OUR READERS RAVE
Some books print fancy reviews written by fancy book critics. Borrring! At the BRI, we care more about what our faithful readers have to say.
“Hey BRI staff! I think your books are the greatest. I have only one book, but I want more—this is like my fifth time reading it. Thanks for being the best authors!”
—Jessica G., age 11
“You people in the BRI are great! I’m 12 years old from the Philippines and I really like your books! I started reading this summer and it really helped me a lot!”
—Diego de R., age 13
“I just finished your Bathroom Reader for Kids Only and I must congratulate you! There was so much interesting information! Kudos to Uncle John, Elbow Room, and all the hard workers at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute!”
—Jonny S, age 11
“I love your books so much that I find myself giving excuses to use the bathroom! Thank you BRI!”
—Kate, age 12
“I love your books! They are really educational. Even my mom reads them! Go with the flow!”
—Ally, age 10
“Your books are so awesome. My aunt bought me For Kids Only as a Christmas present, and I’m glad she did. I have not been able to put it down.”
—Amber Y., age 15
“I am 12 years old and I LOVE your books SOOOO flushing much!!!!!! They are the best.”
—Emily W., age 13
“Wow, you guys are awesome!!!!! I especially love the running feet. They keep me entertained for hours!! Thanks for the great reading material, and keep up the good work!!! I love you guys!!!”
—Shelly O’H., age 12
“I’ve learned so much from your books. I think you should start a homeschooling course (toilet-schooling?). The Bathroom Reader is more educational than school.”
—James B., age 12
“I love this stuff! I’m a third grade teacher, and I’m constantly looking for sources of material to get my kids interested in reading. I use your book to stimulate my kids in the morning.”
—Keith G.
“I’ve used your books to do essays, win contests, and even to do a book report (I got an A+ on it, thanks). My B-day is in March, and what I asked for was…a Bathroom Reader.”
—Jacob H., age 9
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
UNCLE JOHN’S TOP SECRET!
BATHROOM READER®
FOR KIDS ONLY
Copyright © 2004 by Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader,” “Bathroom Readers’ Institute,” and “Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for Kids Only” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
For information, write:
Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA (brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
Illustrations by
Andy Petersen
Uncle John’s Top Secret!
Bathroom Reader For Kids Only
by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-693-7
E-book Edition: September 2012
8 9 10 11 12 15 14 13 12 11
Top secret message from Elbow Room to Porter the Wonder Dog: “Arf!”
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute thanks those people whose help has made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
Jahnna Beecham
Malcolm Hillgartner
Thom Little
John Gaffey
Jay Newman
Brian Boone
Laura BlackFeather
Angela Kern
Sydney Stanley
Julia Papps
Paul Stanley
Rick Rebhun
Lisa Priber
Jeorgine Lidelle
Joe Diehl
Jeff Altemus
Jennifer
Lori Larson
Amy Briggs
Steven Style Group
Michael Brunsfeld
Sharilyn Hovind
Maggie McLaughlin
Bryan Henry
Scarab Media
John Dollison
JoAnn Padgett
Bernadette Baillie
Kristin Marley
Mana Manzavi
Allen Orso
Gideon and Sam
Kelly Padgett
Max Brunsfeld
Dash and Skye
John Javna
Dan Mansfield
Maggie Javna
Porter the Wonder Dog
Ollie Tidball
Thomas Crapper
* * *
“Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jesse!
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject:
Short—A quick read
Medium—2 pages
Long—3 to 5 pages (that’s not too long, is it?)
BOO!
Short
Medium
Ghost Town
Monster Match
Long
Ghosts in the White House
The Ghost of Number 17
TRY THIS AT HOME
Short
Changelings
Cooking with Uncle John
Medium
Games Rule!
Home Alone Games
EW…GROSS!
Short
Fugu!
Fart Proudly
Gassy Poetry
Ode to a Fart
Snot Rags
Fart Songs
Medium
Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms
Maggots
THE NAME GAME
Short
Familiar Names
Name That God
Familiar Names
Medium
Also Known As
Computer Speak
Named After a Kid
AMAZING KIDS
Medium
A Kid’s Choice
Richie’s Toys
Amazing Kids
Long
Wild Kids
Hot Shots
Kid Artists
AROUND THE WORLD
Short
Where’s the Potty?
Where’s the Potty?
Medium
The Great Pebble
Ice Hotels
Long
Seven Wonders of the World
Tut’s Treasure
ANIMAL CRACKERS
Short
Rescue Turtle
Hot Dawgs
Medium
Gullfriends
Pocket Pet
Long
Animal Antics
Fish Fright
Groovy Groundhogs
PIRATES!
Short
The Jolly Roger
Female Pirates
Medium
A Pirate’s Life
Pirate Style
Long
Famous Pirates
The Money Pit
GOOFY GROWNUPS
Short
Dumberer Crooks
Crazy Teachers
Looney Laws
Medium
Dumb Crooks
Mr. Eat-It-All
Long
Weird Jobs
Stunt Masters
V.I.P.s (VERY INTERESTING PEOPLE)
Short
Classical Kook
Uncle Sam
Medium
Lion Hunters
Long
Who Was Leonardo?
MATHEMAGICAL
Short
Math Magic
More Math Magic
DON’T TELL ANYONE
Medium
Secret Message
Invisible Ink
Long
Treasure Hunt
Secret Agent Woman
MEET YOUR BODY
Short
Body Talk
Navel Gazing
Medium
Belly Buttons
Body of Water
WATCH IT!
Short
Aye Caramba!
Medium
Scooby-Doo
Get Real!
Medium
The Wizard of Oops
POP SCIENCE
Short
Water World
Medium
The Write Stuff
Ask the Experts
Volcano!
Long
In the Future
Trek*nology
The Bean Car
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
Bite the Wax Tadpole
Weird News
I Saw the Potato
Medium
Amazing Coincidences
Back from the Dead
Long
Message In a Bottle
RECORD BREAKERS
Short
Record Breakers
Throne Awards
Record Breakers
Medium
The L-o-n-g-e-s-t
More “Longests”
Long
First Ladies
WILD WORLD OF SPORTS
Short
Hoop Stats
Medium
The Balloon Farm
Strange Sports
Dune Riders
Long
Hoop Dreams
Shoe
Tree Snorkeling
Jamaica Bobsled
PAGE TURNERS
Medium
Captain Underpants
Long
Lord of the Hobbits
The Alchemist
MYTHS & LEGENDS
Short
Lucky #7
Medium
It’s Abominable
Long
Mermaid Tales
Lost Continent
Bellerophon and the Magic Horse
What’s Your Sign?
THEY SAID IT
Short
Imagine That!
Wise Words
Straight Talk
Word Wizard
Into the Future
WORDPLAY
Short
Flyboy Slang
Word Play
Page of Sevens
Over and Out
Palindromes
Medium
Why We Say It
Acronym Quiz
TIME MACHINE: THE PAST
Short
Dumb Wars
Medium
Meet Me in St. Louis
“Hello Girls”
Long
Gladiators
Name that Tune
JUST FOR FUN
Short
Knock-Knock
Riddles
BEEEEEEP
Cell Phone Tag
Ghastly Humor
Reel Silly
QUIZ ANSWERS
RESOURCE GUIDE
* * *
PROGRESS
• In 1900 there were 55 independent countries in the world. Only 9 were based on democracy, and none had universal adult suffrage (meaning all adults can vote).
• By 2002 there were 192 independent countries in the world, 146 of them had some form of democracy, and 119 had universal suffrage.
GREETINGS FROM UNCLE JOHN
SECRET MESSAGE #1:
Hotel India Yankee Alpha, Kilo India Delta Sierra!
(To crack this code, turn to page 186.)
SECRET MESSAGE #2:
Yrgpi Nslr lew kew!
(To decode, turn to de page 63.)
Okay, now that all of that top secret stuff is out of the way, we can speak freely (a language spoken primarily by the people of Freedonia, and their leader, I. P. Freely). Hey, let’s face it: tons of books are really boooooring. So congratulations! You found one that isn’t!
This volume is packed with information about spies and secret codes—always good to know. But there’s a lot more: Uncle John’s Top Secret! Bathroom Reader For Kids Only will teach you how to bark orders like a fighter pilot (Put on that zoombag, nugget!) and talk like a pirate (Aarrrgh, matey!). You’ll find out who Uncle Sam was (Hooray for uncles!), what it was like to be a Roman gladiator, where to search for buried treasure, when the pyramids were built, why someone made a car out of beans, and how ice cream cones were invented. And that’s just the beginning.
We’re not sure why, but you guys keep asking for more gross stuff, and at the BRI we aim to please. So be prepared—there’s a LOT of gross stuff. How gross? We have a farting ghost, a guy who skips the toast and eats the toaster, the sticky history of snot rags, and a recipe for banana-worm bread. Not gross enough for you? One word: maggots. (Don’t say we didn’t warn you.)
And, as always, we’ve found a bunch of amazing kids—like the girl who inspired the world’s bestselling doll and the boy who was responsible for one of the most beloved books of all time. Plus kid inventors, kid fire-fighters, and a kid who collected 20,000 hats! And let’s not forget the poor girl whose amazingly loud fart caused an embarrassing false start.
So settle in and get ready for one of the best reads of your life. And even though it’s Top Secret, we won’t mind if you share what you’ve learned. Just remember:
Ks amxl xli Jpsa! Which means…
Go with the Flow!
—Uncle John and the BRI staff
(Thanks Jahnna, Malcolm, Thom, Julia, Jay, Maggie, John G., Brian, John D., Angie, Laura, and my talking dog, Elbow Room. You guys bark, er, rock!)
This page will self-destruct in 5…4…3…2…1…Kaboom!
Oops! We forgot to mention our Web site. It’s www.bathroomreader.com.
IMAGINE THAT!
Here’s what some great minds had to say about imagination.
“Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
—Albert Einstein, scientist
“Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.”
—Carl Sagan, scientist
“Imagination is the eye of the soul.”
—Joseph Joubert, French writer
“Imagination disposes of everything; it creates beauty, justice, and happiness, which are everything in this world.”
—Blaise Pascal, mathematician
“Everything you can imagine is real.”
—Pablo Picasso, artist
“What is now proved was once only imagined.”
—William Blake, poet
“The man who has no imagination has no wings.”
—Muhammad Ali, boxer
“Imagination is the beginning of creation.”
—G.B. Shaw, playwright
“There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you’ll be free if you truly wish to be.”
—Willy Wonka, chocolatemaker
Thphthptht! A giant anteater’s tongue is 2 feet long.
BODY TALK
Big, small, short, or tall—our bodies are amazing!
DID YOU KNOW?
&
nbsp; The human body has enough…
• water to fill a 10-gallon fish tank
• fat to make 7 bars of soap
• iron to make a 3-inch nail
• sulfur to kill all the fleas on 1 average-size dog
• carbon to make 900 pencils
• potassium to fire 1 toy cannon
• phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads
DID YOU KNOW?
You…
• blink 9,365 times a day
• fart 1 pint of gas every day
• use 17 muscles to smile
• use 43 muscles to frown
• shed 600,000 particles of skin every hour (by age 70 you’ll have shed 40 pounds of skin)
• can detect 10,000 different colors
• have 10,000 taste buds, which can identify more than 500 flavors
DID YOU KNOW?
In your lifetime, you’ll…
• grow 1,000 new skins (your outer skin cells regenerate every 27 days)
• drink 16,000 gallons of water
• make enough spit to fill 2 swimming pools (about 25,000 quarts)
• walk 100,000 miles
• grow 590 miles of hair
The moo-tric system? A cow’s moo was once used as a unit of distance in India.
DUMB CROOKS
So you think crime pays? Think again.
LOCKUP
The Crime: A Savannah, Georgia, man wanted to steal guns from the back of a squad car that was parked near a police station.
Gotcha! It was only after he climbed in that he realized his goof: the back doors of police cars lock automatically when someone gets inside. Cops arrested the would-be thief a few minutes later.
TWINKLE TOES
The Crime: Cornered by police in Charles City, Virginia, a drug dealer carrying 12 bags of cocaine ran into a forest to escape. The trees were so thick, he was certain the police would lose him.
Gotcha! The crook must have forgotten he was wearing sneakers equipped with little lights that flashed every time he took a step. All the cops had to do was follow the blinking lights through the forest—straight to the drug dealer.
COVER ME!
The Crime: A person walking by a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota, was stopped by a man who needed a favor. The man casually informed the passerby that he planned to rob the store but needed a disguise. Then he gave the person a dollar to go inside and buy him a scarf to cover his face.
In Tibet, it is considered good manners to stick your tongue out at guests.
Gotcha! The bystander took the dollar, went inside the convenience store…and called the police.