Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader
Bathroom Readers’ Institute
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Uncle John’s
CURIOUSLY
COMPELLING
BATHROOM
READER
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!
“Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader has added a new dimension to my bathroom visits. Thank you.”
—Mitchell A.
“I have never in my 71 years had a book that I carry with me at all times. Since I’ve had a copy of the Bathroom Reader, I don’t even watch a lot of TV!”
—Robert T.
“I would just like to thank you for making me laugh. Since discovering your great series, I find myself visiting my bathroom more often. There is need of a new invention: Armrests in the toilet!”
—Caroline Q.
“I think these books are the best in the world. I take them to school and show all my friends. Thank you for making my visits to the bathroom fun.”
—Bobby R.
“You guys are the funniest I’ve ever read!”
—Suzanne P.
“Just thought I’d let you know what a great job you’re doing. My whole family enjoys your books and our tradition has been to buy one, then two books at Christmastime for reading the next year. You’ve become so popular that we now have at least three new books in the bathroom, and it’s only June!”
—Martha O.
“I absolutely love your books. But oddly, I’ve never read them in the bathroom. As soon as I get one, I have to read it cover to cover. Keep up the good work!”
—Leanne P.
UNCLE JOHN’S
CURIOUSLY COMPELLING
BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2006 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” is a federally registered trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc. “Uncle John” is a trademark of Baker & Taylor, Inc.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
888-488-4642
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,
San Rafael, CA (Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
Special thank you to Gary Martin, M.O. (Master of Origami)
BRI “technician” on the back cover: Larry Kelp
Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader® by the Bathroom Readers’ Institute
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-607-4
E-book edition: February 2012
Hiya, Sophie! Hiya, Jesse!
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Thom Little
Brian Boone
Amy Miller
Jay Newman
Julia Papps
Malcolm Hillgartner
Jahnna Beecham
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
Sharilyn Hovind
Jeff Altemus
Gideon Javna
Sydney Stanley
JoAnn Padgett
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Scarab Media
Jef Fretwell
Connie Vazquez
Kristine Hemp
Nancy Toeppler
Dan Schmitz
Kyle Coroneos
Sheila & Rad
Gary Martin
Claudia Bauer
Jennifer Thornton
Jennifer Payne
Melinda Allman
Laurel Graziano
Mana, Dylan & Chandra
Maggie Javna
(Mr.) Mustard Press
Rick Overton
Steven Style Group
Kristen Vanberg
John Burns
Shobha Grace
Matthew Furber
Jo Scheer
Eddie Deezen
Alan Nathanson
Keziah Veres
Michelle Sedgwick
Maggie McLaughlin
Raincoast Books
Chris Olsen
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper
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“If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.”
—Oscar Wilde
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
* Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Does Fiona Eat Apples?
Medium
Uh, Excuse Me, Sir, But Your Microphone Is On
Billy Mitchell’s Battle, Part I
Diva of the Desert
Gentleman George
Billy Mitchell’s Battle, Part II
Billy Mitchell’s Battle, Part III
BATHROOM LORE
Short
More Bathroom News
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Medium
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Bathroom News
Toilet Tech
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
Know Your Produce
We All Scream
What’s in Your…
Mmm…Candy
Medium
Food Origins
Spicy Stories
Peruvian Punch
Long
The Nutmeg Wars
*The Über Tuber
A BLUNDERFUL LIFE
Short
A Few Dogs Short of a Kennel
Medium
Oops!
It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time
Hello, 911?
Bad Press
Taking the Low Road
Vote For Me!
Ethically Disabled
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
Animal Houses
Natural Gas Report
That’s Amore?
Revenge!
Modern Mysteries
It’s a Weird, Weird World
Rare Conditions
Medium
Too Risky for Guinness
Just Plane Weird
Lottery Row
High Anxiety
Amazing Luck
I’ll Trade You a…
Ironic, Isn’t It?
It’s a Weird, Weird World
The Doctor Is Out (of His Mind)
Shockers!
POP SCIENCE
Short
Forgotten Firsts in Robot History
Let’s Do a Study!
Medium
Aaaah! Robots!
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z
Bamboo: One Incredible Plant
The Cure for What Ails Ye
How to Build an Atom Bomb
It’s Radioactive!
Death Defiers?
Why Your Mom Says, “Wa
sh Your Hands!”
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Why You Get Motion Sickness
Long
Bathroomio Readerus
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Medium
The Pilgrims, Pt. I: A Church Divided
What Won’t They Tax?
Upside-Down Pangborn
The Pilgrims, Pt. II: Exodus from England
The Reivers
The Pilgrims, Pt. III: Sailing to America
Long
Betty Freeman’s Day in Court
Bingham’s List
*The Pilgrims, Pt. IV: The New World
WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS
Short
Word Origins
Medium
Jargon.com
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
Deliciously Familiar Phrases
LAW & ORDER
Short
State v. Big Hair
Medium
Strange Lawsuits
Dumb Crooks
Dumb Kops
The Black Panties Bandit Strikes Again
Creative Crooking
Strange Lawsuits
Legally Speaking
I’ve Got a Cunning Plan
Dumb Crooks
SPORTS & AMUSEMENT
Short
Pig Out
Medium
Life’s a Gamble
Long
Card Sharks, Part I
Roller Derby
Card Sharks, Part II
AMERICANA
$pirit of ’76
Forever Mankind
Can You Pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? (Easy)
Can You Pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? (Medium)
Can You Pass the U.S. Citizenship Test? (Hard)
Medium
Beulah Land, Part I
State Nicknames
Beulah Land, Part II
Lincoln’s Duel
Long
Building the Wall
The Great Boston Fire
*Vaudeville
THAT’S DEATH
Short
Died on the John
Death Customs
Exit, Stage Right
Medium
When You Gotta Go…
Reading Tombstones
The Two Graves of Mad Anthony Wayne
Long
Talk to the Sword
The Niagara Falls Mummy
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
Short
What World City…?
False Friends
Medium
Tha Fas Bouketo
Turkmenbashi
When in Rome…
Flag Trivia
The Culture Club
Rally ’Round the Flag
Long
The Glomar Explorer
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Dumb Jocks
Famous Last Words
Feelin’ Lazy
Colbert’s Retorts
Washington’s Posts
Believe!
He Slud Into Third
Pema Chödrön
Everybody’s a Critic
Matt’s Musings
More Dumb Jocks
BUSINE$$
Short
Bennies from Heaven
Zero-Sum Expansion
Weird Pitches
Medium
Inventive Advertising
Office Personalities
Sneaky Corporations
CANADIANA
Short
Canadian Namin’
Medium
The Avro Arrow
War Plan Red
Weird Canada
Destination: Canada
“The Greatest Canadian”
POP-POURRI
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Research Shows
A Punch in the Arm
Life Imitates Art
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
Nudes & Prudes
LOL (Love On-Line)
Medium
Lost Attractions
The Mustache Report
Make Your Own Origami Rubber Duck
Mile-High Comedians
Is It Art?
Collect It? Protect It!
Class Acts
Beauty Secrets From the Good Old Days
Long
The 1¢ Magenta
Make Your Own (Origami) Toilet
*How to Find Your Way Home
FADS & FLOPS
Short
Odd-O-Mobiles
Medium
Toy Fads
Like, Totally ’80s Fads
Dude, Your Pants Are Falling Down
WORDPLAY
Short
Bierce-isms
I Toast You!
I Curse You!
Ol’ Jay’s Brainteasers
He’s a Curly Wolf
Movie Review Haiku
Amazing Anagrams
Riddle Me This
Honk if Anything Falls Off
Geezers and Rodneys
Tom Swifties
Medium
Boodle and Bingo
MUSIC
Medium
It’s a Hootenanny!
The Who?
The Music Man
Sing Along With JFK
Behind the Hits
Hey, Ho, Let’s Go!
Long
The Bristol Sessions
CREATURE FEATURES
Short
Divine Bovine
Cute…and Evil
Medium
Snakes On A…
Weird Animal News
Odd Dogs
REEL LIFE
Short
Ben Kingsley’s Hair
Medium
Box Office Bloopers
Making The Godfather, Pt. I
Video Treasures
Lebowski 9:29
Superman, Starring James Caan
Making The Godfather, Pt. II
Oscar’s Bloopers
Long
*Making The Godfather, Pt. III
MYTHS AND LEGENDS
Short
Weird Ghosts
Myth-Conceptions
Medium
Modern Mythology
THE PRINTED WORD
Short
Warning Labels
Flubbed Headlines
The Naked Truth
Medium
Ghostwriters
Power of the Pen
POLITICS
Short
Poli-Talks
Bureaucracy in Action
Medium
If Elected, I Promise To…
Acts of Sedition!
The Rankin File
Long
More Acts of Sedition!
TV OR NOT TV
Short
Game Show Goofs
TV of the 1940s
Medium
G.E. College Bowl
Weird Star Trek News
G.E. College Bowl
Long
America’s Most Wanted
SCAMS & HOAXES
Medium
“Bunga Bunga!”
April Fools!
Oh, Martha!
Scam-o-Rama
Long
The Great Diamond Hoax of 1872, Part I
The Great Diamond Hoax of 1872, Part II
ON THE RADIO
Short
10-4, Good Buddy!
Got Your Ears On?
Shake the Trees and Rake the Leaves
Medium
The Golden Age of Radio, Part I
The Golden Age of Radio, Part II
Audio Treasures
Audio Treasures
Long
Join the (Citizens) Band
ORIGINS
Short
Random Origins
Mothers of Invention
Medium
Random Origins
Founding Fathers
Boxers or Briefs?
Random Origins
Long
Dustbin of History: Al Gross
The Ice Age
Answer Pages
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DO NOT CALL IN EVENT OF EMERGENCY
The Office of Homeland Security operates a secret emergency hotline that connects to the governors of all 50 states. In 2006 the number was placed on the national “Do Not Call” registry. Reason: the line was being barraged by telemarketers. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle says the phone rang once during the early days of the Iraq War. In a panic, he grabbed the phone, thinking he was about to hear instructions or grave news. Instead, he was asked if he was unhappy with his long distance service.
GREETINGS FROM “CURIOSITY CENTRAL”
Annnnnnnnd…we’re back!
Wow! It’s hard to believe it’s time to write another introduction, but here it is—Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader, our 19th edition (we’ve already rented our tuxes for next year’s 20th anniversary celebration).
But there’s plenty of reason to celebrate this year. Our insatiable curiosity has taken us to new heights in our continuing quest to bring you obscure knowledge and eye-popping trivia.
If you’re an old friend, welcome back. If you’re new, welcome to the family. And speaking of family, our little team at the BRI is tighter and happier than ever. We truly had a great time putting this Bathroom Reader together. Sure, it was a lot of work, what with all of the researching and compiling and writing and revising we’ve done over the last 12 months. But every single day one of our crackpot staffers would crack the rest of us up. That’s especially important during the final push to get the book to press, or “crunch time,” as we affectionately call it. Our little red schoolhouse becomes a bunker: the kitchen table is covered with (somewhat) healthy junk food; we drink gallons of coffee; John D. brings his cot to zonk out on in the back room; and Uncle John groans a lot.
So what compelling topics do we have in store for you? Too many great ones to list, but here are some of our favorites:
• Long-lost history: Lincoln’s duel, the first trans-Pacific flight, and roving gangs of robots.
• Music, music, music: the two weeks in 1927 that put country music on the map, and the shrieking birth of punk rock.
• Follies, flubs, and fabulous hoaxes: stupid campaign promises, the college kids who beat the Vegas casinos at their own game, and “Bunga Bunga!”
• Humanity’s fascination with food: how nutmeg brought the world together and how the potato nearly ripped it apart.
• Canadian lore: The United States government’s top secret plans to invade its friendliest neighbor. (Really!)
• Helpful hints: how to store your collectibles, why you should wash your hands, and how to get home safe if you’re stranded in the wilderness.
And now, before I sign off, let me send a big Bathroom Reader thank you—