Uncle John’s
SLIGHTLY
IRREGULAR
BATHROOM
READER
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!
“This is one of the best books I’ve ever read. What are the other best books I’ve read? Why, the other Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers, of course! Thanks—you make doing #2 my #1 priority!”
—Robert D.
“I found nirvana when I found your books. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
—Donna K.
“This is just a note to thank you for the valuable knowledge that you have dumped on me. You have given me great pleasure and kept me quite regular. My wife also thanks you, for since our introduction to the world of the Bathroom Reader, I had to build her a second bathroom. Humble thanks and keep up the good work.”
—James M.
“I started reading your books after a colleague, ordinarily not much of a conversationalist, started to get smarter and smarter by the day. We couldn’t figure out what was going on until we caught him reading one of your books. I bought my first one that night.”
—Ernie P.
“You guys are the best. My girlfriend thinks I spend too much time in the can, but I just tell her that I am improving my cognitive thinking and am full of information, not what I’m usually full of.”
—Marty M.
“I’m a huge fan of Bathroom Readers, but they are too good. Everytime someone sees me with one of your books, they ask to see it, read it, then borrow it. The bad part is I never get them back. Keep on flushin’!”
—Ted C.
“I just purchased my 16th Bathroom Reader and will not stop until I own every one. You have given me many days and nights of enjoyable reading. I look forward to future editions. Keep up the good work!”
—Karyn L.
UNCLE JOHN’S SLIGHTLY IRREGULAR BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2004 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute”are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor.
All rights reserved.
For information, write
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
888-488-4642
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,
San Rafael, CA (Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp
Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader®
by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-613-5
E-book edition: April 2012
Created in the United States of America
“Seattle Windshield Pitting Epidemic” by Alan J. Stein for History Link.
Copyright © 2003. Reprinted by permission of History Link.
Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jessie!
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Thom Little
Jay Newman
Julia Papps
Brian Boone
John Gaffey
Laura BlackFeather
Jeff Altemus
Sharilyn Hovind
Michael Brunsfeld
Bryan Henry
Angela Kern
Lori Larson
Sam Javna
Sydney Stanley
Gideon Javna
Jim McCluskey
Janet Spencer
Paul Stanley
Jenny Baldwin
Nancy Toeppler
Raingirl Thering
Joe Diehl
JoAnn Padgett
Amy Briggs
Allen Orso
Lyne Brennanski
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Scarab Media
Stephanie Spadaccini
Jef Fretwell
Maggie Javna
Andy Peterson
John Staedler
Larry Bograd
(Mr.) Mustard Press
Steven Style Group
Mana Manzavi
Matt Rosenberg
Jim Koweek
Barb Porshe
Paula Leith
Chris Olsen
Rich Skrenta
Porter the Wonder Dog
John Javna
Thomas Crapper
...AND BEST FLUSHES
to the millions of bathroom readers out there.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you’re finished.” —Leslie Nielsen
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
* Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Youngest & Oldest
Famous People’s Pets
Found and Lost
Youngest & Oldest
Medium
Nudes & Prudes
When Celebrities Attack
Nudes & Prudes
Famous for 15 Minutes
The Man Inside The Terminal
BATHROOM NEWS
Short
That ’70s Bathroom
Close the Lid
Bathroom Stats
Medium
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
I Heard It in the Bathroom
Bathroom News
Bathroom Time Killers
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Your #1 News Source
FADS & FLOPS
Medium
(B)ad Campaigns
Close, But No Cigar
Segue into Segway
Used-Less Inventions
Long
Billion-Dollar Babies
World’s First Muscle Car
BLUNDERFUL LIFE
Short
Jail Food Follies
Medium
Oops!
The Digital Age
Uncle John’s “Creative Teaching” Awards
Oops!
More “Creative Teaching” Awards
It’s the Wrong Song
Oops!
WATCH THIS!
Short
Mmmm...Trivia
Reel Wise
Medium
Box-Office Bloopers
The Lost Star Wars
The Lyin’ King
Video Treasures
McLeaned
Taxi Driver, Starring Neil Diamond
They Felt the Passion
Hunting for DVD Easter Eggs
(Not) Coming to a Theater Near You
Long
The Cost War (Movies)
POP SCIENCE
Short
Spider? Man?
Wearable Electronics
Animal Life Spans
Tree-mendous
Rocks on the Go
Weights and Measures
Wooden You Know
Medium
; I Hate Cleaning!
Upstanding Citizens
Q&A: Body of Knowledge
Comic Book Science
Color-Blind
Q&A: Ask the Experts
How Not to Get Struck By Lightning
Long
Lucky Strikes
SPORTS & AMUSEMENTS
Short
Not Exactly Seabiscuit
Basketball 101
Medium
Foul Balls
Goooooooal!
Grandma Celia, Card Shark
Long
The Birth of the Major Leagues
* Jack Johnson vs. The Great White Hope
MUSIC
Short
The Who?
“I Want a Beer As Cold As My Ex-Wife’s Heart”
Medium
Behind the Hits
Long
By the Time We Got to Woodstock, Pt. I
* By the Time We Got to Woodstock, Pt. II
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
Short
Be A Pochemuchka!
(Not) Made In China
Lost in Translation
Medium
The Great Wall of Florida
The Search for the “Afghan Girl”
Made in China
Long
Nephew of a Dictator
THAT’S DEATH
Short
Last Words
Where There’s A Will
Medium
That’s Death!
Getting the Last Word
The Zombie Quiz
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
The Eternal Twinkie
Food for Thought
One Egg Pop, Please
Medium
Limburger Cheese War
CREATURE FEATURES
Short
A Great Ape
Statue Rats
Animals in the News
Birth Announcement
Medium
Hairy Houdinis
News of the Wild
It’s A Dog’s Life
Lucky Critters
Boneheads
News of the Wild
Animals Famous for 15 Minutes
GOVERN-MENTAL
Short
Dobbyloom Chainpegger
Mr. Potty Mouth
Medium
Your Government At Work
Taking the Low Road
Long
* CIA’s First Coup, Pt. I
CIA’s First Coup, Pt. II
A Spy? Not I!
* CIA’s First Coup, Pt. III
BUSINE$$
Medium
McLibel
Sellouts?
(Bad) Dream Houses
What’d You McSay?
Gobbled Up
Long
The Other Mr. Coffee
What’s On eBay
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Love and Marriage
Fighting Words
Kind of Kinky
The Naked Truth
Beg Your Parton
Ancient Wisdom
Muhammad Ali: Poet
Comic Relief
Say Goodnight, Gracie
Tick-Tock
PunditSpeak
Sagan Says
WORDPLAY
Short
Flubbed Headlines
Thumbers & Modocks
This Is My Other Car
Amazing Anagrams
Little Willie
Limericks
Uncle John’s Puzzlers
TTFN, Sweater Girl!
Sin Bins & Bucket Bags
Code Brown
A Dummary of Words
Medium
Ol’ Jay’s Brainteasers
Have Fun With
Long
A Day in Palindromia
AMERICANA
Short
Would You Rather Live In
Stagecoaches
Putting Revenge on the Map
The Talented Miss America
Alabama Kleenex
Medium
Odd Museums
Name That Town
POP-POURRI
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
That’s About the Size of It
Crazy Eights
The Number of...
Medium
Know Your Globe
It’s Art to Someone
ORIGINS
Medium
Founding Fathers
Random Origins
Plastic Money
Long
Stalled Cars
Computer Viruses
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Medium
The Rise And Demise of Ulysses S. Grant
How the West Was Lost
And Then What Happened?
Long
History of Civilization
Gimli Glider, Pt. I
Women in Space, Pt. I
America’s Forgotten Founding Father
And Then What Happened?
Gimli Glider, Pt. II
* (Bat) Bombs Away!
And Then What Happened?
Women in Space, Pt. II
* Who Was Deep Throat?
* Gimli Glider, Pt. III
MYTHS & LEGENDS
Short
Myth-Conceptions
Myth-Leading
Medium
You’ve Got Mail!
Welcome to the Twilight Zone
Urban Legends
Don’t Eat That!
Long
The Four Dragons
The Great Seattle Windshield Epidemic
* Birthstones
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
What’s Up, Doc?
Amazing Luck
Medium
The World’s (Un)luckiest Man
Just Plane Weird
Irregular News
Amazing Luck
It Worked...Too Well!
Ironic, Isn’t It?
In the News: The Birds and the Bees
Irregular News
I Can’t Take It Anymore!!!
Role Models
More Irregular News
Abbey-Normal
Long
Unintended Consequences
OH, CANADA
Short
Made in Canada
Medium
Weird Canada
Marathon of Hope
Jellied Moose Nose
WORD & PHRASE ORIGINS
Short
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
Medium
Word Orgins
Word Orgins
LAW & ORDER
Short
Court Transquips
Nice Crooks
Looney Laws
Medium
Instant Justice
Strange Lawsuits
Dumberer Crooks
Strange Lawsuits
More Nice Crooks
Long
America’s First Private Eye
* How to Fight a Speeding Ticket
The Pinkerton Files
KUNG PHOOEY
Short
I Scare Nothing! Even You Become Napkins!
Kung Fu Wisdom
Medium
Jackie Chan’s Greatest Hits
Long
The King of Kung Fu
The Creepiest Movie Ever Made
* Let’s Watch Kung Fu
HOAXES
Short
Winston Churchill’s Dirty Bird
Funny Money
Medium
Best Pranks Ever
Living a Lie
Not Who They Seemed To Be
Long
Celebrity Two-Timers
Was It...Murder?
The Nigerian Scam
CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS
Short
No Whistling!
Break a Leg!
Medium
Happy Eostre!
Where’s Your Mecca?
Speak of the Devil
Offenders of the Faith
On the Wart Path
PRINTED WORD
Short
Dog Gives Birth to Kittens!
Medium
The Chaucer of Cheese
Banned Books
The World’s Worst Poet
The Bestselling Books of All Time
The World’s Worst Novelist
Answers
Oops! A popular British hiking magazine had to apologize to its readers. Its February 2004 issue contained faulty directions for how to get down safely from Ben Nevis, the country’s highest peak. As printed, the route led hikers over the edge of a cliff.
HERE WE GO AGAIN!
Another year...another amazing Bathroom Reader.
Why do we keep doing this? Two reasons: 1) We love learning new things; and 2) We love sharing what we’ve learned. We just can’t help it. For instance, did you know that the world’s safest mode of transportation is...the elevator? See? The urge is still uncontrollable—even after 16 years!
On our quest for perfect bathroom reading, we tried to shake things up a bit this year: Instead of writing about dumb crooks, we decided to find some smart crooks. We couldn’t find any. So we settled for nice crooks, like the guy who handed a bank teller a robbery note that ended with “Sorry for your inconvenience.”
We also came up with a few new wordplay pages. We have a crazy word game based on Fed chairman Alan Greenspan, and our regular page of palindromes turned into a three-page sci-fi epic of absurd proportions. (Speaking of palindromes, we discovered a town called Adaven, Nevada.)
And why settle for the best when the worst is a lot funnier? We have a bunch of worsts, including the world’s worst novelist and two terrible poets (one of whom only writes about cheese).
This book truly is...slightly irregular.
But wait, there’s more. (Okay, you can stop waiting.) Even with the few new touches, this is still a bona fide classic Bathroom Reader. It runs the gamut from the useless (Michael Jackson has a pet llama named Louie) to the useful (how to get out of a speeding ticket) to the sublime (our “Creative Teaching” award to the guy who punishes his students by making them listen to Frank Sinatra) to the very core of what makes us who we are (“The History of Civilization” begins on page 110). We also answer some of life’s nagging questions, such as, “How come so much stuff is made in China?” and “How do you kill a zombie?”
As always, these books would never make it to press were it not for the committed (they should be) staff at BRI headquarters in Ashland, Oregon.
•Thanks to our writers, John D. (check out his harrowing tale of “The Gimli Glider,” perhaps the most nail-biting story we’ve ever told) and Little Thom (he gave us “The History of Civilization” and “Forgotten Founding Father”).
•Then there’s Brian, who knows far too much about pop culture and proves it with his great article about the lost Star Wars movie. And we can’t forget Ol’ Jay, who left the BRI, but somehow still shows up every day...and one day he showed up with a terrific piece on Woodstock.