UNCLE JOHN’S
CREATURE FEATURE
BATHROOM READER®
FOR KIDS ONLY
Copyright © 2010 by Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whasoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. “Bathroom Reader,”
“Bathroom Readers’ Institute,” and “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for Kids Only” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
Articles in this edition have been included from the following books:
Uncle John’s Wild & Woolly Bathroom Reader for Kids Only © 2005, Uncle John’s Strange & Scary Bathroom Reader for Kids Only © 2006, and Uncle John’s Under the Slimy Sea Bathroom Reader for Kids Only © 2007.
For information, write:
Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld
Illustrations by John Gaffey and Scott G. Brooks
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-667-8
E-book edition: September 2012
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READERS’ RAVES
From some of our favorite readers!
“OK, I’ll start by saying that Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers are probably the greatest idea since PB & J! My entire family reads your books. We share, we trade, then we have little sit-downs about the funniest article of the day.”
—Brad
“I’m 13 years old, and I’m a really big fan of your books. They rock!!!”
—Rachel
“I recently led my middle school team to second place in the ‘Optimist Brain Bowl.’ After every match, judges, teachers, and parents of the opposing team would come up to me, wondering how I knew so much. I simply smiled and said, ‘I’d like to thank Uncle John and the entire BRI staff.’”
—Jamie
“If I had to choose between Bathroom Readers or homework, Bathroom Readers would be what I would choose.”
—Wesley
“I love your books!!!! I can never go to the bathroom without my mom yelling at me because I take soooo long reading my Bathroom Readers!”
—Michael
TABLE OF CONTENTS
WILD & WOOLY
RUFF RUFF BARK BARK BOW WOW
Can You Hear Me Now?
Zombie Dog
Dumb Dog Tricks
Good Doggie!
War Heroes
Dumb Dog Tricks
Who Let the Dog Out?
Poodle Doo
Book Hound
Wolf Talk
Water Dogs
DOWN ON THE FARM
Old MacDonald Had a…
Fainting Goats
Udderly Ridiculous
And Speaking of Pigs…
Mad Cows
Cattle Call
Some Pig!
Another Mad Cow
FAMILY MATTERS
Rock-a-Bye Baby
Mom of the Year
Super Dads
What a Baby!
HERE KITTY KITTY
Felix the Cat
Here Kitty Kitty
Lion Tales
Animal News—Cats Predict Earthquake!
Homeward Bound
FURRY AND FAMOUS
Pets of the Famous (and Infamous)
Wags to Riches
Strongheart
Mister Ed
Royal Rides
Hollywood Hounds
History Makers
Morris the Cat
Smarty Jones
VIP’s VIPs
Meet Porkchop
Fond Farewells
MINI-MAMMALS
Rat Facts
More Rats
What Are They?
Q: What Is It???
A: It’s a Platypus!
I Vant to Suck Your Blood!
Going Batty
Animal News—Invasion of the Armadillos
Armor-dillos
MASSIVE MAMMALS
Big Kahuna!
Big Mouth
Buffalo Pals
Giraffe-a-mania
Talking Trees
’Roo
The Bear Facts
Snorkel Masters
They Never Forget
The Elephant and the Cowboy
Yikes, Stripes!
Gotta Go!
OUT OF THIS WORLD
Ghost Pets
Spirit Guides
Ghost Pets
Dreaming of Cats
RANDOM STUFF
Pampered Pets
Wild Medicine
The Nose Knows
Wassup?
You Better Run!
Frozen Foods
Q: Why Don’t Polar Bears Eat Penguins?
Yo, Dude!
Polar Plus
Pick the Weirdest Nose
Bright Ideas
MONKEYING AROUND
Ding Dong!
Going Ape!
Railroad Jack
More Zoo Stories
Exposed!
HA! HA!
Animal Crackers
Animal Crackers
Animal Crackers
WILD TAILS
Dumb Animal Tricks
Zoo Stories
Panda-monium
Animal News—Ham on the Lam!
Animals to the Rescue
The Great Escape
Animals to the Rescue
The One-Eyed Kangaroo
Fraidy Piggy
Animals to the Rescue
Channel Surfers
Horse Pucky
Animal News—Cat Wins Big!
Life on Easy Creek
I’m Back!
RECORD BREAKERS
And the Winner is
And the Winner is
And the Winner is
WORDPLAY
Run With the Pack
Animal Signs
Beastly Expressions
Look Who’s Talking
Name That Horse
Beastly Expressions
Wrong!
UNDER THE SLIMY SEA
FISHY FACTS
Fish Salon
And the Winner Is…
Mister Mom
Guess Who?
Woof! It’s a Whale
9 Amazing Fish Facts
Escape Artist
Speed Shark
INCREDIBLE TALES
Rubber Duckies Overboard!
Hey, Let Go of My Boat!
Message in a Bottle
Schoolboy Sailor
JUST FOR FUN
Hook, Line, and Sinker
Off the Deep End
Shark Jokes
Off the Deep End
Slimy Sea Movies
The Slimy “See”
ARRGH…PIRATES!
Sea Dogs
Madame Ching
Davy Jones’ Locker
Here Be Treasure!
MYTHS & LEGENDS
Real Monsters?
The Lost World
Gods of the Sea
Mermaids
SHARK ATTACK!
The World’s Safest Beach? Ha!
Shark Facts
Dumbo
“Me, Quit? Never!”
Shark Bait…Not!
More Shark Facts
“Ha! You Missed Me!”
SEA-LEBRITIES
Flipper
Scuba Do!
Free Will
y
EEEWWWWW!
It’s Slimy! It’s Disgusting! It’s a Hagfish!
Battle, Barf, and Bullion
Uncle John’s Ambergris Test
Snot Balls!
Globsters
Weird Seafood
TURTLE MANIA!
False Alarm
Amazing Journey
Turtle Times
Beach Traffic Jam
WATERY FACTS
Monster Waves
The “Deep” Woods
Down, Down, Wa-a-a-y Down
Water World
Surf’s Up—Way Up!
Diving Down
S.O.S
The Salty Sea
WET AND WEIRD
Is Sand Fish Poop?
The Bermuda Triangle
The Bloop
Stop That Lobster!
Ghost Ships
It Was Th-i-i-i-s Big!
Gentle Giants
It Was Th-i-i-i-s Big!
Killer Clams…Not!
DOLPHINS & WHALES
Dolphin Facts
Ocean Acrobats
Thar’ She Blows!
More Dolphin Facts
STRANGE CREATURES
Mr. Blobby
Gnarly Teeth
No Brain? No Problem
Spook(y) Fish!
Surfin’ Snails
Alien Invasion
Sea Squirt
Big Mouths
Fish Can Fly?
Don’t Bite Me!
AMAZING RESCUES
Stingray to the Rescue!
Dauntless Dolphin
Long-Armed Rescue
LAND AND SEA
Polar Opposites (North Pole)
Polar Opposites (South Pole)
Seals
The Largest Living Thing
ANIMAL GUIDES
Fierce Guardians
Follow That Fin!
Funghi
GAMES & QUIZZES
Sea Animal Quiz #1: What Is This Mysterious Giant?
Yo Ho Ho!
Swim School
Gnarly Teeth—The Quiz!
Sea Animal Quiz #2: Bathing Beauty?
STRANGE & SCARY
SCARE YOURSELF SILLY
How to Read Tea Leaves
Ghostbusting Tips
Make a Ouija
Spoon Bending
You’ve Got Mail
BODY WISE
Creepy Cures
Body by You
Body Parts
Taste the Music
Snooze Clues
IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD
Cabbage Patch Son
If the Shoe Fits
Revolting Records
Weird Underwear
Sold!
Dumb Crooks
Strange and Silly Records
Ridiculous Records
Party Animals
SPOOKY STUFF
Monster Lineup
King Tut’s Curse
How to Make a Mummy
Nevermore
Ghost Hunter
Got Ghosts?
Ghostly Hitchhikers
Vampire Basics
DID YOU KNOW?
Fear Factor
You’re My Inspiration
“86 the Bunpups!”
Warning!
Nature Is Strange
Alphabet Soup
Did You Know?
Number Madness
ONE-OF-A-KINDS
Wolf Man
Sleeping Beauty
The Traveling Pants
The Elephant Man
Lizard Man
Extreme Cases
Lawn-Chair Larry
HISTORY’S MYSTERIES
Hide and Seek?
Ta Moko
Packrats
Fashion Police
Babysitter Tops the Charts
Royal Pig Out
Royal Weirdos
GOOFY GAMES
Toy Stories
Weird World of Sports
Extreme Ironing
Ugly Is Beautiful
Brits and Their “Comps”
OH, YUCK!
Gag Me With a Sneaker
Ew! Gross!
Germ Warfare
Try It…You’ll Like It!
UNEXPLAINED
Spooky Spots
The Amityville Horror
The Henges
The Green Children of Woolpit
JUST FOR FUN
Dumb Jocks
Scary Jokes
Tongue-Tied Professor
The Who?
JUST FOR FUN-ERALS
Tombstone Tales
Ashes to Ashes?
Will Power
Pushing Up Daisies
A-Tisket, A-Tasket
Strange Deaths
The Last Word
SPACE CASES
Black Holes
UFO Crash Site
UFO Central
It Came From Way Out There
Crop Circles
The Sky Is Falling!
THAT’S AMAZING!
Whiz Kids
Double Trouble
Lucky Finds #1
Lost and Found
Amazing Coincidences
Lucky Finds #2
More Amazing Coincidences
More...Lost and Found
POTTY TIME
Potty Mouth
Flushed and Found
Potty On, Dude!
V-E-E-E-RY EERIE
Bad Ghosts!
The Haunted Painting
Disappearing Acts
Rice Porridge
Are You a Slider?
Photo Credits
THANK YOU
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute thanks those people whose help has made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
Jahnna Beecham
Malcolm Hillgartner
Amy Miller
John Gaffey
Scott Brooks
Michael Brunsfeld
Dale Champlin
Maggie McLaughlin
Jay Newman
Brian Boone
Thom Little
Julia Papps
Jeff Altemus
John Dollison
Melinda Allman
Christine DeGueron
Lisa Meyers
Amy Ly
Monica Maestas
Sydney Stanley
JoAnn Padgett
Dash and Skye
Scarab Media
Tom Mustard
Shobha Grace
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper
Intro-DOG-tion
Hiya, Kids!
Porter the Wonder Dog here. Uncle John asked me—his faithful pal—to write this introduction. What an honor! It’s almost as fun as chasing my own tail! (But not quite.)
I think you’re going to love this book. Why? Because it’s not a book—it’s three books in one! Uncle John went into the BRI vaults and gathered these great stories about creatures on the land, creatures in the sea, and creatures that go bump in the night. If you like whales, meerkats, ghosts, and weird people with hair all over their bodies, then sit down and get ready for hours of great bathroom reading.
Here’s Part One of Creature Feature:
Wild & Woolly!
On behalf of the entire BRI staff, happy reading.
And, as Uncle John always says,
Go with the Flow!
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Meet Jack the basset hound from Fulda, Germany. He’s got the longest dog ears in the world. And it’s official: Guinness World Records measured them at 33.2 centimeters each—over a foot long! According to his owners, Claudia and Carsten Baus, Jack’s ears flop into his food and water bowls. In fact, they’re so long that this lovable one-year-old has a hard time keeping them off the ground and often trips over them when he walks.
RAT FACTS
A rat can fall from a five-story building without getting hurt.
A rat can survive without water longer than a camel.
A group of rats is called a mischief.
Rats care for the injured and sick in their group.
Rats can’t vomit.
Rats sweat through the bottom of their feet.
A rat can tread water for three days.
Male rats are called bucks, females are called does, and babies are called kittens.
A rat’s fur smells like grape soda.
Rats pee as many as 80 times a day.
A rat can produce more than 25,000 droppings in a year.
A rat will grind its teeth when it’s happy.
Rats can dive 100 feet underwater.
Rats’ teeth grow five inches a year.
They gnaw constantly to wear them down.
ZOMBIE DOG
This tale shows you can’t keep a good dog down.
Sweetie was dead. Her owner, Glenda Stevens, was certain of it. Earlier in the day, she’d found the little dog’s lifeless body sprawled across the road near the family’s mailbox. Sweetie had been struck down by a delivery truck and her heart had stopped. Glenda was overcome with grief. She carried the limp body of the little dog to her backyard, dug a grave, and buried her.
Imagine Glenda’s shock when hours later, she looked out of her back window and saw two hind legs sticking out of the ground. Sweetie was trying to dig her way out of her grave!
Glenda rushed to help her pet and then took her to the vet. The vet said the dog had a broken leg and a broken jaw and it would probably be best to put her to sleep. Glenda absolutely refused. Sweetie had already died once. Why make her go through that again?
Instead, she brought the dog to a specialist who was able to put Sweetie back together (just like in the movie Frankenweenie).
PETS OF THE FAMOUS (AND INFAMOUS)
If you ruled the world, what kind of pet would you have?
CLEOPATRA (69–30 B.C.). The queen of Egypt loved her cat, Charmian, so much that she designed her makeup to look like her cat’s eyes.
KUBLAI KHAN (1215–1294). The Mongol emperor of China owned 5,000 mastiffs, the greatest number of dogs ever owned by one person.
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE (1769–1821). The emperor of France was deathly afraid of cats, but his wife Josephine had a pet orangutan that sat at her dinner table dressed in a coat.
PRESIDENT JOHN QUINCY ADAMS (1767–1848). He kept a pet alligator in the White House.