OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!
“Your books are the greatest I have ever read. The eternal struggle for reading material has finally been quenched!”
—Tucker J.
“Thank you for the Bathroom Readers. I no longer have to read the backs of my shampoo bottles. My husband and I read so much in the bathroom that we refer to it as ‘the study’. ”
—Charissa A.
“I’ve constructed a special shrine for my Bathroom Readers. I heard that people spend about ten months in the throne room during their lifetime. I’m sure, thanks to you, I’ll spend a couple of years.”
—William F.
“I want to thank you for the reply to my email. Even though I feel that my life is as exciting as they come, I was tremendously pleased when I checked my email and found that it was a personal reply. It makes me love the BRI even more.”
—Steve S.
“I found your website very commodious—quite easy to get a handle on. Frankly, I was bowled over, flushed actually, and almost fell off my stool when I discovered that Vol. 6 was not the end of your roll. I could barely keep the lid down! And the new books seem to have twice as many sheets as the prior ones—a seemingly endless supply of two-ply reading if ever there was one! Thank God there’s Uncle John to float us through tough times.”
—Uncle Harry Jr.
“I love the Bathroom Readers…I take them everywhere I go. Before I found the BRI, I was unpopular with the ladies; now that I’m a walking font of knowledge, they can’t keep their hands off me. Thanks!”
—Dwayne R.
“I was shopping and saw your book for the first time. I love trivia so I just threw one in the basket and continued shopping. I thought it would look good in the bathroom.
“Well, I started to read it and found myself looking forward to going there. Then I started taking it with me to the den. Now, I read it to my husband, and I share your stories with friends. I love the laughter. I love the way you make my mind hungry for more knowledge.”
—Debora K.
“Your books are such a CLASSY collection of information. I have become one of your bigger fans. You folks are GREAT!”
—John D.
“I love your material. I now have three of your books. Guests coming to my place can’t wait to use the facilities because of your books. In fact, I’m thinking that I might change the color scheme of my bathroom so it doesn’t clash with your books.”
—Darren McK.
“Just wanted to tell you I live to read your next book…love you guys! Thanks!”
—Missy H.
“I just wanted to let you know that I think the Bathroom Readers are fantastic! My husband got me two for my birthday. And then, being the terrific guy that he is and knowing how much I loved this kind of book, he continued to buy them for me until I owned every one. It’s almost as though these were books written especially for me.”
—Dafna H.
“Thank you for making something that makes me want to read. I have a short attention span, but the Bathroom Readers keep me reading. I’m on my third book! They’re the only books I’ve been able to read start to finish. I just want to say thank you, and please, don’t stop making books.”
—Michelle F.
Uncle John’s
Ahh-Inspiring
Bathroom
Reader
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
UNCLE JOHN’S AHH-INSPIRING
BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2002 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor.
All rights reserved.
For information, write
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
541-488-4642
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,
San Rafael, CA (Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp
Uncle John’s
Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader®
by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-462-9
E-book edition: November 2011
“Once you can accept the universe as matter
expanding into nothing that is something,
wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
—Albert Einstein
“Parliamentary Manners” by Scott Feschuk, Paul Mather, and Peter McBain as “Ask Miss Parliamentary Manners” in the National Post: This Week In Review, April 27, 2002. © National Post. Reprinted with permission.
“How to Toilet Train Your Cat” by Karawynn Long, found on her website www.karawynn.net/mishacat/toilet.
“Buried Treasure in the U.S.” from THE PEOPLE’S ALMANAC © 1975 by David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace. Reprinted with the kind permission of the authors.
Here are a few books the BRI’s Throne Room would be empty without:
Lies Across America, by James W. Loewen, and author of the bestselling Lies My Teacher Told Me. Copyright © 1999.
An Underground Education, by Richard Zacks. Copyright © 1997 by Richard Zacks.
Joke Stew: 1,349 More Hilarious Servings from Today’s Hottest Comedians, edited by Judy Brown. Copyright © 2000.
It’s a Conspiracy! by the National Insecurity Council, Copyright 1992 by Michael Litchfield; published by EarthWorks Press.
What’s the Number for 911? by Leland Gregory III Copyright © 2000. Andrews & McMeel Publishing.
A special thanks to some regular readers for submitting good stuff:
Max L. Israel
Sera Kirk
Gavin Sheehan
Joel & Wendy McNeil
Dean Bliss
Mike Schuster
Adam Brucker
Jonathan Gewirtz
Charles Surine
Roger Shaheen
David Whitman
Dee & Kellar Smith
Chris O’Rourke
Joe Gayeski
Janet K. Behning
Patte Rosebank
Aaron Allermann
Glen & Janese Granholm
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely
thanks the people whose advice and
assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Jennifer & Zipper
Jeff Altemus
Jay Newman
Julia Papps
Thom Little
Sharilyn Hovind
Michael Brunsfeld
Janet Spencer
Lori Larson
Sam Javna
Jim McCluskey
Maggie Javna
Jeff Cheek
Jesse Clark
Sharon Freed
Jess Brallier
Bryan Henry
Gideon Javna
Angela Kern
Allen Orso
Georgine Lidell
Dylan Drake
Bernadette Baillie
Paul Stanley
Jenny Baldwin
Barb Porsche
Paula Leith
John Javna
Mike Nicita
Claudia Bauer
H
azel Daniels
Teri Morin
William Coleman
Pat Perrin
Mustard Press
Scarab Media
Porter the Wonder Dog
Sydney Stanley
Marley & Catie Pratt
Thomas Crapper
KBRX Radio, for their part of this insanity: Scott Poese and Nicole Kennedy, Dog House Morning Show
“My life has no purpose, no direction, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?”
Charles M. Schulz
Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jessie!
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
*Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
BATHROOM NEWS
Short
Uncle John’s Medicine Cabinet
Medium
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Space Bathroom Alpha
Plumbers By the Hour
Pit Stops on the World Wide Web
Bathroom News
Long
Number Two’s Wild Ride
How to Toilet Train Your Cat
Pay As You Go
MYTH-AMERICA
Medium
Urban Legends
“A Good Example Is the Best Sermon”
Long
*Buried Treasure
CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS
Short
Wedding Superstitions
Happy Holidays
Future Imperfect
Domino Theory
Medium
Roll the Dice
Your Food Persona
AMERICANA
Short
Penny Wise
Medium
When the Big One Hit
After the Quake: The Heroes
Long
After the Quake: The Fire War
Does Your Couch Have Hairy Paws?
ANIMALS
Short
Shark Attack!
Pet Me
Good Dog
Bad Dog
Medium
Amazing Animals: The Opossum
Did You Know That Bees…
What’s All the Buzz About?
Humans of the Sea
A BLUNDERFUL LIFE
Short
Oops!
Desperately Seeking Approval
Medium
Oops!
Uncle John’s “Creative Teaching” Awards
Opening Lines
Dumb Crooks
Oops!
Dumb Crooks
More Opening Lines
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Great Scott!
Cliff’s Notes
Don’t!
Writing On the Wall
Shakes’s Takes
Homer VS. Homer
Just Joshing
Smarty Pants
The Miracle Worker
Salman Rushdie
Freedom’s Voice
Sage of the Sixties
In My Expert Opinion
Napoleon’s Code
Disraeli, Really
Smart Alecks
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Short
Old History, New Theory
Old History, New Theory
So You Want to Win a Nobel Prize
A Light in the Night
Name That City
Medium
Old History, New Theory
Queen of the Jail
The King of Cotton
Greetings From Earth
The Cotton War
Long
The “American System”
An Explosive Idea
For Posterity’s Sake
*The Rest of the Rest of the U.S.
CANADIANA
Short
A Note From Gander
Medium
Weird Canada
Parliamentary Manners
No Can(ada) Do
Gander
BUSINESS
Medium
Promotions That Backfired
Special Tips For Hiring Women
Caught In the Act
What’s On eBay
Funny Business
Memorable Moments in Marketing
Long
As Seen On TV
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
Canned Delicacy
Medium
Flunking the Pepsi Challenge
Banana Peels
Long
An A-Peel-ing History
THE REEL STUFF
Short
Hard Boiled
Medium
“I Spy”…At the Movies
Great Story…Just Change the Ending
Video Treasures
Box Office Bloopers
Long
The Cost of War (Movies)
*Rediscovered Treasure: Buster Keaton
TOYS/AMUSEMENTS
Short
It’s Slinky, It’s Slinky
The Saga of Silly Putty
The Magic Screen
Medium
The World’s First Video Game
Video Game Hall of Fame
Long
Let’s play Spacewar!
Let’s Play Pong!
The Rise and Fall of Atari
Mr. Gameboy
Let’s Play Nintendo!
MUSIC
Short
Elvis By the Numbers
Medium
International Elvis
Behind the Hits
Long
Has Anyone Seen My Stradivarious?
Secrets of the Stradivarius
Elvis By the Numbers
LAW & ORDER
Short
Court Transquips
Underworld Lingo
The Godmother
Phone Phunnies
Looney Laws
Phoning It In
Medium
Strange Lawsuits
Lemme Explain…
Did the Punishment Fit the Crime?
Benched!
Strange Lawsuits
Benched!
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
It’s a Weird, Weird World
Amazing Coincidences
The Incredible Shrinking Heads
A Room With a Fish
It’s a Weird, Weird World
Amazing Coincidences
Medium
Amazing Luck
Nature’s Revenge
It’s a Weird, Weird World
CONSPIRACY!
Short
A Famous Phony
A Famous Phony
Medium
Smells Like…Murder
Long
Death of a Princess
ORIGINS
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Around the House
One Good Turn Deserves Another
Medium
Mothers of Invention
Fads
Lost Inventions
Patently Absurd
The World’s First Disposable Diaper
Long
I Want to Ride My Bicycle I
I Want to Ride My Bicycle II
I Want to Ride My Bicycle III
Microcars
Short
The Ant and the Pigeon
Myth-Conceptions
Medium
The Tiger, the Brahman and the Jackal
How The People Got Beer
The Legend of Lincoln’s Ghost
Cruel Crane Outwitted
Long
Stranded!
PHRASES & WORD ORIGINS
&nbs
p; Short
Familiar Phrases
Twist Me Dizzy
Familiar Phrases
Medium
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
Word Origins
Word Origins
POP SCIENCE
Short
Human Hailstones
Ask the Experts
Medium
Ask the Experts
Invasion of the Frankenfish
Love at First Sight?
Rainforest Crunch
Ask the Experts
Mother Nature Is Out to Get You
POP-POURRI
Short
Is This Brain Loaded?
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
You Ain’t Got It, Kid
Know Your Ologies
The World’s Worst…
Tee-Shirt Wisdom
It’s Greek to Me
The Granny Quiz
Medium
Lucky Finds
New Vietnam
Underwear in the News
Houdini’s Secrets
Long
*A Restless Night
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Celebrity Favorites
Sorry Charlie
Medium
Famous for 15 Minutes
Celeb Lawsuits
Harry’s Headlines
Famous for 15 Minutes
THAT’S DEATH!
Short
Epitaphs
My Body Lies Over the Ocean
They Went That-A-Way
Medium
The Final Days of King Charles II
My Body Lies Over the Ocean
My End is Near
Long
TheyWent That-A-Way
Death…It’s A Living
Where There’s a Will…
POLITICS
Short
Weird Sentences
Politalks
Trust Me…
Trust Me…
Medium
Democracy In Action
Over My Dead Chicken
D.C. Follies
D.C. Follies
WORDPLAY
Short
“Here Speeching American”
Brainteasers
What Am I?
If They Married
Holy Punctuation
Headlines
Free Pork with House
Warning Labels
No City Dust Here
Wonton? Not Now
Tom Swifties
For Sale, Buy Owner
Redundancies
Fictionary
Yah-hah! Evil Spider Woman
BE A SPORT
Short
Golf Flubs
Cartwheel Kicks
Medium
He Slud Into Third
It’s a Racket
Wrestling Lingo
The Man in the Mask
Long
Lord Stanley’s Cup
The Strange Trail of the Stanley Cup
The Legend of Gorgeous George
TV OR NOT TV
Short
The Professor’s “Inventions”