by the Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
UNCLE JOHN’S THE ENCHANTED TOILET BATHROOM READER® FOR KIDS ONLY
Copyright © 2012 by Bathroom Readers’ Press
(a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” is a federally registered trademark of Bathroom Readers’ Press. “Uncle John” is a trademark of Bathroom Readers’ Press.
For information, write:
Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover concept by John Gaffey.
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA
(Brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
Cover illustration by John Gaffey and Michael Brunsfeld.
Interior design by Helen Robinson.
Folio illustration by Patrick Merrell.
eISBN: 978-1-60710-697-5
E-Book edition: August 2012
READERS RAVE
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Some books print fancy reviews written by fancy book critics. Borrring! At the BRI, we care more about what our faithful readers have to say.
“The Bathroom Readers are the most interesting and coolest things around. You guys should win an award!!!”
—Jennifer S.
“I inadvertently stole one from my teacher. (Sorry Mr. Mont!) I got hooked, my family got hooked, and now I have my nieces and nephews hooked!”
—Michael C.
“I remember reading the first Bathroom Reader as a kid, and learning that Barbie had a last name. (Roberts!)”
—Katie F.
“I love your books! I have eleven books. I take them to school and everyone loves to read them.”
—Andrew S.
“Waassssuuuupppp! I just wanted to shout out to all the cool dudes and chicas working on the Bathroom Reader staff! I became totally addicted to the BRs last year when my mom gave the thirteenth edition to my dad for Christmas! My life hasn’t been the same since!”
—Kim B.
THANK YOU
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The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
Kim T. Griswell
Trina Hedgpeth
Jay Newman
Brian Boone
Michael Brunsfeld
Rich Wallace
Carly Schuna
Kelly Milner Halls
Nancy Coffelt
John Gaffey
Valeri Gorbachev
John O’Brien
Will Strong
Michelle R. Weaver
Patrick Merrell
Joan M. Kyzer
J. Carroll
Melinda Allman
True Sims
JoAnn Padgett
Monica Maestas
Mana Monzavi
Annie Lam
Sydney Stanley
Lilian Nordland
Ginger Winters
Jennifer Frederick
RR Donnelley
Publishers Group West
The Evo’s Gang
Thomas Crapper
TABLE OF CONTENTS
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CASTLES & KINGDOMS
Moat, Moat...What’s in the Moat?
Take That!
Musical Ghosts
Real-Life Princesses
The Well-Dressed Knight
BOOK MAGIC
Wizard Schools
U.J.’s Guide to Enchanted Places
The Boy Who Loved Dragons
And the Magic Number Is
Grim Tales from the Brothers Grimm
DRAGONS & KNIGHTS
Dragon Domains
Everyday Knight Facts
Dragon Sightings
Sir John’s Guide to Taming Your Dragon
ENCHANTED HISTORY
Confucius and the Unicorn
Make Mine Mead
Confucius Said
King Arthur’s Mystical Isle
FABULOUS FAIRIES
Odd Fairy Lore
Fairy Surprises
Disappearing Fairy Finger Puppets
Fairy-Dust Wishes
Do You Believe?
Fairy Identification Guide
GIGGLES & RIDDLES
Castle Crackups
Riddle Me This
The White Queen’s Riddle
Fairy-Tale Tongue Twisters
Confucius Didn’t Say
Mother Goosed
Witch Wit
GRAPHIC TALES
Little Miss Muffet
Three Silly Huntsmen (on Safari)
Jack and the Bean Dog
The Tall Tall Tower
The Fairy Hedgehog
Cockroach and the Household Pests
Three Silly Huntsmen (Go Fishing)
The Enchanted Toilet
Bet and the Beauty
The Hairstory of Rapunzel
Cider Ella
Chicken Big
Three Silly Huntsmen (at the North Pole)
MAGICAL CREATURES
Beastly Origins
Little-Known Little Folk
Burn, Birdie, Burn
Know Your Mythical Beasts
MAGICAL MISCHIEF
Gremlins’ Guide
Wizard Headgear
Play Ogre Oblivion
Ridiculous!
The Wandmaker’s Workshop
How to Bamboozle a Troll
A Pox Upon Thee!
THE SECRET ARTS
How to Make a Wish
Bag of Runes
Color Power
Who’s Scrying Now?
Movie Magic
In a Trance
Bathroom Readers’ Tarot
Tell Fortunes with Runes
Secret Arts of the Ninjas
STRANGE SCIENCE
Fun Facts About Farts
Turn Lead into Gold!
Vanishing Cloak
Alchemical Facts and Fakes
Color Alchemy
Common Cents
TWISTED TALES
Three Mooned Mice
Goldilocks and the Three Puffer Fish
The Pudding-Cake Man
The Shoemaker and the Elvis Impersonators
The Three Little Jackalopes
Hoard It! The Tooth Fairy
The Legend of Bluebeard
The Fairy Gamemaster
The Fart King
K-9ery Row
Socked In
Stinking Beauty
Outfoxed!
The Loch Ness Prankster
The Wolf Girl
The Milkmaid’s Halloween
Dumb Cluck
The Boy Who Cried Celebrity
The Pie Piper
Rotten Robin and His Scary Wrens
The Hare’s Side of the Story
The Princess and the Peashooter
Tikki Tikki Who?
Magically Delicious
The Emperor’s New Underwear
The Platypus Prince
Ali Baba and the Forty Steves
WARTS & WIZARDS
A Visit to the Witch Doctor
Brazil’s Forest Guardians
Soccer Sorcery
Ha! Craven Knight!
Witches’ Brews
Hogwarts: An Insider’s Guide
Weird Wizards
Who Was that Merlin Guy, Anyway?
Witch Hunts
Have Broom, Will Travel
Enchanted Education
YUM’S THE WORD
A Witchy Snack
Syllabubble, Without the Trouble
The Magic Teakettle
Treats to Catch a Leprechaun
How to Attract an Elf
ANSWER PAGE
For Checking (or Peeking)
Meet Jack and the Bean Dog on page 52.
ENCHANTED GREETINGS FROM UNCLE JOHN
Not long ago, in a little red house not far away (if you live in Oregon), I nodded off in my chair and started to dream. Because very odd things happen in dreams, I fell into a fractured fairy tale about the three little pigs. (For you history buffs, the actual cartoon aired in 1961 on The Bullwinkle Show.)
AND NOW, BACK TO MY DREAM...
I hid behind the door as a messenger delivered a singing telegram to three plump pig sisters. “Put on the skillet. Put on the lid. Your rich uncle just wound up dead!” sang the messenger. The pig sisters celebrated being rich beyond their wildest dreams by building fancy houses. And I laughed so hard I fell out of my chair and landed on my head. “Eureka!” I shouted. “Totally twisted fairy tales!”
A few seconds later, a wizard knocked on the front door. Before I could say “Stop waving that wand at m—” the book you’re holding in your hands—The Enchanted Toilet—went from an idea in my throbbing head to...the book you’re holding in your hands.
By now, you may be wondering: Why is Uncle John babbling on about his dreams and a wizard and an enchanted toilet? Good question! It’s because this is not your usual Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for Kids Only. Flip through the pages and you’ll find dragon lairs, wizard schools, edible eyeballs, gremlins, and a Chinese philosopher talking to a unicorn. You’ll also find more than two dozen totally twisted fairy tales, plus thirteen fully illustrated graphic twisted tales. And they’re all guaranteed to make you laugh hard enough to fall off whatever throne you’re sitting on and land on your…head.
By the way, that annoying little fairy flitting around the page? That’s the fart fairy. If anything in this book really stinks—the jokes, for example—it’s his fault. He flew in through the bathroom window and started zapping one page after another. We couldn’t stop him, so we turned him into a game called “Find the Fart Fairy.” To play, all you have to do is count how many times the fart fairy appears in the book. Then turn to page 286 and discover your reward. (No peeking, or I’ll send the fart fairy to your house.)
May all your toilets be enchanted…
Go with the flow!
—UNCLE JOHN
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A few chuckles from the medieval kings of comedy.
Q:Why did the prince hate math class?
A:Because he had to cram-a-lot.
Q:Why did Sir Sleepy buy a new horse?
A:His old horse was a knight mare.
Q:Why did the king fall off his chair?
A:He was throne for a loop.
Q:What do you call a knight who can’t stop emailing?
A:Sir Spam-a-lot.
Q:What was Merlin’s favorite school subject?
A:Spelling.
Q:Sir Gallopsalot rode to the castle on Friday, stayed three days, and then left on Friday. How was that possible?
A:His horse’s name was Friday.
Q:Why did Prince Practical have holes in his undies?
A:So he could get his feet through them.
Q:Which six letters did the queen mutter when she saw that the royal treasury was bare?
A:“O-Y-R-U-M-T?”
Q:What did the dragon say when it saw knights guarding the castle?
A:“Oh, no! Canned food.”
ODD FAIRY LORE
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When it comes to fairies, people will believe almost anything. Here are some of the stranger documented beliefs.
οFairies protect nature and grant favors to humans who are kind to animals and use nontoxic cleaning supplies.
οFairies collect treasures humans lose. One kind of fairy specializes in drains. Drain fairies tend to be smelly, but they have huge collections of rings, earrings, and contact lenses.
οBlinks are fairies for the modern world. Blinks believe that every machine has a creature trapped inside it, forced to serve its human owners. Their job? To free the creatures. (So if your computer stops working…)
οFairies consider the word “fairy” an insult. Using the word has led to shipwrecks, baby kidnappings, and an outbreak of mad cow disease. These names are “safe” to use: the hill people, the gentry, the wee folk, the good neighbors, and the people of peace.
οPassing troops of fairies cause whirlwinds. They can carry away souls, crops, and people. If you spot a whirlwind, lie down on the ground until it passes.
οFart faires cause methane gas levels in drinking water to rise. In Texas, a water safety official is rumored to have said, “We have never had a documented case of water contamination from a fart fairy.”
THREE MOONED MICE
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An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale
THREE LITTLE MOUSE BROTHERS were fed up with the farmer’s wife. She was scary and mean and needed a taste of her own medicine. “Let’s nibble off her toes!” said the first mouse brother.
“That’ll teach her,” agreed his two brothers.
“Stay away from that woman,” their mother warned. “She carries a carving knife wherever she goes, and she loves to use it on mice.” She scissored two fingers together. “Snip! Snip! There go your tails.” The mouse mother tucked her little ones into their nest in the wall behind the kitchen pantry. Then she kissed their whiskery cheeks. “Just leave that nasty old hag alone.”
It was true. The three mouse brothers had seen pink stumps where the tails of careless mice had once been. They would have to be very careful.
“We need a plan,” one brother said.
“A safe one!” said the second.
“We need a place where she won’t bring the knife,” said the third.
“I know!” said the first mouse. “The shower! We can sneak up to the bathroom and ambush her there.”
“Perfect!” said the third mouse.
“She’ll never expect it!” said the second.
“What could go wrong?” squealed the first.
The three mouse brothers crept quietly from the nest. They scampered through the walls and scaled the water pipes to the second-floor bathroom. Then they climbed through a mousehole onto the tiled floor.
The farmer’s wife was already in the shower. Steam filled the room. The three mice crept forward on silent mouse paws. But just as they whipped open the shower curtain, the farmer’s wife dropped the soap and bent over to pick it up.
“Help!” cried the first mouse, blinded by the full moon of the farmer’s wife’s backside.
“My eyes!” cried the second.
“I can’t see!” cried the third.
The three blinded mice scrambled to escape. They raised such a clatter they didn’t hear the farmer’s wife exit the shower and reach for her carving knife. Thunk! The knife slammed down on the floor, slicing into a tile.
“Run!” shouted the first mouse.
They pinged and ponged around the room, trying to find the mousehole. Just as the knife started to come down again, they tumbled through the opening, narrowly escaping with their tails—and their lives.
“Have you ever seen such a sight in your life?” asked the first mouse brother as they crept back into the nest.
“Never,” said the second.
“Thank goodness we’re blind,” said the third. “We won’t ever have to see it again.”
THE END
WIZARD SCHOOLS
&nbs
p; ..........................
Did J.K. Rowling steal the ideas for Harry Potter? Probably not, but these fictional wizard schools existed long before Hogwarts, and the details sound…awfully familiar.
THE UNSEEN UNIVERSITY
In 1983, fourteen years before Harry got his invitation to Hogwarts, author Terry Pratchett created the Unseen University for his Discworld novels. One character is a budding wizard with rumpled black hair who wears round black glasses. (Hmm…)
The professors at the Unseen University are lazy, inept old wizards who like to gossip and eat a lot. In fact, people regularly donate food to the school. Why? They want to keep the daft old magicians too full to move. That way they won’t be tempted to rip holes in reality. The school’s motto? “Eta Beta Pi” (Eat a Better Pie).
THE ARCHMAGE’S SCHOOL
Ursula K. Le Guin’s A Wizard of Earthsea was published in 1984. The story follows a young magician named Ged who arrives at the Archmage’s school on the island of Roke. Ged has a chip on his shoulder and a seriously swollen ego. After all, he can conjure up storms, transform himself into a hawk, split rock, and even talk to dragons. To impress the other students, Ged summons a spirit, but his plan backfires. The evil shadow overpowers him, and the Archmage must step forward to drive it away. The headmaster is so weakened by the battle that he dies. (Hmm, that also sounds familiar.)
WIZARD’S HALL
What about this story line? A shy boy named Henry heads off to Wizard’s Hall, where the pictures on the walls actually move. Henry befriends a red-haired boy and a brilliant studious girl, goes awry with some of his early spells, and rises to excellence in a battle against an evil wizard and his soul-stealing beast. Henry’s not an orphan; his mother sends him to Wizard’s Hall. And he’s not “the chosen one,” merely one of 113 talented wizards called to battle the evil wizard, Nettle. Still, author Jane Yolen published Wizard’s Hall in 1991, six years before Harry Potter set off for Hogwarts.
THE WRITING WIZARDS SPEAK
•Terry Pratchett says: “As soon as the Harry Potter boom began, journalists who hadn’t read a children’s book in years went, ‘Wow, a wizards’ school! Wow, broomstick lessons!’ I, of course, used a time machine to ‘get the idea’ of Unseen University from Hogwarts.”