[CHARON settles down comfortably in the stern, while DIONYSUS makes clumsy efforts to get the boat moving.]
DIONYSUS How do you expect me to move this thing? I’m not the seafaring type.
CHARON It’s easy. Come on, you’ll soon have the singing to help you.
DIONYSUS What singing?
CHARON The Frog-Swans. They’re quite something.
DIONYSUS Right, you start me off then.
CHARON I-i-i-n, out! I-i-i-n, out!
[As soon as DIONYSUS has got his stroke adjusted to the tempo set by CHARON, the voices of the FROG-CHORUS33 are heard offstage, singing in an entirely different rhythm.]
FROGS
Brekekekex, koax, koax,
210 Brekekekex, koax, koax!
Oh we are the musical Frogs!
We live in the marshes and bogs!
Sweet, sweet is the hymn
We sing as we swim,
And our voices are known
For their beautiful tone
When on festival days34
We sing out in praise
Of the genial god –
And we don’t think it odd
When the worshipping throng,
To the sound of our song,
220 Rolls home through the marshes and bogs;
Brekekekex!
Rolls home through the marshes and bogs.
DIONYSUS
I don’t want to row any more,
FROGS
koax!
DIONYSUS
My bottom is getting too sore,
FROGS
koax!
DIONYSUS
But what do you care?
You’re nothing but air,
And your ‘koax’ is really a bore –
FROGS
Brekekekex, koax, koax!
Your remarks are offensive in tone,
So we’d like to make some of our own.
Our plantation of reeds
For all musical needs
In the very best circles is known.
Should Apollo require
A new bridge for his lyre,
He comes to the frogs
Of the marshes and bogs;
230 We’ve exactly the type
Pan needs for his pipe
When he plays for our chorus;
The Muses adore us!
We’re the rage on Parnassus,
For none can surpass us
In harmony, sweetness and tone.
DIONYSUS
What a sweat! I’m all wet! What a bore!
I’m so raw! I’m so sore! And what’s more,
There are blisters here –
All over my rear –
Where I’ve never had blisters before.
FROGS
Brekekekex, koax, koax!
DIONYSUS
240 Give over, my musical friends!
FROGS
What, silence our chorus? Oh, no!
Let us sing as we sang long ago,
When we splashed in the sun –
Oh, wasn’t it fun? –
’Mid the weeds and the sedge
At the pond’s muddy edge.
If it happened to rain
We’d dive under again
To avoid getting soaked –
Still harder we croaked
Till from under the slime
Our sub-aqueous rhyme
Bubbled out loud and clear
For all men to hear,
And burst with a plop at the top,
Plepepeplep!
And burst with a plop at the top.
DIONYSUS
It’s all this exertion, no doubt,
But I fancy that I’m about
To take over from you!
FROGS
We’ll be sunk if you do!
DIONYSUS
I’ll burst if I don’t, so look out!
FROGS
Brekekekex koax koax!
DIONYSUS
Now listen, you lyrical twerps,
I don’t give a damn for your burps!
FROGS
Then we’ll burp all the more,
Twice as loud as before,
Till our cavernous throats
Cannot hold all the notes
Of our ear-splitting song
That we chant all day long:
DIONYSUS
260 Brekekex! Brekekex! Brekekex!
It’s hopeless, you see:
You’ll never beat me
FROGS
We’ll see about that.
DIONYSUS
You won’t, and that’s that:
I’ll go on till I’m bust,
All day if I must;
But I know I shall win in the end,
Brekekekex koax koax!
[He pauses. The FROG-CHORUS remains silent.]
Yes, I knew I would win in the end.
CHARON Whoa there, land ahoy! Bring her alongside with your oars! [The boat docks.] Well, here we are. Don’t forget to pay.
270 DIONYSUS Ah, yes, those two obols. [He pays the fare, and the boat moves off.] Xanthias! Xanthias! Where are you? Xanthias!
[It is now quite dark. Ghostly shadows flit across the stage.]
XANTHIAS Coo-ee!
DIONYSUS Come here!
XANTHIAS [emerging from the shadows] Greetings, master!
DIONYSUS What’s it like over here?
XANTHIAS Very dark. And very muddy.
DIONYSUS Any sign of those murderers and perjurers he told us about?
XANTHIAS Use your eyes, sir.
DIONYSUS [looking towards the audience] Oh, yes, I see them now. Well, what are we going to do?
XANTHIAS We’d better push on. The place is full of horrible monsters according to what’s-his-name.
280 DIONYSUS That old rogue! He was just exaggerating to scare me off. He knew I was a services man with a thirst for glory. He’s very sensitive about his exploits, old Heracles. In fact, I’m rather hoping we do meet something. One ought to slay a beast or two on a trip like this, wouldn’t you say?
XANTHIAS Shush! What’s that noise?
DIONYSUS [panicking] Where’s it coming from?
XANTHIAS It’s somewhere behind us.
DIONYSUS Here, let me go in front.
XANTHIAS No, it’s in front of us!
DIONYSUS Actually, why don’t you go first?
XANTHIAS There it is! Oh, what a horrible creature!
DIONYSUS W-w-what sort of creature?
XANTHIAS Terrifying – it keeps on changing. It’s sort of like a
290 bull – no, now it’s a mule! Wait a minute, it’s turned into a woman, a very nice one too!
DIONYSUS Here, let me past!
XANTHIAS Oh, what a shame – it’s become a dog.
DIONYSUS [with a shudder] It must be Empusa.35
XANTHIAS Her face is certainly all lit up.
DIONYSUS Has she got a copper leg?
XANTHIAS Yes, I do believe she has. The other one’s made of cow dung.
DIONYSUS Ugh, where can I turn?
XANTHIAS Where can I, come to that?
DIONYSUS [appealing to the priest of Dionysus, who is sitting
in the front row]36 Oh, Mister Priest, protect me! Remember that drink we’re going to have after the show!
XANTHIAS Lord Heracles, we’re done for!
DIONYSUS Sh! Don’t call me that, for god’s sake: don’t even breathe my name.37
XANTHIAS Dionysus, then.
300 DIONYSUS No, that’s even worse.
XANTHIAS [to the spectral creature] Be gone to whence you came! [To DIONYSUS, who has taken refuge somewhere] Come back here!
DIONYSUS [returning] What is it?
XANTHIAS Don’t worry. It’s all right now. We’ve weathered the storm. Or, as Hegelochus would say, ‘the pillows heave no more’.38 Which is to say, Empusa’s gone.
DIONYSUS Do you promise?
XANTHIAS I swear.
DIONYSUS Swear again.
XANTHIAS Cross my heart.
DIONYSUS You’re quite sure?
XANTHIAS She’s gone, I’m telling you.
DIONYSUS My god, I turned quite white when I saw her!
XANTHIAS [pointing to the back of his robe] This, on the other hand, has turned brown with fear.
DIONYSUS Oh dear, how did such misfortune befall me? Which
310 of the gods was it that brought me down?39
XANTHIAS ‘Ether, bedsit of Zeus’? Or ‘the tread of Time’, perhaps?
[Flute music is heard from offstage.]
Sh!
DIONYSUS [nervously] What is it?
XANTHIAS Listen, can’t you hear it?
DIONYSUS What?
XANTHIAS Music. Flute-playing.
DIONYSUS So it is. And a most mystical whiff of torches. Keep quiet, let’s crouch down here and listen.
[They conceal themselves. The sound of music comes nearer, and the CHORUS is heard chanting ‘Iacchus, Iacchus!’]
XANTHIAS These must be the happy bands of Initiates Heracles
320 told us about. They’re singing the hymn to Iacchus by that fellow Diagoras.40
DIONYSUS I think you’re right. Let’s keep quiet and make sure.
[Enter, by torchlight, the CHORUS OF INITIATES, the men and women in separate groups.]
CHORUS41
Come, Iacchus, leave your temple,
Join your pious acolytes!
Come and dance across the meadows,
Lead us in your mystic rites!
Toss your head and swing the berries
On your myrtle crown so gay;
330 Stamp and prance with feet delirious,
Whirling all our qualms away.
Here with dancing, songs and laughter –
All the best of all the arts –
We your worshippers await you:
Come, oh come! The revel starts!
[They dance with abandon as the sacrificial meal is prepared and the wine cups are filled.]
XANTHIAS Oh, Persephone, paragon of perfection. Oh, divine daughter of Demeter42 – what a wonderful smell of pork!43
DIONYSUS You’d better keep quiet, or you won’t get a sausage.
[The CHORUS resume their hymn. At the cue in the second line, torches are raised and light up the stage.]
CHORUS
340 Call upon him, call Iacchus!
Raise the torches, wake the flame!
See at once the darkness scatter
As we shout his sacred name.
See, the meadows blaze! Iacchus,
Lodestar of our secret rite,
Comes to wake the mystic knowledge
Born in us at dead of night,
Turning all to dance and movement,
Setting souls and bodies free;
Aged knees shake off their stiffness
In the rhythmic ecstasy.
350 Shine for us, and we will follow!
Lead us on, our strength renew:
Young and old shall dance together
’Mid the flowers, moist with dew.
[They dance again, and then sit down to partake of the sacrificial meat and wine. Meanwhile the CHORUS-LEADER pronounces the traditional warning to the uninitiated.]
CHORUS-LEADER
Now all you bystanders, keep silent, we pray!
The holy procession proceeds on its way.
And all you outsiders who know not our rite,
Stay clear of our revels and keep out of sight.
We’ve no use for heathens who don’t understand
Conventions of Comedy, noble and grand;44
Who snigger and leer till the festival’s ended,
And find double-entendres where none are intended.
We don’t want the leaders who stoke party strife
360 When what we all need is a nice quiet life;
Or customs inspectors from somewhere nearby
Who smuggle out naval supplies on the sly.45
We don’t want the traitor who sides with the foe,
We don’t want the soldier who lets the fort go;
The greedy official who’d even be willing
To sell his own city just to make a killing.
Some people there are who, when mocked in a play,
Vent spleen on the poet by cutting his pay.46
We’ve no use for them, nor for poets who bore us
And persons caught short in the middle of the chorus.47
Stand aside, stand aside, to all these I say:
370 You’re banned from our dances so just keep away!
Now stir up your voices, and let’s hear the song.
May our revels begin and go on all night long.
[The feasting over, the CHORUS group themselves for the ceremony, which consists of songs and dances in honour of Persephone, Demeter and Iacchus.]
CHORUS
Now we’re well fortified,
Let’s get into our stride;
To the sweet flowery meadow let’s march off with pride.
At distinguished bystanders
We’ll jest and we’ll jeer;
It’s the feast of the Goddess, we’ve nothing to fear.
The praises we’ll sing
Of the Princess of Spring,48
Who returns at this season salvation to bring;
Though traitors endeavour
380 Her plans to frustrate,
We know she will save us before it’s too late.
CHORUS-LEADER And now, in a different strain, let us honour our queen and goddess Demeter, bringer of plenty, with a holy hymn.
CHORUS
Queen Demeter, stand before us,
Smile upon your favourite chorus!
Grant that when we dance and play,
As befits your holy day,
390 Part in earnest, part in jest,
We may shine above the rest,
And our play in all men’s eyes
Favour find, and win the prize.
CHORUS-LEADER Now with your songs call forth the youthful god, to join us in our dancing.
CHORUS
[Men] Iacchus, Iacchus, lead on to the shrine!49
400 Our hearts are on fire with your music divine!
Come, teach us to dance over hedgerows and stiles,
And keep up the tempo for several miles.
[All] Iacchus, Iacchus, dance on and we’ll follow.
[Women] Last night as we revelled from twilight till dawn
My clothes and my sandals were utterly torn –
The fault of the god, but perhaps his defence is
It raises a laugh and cuts down on expenses.50
[All] Iacchus, Iacchus, dance on and we’ll follow.
[Men] A girl did I spy as we sported and played:
410 She certainly was an attractive young maid.
She winked and she giggled, but what I liked best
Was the way that her titty peeped out through her vest.
[All] Iacchus, Iacchus, dance on and we’ll follow.
DIONYSUS Tell you what, being a sociable sort, I wouldn’t mind sporting with her myself.
XANTHIAS Me too. What are we waiting for?
[They join the ensuing dance, after which the CHORUS halt, facing the audience, and proceed to ‘jeer’ at notable members of the audience, as promised in the Hymn to Persephone.]
CHORUS
You’ve heard of Archedemus?51 Well, he’s not renowned for looks;
His parentage is doubtful, and he isn’t on the books;’
420 Yet down among the dead-folk he’s the prince of all the crooks.
But what’s come over Cleisthenes? He looks so full of care;
He’s lost his precious lover boy, his sad cries rend the air,
As he takes a pair of tweezers to his last superfluous hair.52
Now Callias,53 the naval man, is at his best ashore,
Where he can show his seamanship in actions by the score,
430 And when they see his lion-skin the girls cry out for more.
DIONYSUS
Excuse me interrupting, but we’re strangers here in Hell:
Can some kind person tell us, where does Master Pluto dwell?
CHORUS
You haven’t got too far to go, his house is very near.
No need to ask me more than once, it’s pretty much right here.
DIONYSUS
Pick up the luggage, Xanthias, pick up the bags once more!
XANTHIAS
This portering, it really is becoming quite a bore!
[DIONYSUS and XANTHIAS return to their luggage as the
CHORUS prepare for the procession.]
440 CHORUS-LEADER Dance on merrily through the flowery grove; let all who take part in our festival tread the sacred precinct of the Goddess. And I will bear the holy torch for the girls and women; let them dance to the glory of the Goddess, the whole night long.
[The MEN and WOMEN move to opposite sides of the stage, singing as they go off.]
CHORUS
Let us hasten to the meadow,
Where the roses are so sweet,
And the little flowers grow
In profusion at our feet;
450 With the blessèd Fates to lead us
We will laugh and sing and play,
And perform the choral dances
In our own traditional way.
Now to us alone is given,
When our earthly days are done,
To look out upon the splendour
Of a never-setting sun;
For we saw the holy Mysteries,
Yes, we heard the god’s behest,
And were mindful of our duty
Both to kinsmen and to guest.
Scene 2: DIONYSUS and XANTHIAS stand before the palace of PLUTO.
[The CHORUS are present, but stand apart from the action.]
460 DIONYSUS [approaching the door] What sort of a knock should one give, I wonder? [He raises his hand to knock, but thinks better of it.] One ought to conform to the local customs.
XANTHIAS Come on, don’t dither. Remember you’re supposed to be Heracles!
DIONYSUS [knocking tentatively] Hello there! Slave!
[The door is opened by AEACUS, the doorkeeper of Hades,54 a formidable figure.]
AEACUS Who’s there?
DIONYSUS Heracles the b-b-bold.
AEACUS [coming out] So it’s you, you foul, shameless, desperate, good-for-nothing criminal! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Coming down here and taking away our poor mutt Cerberus, throttling him in the process! I was responsible
470 for him. Well, we’ve got you now! I’ll have you flung over the cliff, down to the dark Stygian rocks, where you’ll be chased by the prowling hounds of Hell, and the hundred-headed viper will tear your guts out, and the Tartessian lamprey will devour your lungs, and the Tithrasian Gorgons will pluck out your kidneys and – just wait there while I fetch them.