Brocreation
A Play in One Act
By Ashley Lauren Rogers
For licensing and production rights please visit AshleyLaurenRogers.com
AUTHORS ELEMENTS OF STYLE
...
A thought which trails off.
-
A statement which is interrupted by another character.
/
An interruption in the middle of a word or phrase. The actor should finish their thought but the actor saying their next line should start their line on the slash.
Thanks to Jen Cook, Michael Grochmal for helping with edits.
Special thanks to Diana Pho, for
always loving and supporting me.
As is true with all pieces by Ashley Lauren Rogers, unless otherwise stated assume an actor’s sex assigned at birth is irrelevant to the characters. Directors should strive to cast transgender/gender nonbinary actors in their productions of her work.
CHARACTERS
PAUL – Male Early-Mid Twenties. Very high energy.
RANDY – Male Early-Mid Twenties. Paul’s roommate, a typical twenty-something dude-bro.
ANGE – Female Early-Mid Twenties. Randy’s girlfriend.
PLUMB - Early-Mid Forties. Randy’s college professor.
It is present day. Lights up on PAUL and RANDY’s apartment. There is a couch centre stage with a coffee table in front of it. Stage right is a door leading to RANDY’s Bedroom.
PAUL enters and slams the door. He is carrying a human female arm with a piece of metal jutting out from the shoulder joint. The fingernails are painted. He slams the door locks it, puts the arm on the coffee table, and sits on the couch furiously rubbing his face in his hands. He then puts his left hand to his ear and talks into his naked wrist.
PAUL
We’ve been compromised. Repeat, we’ve been compromised!
RANDY
(off stage)
Paul, is that you?
PAUL
(To wrist)
Must enact emergency protocol Alpha Sierra Sierra Delta India Charlie Kilo. No, termination is not an option.
RANDY enters.
RANDY
Hey Paul!
PAUL
End transmission. Randy?! Good, you’re here!
RANDY
Yeah. I was playing Destiny, putting off Professor Plumb’s stupid essay, but the game’s being all glitchy-
PAUL
I need help-
RANDY
The assignment is super clear dude, do you find Nabok/ov’s Lolita-
PAUL
Not with the essay! I need you to do something-
RANDY
Does it have anything to do with that sweet robot arm?
PAUL
No not… sort of.
RANDY
It’s super realistic-
PAUL
Yeah- look, you need to-
RANDY
I think Ange has that nail / polish.
PAUL
Randy! Shut up! I don’t have time to explain but I need you to do some/thing.
RANDY
You spent all your rent money on that arm didn’t you?
PAUL
No you don’t understand-
RANDY
Don’t make this about me. You’re the one who wasted all his money on a prop, you’re always doing this spending your money on stupid crap and expecting me to pick up the rent bill. Well Paul I’m not surprised but I’m still disa/
PAUL kisses RANDY full on the mouth.
/pointed.
PAUL
We need to bang, right this very second.
RANDY
Paul I’m not gay.
PAUL
I know-
RANDY
I know you know because-
PAUL
I know because I’ve tried-
RANDY
Multiple times-
PAUL
So many times to get you to sleep with me but-
RANDY
Paul you’re a nice guy, fantastic roommate- albeit a financial clusterfuck- But Paul-
PAUL
If you don’t bang me I’ll die!
RANDY
You’re being desperate there buddy-
PAUL
I know how it sounds-
RANDY
I don’t think you do, because if you did you’d see how even if I were into it; that would ruin our whole roommate situation.
PAUL
Then marry me!
RANDY
Paul-
PAUL
Think about it!
RANDY
Stop it I’m not gay marrying you-
PAUL
It’s just a marriage.
RANDY
I’m a dude I’d be marrying another dude, that’s a gay marriage-
PAUL
Yeah but you don’t need to call it a gay marriage I don’t go gay swimming or gay renew my driver’s license-
RANDY
I’m still not into you like that-
PAUL
Fine then. Think of it as a monogamous relationship with your best friend and favourite roommate-
RANDY
So what, we get tax breaks and health insurance but… I could still get with chicks?
PAUL
No, monogamous, monogamous!
RANDY
I don’t bang other dudes!
PAUL
Then we wouldn’t bang! You could just give up sex! No? Silence means no huh? What if- what if I became a woman then!
RANDY
Not cool.
PAUL
I’ll get a sex change, we can get straight married and everyone wins!
RANDY
No and fuck you for suggesting that-
PAUL makes an overdramatic shocked reaction.
PAUL
I cannot believe you could be so transphobic! That you wouldn’t love me if I were a trans woman!
RANDY
I’m not transphobic-
PAUL
I don’t know Randy, you should probably, bang me now and prove it or else everyone will know what a transphobic douche you are.
RANDY
You’re the transphobic one! Trying to exploit the struggle of a marginalized people, perpetuating the bullshit stereotype that they can choose their gender just so you can bully me into the sack!
PAUL
In all fairness I need you to bang me or I’ll die-
RANDY
Paul you’re not transgender and you’re not going to die if we don’t bang right this second! It was flattering at first but this is getting really annoying.
PAUL
I guess there’s no sense in prolonging it then. Randall Cyprus Howell I am not who you think I am. My name is Paul E. Five Seven Four Four Two and I am from the future-
RANDY
Bull-
PAUL
Seriously! I was sent back into the past to stop the evil Techno Tyrant Randall Cyprus Howell Junior / from rising to power-
RANDY
Wait wait wait wait-
PAUL
I need to finish-
RANDY
SO in the future my son, I’m assuming he is my son because of the name, becomes this uh- tech-
PAUL
Techno Tyrant yes he’s basically like four Hitlers all in one. I was sent to the past to ensure he is never conceived.
RANDY
My son, my future son, is some sort of Quadruple Hitler-
PAUL
Yeah Hitler times four… Quad Hitler with laser beam eyes-
RANDY
Laser Beam eyes you say-
PAUL
Yes and that’s why you have to bang me, bang me now so Qu
ad mega mecha Hitler is never born.
RANDY
You- you do understand how straight relationships… and human reproduction works right? I mean, let’s say, hypothetically we do bang- I can still get a girl, the mother to my supposed quad Hitler baby, pregnant.
PAUL
Hypothetically, yeah, that’s true but you won’t because of my rigorous training you won’t ever-
RANDY starts laughing.
PAUL
Don’t laugh! Humans in the future exist solely as living batteries.
RANDY
That’s the Matrix! That logic was bullshit in 2000 and its bullshit now. There are better ways to power a machine. Has the Technocracy never heard of wind power? Solar power maybe?
PAUL
I know that but it doesn’t stop your little bundle of Hitler from progressing the way he has- you know coal is bad but you still use it-
I don’t-
PAUL
As a people, you as a people -
RANDY
My Hitler baby would never do that because I would not only instil in him the “Don’t be Hitler,” rule a rule which I think all good parents should adopt, but also because he’d know humans as batteries was a STUPID and wasteful concept!
PAUL
Just- Bang me so I don’t die! We’ve already wasted too much time!
RANDY
I’m not going to bang you!
PAUL
That arm… That arm belongs to the techno Tyrant’s futuristic kill bot who tried to take me out.
RANDY
Nope!
PAUL
I was able to remove its good arm before it could shoot me-
RANDY
Us banging is not going to stop this killbot! Is it allergic to gay sex-?
PAUL
Why’s it gotta be gay sex? You don’t say you’re having straight sex-
RANDY
You’re an idiot!
PAUL
If we bang now it could start a chain reaction of you never banging another woman and therefore never having Quad Mega Mecha Hitler, and then he’d never send a kill bot because he and they wouldn’t exist thus you banging me saves us both from the fate of the killbots!
RANDY
Then why not kill me?
PAUL
Not an option.
RANDY
It seems like you could avoid this whole mess by killing me-
PAUL
No!
RANDY
I don’t want to die dude. I don’t have some freaky death wish, but by your logic if I die, no Hitler baby.
PAUL
I refuse to lose you, Randy I- I-
RANDY
You’re what? Really talking yourself into a hole? I found the flaw in your logic just admit-
PAUL
I can’t lose you- not again- I love-
RANDY
Stop. Right. There. Paul. I can’t deal with this anymore; I want you out of here by the end of the week.
PAUL
No Randy no, if you bail on me I won’t be here by the end of the week. I’ll be dead!
RANDY
I refuse to be bullied into sex. Refuse. If you’re gonna threaten to kill yourself over me, go kill yourself.
PAUL
That’s not what-
RANDY
I’m gonna stay with Ange for a few days, I guess.
PAUL
NO! Not her you can’t-
RANDY
I don’t wanna hear it! You’re jealous, fine, be a man and deal with rejection!
RANDY goes to exit to the bedroom but ANGE enters the main door wearing a trench coat with one arm ripped off. She has one arm visible, in which she is holding a gun. The jacket shoulder area on the other side is bloody and oily.
PAUL
Jesus!
PAUL jumps to the floor, flings the coffee table on its side for cover. ANGE takes a few shots and dives behind the couch. PAUL pulls out a gun, they start to fire at one another.
RANDY
What- No- Why- STOP!
RANDY runs in between them, they both immediately stop.
ANGE
Randy, you idiot, get the Hell out of the line of fire!
RANDY
Oh thank God you didn’t shoot me!
PAUL
You never run in the line of fire!
RANDY
I know but- You were shooting and I didn’t know what to do.
ANGE
Running towards the hail of gunfire is always the wrong idea!
RANDY
It worked!
ANGE
Move out of the way Randy this isn’t my good arm.
RANDY
Don’t do anything-
ANGE
I can’t aim as well with this arm Randy I don’t want to hit you.
RANDY
I don’t want you to hit anyone!
ANGE
Stealing my shooting arm. Can’t say I expect any less from something like you.
That’s your-
PAUL
Worked didn’t it.
ANGE
Not many could yank my arm clean out of the socket-
RANDY
Ange… Ange… You’re a kill bot? Paul was telling the truth?
ANGE
I doubt it, but if he said he was from the future-
PAUL
I told him the truth!
ANGE
He thinks I’m a robot-
PAUL
If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck-
RANDY
Ange are you or are you not a Robot!
ANGE
No I’m not. Not exactly.
RANDY
The fuck does that mean!?
ANGE
I’m a human with cybernetic enhancements.
PAUL
Aka Robot-
ANGE
Cyborg!
PAUL
Abomination! Do you even know where your brain stops and your control programming kicks in?
ANGE
I could ask you the same question you reprogrammed, indoctrinated, technophobe! Randy… my arm.
PAUL
Don’t listen to her Randy.
ANGE
Please.
PAUL
No!
ANGE
Throw me my arm. We’ll talk and I’ll set the record straight, you’ve been lied to.
PAUL
If you do that she’ll kill us both-
ANGE
My aim’s bad but I could take him out easy standing where he is Paul and you know it. I haven’t taken the shot because I want him alive. If he dies I can’t get pregnant and Glorious Leader might never exist.
RANDY
You’re the mother!?
PAUL
Don’t listen to her she’s lying!
ANGE
I’ve never lied to you Randy-
RANDY
You have a metal arm! You’re a cyborg from the future!
ANGE
You never asked me if I had a metal arm or if I was a cyborg from the future!
RANDY
That’s not a thing normal people ask one another!
ANGE
See I never told you I wasn’t a cyborg from the future-
PAUL
It’s a lie of omission!
ANGE
Like how you omitted that your group are in the minority of people who feel Randy Junior is mega mecha Hitler and how humanity is enslaved and running on hamster wheels to power the machines that enslave them-
RANDY
Human battery, like the Matrix, but yeah that’s mostly what I heard!
PAUL
It’s easy to seem like you agree with a dictator when you’re his slave!
ANGE
We elected, we consented, to hardwire ourselves. Randy junior is a savior. He’s a mega mecha Jesus not Hitler!
PAUL
You’re incapable of free thought-
ANGE
Randy give me my arm.
PAUL
Don’t!
RANDY
If I give you the arm do you promise not to hurt Paul?
ANGE
If I have my arm back I can promise Paul won’t be hurt.
RANDY tosses the arm to ANGE. ANGE pops below our line of sight behind the couch, snaps and robotic whirring is heard.
PAUL
You’ve doomed us.