2muchc0ff33_grrl: I’m not a freak, I’m special
wolfboy_97: ha that’s just wut my mom says
2muchc0ff33_grrl: *crickets*
wolfboy_97: where u from
2muchc0ff33_grrl: winterset
wolfboy_97: iowa?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: check out the big brain on brettttt
wolfboy_97: lol i go to high school like 1 town over from you
2muchc0ff33_grrl: omg its fate
wolfboy_97: obvs
wolfboy_97: how old r u
2muchc0ff33_grrl: 16
2muchc0ff33_grrl: u?
wolfboy_97: 17
wolfboy_97: u like true crime, huh
2muchc0ff33_grrl: meh. maybe. thinking about doing forensics in college
wolfboy_97: CSI winterset!
2muchc0ff33_grrl: lol
2muchc0ff33_grrl: sumthin like that
2muchc0ff33_grrl: what about u
wolfboy_97: wut about me
2muchc0ff33_grrl: what you wanna do when u grow up
wolfboy_97: my dad says growing up is overrated
And that’s how it started. Simple as that. She joked about it, but maybe it was fate. I’d just finished with Sally maybe two weeks before. The breakup hadn’t gone well—I didn’t take it too good. But when I was with c0ff33, it didn’t seem to hurt so much.
I sent her my pic, she sent me hers. The online courting waltz, pieces of us shared in the cricket-song dark. It’s funny how I’ve never asked her real name, but she knows me better than anyone. Sometimes I’m afraid of what’ll happen when we meet. Afraid it’ll turn out like everything else. We’re perfect while we hide behind our little screens. We can be whoever we want in the dark. But there’s no delete key IRL. No way to undo the mistakes we make.
Maybe it’s better this way.
I plod up the stairs. Up to my room. Find the shoebox under my bed. Ticket stubs from ball games my dad took me to when I was a kid. Shells I collected from some summer at the beach. A piece of polished bone. Tongue stud (Lucy’s idea, and a bad one—they totally ruin your teeth). An old orthodontic retainer. Rubbers. And right at the bottom, I find it. A gold ring, set with tiny diamond flecks. A single word engraved on the inner band.
I remember the day I found it on the bedroom floor. Momma’s fingers had gotten too thin for it to stay on anymore. I remember the way it looked on Alice’s hand. How Lucy freaked when I gave it to her. The empty band of skin around Sally’s finger where it used to be, thirty seconds after she broke my heart.
There’s no delete key IRL.
No way to take back “I love you.”
× × ×
It’s 11:45 PM, and she was supposed to meet me at 10:00.
She always takes her time.
2muchc0ff33_grrl: u hear about this SK on the news
My stomach drops into my toes as she appears on-screen. Full of new butterflies. A pesticide breeze blows in through the open window. The crickets are singing, all in time.
wolfboy_97: hello 2 u 2
2muchc0ff33_grrl: u hear about it?
wolfboy_97: i don’t watch the news
2muchc0ff33_grrl: cops found belongings at his house from five different girls
wolfboy_97: jesus
2muchc0ff33_grrl: he kept their jewelry, how stupid is that
wolfboy_97: lotta serial killers keep trophies
2muchc0ff33_grrl: i know that. It’s just real dumb. if u wanna get away with it, i mean
wolfboy_97: maybe he didn’t wanna get away with it?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: well, he didn’t. been missing for twelve days now. sum1 got him
wolfboy_97: good
2muchc0ff33_grrl: who you figure did him?
wolfboy_97: dunno
2muchc0ff33_grrl: come on, u read about this stuff all the time
wolfboy_97: maybe it was just bad luck.
wolfboy_97: walked out in front of a bus when texting ruh rohhhhh
2muchc0ff33_grrl: lol
2muchc0ff33_grrl: vigilante maybe?
wolfboy_97: not likely. he’s prolly just holed up sumwhere.
2muchc0ff33_grrl: wouldn’t that be cool, tho. Sum1 out there hunting these freaks down and giving them what they deserve
wolfboy_97: i guess. Cops sure can’t do it. Only time they catch an SK, it’s usually an accident or the guy being stupid
2muchc0ff33_grrl: not accident. karma
2muchc0ff33_grrl: u believe in karma, wolfie? Universe bringing us wut we deserve?
wolfboy_97: nah
2muchc0ff33_grrl: y not?
wolfboy_97: coz I got u. and no way I deserve u
2muchc0ff33_grrl: ooooooh, SMOOTH talker
wolfboy_97: :D
2muchc0ff33_grrl: u don’t deserve me, huh
wolfboy_97: nope
2muchc0ff33_grrl: so have u been a bad boy, wolfie?
wolfboy_97: lol I’m very well behaved I’ll have u know :D
2muchc0ff33_grrl: mmm
2muchc0ff33_grrl: u want me 2 be a bad girl 4 u.
My hand slips down toward my boxers. My mouth is dry as dust.
wolfboy_97: i don’t know
2muchc0ff33_grrl: tell me wut u’ll do when u meet me
2muchc0ff33_grrl: will u be bad 4 me baby
wolfboy_97: u torturing me
2muchc0ff33_grrl: lol, not yet
2muchc0ff33_grrl: but when i do
2muchc0ff33_grrl: it’s gonna be soooooo good
“Justin!”
Her voice is like a bucket of cold water thrown in my face. It wakes me up. Drags me back. And just for a moment, I hate it. Hate this. Hate her.
“Justin!”
I glance at the flashing cursor on the screen. Search for the girl beyond it. Wondering if she really is the one to get me away from this place. Away from her. Away from me. Is she real? Can I make her real?
“Justin, I’m cold! Come close the window!”
I wonder if there is such a thing as karma. Or God. Or whatever.
2muchc0ff33_grrl: u there?
I wonder what I did to deserve a life like this.
But I know what I have to do to change it.
wolfboy_97: I got u something
2muchc0ff33_grrl: got me what?
wolfboy_97: present
2muchc0ff33_grrl: omg what?
wolfboy_97: I show u
wolfboy_97: rdy?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: yesssssss
wolfboy_97: imgfile:ring_1.jpg
2muchc0ff33_grrl: *squeeeeeeees*
wolfboy_97: u like?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: OMFG ITS BEAUTIFUL
2muchc0ff33_grrl: WUT’S THE ENGRAVING SAY I CAN’T READ IT
wolfboy_97: “forever”
wolfboy_97: gonna give it to you when we meet
2muchc0ff33_grrl: WHEN
2muchc0ff33_grrl: WHEN
wolfboy_97: u luv me?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: I luv u
2muchc0ff33_grrl: OMG IT’S BEAUTIFUL I LUV U
2muchc0ff33_grrl: *dies*
wolfboy_97: lol, don’t do that
“Justin!”
wolfboy_97: i gtg
2muchc0ff33_grrl: ok
2muchc0ff33_grrl: I luv u
2muchc0ff33_grrl: I LUV U
I drag myself out of bed, trudge past those black-and-white faces toward her door.
“Coming, Momma.”
2muchc0ff33_grrl: omg
2muchc0ff33_grrl: omfg
I open my eyes. It’s nearly midnight. The house is so quiet, I can hear it breathing. The pinging on my laptop is loud enough to wake the dead. I look to Momma’s room, slap at the volume control as my chat window fills with her name.
2muchc0ff33_grrl: wolfie
2muchc0ff33_grrl: u there
2muchc0ff33_grrl: pls
wolfboy_97: wuts up?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: omfg, my mom
wolfboy_97: wut about her
2muchc0ff33_grrl: she went through my computer
2muchc0ff33_grrl: she read my logs
2muchc0ff33_grrl: saw the pics I sent u
Cold fingertips brush my spine. I can’t seem to breathe right.
wolfboy_97: 0_o
wolfboy_97: what did she say
2muchc0ff33_grrl: SHE FREAKED WTF U THINK
wolfboy_97: ok ok calm down
2muchc0ff33_grrl: she said she gonna cut off my net
2muchc0ff33_grrl: that I’m not allowed to c u anymore
2muchc0ff33_grrl: i told u she’s a PSYCHO
wolfboy_97: where r u now?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: bus station
wolfboy_97: wtf
2muchc0ff33_grrl: did u mean what u said
wolfboy_97: what did I say?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: that u wanted to run away with me
. . .
. . .
wolfboy_97: yes
2muchc0ff33_grrl: then come get me
2muchc0ff33_grrl: let’s just go
2muchc0ff33_grrl: u and me
2muchc0ff33_grrl: now
wolfboy_97: does ur mom know ur gone
2muchc0ff33_grrl: no, I waited til she went to sleep
wolfboy_97: did u tell anyone else about us?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: who the hell am I gonna tell?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: COME GET ME
It wasn’t meant to be like this. This was supposed to happen when we both wanted it. I’m not ready for it yet. I haven’t even started to—
2muchc0ff33_grrl: wolfie pls
2muchc0ff33_grrl: wolfie I luv u
I should let her go. If she’s run away, the cops will be looking for her. I could get into so much trouble. My mind is running through the maybes. This is stupid. This is crazy.
But what if she’s the one?
wolfboy_97: ok
wolfboy_97: ok I’ll come
2muchc0ff33_grrl: omg thank u baby
wolfboy_97: its gonna be ok, i promise
2muchc0ff33_grrl: ok ok
2muchc0ff33_grrl: i’m ok
wolfboy_97: it’s gonna take too long 4 me to get to winterset tho
wolfboy_97: i can’t drive
wolfboy_97: my dad can, tho. he just outside of ur town. i’ll get him to come get u.
2muchc0ff33_grrl: ur dad? Won’t he tell the cops?
wolfboy_97: no, he’s cool. trust me
wolfboy_97: he’s a real cool guy
wolfboy_97: he’ll take u to his place, I’ll come pick u up in the morning, ok?
2muchc0ff33_grrl: ok
wolfboy_97: don’t wait at the bus station tho
wolfboy_97: too many ppl
wolfboy_97: wait two blocks south, he’ll come get u there
2muchc0ff33_grrl: wolfie I’m freaked out
wolfboy_97: its gonna be ok, i promise
2muchc0ff33_grrl: ok
wolfboy_97: we’ll be together soon
2muchc0ff33_grrl: forever?
wolfboy_97: and ever
Amen.
× × ×
A storm is coming in from the north. Rain like knives.
My hands are shaking the whole drive there. Windshield wipers squeaking in time with my pulse. I’m not sure what I’ll say. She thinks I’m perfect behind my little screen. I can be whoever she wants in the dark. But there’s no delete key IRL.
What if she can’t love who I am out here?
The brakes on my dad’s truck squeal as it pulls up to the curb. Gravel crunches under the tires as the headlights die. I look at the streets around me. Empty asphalt and dark windows. Lifeless neon and howling wind and rain, rain, rain.
Nobody for miles.
My breath fogs up the glass and the storm comes down in floods. But finally I see her skulking down the street, and I know it’s an awful cliché, but I swear my heart skips a beat. Even in the gloom I recognize her, the half-moon crescent of her cheek picked out in the streetlamp’s light. Raindrops glittering as they fall around her, like her own personal fireworks show. Long blond hair flowing from beneath her hoodie, leather jacket, and tight, tight jeans. Gliding slow through the dark. She looks up, sees the truck, but even then, her pace doesn’t quicken. Ever and always, she takes her time.
I roll down the window so she can see me. Distrust in her eyes. I give her my most disarming smile.
“Hey there, coffee girl,” I say. “You look soaked.”
“Who’re you?” she asks.
“I’m Justin.” I smile. “I’m Wolfie’s dad.”
× × ×
“Are you cold?” I ask.
“I’m always cold.”
I turn on the heater, and the dashboard rattles and shakes.
“I’ll take you back to my place. You can have a shower, get warmed up.”
“Is Wolfie there?”
“He’ll be there in the morning.”
She nods, chews at her lip. I watch out of the corner of my eye, and my mouth goes dry.
“Bad scene at home, huh?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
“I know what that’s like.”
“Runs in the family?”
“What do you mean?”
“Wolfie doesn’t get on with his mom either. Says she’s a real psycho.”
I bristle a little. “I’m sure he never said that. They might butt heads sometimes, but—”
“He hates her. I can tell. The way he talks about her.”
My knuckles are white on the steering wheel. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
“She sounds like a real freak.” A sideways glance. “No offense. I mean, he told me you split when he was young. I don’t blame you. You must know what she’s like.”
No, no, this isn’t working at all.
“It’s kinda funny,” I say. “You guys meeting online and living so close to each other.”
She shrugs. Damp blond hair plastered to her throat. Her skin is moonlight pale.
“Wolfie and me are fate.”
“You really think that? Some people are just meant to be together?”
“I think everything happens for a reason.”
“Well, Wolfie’s very lucky, then. You seem like a wonderful girl.” I steal another glance. “Beautiful too.”
“It’s real cool of you, you know.” She shifts a little in her seat. “Helping us out like this.”
“Well, I’m a nice guy.”
She looks at me and smiles, and it seems the sun has come out from behind the clouds.
“Yeah. Wolfie always said.”
The windshield wipers are too slow to keep up with my heartbeat now. The road hisses under our tires as we drive through the thundering night. I see her stifle a yawn against her sleeve. I notice dark circles under her eyes.
“What’s your real name, anyway?”
“Cassie.”
The word echoes in my head like a prayer.
“You look tired, Cassie.”
“Yeah, I don’t sleep much.”
“Is that why you call yourself coffee girl?”
“Coffee’s my best friend. I have bad dreams.”
I put one hand on her lap. Just the briefest touch. Light as feathers.
“Everyone
has bad dreams.”
She stares out the window. Blue eyes fixed beyond the foggy glass.
“Not like mine.”
× × ×
The brakes squeal as we pull into the driveway. I have an umbrella, run around to her side of the truck. As we dash toward the porch, I put my arm around her waist to keep her close. She’s so cold. I can feel the chill coming off her skin.
It makes me shiver.
Inside, the rain beats down on the roof like a million tin drums. Thunder rattles the windows in their frames. I shake the wet out of my hair, watch as she shrugs off her backpack, offer to take her jacket. As I hang it on the coatrack, I can smell her perfume on the leather. Feel a faint breeze somewhere on the back of my neck that sets goose bumps loose all over my skin.
Her eyes are so blue.
“The bathroom is up the hall. You can have a shower, get out of those clothes. I’ll get a fire going. Did you bring pajamas?”
“Yeah.” She shivers. “Couldn’t fit my robe, though.”
She must feel it too. This is perfect. Just too perfect.
“I have one I can loan you,” I say. “I’ll leave it outside the bathroom door.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
“Down the hall.” I smile. “Second on the right.”
She tosses her hair over her shoulder. Turns and walks away. I watch her hips sway. Think about the shape of her lips. Raindrops beading on her skin.
She must feel it too.
She said it was fate.
This time it’s going to be all right.
This time it’s going to be perfect.
Not like the other times.
× × ×
Alice was my first and I made a mess of it—first times are usually that way, they say. I gave her too much Flunitrazepam and she just never woke up. She was too thin. Too shy. That was her problem. Momma told me I needed a girl with a backbone, so I kept a piece of it. A little polished piece of bone in a shoebox. All that remains of shy little Alice.
Lucy was my second and she was much better. She had a bad mouth, though. The things she called me when she woke up—I couldn’t keep her after that. Momma wouldn’t have stood for someone like Lucy living under her roof. I tried to keep her tongue, but it just turned to rot after a while. A silver barbell’s all that’s left.
Sally woke up too early. I’m still learning how much I should use in their drinks. I get the tablets online, keep them above the kitchen sink—the shiny white kind that dissolve easy, not the blue ones that stain the liquid. But it’s hard to guess the dose. She screamed when her eyes fluttered open. Screamed my name and kicked and flailed. Bit me with those perfect teeth her orthodontist must have made a fortune on. I still have the scar. Still have her retainer too. The ground got the rest.