Uncle John’s
UNSINKABLE
BATHROOM
READER®
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
OUR “REGULAR”
READERS RAVE!
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For Richard Farnsworth Staples
UNCLE JOHN’S UNSINKABLE
BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2008 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’
Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor.
All rights reserved.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117
Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
888-488-4642
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA
(Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
BRI “technician” on the back cover: Larry Kelp
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-460-5
E-book edition: November 2011
Hiya, Sophie! Hiya, Jesse!
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Thom Little
Brian Boone
Jay Newman
Amy Miller
Kait Fairchild
Julia Papps
Lorraine Bodger
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
Jeff Altemus
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Jef Fretwell
Megan Todd
Nephew Dave Fitzpatrick
Kyle Coroneos
Sue Steiner
Viola Rose
Christine DeGueron
Scarab Media
Elise Gochberg
Julie Bégin
Claudia Bauer
Claire Breen
Sydney Stanley
JoAnn Padgett
Melinda Allman
Lisa Meyers
Amy Ly
Amelia & Greta
Ginger Winters
Monica Maestas
Maggie Javna
(Mr.) Mustard Press
Steven Style Group
Eddie Deezen
Jeffrey Assisi
Publishers Group West
Raincoast Books
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper
I YAM NOT KIDDING
The people of Kiriwana, New Guinea, have a unique way of resolving disputes peacefully: Opponents meet in front of witnesses, then go search for a yam. Whoever finds the biggest yam wins.
Hiya, Sam! Hiya, Gideon!
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve
divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something
a little more involved is required
* Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
BATHROOM LORE
Short
Back Side Story
Hollywood’s #1 Star
Beware! Toilet Attack!
Medium
Bathroom News
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Butt…Butt…
Toilet Tech
Bathroom News
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
FADS & FLOPS
Medium
Fast Food Flops
Like, Totally ’80s Slogans!
The Tapeworm Diet
High-Tech Toy Flops
POP SCIENCE
Short
Let’s Do a Study
Medium
The Lego Spill of ’97
Robots in the News
The Constellations
13 Things About Botulism
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Come See the
Meteor Showers
Long
What Race(s) Are You?
ALMOST HISTORY
Medium
Atom Bombs Away!
Unamused
The (Almost) Colony
Long
The Plot Against FDR
Project Orion
*The Secret Race
to the Moon
SPORTS
Short
Super Bowl Trivia
Medium
Games People Play
After the Olympics
Sacrifice on the
Softball Field
Basketball Team
Name Origins
The Sumo Way
Death in the Ring
Long
The Runningman, Part I
The Godfather of Fitness
The Runningman, Part II
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
World’s Largest…
Bra-vo!
Medium
Don’t Make Them Angry
Strange Coincidences
Heeere’s Baby!
Uncle John’s Creative
Teaching Awards
It’s a Conspiracy!
It’s a Weird, Weird World
The World’s Largest…
Weird Attractions
Ironic, Isn’t It?
High-Tech Underwear
IT’S A BLUNDERFUL LIFE
Short
Injury…Meet Insult
Oops!
Medium
Oops!
Wow! That’s Dumb!
Oops!
MUSIC
Short
Woodstock, Y’all
Musical Notes
Hip-Hop Namez
Medium
Behind the Hits
Not-So-Easy Riders
Long
*Rock ’n’ Roll Lawsuit
ORIGINS
Medium
Founding Fathers
Random Origins
Cocktail Party
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Medium
History’s Last Stands
Lost Arts
The Comstock Lode, Part I
The Comstock Lode,
Part II
The Comstock Lode,
Part III
More Lost Arts
Where’d They Go?
Long
Dustbin of History:
Masabumi Hosono
The Mercenaries
The Comstock Lode,
Part IV
BODY OF KNOWLEDGE
Short
Open Wide
Medium
Medical Miracles
Know Your Knuckles
A Hole in the Head
Maneuver-Ability
The Truth About
Food Allergies
THE DRIVER’S SEAT
Short
Steered Wrong
A Beetle by
Any Other Name
Medium
The Da Vinci of Detroit,
Part I
Hypermiling
The Da Vinci of Detroit,
Part II
Long
Hypermiling
The Da Vinci of Detroit,
Part III
HI-TECH BITS & BYTES
Short
Networds
The Internuts
Medium
Plug and Play
Long
eBay: The Real Story
CANADIANA
Short
30 People You Didn’t Know
Were Canadian
Medium
Long
*The Snowmobile
CREATURE FEATURES
Short
In Hog We Trust
Man’s Best Friend
Weird Animal News
Medium
The Mysterious Eel
Cows on the Run
Owney Goes Postal
POLITICS
Short
The Commander Guy
Poli-talks
Nixonia
First Lady Firsts
Medium
Political Animals
Govern-Mental
More Political Animals
Long
The Magna Carta
*World Politics
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
Cheesey Does It
Tequila Mockingbird
The Last Meal
Junk Food Recipes
Medium
Regional Treats
Founding Food-ers
Founding Food-ers
Long
Seafaring Food in the
Age of Sail
The Joy of Cookbooks
*Layers of the Onion
*The Kitchen Olympics
GAMES & AMUSEMENTS
Short
Blokus, Anyone?
Medium
Duck…Duck…Goose!
The World of War Games
Weird Video Games
Long
The First War Game
Roll the Dice
The Original Dungeon
Masters, Part I
*The Original Dungeon
Masters, Part II
LAW & ORDER
Short
Court Transquips
Law and Order:
Special Pants Unit
Looney Laws
Medium
The Big Brother Files
Dumb Crooks
Strange Lawsuits
AROUND THE HOUSE
Short
Hats Incredible
Bedtime Stories
Medium
Uncle John Cleans
Your Kitchen
Bathroom Feng Shui
Out, Darn Spot!
How to Have a Yard Sale
Bathroom Feng Shui,
Part II
The Yard Sale
Shopper’s Guide
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Celebrity Eats
Famous and Smart
Medium
Harlem Globe-trivia
Long
The Piano Man
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
Short
Make a White Cabbage
There’s No Place
Like Zamunda
Medium
Assassinated!
Bizarre Brazil
Spotted Dick With a
Side of Neeps
Seven (Underwater) Places
to See Before You Die
WORDPLAY
Short
Pro-nun-ci-a-tion
Tom Swifties
A Brief Life
Pop Culture Anagrams
The Collectors
Instant Classic
Kissy Face
Medium
Leave Ready Zagromyhat
to Us!
REEL LIFE
Short
Sincerely, Steven
Hollywood Speak
Reel Dumb
Medium
Classroom Films
(Not) Coming to a
Theater Near You
Making a Movie, Part I
Based on a “True” Story
Video Treasures
Long
Making a Movie, Part II:
Making a Movie, Part III:
Preproduction
Making a Movie, Part IV:
Photography
*Making a Movie, Part V:
Postproduction
THE PRINTED WORD
Short
Flubbed Headlines
Park on an Angel
Leading Ledes
Suits Suck
Honk if You Love
Bumper Stickers
Medium
Comical Comics
Banned Books
The Funny Pages
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Laugh Lines
Modern Wisdom
Don’t…
Reality Bites
That’s Funny
Chanel No. 1
Tropic of Miller
Great Scott
Random Thoughts
MYTHS & LEGENDS
Short
Myth-Conceptions
Medium
The Wisdom
of the Gypsies
Pablo and the Pumpkin
Long
It’s in the Cards
It’s in the Cards, Part II
AMERICANA
Medium
City of Superlatives
Escape from America
Long
The Last Double Eagle,
Part I
State Quarters
The Last Double Eagle,
Part II
THAT’S DEATH
Short
Thy Will Be Done
Final Thoughts
Medium
What a Way to Go
Unlikely Benefactors
Ashes to Ashes,
Weird to Weirder
Death on the Set
WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS
Short
The Word Farm
Medium
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
SCAMS & HOAXES
Medium
Caught in the Act
Bad News Bared
We’re Under Attack!
Caught in the Act
BUSINE$$
Short
Doing Business
“Stronger Than Dirt”
Medium
The Best Deal
in $ports History
Doing a Ratner
Whatever Happened
To
Simple Success Stories
The Complaint Desk
Long
*“We’re Looking for People
Who Like to Draw”
TV OR NOT TV
Short
“Probably Wife #2”
The Boob Tube
Medium
Unseen TV
Cable Pioneers
Life Imitates Bart
Video Pirates
Long
The CSI Effect
POP-POURRI
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
Exercise Your Brain
Odd Superheroes
Medium
Let’s Go Streaking
Ol’ Jay’s Brainteasers
44 Things You Can Do
with a Coconut
Sold!
Answer Pages
WHAT’S IN A (OW!) NAME?
In October 2007, Jacqueline Holmes of West Palm Beach, Florida, filed a lawsuit against a local nightclub after its disco ball fell from the ceiling and hit her on the head. (She was not badly injured.) The name of the nightclub: the Coco Bongo.
INTRO-DUCK-TION
Welcome back! Here we are again with our 21st edition, Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader! As I sit here writing this intro in my office—surrounded by a gallery of 1950s kitsch and a flock of rubber duckies—our incredible team of editors, writers, researchers, and designers is downstairs at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute, putting the finishing touches on yet another amazing book. And I realize just how fortunate I am (and you are) to have such a dedicated staff of kooks and assorted nuts putting their hearts and souls into this job.
And what does that mean for you, our equally dedicated readers? A book like no other on the market. Some examples:
• History that never came to be. A rocket powered by hundreds of atomic bombs, the Russians’ plans to land a man on the Moon, and the secret plot to overthrow the U.S. government (it failed).
• History you didn’t know. The car designer who was more influential than Henry Ford, the forgotten American colony, and the legendary silver mine that gave and gave…and then took it all back.
• The answers to life’s most persistent questions: Why are snooze buttons always set to nine minutes? Whatever happened to milkmen? And is “either” pronounced “ee-ther” or “ay-ther”?
• Foodstuffs. Many things have been described as “the best thing since sliced bread.” Now you’ll know who’s responsible for sliced bread! Plus, the spirited history of cocktails, famous cookbooks, and for you junk-food fanatics—a recipe for sushi Twinkies.
• Pop Science: All about constellations and meteors, getting to know your knuckles, self-cleaning underwear, the baby girl that was born twice, and a porky page of pig facts.
• Wordplay, wordplay, wordplay! Bumper stickers, idioms in other languages, flubbed headlines, and one of our weirdest pages ever: “Leave Ready Zagromyhat to Us!” (or, what happens when a bored writer has too much fun on Internet translation sites).
• Speaking of weird, there’s “Vrillon of the Ashtar Galactic Command,” Communist Smurfs, the tapeworm diet, people who drill holes in their heads, and the great sport of mullet tossing.