94
Trevor …
When we got into the car and closed the doors, I could smell her. Goddamn. It was her. Her smell. Betsy had been riding along all summer in my car but it never smelled right. Carolina. She smelled right. Because she smelled like Carolina. I don’t know how to say this other than to just say it but that smell gave me the hardest hard-on I have ever had. Betsy and I hooked up and it was okay, I mean, it was fun … but it was never this. Just sitting in the car looking at Carolina, smelling Carolina, was better than getting naked with Betsy.
95
Carolina …
Trevor started driving, but he couldn’t stop turning and looking at me. And I couldn’t stop smiling from him looking at me. So we didn’t drive more than four or five blocks before he stopped his car and put it in park and I was moving toward him as he was moving toward me and we kissed. Oh my gosh, we kissed. Nobody kisses like Trevor. He tastes perfect and our mouths just eat each other up, but in a beautiful, amazing way that’s passionate and a bit crazy but also so comfortable and safe. So perfect. We kissed and we kissed and my head got light and I grabbed him and he grabbed me and we pulled each other so close. So close. I wanted to be naked and in his basement. I wanted to have sex. My body wanted to have sex. Oh my gosh. We really were soul mates.
And then I stopped kissing him. I don’t know why. I thought of Greg maybe. Or maybe I thought of my dad. Of his story. My dad was ready. Then not. Then ready. Then not. Where was I? Where was Trevor? Don’t think, Carolina! But I had already stopped. So then I pulled away. And I looked at Trevor. His mouth was wet and red. There was spit on his chin. I didn’t want to wipe it off.
96
Trevor …
Carolina stopped. Nothing could have stopped me. Nothing. I only wanted Carolina. I didn’t care about our crap or our heaviness or anything. There was no one like her in the world. But she stopped.
“Is something wrong?” I asked.
“I don’t know.…”
“I want to kiss you so bad,” I said.
“I’ve been dating a boy,” she said.
“Don’t tell me that! I don’t want to hear that!” Bam. Bam. Bam. Images blasted through my head of Carolina kissing a boy. Images of Alexander, even though it wasn’t him, I’m sure. Oh. Oh. Oh. Why did she have to tell me that?
“But we were going to tell each other everything,” she said.
97
Carolina …
I shouldn’t have mentioned Greg. But I should have. I didn’t want secrets. Not from Trevor. Not if he was my soul mate.
“Trevor…”
“I’ve been dating a girl.” He couldn’t look at me. At least he didn’t want secrets either.
“I know.”
“I don’t love her.”
“I don’t love Greg.”
“I love you, Carolina.”
“I love you too.” And then I had to ask. “Have you had sex with Betsy?”
He didn’t speak right away. But I knew. Then he said, “I’m sorry.”
Oh. Gosh. Then I cried. I cried my first big cry since we broke up. My breath became fast and short.
Trevor tried to console me. Patting my arm and shoulder. But I just needed to let it out. I’d be okay. I just needed to let it go. He kept saying, “I’m so, so, so sorry.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want him to be sorry. I didn’t. It’s okay. Boys have sex with girls even when they don’t love them. Maybe girls do too. Maybe I would someday. But I think if a boy has sex with a girl he doesn’t love, it also means he doesn’t still love the girl he used to love. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe it’s all so complex you can’t really tell what love really is. But I knew I didn’t want to have sex with Trevor. Not now. I didn’t even want to kiss him. Not now. If he could have sex with another girl … I don’t know. I really don’t. I just knew our story wasn’t just on a chapter break.
98
Trevor …
I didn’t have a hard-on anymore. That might sound weird to state, but it’s just that two minutes ago I had never been more excited and now …
“I wish…” I started.
“Yeah?” she said.
“I wish…” But I couldn’t say anything else. I looked at her face, and I loved that face so much that it hurt again. It hurt everywhere. It hurt so much I couldn’t talk. I could only look at her and wish I loved her just a little less so … I don’t even know. It’s all so fucking complicated and tragic and life sucks because you find someone like Carolina and it’s all so perfect and life tricks you into thinking it will always be perfect and then when it’s not, you’re just supposed to accept that it never will be. But it was. Goddamn it. It was perfect. And you can’t forget that it’s not anymore.
INFINITY
Carolina AND Trevor
Trevor?
Yes?
I love you.
I love you too, Carolina.
I can see into your eyes right now, and I can see everything you’re thinking.
I can see your thoughts too.
What do you think that means?
I don’t know.
Are you mad at me, Trevor?
No. Are you mad at me?
No, I’m just so, so, so sad.
Are we over forever, Carolina?
I don’t know.
I don’t know either.
I miss you so much, Trevor.
Me too, Carolina.
So then why can’t we be together?
Maybe someday?
Maybe …
Maybe not …
Oh gosh.
Crap.
You’re my soul mate, Trevor.
And you’re mine, Carolina.
Even if we never kiss again.
Even if.
THE END
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Since Carolina helped out with the dedication, I invited Trevor to assist with the acknowledgments. But then Carolina heard we were getting together and asked (pleaded, really) if she could join us. It had been over a year since they last talked, so I expected it to be awkward having them in the same room again. And it was … awkward. Very awkward. But it was also something else.
“Hi, Trevor,” Carolina said the moment she saw him, with a confident smile, like the smile of a woman who knows a man’s secrets. It was very mature. Almost sexual. Which I really didn’t think Carolina was capable of, but, like I said, it had been a year. A lot can happen in a year.
“Carolina,” Trevor responded, not looking at her. He kept his focus down on the circular table we had gathered around.
“Thanks for assisting me on this,” I said.
“Oh my gosh! Obviously! It’s so amazing that our story got published!” It was nice to know Carolina hadn’t changed completely.
“Yeah, man, congrats,” Trevor said. “But people won’t be, like, showing up at school asking us if all that crap you wrote is true, will they?”
“No,” I said, but didn’t explain why. Trevor was brewing hotter than usual. I needed to get this done before he blew. I got to the point. “So, you two know me about as well as anyone. Who do you think I should thank?”
Carolina shouted out first. Of course she did. “Your wife, obviously! She’s smart and beautiful AND she’s your soul mate and this is about soul mates!”
“This is about soul mates who break up, Carolina!” Trevor said. “So he should only thank her if they get divorced.”
“Trevor!”
“Okay, my wife. How’s Thank you first to Danica. You provided a foundation that gave my creativity the freedom to fly.”
Trevor hated that. “So cheesy.”
“It’s adorable! But also tell her you love her.” (I love you, wife.)
“Fine, whatever. Just move on to the next person.”
“Your parents. You have to thank your parents, B. Your mom made you love books and your dad loves your books even though he doesn’t love any other books, and of course, they made you,” Carolina said.
I nodded. “Yep, yep, so, To my parents—”
Trevor interrupted, “And your sisters, Pam and Lindsey, because Lily would be super mad if you didn’t mention your sisters.”
I started again, “To my parents and my sisters for their unconditional love and unwavering support even when they thought I was crazy.”
“That’s funny,” Trevor said. He almost smiled too. Almost.
Carolina tapped the table with inspiration. “You have to thank Jessica Brody; she totally mentored you through every step of writing the book and finding an agent and everything.”
“Perfectly said, Carolina.”
“Man, wow,” Trevor said, “talk about your agent. A lot. Because no offense to your wife, but come on, without Jill Grinberg, you would be nowhere. She’s the best agent out there, and for reasons I still don’t understand, she chose to represent you. And she gives great notes, and she’s nice, like, cool, and she calls you back super fast, and she even liked your sci-fi crap that was never going to sell.”
“I like his sci-fi stuff!” Carolina shouted. “And so did Jill’s assistant, Katelyn Detweiler, so you have to thank her too.”
“So how’s: To Jill, the first gatekeeper who believed I was worth holding open the gate for.”
Trevor shook his head. “That’s sounds like you’re trying to show off. But I don’t care. Let’s get this over with. I have somewhere to be.”
“Where do you have to be?” Carolina asked.
“None of your business.”
“WHY WON’T YOU BE MY FRIEND, TREVOR?!” Oh boy. Carolina cracked first.
“YOU KNOW WHY, CAROLINA!”
“OH MY GOSH, YOU BROKE UP WITH ME!”
Trevor stood to leave. I spoke up. “Trevor, sorry, I know this is hard. But we’re almost done. A few more minutes?” He didn’t say yes, but he didn’t leave either. Just turned and leaned back against the wall. The glare he leveled at Carolina would have knocked over a lesser girl.
Carolina was not a lesser girl.
As they spoke to each other in their heads, I said, “I should mention Jennifer Hunt—she encouraged me to concentrate on character voices, not plot concepts. And Jessa Zarubica for reading the first draft in two days and getting me excited about you two.”
“Cool,” Trevor said, mostly because he wanted to get through this.
Carolina winked at Trevor. Winked! When did she learn to wink at boys? She then turned to me. “B! You should start talking about your editor, Kate Farrell. She made the book better without making it worse.”
Trevor said, “That makes no sense.”
“Kate will know what I mean because she is obviously so amazing!”
“You’re only saying that because she was the only one who liked you as much as me.”
“Which makes her a genius! In fact, I think she liked me more. Can you ask her if she liked me more?”
“She liked you both the same,” I said. “How about I thank her like this: To Kate, for believing Carolina and Trevor were worth showing to the world.”
“Amazing!”
“Yeah, awesome, but I would have shown the world who I was on my own eventually.”
Carolina stood up from the table. “Trevor, you can’t do everything by yourself.”
He ignored her. “Are we done?”
“I think so.”
“Oh my gosh, you have to thank your baby, Axel! He’s sooooooooo cute!”
“Yeah,” Trevor said, “you’re totally going to screw him up like all parents screw up their kids, so you should thank him for loving you anyway.”
I laughed. “You said it better than I could have, Trevor.”
“Trevor…” Carolina stood up. She inched toward him. He wanted to look away. But he couldn’t. He was still in love with her. “I’m still in love with you too,” she said.
“You have a boyfriend, Carolina!”
“You have a girlfriend!”
“We broke up six months ago.”
“I didn’t know,” she said.
“Which just proves you know nothing about me. Are we done or what?” Trevor asked me, but to Carolina.
My eyes started tearing up. Goddamn. I didn’t realize how much I missed them until right this second. Not just missed them. Missed them together. I said, “I should thank you two, right? I should say, To Carolina and Trevor, for being soul mates.”
“For a year,” Trevor said. “We were only soul mates for a year.”
“Or…” Carolina said, and that smile of hers was back. That smile that said she knew things now that I didn’t think she would ever know. “To Carolina and Trevor, for being soul mates for a year AND forever.”
I wasn’t quite sure what she meant, but they started talking to each other in their heads again. Like I wasn’t even in the room.
So I left.
Maybe, without me there, they’ll work something out.
Maybe.
About the Author
b. t. gottfred is an author, playwright, and—ooh, look there, behind you … no, you’re right, never mind—director. This is a first novel. Sort of. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Part 1: Strangers for a Week
Chapter 1: Carrie Will Now Be Carolina
Chapter 2: Trevor Doesn’t Give A …
Chapter 3: Carolina’s First Day Doesn’t Go According to Plan
Chapter 4: Trevor Follows Orders
Chapter 5: Carolina Makes a Vow
Chapter 6: Trevor Figures It All Out
Chapter 7: Carolina Gets a Request
Chapter 8: Trevor Runs Even Though It’s Pointless
Chapter 9: Carolina Will Stop Boy Obsessing Tomorrow
Chapter 10: Trevor Doesn’t Want to Hear It
Chapter 11: Carolina Dies of a Heart Attack
Chapter 12: Trevor Wakes Up Burning
Chapter 13: Carolina Makes Some Important Decisions
Chapter 14: Trevor Decides Not to Give Up on the World
Chapter 15: Carolina Tries on a New Dress
Chapter 16: Trevor Meets Mr. Pain
Chapter 17: Carolina Doesn’t and Does Take a Shot
Chapter 18: Trevor Does His Own Party Loop
Chapter 19: Carolina …
Chapter 20: Trevor …
Chapter 21: Carolina …
Chapter 22: Trevor …
Chapter 23: Carolina …
Part 2: A Couple for a Month
Chapter 24: Trevor Meets the Other Man in Her Life
Chapter 25: Carolina Gets a Text
Chapter 26: Trevor Has a Seat Saved
Chapter 27: Carolina Doesn’t Sit with Trevor at Lunch
Chapter 28: Trevor Makes Cereal Twice
Chapter 29: Carolina Goes Shopping
Chapter 30: Trevor Doesn’t Stick to the Plan
Chapter 31: Carolina Gets Her Second Kiss
Chapter 32: Trevor Gets Too Excited
Chapter 34: Trevor Can’t Be Careful
Chapter 35: Carolina Goes to Starbucks
Chapter 36: Trevor Tries to Watch a Movie
Chapter 37: Carolina Has a New Dream
Chapter 38: Trevor Has a Race
Chapter 39: Carolina Panic Googles
Chapter 40: Trevor Has a Talk with His Mom
Chapter 41: Carolina Talks to Peggy about Hooking Up
Chapter 42: Trevor …
Chapter 43: Carolina …
Chapter 44: Trevor …
&n
bsp; Chapter 45: Carolina …
Chapter 46: Trevor …
Part 3: Love for the Holidays
Chapter 47: Carolina Goes to Homecoming
Chapter 48: Trevor Takes Off Carolina’s Bra
Chapter 49: Carolina Hears from Shannon Shunton
Chapter 50: Trevor Loses His Juice
Chapter 51: Carolina Talks to Alexander Taylor
Chapter 52: Trevor Tries Out for Basketball
Chapter 53: Carolina Takes a Train Ride
Chapter 54: Trevor Goes to Dinner
Chapter 55: Carolina Gets a Christmas Present
Chapter 56: Trevor Puts It Closer and Closer
Chapter 57: Carolina Gets a New Year’s Text
Chapter 58: Trevor Doesn’t Answer a Call
Chapter 59: Carolina Finds Out Who Is Sad
Chapter 60: Trevor …
Chapter 61: Carolina …
Chapter 62: Trevor …
Chapter 63: Carolina …
Chapter 64: Trevor …
Chapter 65: Carolina …
Chapter 66: Trevor …
Chapter 67: Carolina …
Part 4: Fighters for a Semester
Chapter 68: Trevor Knows How Technology Works
Chapter 69: Carolina Goes to a Motel
Chapter 70: Trevor Gives a Gift Card
Chapter 71: Carolina Texts the Unknown
Chapter 72: Trevor Sends a Secret Note
Chapter 73: Carolina Has a Talk with Her Mom
Chapter 74: Trevor Buys Two Sweaters
Chapter 75: Carolina Takes a Shower
Chapter 76: Trevor Buys Lily Pancakes
Chapter 77: Carolina Gets into a Toyota 4Runner
Chapter 78: Trevor Crashes the Car
Chapter 79: Carolina’s Brain Goes to Mush
Chapter 80: Trevor Has Pizza with His Dad
Chapter 81: Carolina Attends a Fight
Chapter 82: Trevor Passes a Test
Chapter 83: Carolina Names a Baby
Chapter 84: Trevor Talks to a Hurdler
Chapter 85: Carolina Can Walk Alone
Chapter 86: Trevor Goes for Frozen Yogurt