Uncle John’s Briefs
Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Portable Press (2012)
* * *
* * *
Quick Bits
of Fascinating Facts
and Amazing Trivia
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’
Press Ashland, Oregon
OUR “REGULAR”
READERS RAVE!
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—Ernie
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—Gregory
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—John
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—Vincent
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—Rick
UNCLE JOHN’S BRIEFS
Copyright © 2010 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
Articles in this edition have been included from the following books: Uncle John’s Ultimate Bathroom Reader © 1996; Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader © 1997; Uncle John’s Great Big Bathroom Reader © 1998; Uncle John’s Absolutely Absorbing Bathroom Reader © 1999; Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader © 1999; Uncle John’s All-Purpose Extra Strength Bathroom Reader © 2000; Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader © 2001; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into History © 2001; Uncle John’s Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader © 2002; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into the Universe © 2002; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for Kids Only © 2002; Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader © 2003; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Great Lives © 2003; Uncle John’s Colossal Collection of Quotable Quotes © 2004; Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader © 2004; Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader © 2005; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Tees Off on Golf © 2005; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Hollywood © 2005; Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd © 2006; Uncle John’s Tales to Inspire © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Quintessential Collection of Notable Quotables © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Cat Lover’s Companion © 2006; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Dog Lover’s Companion © 2007; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Music © 2007; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into National Parks © 2007; Uncle John’s Triumphant 20th Anniversary Bathroom Reader © 2007; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Takes a Swing at Baseball © 2008; Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader © 2008; Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Plunges Into Pennsylvania © 2009; Uncle John’s Certified Organic Bathroom Reader © 2009.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com • 888-488-4642
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA (Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
eISBN: 978-1-60710-649-4
E-book edition: June 2012
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
Amy Miller
Jay Newman
Brian Boone
John Dollison
Thom Little
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
JoAnn Padgett
Melinda Allman
Sydney Stanley
Monica Maestas
Amy Ly
Lilian Nordland
Ginger Winters
Sarah Rosenberg
David Cully
Mustard Press
Scarab Media
John Javna
Karen Malchow
Publishers Group West
Raincoast Books
The Boxer Rebellion
Long John Silver
Amelia Bloomer
Will Shortz
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper
…and the many writers, editors, and other contributors who have helped make Uncle John the bathroom fixture he is today.
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages, but still brief
HEROES & VILLAINS
Short
Odd Superheroes
Medium
Local Heroes
Vampires on Bikini Beach
Local Hero: Leroy Gorham
IT’S A BLUNDERFUL LIFE
Short
Not Exactly Prince Charming
Little Things Mean a Lot
I Apologize
Medium
Baseball’s Disabled (and Embarrassed) List
Unintended Consequences
Oops!
BATHROOM LORE
Short
Medium
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Ask Uncle John: In the Bathroom
Fart Facts
PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES
Short
Just Plane Weird
A Dotty Idea
Medium
Wrong Way Corrigan
FADS & FLOPS
Short
Snap, Crackle…Flop!
The Chew-Chew Man
Medium
Toy Fads
TV OR NOT TV
Short
Star Trek Wisdom
Game Show Goofs
Medium
Flintstone v. Jetson
Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?
AMERICANA
Short
You Yell, We Shell!
Uniquely Presidential
The Joy of Sects: A Quiz
Medium
How to Read a Dollar Bill
Castle in the Desert
Tearing Down the White House
The Sad Tale of Centralia
POP SCIENCE
Medium
Wrinkles in Time
You Want a Piece of Me?
The Garbag
e Vortex
The Earth Is Flat!
The Symbol
Patently Absurd
Nature’s Revenge
Close Encounters of the Credible Kind
Earth’s Greatest Hits
LAW & ORDER
Short
You Stole What, Now?
Grounds for Divorce
Court Transquips
Medium
Dumb Crooks
To Tell the Truth
To Tell the Truth, Part II
Celebrity Lawsuits
AROUND THE HOUSE
Short
Uncle John Helps Out Around the House
I Walk the Lawn
Medium
(Bad) Dream Houses
WORDPLAY
Short
How Do You Say… “Mullet”?
Tom Swifties
Tongue Twisters
Ol’ Jay’s Brainteasers
I Toast You!
I Curse You!
Bierce-isms
Lost in Translation
Medium
Sound Smarter
CANADIANA
Short
Canadians on Canada
Medium
Jellied Moose Nose
The Avro Arrow, Part I
The Avro Arrow, Part II
BODY OF KNOWLEDGE
Short
What Dreams Mean
Anatomy of a Hiccup
Medium
Left-Handed Facts
Nudes & Prudes
Love at First Sight?
Ask Uncle John: The Human Body
To Sleep…or Not to Sleep?
BUSINE$$
Plop, Plop, Quiz, Quiz
How to Avoid Getting Hired
Pleased to Meat You
Brand Names
Medium
New Products
MUSIC
Short
“Did I Shave My Legs for This?”
Juzt Nutz
The First…
Medium
Swan Songs
The Other Sopranos
The Who?
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
Short
Why Don’t We Have a Word for That?
Cold, Hard Facts
Brits vs. Americans: A Word Quiz
Dialogues With World Leaders
Weird Mexico
Jesus in Shingo
Medium
Know Your Geography
Where’s Your Mecca?
Maneki Neko
Name That Country
CREATURE FEATURES
Short
Whisker Facts
The Bugs and the Bees
Jaws, Jr.
Statue Rats
Medium
Madison Avenue Mutts
Die-Hard Chicken
FOOD & DRINK
Short
Drink Up
Food Superstitions
What’s for Breakfast?
Medium
Name Your Poison
Food a Millennium Ago
What Is Spam?
Scotland’s Dish
THAT’S DEATH
Short
Ironic Deaths
Reading Tombstones
Death Customs
My Body Lies Over the Ocean
POP-POURRI
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Speaking “Tourist”
Crazy Eights
You’re My Inspiration
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
That’s About the Size of It
Medium
Smithsonian Fun
Golden-Age Radio Treasures
Q&A: Ask the Experts
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Short
Firsts
Stagecoach Rules
Medium
Filthy Water People
The Iceman Cometh
REEL LIFE
Short
Yah-Hah, Evil Spider Woman!
Hollywood's #1 Star
I’d Like to Thank the Academy…
Medium
Lebowski 7:16
Oscar’s Bloopers
Video Treasures
Rambo, Starring Al Pacino
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
Rejected!
Why Ask Why?
Medium
Lucky Finds
Family Reunions
The Missing Mom
MYTHS & HOAXES
Short
Not What They Seem to Be
Myth America
Medium
Myth-Spoken
“Bunga Bunga!”
SPORTS & GAMES
Short
He Slud Into Third
“Going, Going…Gone!”
Medium
Animals in the Outfield
NASCAR 101
Games People Play
Let’s Play Gorufu!
Card-Playing Superstitions
Best Deal in $port$ History
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Late Bloomers
Famous Tightwads
Medium
Famous for 15 Minutes
Diva of the Desert
ORIGINS
Short
Random Origins
Let’s Dance!
Founding Fathers
Medium
Random Origins
Let’s Dance!
A Musical Is Born
THE PRINTED WORD
Short
Free Pork With House
My Other Vehicle Is in Orbit
Little Willie
Flubbed Headlines
Medium
Novel Starts
What the #!&%?
The League of Comic Book Creators
A Barrel of Laughs
PAST & FUTURE
Medium
Were You Raised in a Barn?
Predictions for the Year 2000
When Your Husband Gets Home…
Ladies, Behave Yourselves
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Mr. T
Always…
Never…
Say Goodnight, Gracie
When Celebrities Attack
The English Language
Final Thoughts
Medium
Supposedly Said
WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS
Short
He’s a Curly Wolf
Underworld Lingo
Smudgers & Sleepers
Medium
Word Origins
Familiar Phrases
Answer Pages
INTRODUCTION
First, a brief history of the Bathroom Readers’ Institute: In 1987 a small gaggle of pop-culture aficionados led by Uncle John decided to make a book just for the bathroom. We compiled strange news stories, interesting facts, trivia, history, science, and whatever else we could find to create the very first Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader. Since then, we’ve released 22 annual volumes as well as dozens of special editions—kids’ books, plus books about pets, states, sports, quotes, science, movies, and much more. All in all, it adds up to nearly 20,000 pages of bathroom reading. (Really? Wow.)
So why this book? Most of our Bathroom Readers include short, medium, and long articles—and a few extra-long ones for those leg-numbing bathroom experiences. But over the years, a lot of our readers have asked us to put together an edition with all of the best short stuff. So we scoured our entire library to find our all-time favorite 1- and 2-page articles (along with a few absorbing 3-pagers). And voilà—here it is.
Open up Briefs to any page, and you’re sure to find something you didn’t know: an interesting origin, a wise quotation, an obscure bit of history, or something totally random, such as the “Bunga Bunga” hoax (a prankster fools the British Navy), symbolic meanings of dreams, the true story of Mike the Headless Chicken, Irish toasts and curses (our fa
vorite: “Your nose should grow so much hair it strains your soup!”), how to say “mullet” in other languages, the science of farts, and…well, you get the idea.
So turn the page and treat yourself to a few seconds (or hours) of entertainment. Happy reading and, as always…
Go with the Flow!
—Uncle John, the BRI staff, and Porter the Wonder Dog
Check out www.bathroomreader.com for more bite-sized pieces of bathroom-reading fun.
YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION
It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas. These may surprise you.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. In the 1920s, England’s two biggest chocolate makers, Cadbury and Rowntree, tried to steal trade secrets by sending spies into each others’ factories, posed as employees. Result: Both companies became highly protective of their chocolate-making process. When Roald Dahl was 13, he worked as a taste-tester at Cadbury. The secretive policies and the giant, elaborate machines later inspired him to create chocolatier Willy Wonka.
MARLBORO MAN. Using a cowboy to pitch the cigarette brand was inspired when ad execs saw a 1949 Life magazine photo—a close-up of a weather-worn Texas rancher named Clarence Hailey Long, who wore a cowboy hat and had a cigarette in his mouth.
NAPOLEON DYNAMITE. Elvis Costello used it as a pseudonym on his 1986 album Blood and Chocolate. Scriptwriter Jared Hess met a street person who said his name was Napoleon Dynamite. Coon liked the name and, unaware of the Costello connection, used it for the lead character in his movie.
THE ODD COUPLE. In 1962 TV writer Danny Simon got divorced and moved in with another divorced man. Simon was a neat freak, while his friend was a slob. Simon’s brother, playwright Neil Simon, turned the situation into The Odd Couple. (Neil says Danny inspired at least nine other characters in his plays.)
CHARLIE THE TUNA. The Leo Burnett Agency created Charlie for StarKist Tuna in 1961. Ad writer Tom Rogers based him on a beatnik friend of his (that’s why he wears a beret) who wanted to be respected for his “good taste.”
“I DON’T GET NO RESPECT.” After seeing The Godfather in 1972, comedian Rodney Dangerfield noticed that all the characters did the bidding of Don Corleone out of respect. Dangerfield just flipped the concept.
An average covered wagon train crossed the prairie at 1-2 miles per hour.
WHISKER FACTS
A cat’s whiskers are a marvel of form and function. Here are a few facts about them that will have you feline fine.