Uncle John's
BATHROOM
READER®
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
UNCLE JOHN’S
BATHROOM READER
WONDERFUL WORLD OF ODD®
Copyright © 2006 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press
(a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be used or reproduced
in any manner whatsoever without written permission,
except in the case of brief quotations embodied
in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’
Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor.
All rights reserved.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117
Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
888-488-4642
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,
San Rafael, CA (Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader
Wonderful World of Odd®
by the Bathroom Readers’ Institute
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-464-3
E-book edition: November 2011
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Amy Miller
Brian Boone
Thom Little
Jay Newman
Julia Papps
Angela Kern
Michael Brunsfeld
Carole Quandt
Claudia Bauer
Sydney Stanley
JoAnn Padgett
Scarab Media
Connie Vazquez
Kristine Hemp
Nancy Toeppler
Mary Lou GoForth
Laurel Graziano
Mana, Dylan & Chandra
Publishers Group West
Banta Corp.
(Mr.) Mustard Press
Maggie Javna
Jeff Cheek
Bruce Carlson
Ed Polish
Eddie Deezen
Malcolm Hillgartner
Jahnna Beecham
Melinda A. (hi, Melinda!)
Steven Style Group
Shobha Grace
Michelle Sedgwick
Joel & Ann Horowitz
Ricky Meatball
Raincoast Books
Chris Olsen
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper
* * *
CELEBRITY TRIVIA
Q: What do Adam West, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Oprah Winfrey, Steve Martin, Groucho Marx, Dick Clark, John Ritter, Sally Field, Phil Hartman, Farrah Fawcett, and Andy Kaufman have in common?
A: They all appeared on the game show The Dating Game.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
BATHROOM NEWS
Animal Bathroom News
Odd Bathroom News
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
RICH, FAMOUS & ODD
Being Elvis Presley
Kooky Stars
I Was Marilyn Monroe
Celebrity Death Conspiracies
Love Me Tender
ODD OF THE PAST
The Strangest Disaster of the 20th Century, Part I
The Great London Smog of 1952
Welcome to College! (Now Get Undressed), Part I
Historically Strange
Looney Lords
Project Acoustic Kitty
The Strangest Disaster of the 20th Century, Part II
Shanghaied!
Apocalypse? Nah
Welcome to College! (Now Get Undressed), Part II
The Prince of Whales
The Strangest Disaster of the 20th Century, Part III
SCIENCE, SORT OF…
Strange Statistics
According to the Latest Research
Smithsonian Fun
Wrinkles in Time
Welcome to the Mütter Museum
LIFE IS STRANGE
Didn’t See That Coming
Amazing Coincidences
Just Plane Weird
Weird Finds
Just Plane Weird
Amazing Luck
Here’s a Really Strange Idea
Ironic, Isn’t It?
Amazing Tales of Survival
Random Acts of Oddness
ODD ON FILM
Lost TV Pilots
Join the Bad Film Society
Cinema Odd
The Beast From the Bad Film Society
CREATURE FEATURES
Weird Canine Stomach News
Allicracker
When Pigs…
Like the Animals Do
Animal Oddities
In Search of New Species
The Cow Whisperer
THAT’S DEATH
The Weirdest Grave in the West
Now That You’re Dead
Odd to the Last Drop
What a Way to Go!
I’m Not Dead Yet!
IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD
Let There Be Light
Weird Hotels
Politics: It’s No Laughing Matter
It’s an Odd World After All
Beheading the Goose
The Saga of Sealand
Jesus in Shingo
ODD OFF THE PRESSES
Bin Laden Is a Woman!
Leading Ledes
Classifieds
Flubbed Headlines
Odd Off the Presses
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE
Super Powers
The Dog Girl
Strange Obsessions
Signs of Genius?
Doctor Strange, Love
World Nudes Tonight
Know Your Phobias
He Voodooed the Prez
Incident at Havering
YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
Let’s Talk Turkey
Oh No! It’s Jell-O!
Uh-oh, What’s That in the Freezer?
Thumb Salad
Mmm…Chicken Heads
Freaky Foods From Around the World
Theme Restaurants
What’s for Thorrablot?
REALLY OUT THERE
The Ufologists
David Icke and the Lizard People
Close Encounters of the Credible Kind
Aliens: What Will They Look Like?
Mythical Creatures
The Curse of Macbeth
ODD BODIES
Medieval Medicine
Odd Disorders
You Want a Piece of Me?
CRAZY LOVE
Marry Me!
Love, Marriage, and Other Strange Things
Love Is Strange
ODD ART, ODD MUSIC
Strange Bands
In the Name of Art
Eccentric Artists
Red Rocker
In the Name of Art
PR-ODD-UCTS
Chindogu
40 Odd Uses for WD-40
My Pet Fat
Weight Loss Quackery
Weirdmart
New Products
Made in Japan
WEIRD SPORTS & GAMES
Odd, Odd World of Baseball Injuries
The Weird World of Sports
Games People Play
Flushmate
&nbs
p; Weird Toy Ads of Yesteryear
Pac-Manhattan
Rock, Paper, Scissors
Let's Play StreetWars!
Video Games
IT’S A BLUNDERFUL LIFE
An “E” for Effort
Oops!
Oops!
CRIMINALLY ODD
You Stole What, Now?
Hey, I Recognize That Butt Crack!
Weird Crime News
Hey! I’m Being Attacked With…
Smile: You’re on Bait Car!
Kooky Crooks
INTERNATIONAL ODD
Weird Britain
Weird Romania
Weird India
Weird Europe
Weird Africa
Weird Japan
Weird China
Weird Mexico
Weird Russia
Weird Canada
Weird America
Weird Australia
Weird Germany
WEIRD WORDS
Odd Books
Why Don’t We Have a Word for That?
The Best Bad Writing
How Do You Say… “Mullet”?
Obsolete Word Quiz
CREEPY-CRAWLIES
Insect Oddities
The Better to Bite You With
What’s Eatin’ You?
I’ve Got a Secret(ion)
ODDS & ENDS
Mannequin Madness
It’s a Conspiracy!
That’s Entertainment?
Beyond Bizarre
INTRODUCTION
HURRY, HURRY, STEP RIGHT UP!
We at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute have always had a hungry appetite for collecting and reporting tales of the odd: odd music, odd science, odd art, odd sports, odd history. And happily, we’ve found over the years that our readers love these odd stories as much as we enjoy sharing them. So, at the urging of our loyal fans—and not without a modicum of devilish glee—we present for your enjoyment Uncle John’s Wonderful World of Odd, a collection of the strangest people, the most unusual animals, and the weirdest events you’ll ever witness. Stare with amazement at:
• The mysterious lake that “erupted”—and killed every living thing for miles around
• The chess championship that was almost lost—over a bathroom break
• Mannequins and the people who love them
• The wildest and weirdest insects: bizarre mouthparts, strange behavior, and real “bug juice” (not for the squeamish!)
You’ll see thrills and chills, tall tales, impossible aliens, royal weirdoes, bizarre conspiracy theories, and foods you’d probably rather read about than eat.
Many thanks to the menagerie of contributors to this odd endeavor, including the death-defying acts in the center ring: Amy “Monstrous” Miller, Barfin’ Brian Boone, John “The Juggler” Dollison, Too-Tall Thom Little, Julia Papps and Her Invisible Friends, and “Gentleman” Jay Newman.
Keep on reading. And as always,
Go with the Flow!
—Uncle John, Porter the Wonder Dog, and the BRI staff
STRANGE BANDS
There are thousands of musicians out there vying for radio airplay and your CD-buying dollar, so every band has to make itself stand out somehow. Here are some that rely on elaborate gimmicks.
THE FIRST VIENNESE VEGETABLE ORCHESTRA
This nine-member Austrian group plays instruments made completely out of fresh vegetables, including carrot flutes, eggplant drums, and a “gurkaphone” (a hollow cucumber with a carrot mouthpiece and green-pepper bell). At the conclusion of live performances, the Orchestra chops up its instruments and makes a soup, which is shared with the audience.
MAX Q
It’s the world’s only soft-rock band made up entirely of former astronauts. All six members flew on the NASA Space Shuttle in the 1980s and 1990s. They play mostly love songs about space and alienation. “Max Q” refers to the maximum air pressure experienced in the Shuttle moments after blastoff.
HORSE THE BAND
This American group plays super-fast, super-heavy versions of the instrumental music from 1980s-era Nintendo video games, such as Super Mario Brothers and The Legend of Zelda.
GWAR
The band dresses in elaborate rubber ogre and monster costumes and takes stage names like “Oderus Urungus,” “Flattus Maximus,” and “Beefcake the Mighty.” GWAR plays hard-driving heavy metal songs (such as “Maggots” and “Death Pod”). Their stage show includes staged deaths and buckets of fake vomit and blood that they throw at the audience.
MUSCLE FACTORY
First, the tank-top-and-spandex-shorts-clad sextet performs songs about weightlifting, such as “Pump to Failure” and “The Spotter.” Then they lift weights—on stage.
In the Ukraine, it’s considered good luck if you find a spider web on Christmas morning.
QNTAL
Qntal is a German trio that sings haunting, medieval-style ballads about all sorts of historical events in Latin and ancient German dialects. They’re backed with a thumping drum machine. The name Qntal came to a group member in a dream.
TRACHTENBERG FAMILY SLIDESHOW PLAYERS
It’s an old-fashioned family band! Dad Jason plays guitar and sings lead, teenage daughter Rachel plays drums and sings backing vocals, and mom Tina operates the slide projector. Why slides? Their songs are based on picture slides, bought at garage sales and thrift stores, which are projected along with the songs.
THE CANDY BAND
Four former Detroit rock musicians who became stay-at-home moms started this band to entertain their restless children. Their songs are punk-rock covers of nursery rhymes, classic children’s songs, and kiddie TV show theme songs. (The Candy Band has actually performed on the Today show.)
SUPER FURRY ANIMALS
Playing psychedelic/electronic pop, with many songs sung in Welsh, SFA is extremely popular in England. What makes them so weird? During live shows, the band members—using secret special-effects technology—slowly morph into furry, hulking Sasquatches.
ARNOCORPS
Heavily inspired by Arnold Schwarzenegger, the “pioneers of action-adventure hardcore rock and roll” pretend to be action-adventure movie heroes from the mountains of Austria. They sing fake autobiographical songs about what it’s like to be an Austrian he-man.
* * *
“Nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within ten years.”
—Alex Lewyt, vacuum cleaner company executive, 1955
The largest known bacterium can grow to the size of the period at the end of this sentence.
BIN LADEN IS A WOMAN!
…and other great (and real) tabloid newspaper headlines.
MAN REINCARNATED AS HIMSELF
Cubs Boost World Series Hopes With Holy Water
Man Takes Out Restraining Order Against Imaginary Friend
Gnomes of Death Lure Divers to Drowning Horror
Prune Juice Makes You Stupid
God’s Autograph Sells for $500 Million
NEBRASKA DOESN’T EXIST, SAYS AUTHOR
Blood-Sucking Dracula Squirrels Invade U.S.
New Study Says “Stitch in Time” Saves Only 8
GRIM REAPER TO RETIRE—PEOPLE WILL LIVE FOREVER!
World’s Oldest Woman Thrives on Lard and Booze
Jungle Tribe Worships Jay Leno’s Chin
Massive Loch Ness Monster Fart Swamps Tourist Boat
Earwax DNA Doesn’t Lie—Osama Bin Laden Is a Woman!
Mr. Rogers’ Ghost Terrorizing Children!
Beer Cans & Old Mattress Found on Mars
ALIENS TRAVEL TO EARTH FOR CHINESE TAKEOUT
VIKINGS WERE WIMPS!
Hair Space Alien Lives on Donald Trump’s Head!
Art Collector Buys Forged Art With Counterfeit Money
Scientists Clone Jerry Springer
Pope Has Super Powers!
CREDIT CARD EXPLODES WHEN GAL GOES OVER
LIMIT
A lynchobite is someone who works at night and sleeps during the day.
ODD, ODD WORLD OF
BASEBALL INJURIES
Major-league ballplayers are big, tough manly-men who cannot be felled by any mere mortal destructive force…except for ice packs, donuts, sunflower seeds, and handshakes.
• Catcher Mickey Tettleton of the Detroit Tigers went on the disabled list for athlete’s foot, which he got from habitually tying his shoes too tight.
• Wade Boggs once threw out his back while putting on a pair of cowboy boots.
• In 1993, Rickey Henderson missed several games because of frostbite—in August. He had fallen asleep on an ice pack.
• Ken Griffey Jr. missed one game in 1994 due to a groin injury. (His protective cup had pinched one of his testicles.)
• Atlanta pitcher John Smoltz once burned his chest. He’d ironed a shirt…while still wearing it.
• Sammy Sosa missed a game because he threw out his back while sneezing.
• While playing for Houston, Nolan Ryan couldn’t pitch after being bitten by a coyote.
• Marty Cordova of the Baltimore Orioles went on the injured list after burning his face in a tanning bed.
• Atlanta outfielder Terry Harper once waved a teammate home, then high-fived him. The act separated Harper’s shoulder.
• Pitcher Phil Niekro hurt his hand…while shaking hands.
• Milwaukee’s Steve Sparks once dislocated his shoulder attempting to tear a phone book in half.
• San Francisco Giants manager Roger Craig cut his hand “undoing a bra strap.”
• To look more menacing, Boston pitcher Clarence Blethen took out his false teeth during a game and put them in his back pocket. Later, while he was sliding into second base, the teeth clamped down and bit him on the butt.
• When the San Diego Padres won the National League West in 2005, pitcher Jake Peavy jumped on top of the celebration pileup. He fractured a rib and had to sit out the entire playoff series.
• Jose Cardenal missed a game for the Chicago Cubs because he had been kept awake all night by crickets chirping outside his hotel room.
• Kevin Mitchell of the New York Mets hurt a tooth on a donut that had gotten too hot in a microwave. On another occasion, Mitchell pulled a muscle while vomiting.
• Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs was on the disabled list after being diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. Cause of condition: too many hours spent surfing the Internet.
• Minnesota’s Terry Mulholland had to sit out a few games after he scratched his eye on a feather sticking out of a pillow.
• Pitcher Greg Harris was flipping sunflower seeds into his mouth in the Texas Rangers bullpen. It strained his elbow.