Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader@
Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Portable Press (2012)
* * *
* * *
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
OUR “REGULAR”
READERS RAVE!
“Keep up the good work. I love your books and have almost every one of them. I got my Mom and Dad hooked on them two years ago, and my brother and wife recently started reading as well.”
—Jon
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—John
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—Michael
“I love Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers! I annoy everyone at school, my weirdo cousin, and my parents with your completely useless information. And it isn’t all useless. During school we do trivia, and I answer almost all of them correctly!”
—Megan
“I just wanted to say thank you for the book. I read it every day—it’s become my ‘Bathroom Bible.’”
—Katherine
“You guys are so amazingly smart! How do you know all this stuff? Like, come on, all the stuff I learned in Did You Know? and Facts to Annoy Your Teacher made me look just like Einstein!”
—Bobby
UNCLE JOHN’S HEAVY DUTY
BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2010 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’
Institute” are
registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117,
Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA (Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
BRI “technician” on the back cover: Larry Kelp
eISBN: 978-1-60710-650-0
E-book edition: June 2012
Hiya, Sophie! Hiya, Jesse!
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Brian Boone
Jay Newman
Thom Little
Amy Miller
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Jack Mingo
Erin Barrett
Jahnna Beecham
Malcolm Hillgartner
Megan Todd
Judy Plapinger
William Dooling
Jill Bellrose
Mikael Levin
Elizabeth Harvey
Michael Kerr
Christine DeGueron
James Greene Jr.
Leslie Weishar
Scarab Media
Amelia & Greta Zeve
Claudia Bauer
Geri Gale
Gary Morris
JoAnn Padgett
Melinda Allman
Monica Maestas
Amy & Annie
Ginger Winters
Maggie Javna
Matt Ofsanik
Tom “Yellow” Mustard
Sydney Stanley
David Calder
Karen Malchow
Elise Gochberg
Julie Bégin
Media Masters
Eddie Deezen
Publishers Group West
Bloomsbury Books
Raincoast Books
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper
Hiya, Sam! Hiya, Gideon!
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
* Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
BATHROOM LORE
Short
Pot-tastrophes
Medium
Stalls of Terror
The #2 Amendment
Famous for 15…Eww!
The #2 Amendment
Uncle John’s Stall of Shame
POP SCIENCE
Medium
Dino Chow
Unobtainiums
How to Crack a Safe, Part I
Volcano Moon
How to Crack a Safe, Part II
How to Crack a Safe, Part III
TV OR NOT TV
Medium
Cancelled! Wait…
Meet Omar Shamshoon
No Finale
Mmm…Words
Dead TV
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Short
Prankelangelo
Medium
The Datar Flop
Dustbin of History: Thomas Meagher
Long
Dustbin of History: The Pearl Harbor Spy, Part I
Resigned in Protest
Dustbin of History: The Pearl Harbor Spy, Part II
SPORTS
Short
Jersey Numbers
Baseball Contracts
Medium
Olympic Pranksters
NASCAR-tastrophies
Odd Sports
Ejected from the Olympics
Dumb Jock Crimes
The Florida White Sox
The Other Olympics
FADS & FLOPS
Short
Funny Business
Medium
Ch-ch-ch-Chia!
Product Flops
Meat the Beats
IT’S A BLUNDERFUL LIFE
Short
Embarrassed in the E.R.
Pasteur Cured Rabbis
Hang Up the Phone!
“9-1-Dumb, What’s Your Emergency?”
Don’t Drink and _______
Real Test Answers
Medium
Little Things Mean a Lot
“9-1-Dumb, What’s Your Emergency?”
Oops!
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
Medium
Govern-mental
Don’t Call Me Liz
Poli-Talks
BODY OF KNOWLEDGE
Short
Dreamy Facts
Odd-Phrodisiacs
Brain Power
Medium
I Stink, Therefore I Am
I Burp, Therefore I Am
Long
*Peoples and Their Diseases
AMERICANA
Short
What It Cost in 1980
Medium
City Lights
His Rotundity
Long
The Strange Fate of Big Nose George
*The Fearless Wonders
HI-TECH BITS & BYTES
Short
Big Brother 2.0
Medium
Dot Bombs
Cyber Cowboys
CREATURE FE
ATURES
Short
Aamazing Aardvarks
How to Tickle a Trout
Weird Fish Stories
Medium
185 Uses for a Pig
Weird Animal News
Turtle Stories
Do You Speak Dog?
Do You Speak Dog?
Long
*Uncle John’s Ants
BUSINE$$
Short
It Ain’t From There
(M)ad Men
Medium
The Mall: A History, Part I
Thinking Outside the Box
Children of the Corn
Long
A History of the Shopping Mall, Part II
The Cubicle
A History of the Shopping Mall, Part III
A History of the Shopping Mall, Part IV
HUT, HUT, HIKE!
Medium
The Packers Are in His Blood
The Madden Curse
Super Bowl I
The Super Bowl Can Kill You
College Rivals
FOOD & DRINK
Short
Pink Ping Pong
Gross Cocktails
How________ Got to Japan
Cereal Facts
Medium
Who Needs Bread?
Salem Witch Trials: The Fungus Theory
How to Make Prison Wine
Eat the World, Part II
Long
The Physics of Breakfast Cereal
THE PRINTED WORD
Short
Give Me a Sign!
Flubbed Headlines
KISS and Make-Up
Superhero Flops
Bumper Stickers
Medium
Once Upon a Time…
Long
*Defunct Magazines
ORIGINS
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Founding Fathers
Medium
The Name’s Familiar
Inventors, U.K.
LAW & ORDER
Short
Dumb Crooks
Medium
Strange Lawsuits
Weird Crime
Hip-Hop Lawsuits
Dumb Crooks
Long
The Missing-Children Milk Carton Program
*Falsely Accused
INVENTING LANGUAGE
Medium
Let’s Speak Esperanto
Long
La Historio da Esperanto, Part I
Esperanto, Parto Du
Esperanto, Parto Tri
Do You Speak Láadan?
MUSEUM OF BATHROOMOLOGY
Medium
Art That Poops
Poop That’s Art
Long
The Lloyds Bank Turd
WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS
Short
Neologisms
Modern Words…Not!
Medium
Lock and Load
Word Origins
It’s Greek to Us
Word Origins
VANISHED!
Medium
The Lost Explorers: Mungo Park
The Lost Explorers: Percy Fawcett
The Lost Explorers: Ludwig Leichhardt
The Lost Explorers: Salomon Andrée
IT’S A CONSIPRACY!
Medium
The Anthrax Attacks, Part I
The Anthrax Attacks, Part II
Joe Stalin vs. John Wayne, Part I
It’s a Conspiracy!
Long
The Anthrax Attacks, Part III
The Anthrax Attacks, Part IV
*Numbers on the Radio
Joe Stalin vs. John Wayne, Part II
MUSIC
Medium
Lost (and Found) Albums
Keith Moon, Bathroom Bomber
Song-Wrongers
Last Concerts
Behind the Riff
Odd Musicals
Last Concerts, Part II
Behind the Love Songs
Show Stoppers
THAT’S DEATH
Short
Cause of Death
Medium
When You Gotta Go…
Last Words
Died in the Can
Postmortems
POP-POURRI
Short
The Last…
Happy Waffle Iron Day!
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
The Only Time…
13 Facts About the Witch Hazel Tree
The Monty Hall Paradox
Medium
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Egg Addlers and Pajama Police
Dustbin of (Cartoon) History
11 Fictional Doctors
Q&A: Ask the Experts
REEL LIFE
Medium
Fight Club, Starring Russell Crowe
Godfather, Meet the Godfather
Act Your Age
Not Coming to a Theater Near You
The Portmanteau Movie Quiz
The Worst Movie of All Time?
Basic Instinct, Starring Jodie Foster
TOYS & GAMES
Short
Fact-opoly
A Toy Is Born
Arcade Ire
Long
*Behind the Magic 8-Ball
FRIEND OR FOWL?
Medium
Bird Brains, Part I
How to Hypnotize a Chicken
Bird Brains, Part III
Long
Bird Brains, Part II
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
Short
Welcome to Druk Yul
Medium
Why They Don’t Speak Spanish in Rio
Other Leaning Towers
Weird Canada
The Nanny State Quiz
MYTHS & LEGENDS
Short
Do Do That Voodoo!
Myth-Conceptions
Omens
Medium
Myth-Conceptions
The Master Hoaxer
Hoop Snakes and Splinter Cats
Whopperknockers and Sand Squinks
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
Medium
How Not to Rob a Bank
Bank Error in Your Favor, Part I
Bank Error in Your Favor, Part II
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Suffering Fools
To Tell the Truth
A Virus With Shoes
Don’t Be Afraid…
Stand-Up Folks
Kurt’s Cuts
“Mind Over Mattress”
Pun-liners
Complaints Dept.
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Phobias of the Famous
Sheetheads
Medium
Celebs’ Good Deeds
Missed It by That Much
Unlikely Inventors
People You Thought Were Americans
Family Business
Flakes on a Plane
Smart and Talented
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
Tatt-oops!
Crossed Paths
Medium
Bad News/Good News
Lucky Finds
Eat My…
It’s a Weird, Weird World
Ironic, Isn’t It?
Huh?
Ready…Set…Hurl!
Bad News/Good News
It’s a Weird, Weird World
PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES
Short
Fatal Flight Firsts
Medium
The Pee-Mobile
Just Plane Weird
Flying Blind
Pilot (T)error
Long
Short Story: The Mini
*From Audi 5000 to Zunndapp Janus
WORDPLAY
Short
When Words Collide
Retronyms
Guilt by Association
Amazing Anagrams
Missing Links Word Game
Knock-Knock Jokes
Guilt by Association
They Might Be Fed Up
Know Your Butts
Violet Precipitation
Medium
Ol’ Jaybeard and Brian
Long
*Pop-Culture Alphabet
Answer Pages
INTRODUCTION
GREETINGS, FELLOW TRIVIA HOUNDS!
As we scramble to finish our latest (and our favorite-ever) Bathroom Reader, I’m reminded of a question that I hear a lot: “Aren’t you guys afraid you’ll run out of stuff to write about?”
The answer is a big, fat no.
We’re more concerned that we’re not going to live long enough to write about everything we plan to write about. (For example, in next year’s Bathroom Reader we’re going to include an amazing article about…on second thought, why spoil the surprise?) For us, every day is another fantastic opportunity to plunge into the depths of science, history, current events, language, sports, and pop culture. To explore strange, new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go… (Oops. I got carried away again.)
But what’s even more gratifying than hunting and gathering all the great information that goes into Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader is paring it all down to its most absorbing elements and passing it along to you.
So without further ado, here are a just a few of the Heavy Duty duty topics you’ll find in this book:
• When Words Collide: Pun-ishing quotes, a guide to “butt” words, phrases coined on The Simpsons, and Esperanto—the invented language that was supposed to bring about world peace
• Flubs and Flops: The best worst movie ever, the Wicked Witch who fell through the stage, and Michelangelo’s dirty little secrets
• Throne Room Tales: Toilet mishaps (as told by ER docs), an interesting “morsel” of archaeology called the Lloyd’s Bank Turd, poop that’s art, and art that poops
• Oddities Galore: The Whopperknocker and other mythical beasties, the strange fate of Big Nose George’s skull cap, some other famous leaning towers, and how to make prison wine
• Pop Science: The healing powers of witch hazel, all about anthrax, the solar system’s most violent moon, what the dinosaurs ate, and the physics of breakfast cereal
• Origins: The Mini Cooper, the Magic 8-ball, the office cubicle, the shopping mall, and the Ch-ch-ch-chia pet!
• History Unleashed: Intrepid explorers who never returned, the Mohawk “skywalkers” who built New York’s City’s skyscrapers, and the man who made Pearl Harbor a “day that will live in infamy”
• The Sporting Life: The weightlifter who ate himself out of the Olympics, the dangers of watching the Super Bowl, NASCAR’s most dangerous family, and Rollie Fingers’ $300 mustache
• Creature Features: The powerful brains of birds, the complex societies of ants, a devil of a turtle, 185 uses for a pig (would you believe…train brakes?), and the secret language of dogs
And speaking of dogs, I’m going to forego the usual thanking of the inhouse and outhouse BRI staff (Great job, everyone!) and take a moment to say thanks to the Bathroom Reader’s best friend, Porter the Wonder Dog. You’ve been our loyal companion since…well, before we even had an e-mail address. Thanks for your love, your cuteness, your tricks, and your sticking by my side on all those long nights of writing and editing. Porter, you give real meaning to the phrase “good dog.” Oh, yes you do!