Uncle John’s
LEGENDARY
LOST
BATHROOM
READER®
The Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
UNCLE JOHN’S
LEGENDARY LOST
BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 1999 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute”
are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor, Inc.
All rights reserved.
For information, write the Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld
Brunsfeld Designs, brunsfeldo@comcast.net
Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader®
by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 99-095363
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-670-8
Twenty-first Printing: May 2012
25 24 23 22 21 12 13 14 15 16
Uncle John’s Fifth Bathroom Reader
“Real-Life Songs,” “The ‘Wild Thing’ Story,” “One Hit Wonders,” “The Singing Chipmunks,” and “Translated Hits” originally appeared in BEHIND THE HITS. Copyright © 1986 by Bob Shannon and John Javna. Reprinted by permission of the authors.
“The Honeymooners,” “The Adventures of Superman,” and “And Now For Something Completely Different” originally appeared in CULT TV. Copyright © 1985 by John Javna. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Excerpts from THE LITTLE BOOK OF BOSTON PARKING HORRORS. Copyright © 1986 by Michael Silverstein and Linda Elwood, published by Silverwood Publications. Used with permission of the authors.
“Nixon’s the One?,” “The S&L Scandal: True or False?,” “The Death of Jim Morrison,” “The Death of Warren G. Harding,” “Is Elvis Alive?,” and “Who Killed Malcolm X?” originally appeared in IT’S A CONSPIRACY!, by the National Insecurity Council. Copyright © 1992 by Michael Litchfield; published by EarthWorks Press. Reprinted by permission of the publisher.
Excerpts used in “Meet Your Commie Masters” from WHAT TO DO WHEN THE RUSSIANS COME. Copyright © 1985 by Robert Conquest and John Manship White. Reprinted by permission of University Press.
“Buy American” reprinted from BUY AMERICAN—BUY THIS BOOK. Copyright © 1992 by Eric Lefcowitz; published by Ten Speed Press. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Uncle John’s Sixth Bathroom Reader
“Reader’s Article of the Year” excerpted from THE POWER OF POSITIVE NONSENSE, by Leo Rosten; published by McGraw Hill. Copyright © 1977. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The King of Farts” reprinted from IT’S A GAS: A STUDY OF FLATULENCE, by Eric S. Rabkin, Ph.D., and Eugene M. Silverman, M.D., Manticore Books: 3644 Creekside Dr., Ann Arbor, MI 48105.
“Twisted Titles” originally appeared in the June 1993 and in 1994 issues of CALIFORNIA MONTHLY, published by the California Alumni Association. Reprinted by permission of the California Alumni Association.
Selections from Prime Time Proverbs, by John Javna & Jack Mingo, copyright © 1989, reprinted by permission.
TV Theme Song Trivia originally appeared in The TV Theme Song Sing-Along Songbook, by John Javna. Copyright © 1984. Used by permission of the author.
J. Edgar Hoover and the Red Menace, The Death of Vicki Morgan, Reefer Madness, and Who Killed Marilyn? originally appeared in It’s a Conspiracy, by the National Insecurity Coucil. Copyright © 1992 by Michael Litchfield. Used by permission of Earthworks Press.
The Avengers originally appeared in Cult TV, by John Javna. Copyright © 1985. Used by permission of the author.
Uncle John’s Seventh Bathroom Reader
The article, “There’s No Such Thing as Smelly Feet,” by Teo Furtado is reprinted by permission of HEALTH magazine. Copyright © 1993.
Excerpts reprinted with permission from “Diamond Voodoo,” by Jack Connelly. Copyright © 1994 by Jack Connelly. Reprinted with permission.
“True Lies: Sweetened with Fruit Juice” originally appeared as “Stripped Juice Tease: Ingredients in Fruit Juice Are Not What’s on the Label,” by Stephen Schmidt in the NUTRITION ACTION HEALTHLETTER. Reprinted by permission.
Excerpts reprinted from AMERICA AT RANDOM: A Multiple Choice Self-Quiz on Everything You Always Wanted to Know About American History...from Paul Revere to Grover Cleveland to The Wright Brothers, by Jerome Agel. Copyright © 1983. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Excerpts from IT’S A CONSPIRACY! by The National Insecurity Council. Copyright © 1992 by Michael Litchfield; published by EarthWorks Press. Reprinted by permission of EarthWorks Press.
Excerpts from BLAND AMBITION: From Adams to Quayle—The Cranks, Criminals, Tax Cheats, and Golfers Who Made It to Vice President. Copyright © 1992 by Steve Tally. Reprinted by permission.
Excerpts from POPE-POURRI, by John Dollison. Copyright © 1992. Reprinted by permission of the author.
Welcome to the Outer Limits originally appeared in Cult TV, by John Javna. Copyright © 1985. Used by permission.
THANK YOU
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
John Javna
Gordon Javna
Michael Brunsfeld
John Dollison
Jennifer & Sage
Jeff Altemus
Jay Newman
Sharilyn Hovind
Jack Mingo
Erin Barrett
Paul Stanley
Lonnie Kirk
Julie Roeming
Bennie Slomski
Nenelle Bunnin
Hi, Emily and Molly Bennett
Julie Bennett
Claudia Bauer
Larry Kelp
Peter Wing
Kelly Rogers
Ross Owens
Leo Rosten
Russel Schoch
Penelope Houston
Andrea Sohn
Lenna Lebovich
Mustard Press
Eric Lefcowitz
Jesse & Sophie, B.R.I.T.
...and all the
bathroom readers
A WORD FROM
UNCLE JOHN
This book is a special edition, created for the thousands of fans who’ve called or written over the years trying to get copies of our Fifth, Sixth, or Seventh Bathroom Readers. Usually they tell us that they’ve looked in a number of stores, and even tried to order them. Sometimes they ask if the books really exist—or if we’ve just been playing games with them. For those folks, this really is the Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader.
The books do exist...But for years they’ve been next to impossible to find in bookstores. Here’s why:
As you probably know, we’ve put out one new Bathroom Reader each year since 1988. The first four 220-page books were published by St. Martin’s Press. Then, in 1992, we decided to take over the publishing ourselves. We found a great printer (Banta), a distributor who could get our books into stores (Publishers Group West, or PGW)...and the Bathroom Readers’ Press was born.
Thanks to enthusiastic readers, we were successful right away. Nearly every copy of Uncle John’s Fifth Bathroom Reader sold out in 1992. We were on a roll...but we still had a lot to lea
rn. When PGW asked us to reprint the book, so they could fill the thousands of new orders they were getting, we just ignored them; we were busy writing our new edition, and thought that was more important. PGW didn’t push the issue—they figured we were a little eccentric anyway.
So there were no new copies to ship.
The same thing happened in 1993 with Uncle John’s Sixth Bathroom Reader and in 1994 with Uncle John’s Seventh Bathroom Reader.
In the end, the three books were never reprinted.
A NEW ATTITUDE
In 1995, the BRI moved to Ashland, Oregon. We decided to take the publishing business more seriously, and made a series of changes. For example, we stopped numbering the book titles, so people wouldn’t feel compelled to read them in order...and we made the Bathroom Readers longer, so they’d last a whole year. We started doing reprints of our latest books, too. (There have now been 10 editions of our 1995 volume, The Best of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader.)
We’re happy to say that our books are getting more popular all the time. One of the offshoots of our growing readership is an interest in the older volumes.
Until recently, we could usually help the most insistent fans by scrounging a copy of one the Fifth, Sixth, or Seventh BR from somewhere. But now we’re completely out. Not a single one can be found anywhere...so we’ve decided to finally give in, and reprint them. This single volume contains the text of all three books.
We’ve made a few changes—spelling and punctuation have been corrected whenever possible, and some of the running feet that were ridiculously outdated have been replaced. There are also a few replacement articles. But we’ve resisted the impulse to rewrite everything. These are reprints after all, and the important thing is simply to make them available—warts and all.
Looking at them now, 6 to 8 years after they were written, we can see that the books have a somewhat uneven quality. Some of our favorite pieces are included here...but so are a few things we’d rather forget about.
Overall, however, we’re proud of the material. We think this volume—our biggest ever—is a lot of fun and great bathroom reading. And that’s what counts, after all. Enjoy it...
and
Go With the Flow!
CONTENTS
NOTE
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject:
Short—A quick read
Medium—1 to 3 pages
Long—For those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
POP SCIENCE
Short
One Nuclear Bomb Can Ruin Your Whole Day
Colors
Colors
Vive la Difference!
Medium
The Plumber’s Helper
Accidental Discoveries
Spaced Out
People-Watching
Caffeine Facts
Scratch ’n’ Sniff
Left-Handed Facts
More Left-Handed Facts
More People-Watching
What Is Hypnotism?
The Fingerprint File
To Tell the Truth
The Bermuda Triangle
Long
In the Blink of an Eye
Eat Your Vitamins!
Mummy’s the Word
Why Your Feet Smell
The Strange Fate of the Dodo Bird
QUIZZES
Short
What Does It Say?
Aunt Lenna’s Puzzles
Aunt Lenna’s Puzzles
Aunt Lenna’s Puzzles
Acronymania
Test Your “Beverly Hillbillies” IQ
The Numbers Game
MYTH AMERICA
Medium
The Myth-Adventures of Christopher Columbus
The Truth About the Panama Canal
The Myth-Adventures of Thomas Edison
Myth America
Myth America
Myth America
Myth America
END OF THE WORLD
Medium
A Handy Guide to the End of the World (Part I)
A Handy Guide to the End of the World (Part II)
A Handy Guide to the End of the World (Part III)
THE PERSONAL COLUMNS
Short
The Elvis Sideshow
Dubious Achievers
Men of Letters
Sibling Rivalry
Fun With Elvis
Rumors
Rumors
Mama Mia!
Revenge!
Medium
Famous for 15 Minutes
It’s a Miracle!
The Dustbin of History
Unsung Superheroes
Meet Dr. Seuss
Controversial Characters
Famous for 15 Minutes
The World’s Most Popular Twins
Barnum’s History Lesson
The Singing Nun
Cloudmaster Elvis
Famous for 15 Minutes
The Flying Nun
“Fortunate” Sons
Elvis: Top Gun
Long
Reader’s Article of the Year
The King of Farts
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
10 Candy Bars You’ll Never Eat
(Junk) Food for Thought
Candy Bits
The TV Dinner
Medium
A Slice of Life
A Food Is Born
Cold Foods
A Food Is Born
What Is SPAM?
THE LEGAL SYSTEM
Short
Looney Laws
Grounds for Divorce
International Law
Medium
Order in the Court!
Strange Lawsuits
The Cadaver Synod
Strange Lawsuits
More Strange Lawsuits
Incompetent Criminals
Long
Famous Trials: The Witches of Salem
Famous Trials: Henry Ford vs. The Chicago Tribune
WORDPLAY
Short
Definitions
Tang Twusters
Madam, I’m Adam
Cowboy Talk
Wordplay
Oxymorons
Limericks
English / Japanese Words
Blotto, Looped, Fried
Twisted Titles
Twisted Titles
Limericks
WORD & PHRASES
Familiar Phrases
Everyday Phrases
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
Famous Phrases
Familiar Phrases
Familiar Phrases
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
Word Origins
THE NAME GAME
Short
What’s In a Name?
Familiar Names
State Your Name
Patron Saints
You’re My Inspiration
Familiar Names
Basketball Names
Myth-Pronunication
Cartoon Names
If Heartaches Were Wine
Brand Names
A Gaggle of Geese
Name Your Poison
Medium
Western Nicknames
The Months of the Year
Long
Silly British Village Names
IT’S A CONSPIRACY
Short
Caveat Emptor
Medium
Nixon’s the One?
The S&L Scandal: True or False?
Sweetened With Fruit Juice?
Little Nariyah’s Tale
Long
Who Killed Malcolm X?
Reefer Madness
Who Killed Marilyn?
; True Lies: The Tonkin Incident
Who Helped Hitler?
BUSINESS NEWS
Short
Made In America?
Three Memorable Sales Promotions
The Latest Thing
Fabulous Flops
Medium
Fabulous Flops
Give Yourself Some Credit
Promotions that Backfired
Lloyd’s of London
PRIMETIME PROVERBS
Short
Primetime Proverbs
Primetime Proverbs
Primetime Proverbs
Primetime Proverbs
Primetime Proverbs
Primetime Proverbs
Primetime Proverbs
Primetime Proverbs
POP HISTORY
Short
Parking Meter Trivia
Who Were Harley & Davidson?
Everyday Origins
Great Cars of Yesteryear
Look It Up!
Medium
What, Me Worry?
The Rock ’n’ Roll Riots of 1956
Family Holidays
Condom Sense
The Goodyear Blimp
The Whole Tooth
MTV Facts
First Reports
Origin of the “Big Three” Networks
The Toughest Town in the West
The Pencil
How to Take a Shower-Bath
POP-POURRI
Short
Where-ing Clothes
Happy Birthday!
A Toy Is Born
That’s a Load of Garbage
Lucky Strikes
Three Weird Medical Conditions
Medium
Pretty Flamingos
Innovations in Your Home
Start Your Own Country
Wedding Superstitions
Oops! Part 1
Money Facts
Oops! Part 2
The Genuine Article
The Grimm Philosophy
Diamond Voodoo
Knitting with Dog Hair
The Birth of the Comic Book
Oops! Part 3
Bad Hair Days
Pet Fads
The Jeep Story
The Barney Story
The Naked Truth
Building the Pentagon
To Shave, or Not to Shave
Long
Who Wrote Shakespeare’s Plays?
Dave Barry’s Embarrassing Moments
The Mona Lisa
It’s a Miracle!
CHILDHOOD WISDOM
Short
Go Ask Alice