Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader
Bathroom Readers Institute
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Uncle John’s
UNSTOPPABLE
BATHROOM
READER
By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!
“Thank you for helping me get an ‘A’ in my college speech class. We had to do an impromptu tribute speech and I chose Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for my subject. I actually made my professor laugh all through the speech.”
—CeCe R.
“Several years ago, for Father’s Day, we sent my Dad a gift certificate to a book store. He purchased a Bathroom Reader. We continued to send gift certificates; he continued to buy Bathroom Readers. When he passed away last year, my mom gave me his collection. He had 7. Since then, I’ve started buying more volumes. My son, Mitchell, even bought Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader For Kids Only with his own money. Now three generations of my family enjoy your books.”
—Mark A.
“I received an e-mail from your staff welcoming me to the BRI family. It said if I wanted to be flushed, I should tell you. Never—and I say never—flush me. Thanks to your books I keep my friends amazed with the info I know. I give you credit for teaching me more stuff then I learned in school.”
—Brendan
“It’s perfect for any occasion. When we needed a house warming gift, we got an Uncle John’s. When we needed Christmas presents, we gave Uncle John’s. We were invited to a birthday party for three men and needed gifts for all three. Not knowing what they liked or needed, we bought three Bathroom Readers! The response?… They can’t stop talking about it. Thank you.”
—John J.
“You’re the best thing to happen to the reading room since indoor plumbing and store-bought tissue (them cornhusks can get mighty rough you know!) Keep up the good work and Go with the Flow!”
—Rick B.
UNCLE JOHN’S UNSTOPPABLE
BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2003 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
For information, write
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
888-488-4642
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,
San Rafael, CA (brunsfeldo@comcast.net).
BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp.
Uncle John’s
Unstoppable Bathroom Reader®
by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-606-7
E-book edition: February 2012
* * * * *
“What’s the Number for 911 Again?,” © 2001 by Leland H. Gregory. Visit www.realwacky.com for actual, stupid 911 calls as well as to purchase his audio CD, Wacky 911, and his previous book, What’s the Number for 911? Used by permission from the author and Andrews McMeel Publishing, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111.
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Jay Newman
Jennifer
Jeff Altemus
Julia Papps
Thom Little
Jahnna Beecham
Sharilyn Hovind
Michael Brunsfeld
Brian Henry
Angela Kern
Lori Larson
Sam Javna
Sydney Stanley
Gideon Javna
Jim McCluskey
Alan Reder
Janet Spencer
Malcolm Hillgartner
Maggie McLaughlin
Amanda Wilson
Allen Orso
Mike Nicita
Georgine Liedell
JoAnn Padgett
Dylan Drake
Paul Stanley
Jenny Baldwin
Barb Porshe
Paula Leith
Chris Olsen
Raingirl Thering
Joyce Slayton
Steve Pitt
Lyne Brennanski
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Bruce Carlson
David Harp
Nate Hendley
Scarab Media
John Javna
Marley & Catie Pratt
Thomas Crapper
* * *
THE BRI HONOR ROLL
(Our most diligent contributors)
Steve Sutherland • Jim de Graff • Aaron Allermann • Nate Nathanson Shari Mikaelsson • Richard Cranston II • Beth Scribble • Dean Bliss David Crumpler • Max L. Israel • Sara Cole • Artemio Visaya Richard Staples • And a special thanks to Eddie Deezen
Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jessie!
CONTENTS
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
*Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
BATHROOM NEWS
Short
Bathroom News
Happy Toilets
Medium
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Let’s Play Toilet Golf
File Under “Underwear”
Toilet Tech
The Doo-Doo Man
Uncle John’s Stall of Shame
Long
This Old (Out)house
The Outhouse Detectives
THE NAME GAME
Short
Fun With Names
Medium
Name That Sleuth
Name That Country
Founding Fathers
Founding (hic!) Fathers
A BLUNDERFUL LIFE
Short
What’s the Number for 911?
Medium
Oops!
Crème de la Crud
Fabulous Flops
Curtains!
Oops!
World-Class Losers
MYTHS & LEGENDS
Short
Not What They Seem to Be
Myth-Conceptions
Medium
Hoaxmeister
Cat Tales
Urban Legends
You’ve Got Mail!
The Ice Worm Cometh
Long
Classic Publicity Stunts
Urban Legends
Coyote Rings the Wrong Bell
AMERICANA
Short
Divorce, Prospector-Style
The Way of the Hobo
Medium
Filthy Water People
The Dustbin of History
Chair-leaders
Long
Land of the Giants
Free With Purchase
BUSINESS
Short
(B)Ad Promotions
Pleased to Meat You
Medium
Space, Inc
Uncle John’s Second Favorite Roll
Weird-Mart
Funny Business
The
Bigger They Are
Long
At the Auction
* The Worst Business Decision in U.S. History
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Short
Things You Didn’t Know About WWII
Management Expects
Medium
The Mad Bomber, Part I
The Mad Bomber, Part II
Long
The Great Brinks Robbery
The Lady of the Lines
Intrepid: Master Spy
* The French Foreign Legion
ORIGINS
Short
Household Origins
Medium
True Glue
Everyday Objects
Jumping for Joy
Long
How Paper Became Money, Part I
How Paper Became Money, Part II
PHRASES & WORD ORIGINS
Short
Word Origins
Medium
Familiar Phrases
Tawk O’ Da Town
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
ANIMALS
Short
Chicken Nuggets
The Bugs and the Bees
The Cat’s Meow
Medium
Die-Hard Chicken
Animal Name Origins
Heroic Birds
Long
Kibble Me This
CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS
Short
Wedding Trivia
Animal Superstitions
Cure For What Ails Ye
Food Superstitions
Medium
Maneki Neko
Card-Playing Superstitions
Now They Tell Us
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
Icky Licky Sticks
How to Cook a Porcupine
Medium
Today’s Menu
What’s A Jeraboam?
Long
Birth of the Bagel
LAW & ORDER
Short
Go Directly to Jail
Dumb Crooks
Medium
Celebrity Lawsuits
Strange Lawsuits
Dumb Crooks
Real Toys of the CIA
Celebrity Lawsuits
Strange Lawsuits
Long
* The Federal Witness Protection Program
Not-So-Wiseguys
LIFE IS STRANGE
Short
Lonely Phone Booth
Phone Phunnies
Medium
You Call This Art?
It’s a Weird, Weird World
Lucky Finds
Weird Canada
I Got It Back!
The Santa Chronicles
It’s a Weird, Weird World
Ironic, Isn’t It?
This Is…UJNN
Long
Revenge!
IT’S A CONSPIRACY!
Short
Conspiracy Theory
Medium
The Paranoid’s Field Guide to Secret Societies
Long
Moon Scam?
* Who Killed Jimi Hendrix?
THAT’S DEATH
Short
Famous Last Words
The Last Laugh: Epitaphs
Reading Tombstones
Medium
A Passing Fancy
“Paging Mr. Post”
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Made a Fortune
Lost a Fortune
Medium
Sorry About That
Celebrity Rumors
Missing Parts
Sorry (Not Really)
Exile on Easy Street
Long
Before They Were Infamous
A Lot to Lose
The Adventures of Eggplant
POLITICS
Short
Politalks
Medium
The Rhinoceros Party
“Extremism in the Defense of Liberty”
King of Canada
Long
Famous Close Calls
The Birth of the Democratic Party
“Let Us Begin Anew”
The Rise and Fall of the Whigs
* Join the Party: The Republicans
POP SCIENCE
Short
That’s Rich!
Let’s Do a Study!
Cool Billions
Diseases That Just Won’t Die
Medium
Q & A: Ask the Experts
The Time It Takes
The Ig Nobel Prizes
Rise of the Machines
Q & A: Ask the Experts
Simple Solutions
According to the Latest Research
Q & A: Ask the Experts
Long
More Simple Solutions
POP-POURRI
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Little Things Mean a Lot
Dubious Achievers
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
I Love the ‘80s!
How’d You Meter?
If Murphy Were A
The Hollywood Quiz
Little Things Mean a Lot
I Love the ‘80s!
Medium
Local Heroes
Pop Culture Quiz
One-of-a-Kind Hotels
Bets You Can’t Lose
Eh Two, Canada?
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Comic Relief
Money Talks
What is Love?
Buddha’s Wisdom
Unscripted
Wise Women
Comic Relief, Too
Mead’s Creed
Back in the Saddle
Peter’s Principles
Chanisms
SPORTS & AMUSEMENTS
Short
First Editions
Dumb Jocks?
Dumb Jocks?
Medium
Diamond Gems
Fore!
More Diamond Gems
Long
Lacrosse
Ante Up!
MUSIC
Short
The Who?
On Tour With Elvis
Medium
Behind the Hits
The Glass Armonica
Long
Eatin’ the Tin Sandwich
* Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band
THE REEL STUFF
Short
Box Office Bloopers
Crème de la Crud
Medium
Life Imitates Art
Chan the Man
Long
The Wilhelm Scream
Return of the Sequel
WORDPLAY
Short
Come Hear Bertha Belch
Flubbed Headlines
Amazing Anagrams
The Man From C.R.A.P
I’ve Been Cornobbled!
Groaners
Driver Sleeping
Limericks
Return of the Man From C.R.A.P
Poker Lingo
Granny Dumping
A Pig in Pink Tights
Brainteasers
Medium
Le Hot Dog?
Sam’s Brainteasers
News Corrections
WINGS
Short
Just Plane Weird
Medium
The Fabulous Flying Flea
Aero-Nuts
Winging It
Long
Flying Flops
Birth of the Helicopter
TV OR NOT TV
Short
Primetime Proverbs
Star Trek Wisdom
Neighborhood Gossip
Medium
Made in Japan: Weird Game Shows
The Sopranos Quiz
Where There’s a Will… There’s Grace
Host With the Most
Long
America’s First Reality TV Show
So Long, Neighbor
WHAT A DISASTER
Short
Hurricanes 101
Medium
The Halifax Explosion
Hurricane Hazel
Eye of the Hurricane
Long
Death on the Mississippi
ANSWERS
Brainteasers
The Sopranos Quiz
Sam’s Brainteasers
Name That Country
Hollywood Quiz
* * *
“No, I don’t understand my husband’s theory of relativity,
but I know my husband and I know he can be trusted.”
—Elsa Einstein
INTRODUCTION
When we were kids, the end of summer meant the start of school, and that got us nervous and excited. For us here at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute, the end of summer now means “Uh-oh! It’s time to get the next Bathroom Reader into bookstores!” And you know what? We still get nervous and excited.
This year we decided to try something different. Instead of spending months and months on writing and researching as usual, we went to see Dr. Flipseater, the Mad Inventor. And he built us a contraption called the “Information Grinder.”
Here’s how it works: We shovel mountains of books, newspapers, and magazines into one end of the Information Grinder, flip the switch, and after a few minutes of buzzing and whirring, guess what comes out of the other end—this book.
…Well, that’s not exactly how it happens. The Bathroom Reader is a result a lot of hard work by some wonderfully dedicated people, like John D., Jay, Julia, Jahnna, Jeff, Jennifer, Joyce, Jim—plus a few whose names don’t begin with “J” (like Thom, Sharilyn, Malcolm, Maggie, Bryan, and Angie).
And the product, we hope, is a great book that will tickle you, our wonderfully dedicated readers.
It’s hard for us to believe that we’ve been creating Bathroom Readers for 15 years…but we have. The other day, when I was leaving a restaurant, the owner stopped me and pointed to my Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader cap (available at www.bathroomreader.com…I’d mention the name of the restaurant, too—it might be good for a free meal—but I can’t remember it).
“Hey, great hat,” he said. I thanked him and told him about www.bathroomreader.com, because you can find some great hats there (black or tan).
Anyway, he told me that he had several Bathroom Readers and that he’d been reading them for years. Suddenly I felt good all over because it reminded me of why we keep making these books: we love doing it, and our readers love reading them. How do we know? You keep telling us.
Dear BRI,
I received my first Bathroom Reader as a graduation gift from college. I now have seven books (a pittance of your offering). You make bathroom time, brain time. Thanks.
—Kara
Thanks to you, dear readers, we are—like the title says—
UNSTOPPABLE.
A few notes:
• Readers looking for our Extended Sitting Section may turn to the back of the book, get upset that they can’t find it and assume we omitted it. Not so. We only omitted the divider page, figuring, why waste a page? We’d rather give you more bathroom reading.