: 978-1-60710-794-1
E-Book edition April 2013
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
Brian Boone
Andy Taray
Christy Taray
Trina Janssen
Claudia Bauer
Dan Mansfield
Jill Bellrose
Megan Todd
Brandon Hartley
Will Harris
Jack Feerick
Chris Holmes
Erica Richman
Jeff Giles
Jon Cummings
Dave Lifton
Donny Rodriguez
Anna Zajac
Adam Bolivar
Eleanor Pierce
Eric Dodson
David Hoye
Blake Mitchum
Jennifer Frederick
Sydney Stanley
Lilian Nordland
Aaron Guzman
CONTENTS
BREATH-TO-ENERGY CONVERSION MASK
INSTANT DRUNKENNESS-REVERSING PILLS
INSOMNIA HELMET
ARTIFICIAL CHEWING HEAD
ARTIFICIAL LEAVES
FLOATING SHADE
THE ELECTRIC HICCUP CURE
3-D PRINTABLE HAMBURGERS
TOILET SNORKEL
BREATH DETECTOR
ANTI-STICK SPRAY
CAR KITCHENETTE
AUTOMATIC HAT TIPPER
THE BOYFRIEND BODY PILLOW
ARAB AUTOMATA
THE HOLODECK
ANTI-CARJACKING FLAMETHROWER
PROGRAMMABLE TATTOOS
GERBIL SHIRT
THE FLEXI-PHONE
THE FAKE TV BURGLAR DETERRENT
DIMPLE DRILL
BRAINPUT
AUTOMOBILE URINAL
A BETTER SKIPPING STONE
4 WAYS TO STOP OVEREATING
SILENT-MOVIE SPEECH BALLOONS
THOUGHT SCREEN HELMET
HYPER-REALISTIC FACE MASKS
CASKET-VISION
BUTTER STICK TYPE
FART-ABSORBING UNDERWEAR
BANANA SUITCASE
BEER CAN ROBOT
BIONIC EXERSUIT
PHONE GAS
THE LAVAKAN
THE FAKE FARMER
BODY HAIR THINNER
BEACH BOOTS
INHALED CAFFEINE
EDIBLE FECES MEAT
SCARY CHILDBIRTH APPARATUS
ROCKING-KNIT CHAIRS
INFLATABLE BREAST IMPLANTS
WEIRD VIDEO GAME ACCESSORIES
THE BOXING BUBBLE HEAD
IMPLANTABLE CELL PHONE
ICE-CUBE PIGEON REPELLER
STUFF THAT CLEANS ITSELF
DIGITAL EAR CLEANER
THE ELECTRIC DOORMAT
PERSONALIZED ACTION FIGURE MACHINE
SOLAR-POWERED BIKINI
THE DISAPPEARING DRESS
HANDS-FREE SANDWICH HOLDER
EXTREMELY USEFUL KITCHEN GADGETS
DOG DNA TEST KIT
EARTHQUAKE HOUSE
CHEESE-FILTERED CIGARETTE
THE BABY MOP
HELMET BAR
THE LEVITATING TABLE
THE PERIODIC TABLE TABLE
WHERE’S MY HOVERBOARD?
DOG TRANSLATOR
EARLY GPS
AN EARLY ELECTRIC RAZOR
THE THUMB-SUCKING STOPPER
PORTABLE LADY URINAL
THE WRIST GUN
HYPOALLERGENIC CATS
THE ELECTRIC PICNIC
GOLF GADGETS
PILLS THAT MAKE YOUR POOP GOLD
MICK FLEETWOOD’S DRUM SUIT
DAN HARTMAN’S GUITAR SUIT
THE IGROW HAIR HELMET
SAFER RUSSIAN ROULETTE
INVISIBILITY CLOAK
KEG HEAD
CAT EARS FOR HUMANS
TEETH EXERCISER
SPRAY ON WI-FI
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE GLASSES
THE WORLD’S WEIRDEST VENDING MACHINES
SPRAY-ON CONDOMS
THE KISSING SHIELD
TOAST WITH THE MOST
THONG DIAPER
FACE-TO-FAKE TANDEM BIKE
SQUATTY POTTY
THE WORLD’S LIGHTEST SYNTHETIC MATERIAL
GENETICALLY-MODIFIED SILK
THE LEVITATIONARIUM!
SILENT PARTIES
SELF-DRIVING CARS
THE MEDITATION BAG
HIGH-FIVE SIMULATOR
SHIRTS THAT ROCK
NO MORE MISSING SOCKS!
SQUARE WATERMELONS
SMOKER’S HAT
THE MAN BRA
OLESTRA
POTTY TRAINING FOR CATS
CAT WIGS
X-RAY SHOE FITTER
SPIRAL SHOES
HEAD-SHAPED PUMPKIN MOLD
WATERLESS DISHWASHER
THE SELF-CLEANING HOUSE
VIDEO GAMES, WITH SMELLS
CRIMINAL TRUTH EXTRACTOR
FLESH BRUSHING APPARATUS
STAMP MOISTENER
THE VAPORTINI
TV HAT
SMITTENS
POLAR BEAR HATES SNORING
WILD WEST MOUSE TRAP
FUTURISTIC JAPANESE TOILETS
PERSONAL FIRE ESCAPE
LICENSE PLATE FLIPPER
SAUNA PANTS
THE ICE CREAM CONE ZONE
FINGER MUSTACHE TATTOOS
SWISS ARMY RING
THE CIGARETTE RING
MANNEQUIN GUITAR
A WORKING MODEL OF THE EARTH
WAR KITE
NEW WOOD
THE PSYCHIC PLANT
THE EYEBORG
INVISIBLE BIKE HELMETS
GREENHOUSE HELMET
REMOTE-CONTROLLED HORSE
INFINITE SOAP
HUMAN SAIL
SADISTIC BABY GADGETS
LINCOLN TUNNEL CATWALK CARS
ONE INTENSIVE COMB-OVER
NEW FRONTIERS IN CAFFEINE DISPERSAL
DUMB USB GADGETS
CORDLESS JUMP ROPE
WINE-BOT
COLLAPSIBLE RIDING COMPANION
BUBBLE HAT
SPINNING WALL
CHOW, BELLA
CONTROL-ALT-DELETE HANDLE
EXHAUST-POWERED CAR JACK
INDOOR PET POTTY
THE I-ON-A-CO CURE-ALL BELT
A SAFER COCKFIGHT
THE PLASTIC WISHBONE
ACT NOW! SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED!
ANTI-GRAVITY FLYING SAUCER
FANCY MAN MUSTACHE ACCESSORIES
RELAXATION CAPSULE
DISSOLVABLE MOUTH BURN STRIPS
THE BIG HAIR HAT
SOUND PERFUME GLASSES
STYLUS ICONS
TAPEWORM TRAP
TALKING BASEBALL CARDS
VACUUM TRAIN
TOPLESS SANDALS
PIGEON-GUIDED MISSILES
IN-CAR RECORD PLAYER
ALUMINUM FACIAL SPA
THUNDERSHIRT
EXTREMELY INSTANT NOODLES
MIRACLE WEIGHT-LOSS PRODUCTS
SPRAY-ON SKIN
THE THEREMIN
MORE KITCHEN GADGETS
THE 10-IN-1 GARDEN TOOL
BAGELHEADS
GOOGLE GLASSES
THE SOVIET CALENDAR
THE TRANQUILITY CALENDAR
THINGS INVENTED BY THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN’S ISLAND
ICE-BASED AIRCRAFT CARRIER
HAMSTER SHREDDER
SHOTGUN WITH SHOT GLASS
PEDAL-LESS RUNNING BIKE
CUDDLEBOTS
SECURITY GERBIL
THE INTERROBANG
THE NUTRITION PATCH
SPEAKER VEST
GREEK FIRE
CHARLIE SHEEN’S CHAPSTICK DISPENSER
ANTI-GRAVITY BOOTS
THE FIRST FLYING CAR
STUD SPECTACLES
NEUTICLES
BED STRAIGHTENER
SPRAY-TAN TENT
WIND-POWERED MOLE CHASER
SKITTLES SORTING MACHINE
THE NEARLY IMMORTAL SANDWICH
TURTLE SUBMARINE
THE WORLD’S TINIEST CAR
HORSE CAR
PEEPING THOMAS
TWO HOMEMADE INSTRUMENTS
THE ONLINE CHICKEN PETTER
AMAZING TOILETS
GIVE IT A FRY
WINGSUIT
HEELS ON WHEELS
BEERBRELLA
CLOCKY
LADY GUNS
INSTANT TV COLOR SCREEN
BATTER BITER
DOG WATCH
DEODORANT CANDY
BETTER LIVING THROUGH LAWN MOWING
ROBO SKATER
RON POPEIL’S GREATEST HITS
AUGMENTED REALITY
MORE DUMB USB GADGETS
THE DOUBLE CIGARETTE HOLDER
ROOFIN’ UP VERMONT
LINT LIZARD
FAKE EGG YOLK SLICER
PSYCHOTRONIC WISHING MACHINE
WEIRD SCIENCE!
They say that everything that could possibly be invented has already been invented. After all, we’ve got flat-screen TVs that hang on the wall, cars that run on electricity, phones that hold our entire music collections, and, most impressively, Hot Pockets. But it’s not true—there’s always more labor to be saved or human problems to solve which will inspire some enterprising amateur Edison out there to slave over a pile of wires and molded plastic in the basement to make a gadget that forever changes the way we live.
And then there’s this stuff. Welcome to Uncle John’s Weird Inventions. The honest-to-goodness real, and really weird, gizmos in this book are all things you never knew needed to exist…because they probably don’t.
In Weird Inventions, you’ll read about:
• Machines to wash your dog, and translate its barks
• Spray-on WiFi and skin-in-a-can
• The device that makes artificial egg yolks, then perfectly slices them.
And lots more goofy gadgets, silly science, and crazy contraptions. It’s patently absurd!
—Uncle John and the Bathroom Readers’ Institute
BREATH-TO-ENERGY CONVERSION MASK
Trying to live your life in an environmentally-friendly fashion? Good for you, but…well, if you really loved your planet, you’d be doing something to help it 24/7.
Sound impossible? No, just unfeasible. Still, you’ll be making major headway if you wear the Breath Charging AIRE Mask. Just slip this thing over your face, and if you can get past the fact that it makes you look like Bane from The Dark Knight Rises, you’ll be pleased to discover that the mere act of breathing in and out activates wee wind turbines within the mask. The end result: You’re creating energy that, with the appropriate attachment, can be used to charge your iPod, your iPhone…pretty much iAnything.
The AIRE mask is the brainchild of Brazilian inventor Joao Paulo Lammoglia, who trumpeted his creation in an interview with the Daily Mail, crowing, “It can be used indoors or outdoors, while you’re sleeping, walking, running, or even reading a book.” Lammoglia also added that “its energy is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week,” which—what a coincidence!—is exactly how often you should be helping out the planet anyway.
INSTANT DRUNKENNESS-REVERSING PILLS
Imagine being able to get rip-roaring drunk, raise hell for a few hours, and then pop a few pills and sober up quicker than you can say, “I’ll be glad to walk on that line, officer!” Nothing bad could possibly come of that, right?
Well we’re soon going to find out, because scientists appear to have unlocked the key to countering the intoxicating effects of alcohol: enzymes. A team of researchers led by Yunfeng Lu, a UCLA professor of chemical and biomolecular engineering, and Cheng Ji, a professor of biochemical and molecular biology at USC, has devised a way to package enzymes inside a nanoscale polymer shell. In non-egghead speak, they found a way to put chemicals inside your body that can change what your body does. Anyway, they tested these tiny capsules on drunk mice and found that the enzymes caused their blood alcohol levels to drop quickly and significantly.
Professor Lu stated that down the road he can envision an alcohol prophylactic or an antidote that could be taken orally. The impact of this is obvious: Without an alcohol buzz, we now have zero reasons to drink domestic beer.
INSOMNIA HELMET
The concept of the head massager—a series of thin, rubber-tipped metal “fingers” that bend to fit over one’s skull and massage the surrounding area in the process—has been successfully mass-produced to the tune of being available for less than a buck. Those who wish to avoid being labeled a cheapskate may wish to upgrade to a device that is far costlier and much more elaborate, if not necessarily more effective.
Patented in 1992, the so-called “Insomnia Helmet” is lined with a series of rubber “fingers” attached to a belt which, courtesy of a small electric motor, repeatedly rotate within the helmet, soothingly massaging the head of its wearer in front-to-back fashion so that they can sleep better. The inventor’s pitch for the apparatus cited the importance of head massage in civilizations both human and inhuman, referencing “the baboons who spend much time grooming one another’s heads to remove insects and dirt.”
Since he also noted how “the related act of head patting indicates approval or affection to children and adults both,” here’s hoping that someone at the U.S. Patent Office rewarded him with a few good pats for his efforts.
ARTIFICIAL CHEWING HEAD
The American junk-food consumer can always rest assured that his tasty treats have been product-tested down to the last detail in focus groups, in grocery-store trials, and, of course, in the laboratory kitchen, the birthplace of so many delicious goodies that are abominations against nature. There, our brightest culinary minds examine every factor that will determine a snack’s market potential. Flavor is key, but there’s also texture, aftertaste, dunk-ability, and the all-important “behavior in the mouth.” Is the cracker crispy enough? Precisely how much chewing is required per bite of this soft-baked cookie? Could that new chip be somehow louder?
Clearly, snack-food impresarios spare no expense to please our palates. Yet every field of endeavor eventually bumps up against budgetary limitations, and at some point, these geniuses realized that details like crunch-testing become rather expensive when performed by actual human crunchers. So some
body devised an artificial chewing head specifically for testing snack-food crispiness. It offered a high-tech replication of mastication, complete with a built-in microphone for picking up the full spectrum of crunch noises. So nosh with confidence. Because if that chip was snacktastic enough for an animatronic head, it’s snacktacular enough for you.
ARTIFICIAL LEAVES
We all know that leaves turn sunlight into energy through the process of photosynthesis, or so we’ve been told. In an effort to one-up nature, a team of scientists at MIT has invented an artificial leaf that works just like the real thing, only better. The science is fascinating; when placed in water and exposed to sunlight, the leaf splits the H2O molecule into its component parts of oxygen and hydrogen, producing clean, renewable fuel. (It also makes real leaves look like a bunch of freeloading jerks.)
It sounds, and is, weird, but theoretically, one artificial leaf placed in a bucket of water could provide enough energy to meet the daily electrical needs of an average home. The inventor, Daniel Nocera, has humanitarian goals in mind: Impoverished families in third-world countries could greatly increase their standard of living if they could essentially make free energy out of rainwater.
Unfortunately, development of the leaf is at a standstill due to the expense of the specialized silicon required to make it. There are cheaper ways to make energy, so Nocera’s project has run out of investors. And because the leaf is a wonderful concept that could reduce pollution and improve innumerable lives, the governments of the world probably aren’t going to devote precious tax dollars to help make it a reality.
FLOATING SHADE
Humanity has long struggled to invent a device that wards off the sun’s harsh glare in a way that is easily portable. Well, not really—a parasol (which means “for the sun” in French) does the trick, as does an umbrella. Or a large-brimmed hat. Or a shelter of some sort.
But if you’re the kind of person who still proudly uses a parasol when cavorting in the park or down the promenade, then you’re probably also the kind of person who is so dainty that they tire of holding an object as light as a parasol upward for more than a few minutes.
The Floating Shade (patented in 1991) solves your problem. It’s a wide, helium-filled balloon made of extra-thick, virtually unpoppable rubber that floats directly over you and your immediate personal space. It’s tethered to your body with an elaborate series of ropes that strap on under your shoulders, resembling a parachute harness. It leaves both hands free to carry objects, read a book, talk on the phone, or use a walking stick. There’s also an extra-large, “family-size” model for shading a group of people and their vicinity, so long as they walk very close together.