I was going to cry. Josh hugs me and lets me cry in his arms. We
stay like that long after I’ve stopped. It is such a comfort to be
held. I rub my eyes.
Josh sits back. “Feel better?”
“Yeah, actually, I really do.” I pick up a cushion and hug it
to my body again. I always do this when I’m upset. “Thanks.” I
look at him. “I really mean it.”
“What are friends for?” I roll my eyes. This is Josh’s answer
to everything he can’t answer.
We talk for a while longer, losing track of time, but I don’t
bring the Susan thing up again. When I look at the clock, it’s
midnight. I stretch and yawn.
“Okay, I get the hint. You want to go to bed.”
I give him a little smile. “Finally, you get the message.”
He throws a cushion at me and stands. “Good night,” he
says while smirking. We say our good-byes and I head to bed,
feeling a little better.
The next morning, the house is quiet. It’s my day off, so Dad
would have brought Jessica to school. I jump in the shower and
wash the sweat from my body—another nightmare. I scrub
shampoo into my hair. Maybe I should tell Dad about the
nightmares. It’s the same one every night. Then I decide against
it. What good would it do?
I dress in my tracksuit, as I’m going to my yoga class later
on and just lazing around until then. I’m heading for the stairs
when I pass my parents’ bedroom. The door is slightly ajar. I pause, then push the door open fully and walk in. The scent of my mother still lingers in the air. I close my eyes and inhale the trace of lavender. After a few moments, I go to her dressing table and run my finger along her jewelry box, hairbrush, and perfumes. Her silk scarves are wrapped around the end poster of the bed. I take one and sit on the edge of her bed while wrapping the scarf around my arm.
“Mum, where are you?” I whisper, tears stinging my eyes. I
wipe them with the back of my hand.
I know sitting here is doing me no good, so I start cleaning.
First, the kitchen. The cooker has been used and neglected, so
I pull on rubber gloves and start scrubbing with a Brillo pad,
trying to get the burnt lasagna off the base of it. When I finish
scrubbing the kitchen, I polish the rest of the house and put on
a basket of laundry. My stomach grumbles so I make myself a
sandwich. I check my phone. It’s five o'clock.
I head for the car. I arrive at our local community hall.
Christine and her friend Laura do yoga with me. I see them
going into the changing rooms. I keep going into our yoga room,
not feeling very talkative. I roll out my mat and sit cross-legged.
Everyone is chatting waiting on our instructor, Linda,
to arrive. She’s a very spiritual person-not in a way that
she is religious; it’s more like a different way of seeing and
understanding the world. Most of the girls think she’s really
odd, but I like her weirdness. It’s not something I can put my
finger on, and she reminds me of the ballet teacher I had all
through primary school.
“Good evening, class.” Linda arrives with a bounce in her
step. She rolls out her own mat at the top of the class and sits
down. She gives me a wink before she starts. “I want everybody
to clear their minds and find your centre.” I take a deep breath
and try to empty my mind, easier said than done. “Now
today, we’re going to do something a little different. It’s like
meditation.” I open one eye and look at Linda. She gives me a
little smile and then closes her own eyes. “I want everybody to
think of someone they love and try to picture them, maybe even
try to picture what they could be doing right this moment.”
My mother is the first person that pops into my head. I can
picture her so clearly. She’s smiling at me as she watches me
blow out my candles for my twenty-first birthday. Her curls are
loose around her shoulders, her eyes full of unshed tears of love.
I can still hear her gentle voice.
“Happy birthday, princess. Make a wish.” My cheeks are
damp with more tears. I don’t open my eyes, just wipe my face
and try to hold on to her image.
“Now try and imagine what that person would be doing right
now.” Linda’s voice makes me lose concentration. My mother’s
face dissolves away. I open my eyes and Linda is watching me
carefully. She gives me a sad smile.
After class, I stay behind as everyone leaves, whispering to
each other how weird our class is. “Are you all right?” Linda
sits down beside me.
to my hands.
“Did you try to picture what she could be doing right now?”
Linda asks gently.
“No, I couldn’t. Her image just faded.” I look at Linda
sideways.
She reaches across and takes my hand. “Why don’t you try
again? I will help you.”
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. My mother’s smiling
face is there again.
“Can you see her?” Linda asks in her calming voice.
I speak quietly, afraid if I speak too loud her image will fade.
“Yes.”
“Try to picture what she could be doing right now.” Her
face becomes less clear, as if the channel is going out on TV.
I concentrate harder. The colour is fading. My mother looks
grey, her eyes empty. She is lying on a floor, smeared in
blood, crying. My eyes shoot open and I gasp for air.
“It’s okay, Sarajane. Relax your breathing.”
I can’t. I feel sick. It was a gruesome image. Where the hell
did it come from? I run to the ladies toilet and bring back up
my sandwich. When my stomach is finally empty, I stop getting
sick. I wash my face with cold water. I look as white as a ghost
in the bathroom mirror.
I can see Linda standing behind me. “What did you see? Did
you see your mother?” I can only nod. Linda moves towards
me and pulls me around to face her. “Where was she?” she asks
urgently. She’s starting to scare me. She must see the fear on my
face, as she lets me go and relaxes her posture.
“Sorry, I just… don’t want to see you sad anymore.”
I shrug. “It was just weird. She was crying.” I take a gulp of
air. “And bleeding, lying on a floor.”
“Could you see if she was in a room?” Linda asks. I shake my
head. This is too much of Linda’s weirdness for today.
“It was a stupid image I conjured in my head.” I walk away.
“I’ll see you next week.”
Linda doesn’t answer. I’m not too sure if she heard me. She
looks lost in thought, and I don’t wait around to find out.
Chapter Two
Saskia ~ Present Day
(Marta)
The smell of dampness is overpowering. I open my eyes
slowly. I am lying on a concrete floor, shaking with the
cold. My wrists and ankles are badly bruised, my hair
clotted with dry blood. As I start to get up, bile rises in my
throat. Steadying myself against the wall causes the sharp,
jagged stones to hurt my back. I stumble to the iron gate of my
cell. My lips are cracked and dry; my throat feels like it is on
fire.
“Please, could I have some water?” I rasp.
The guardian sits there, no reply. I can see the tattoo on the
back of his neck. Et Lux in Tenebris Lucet: And Light Will
Shine in Darkness. It has been twenty-one years since I have seen it. I knew then I am back in Saskia.
“I see you are awake,” Clive says with a cruel smirk,
descending the stairs. His blond hair and white complexion
look paler under the lights, giving him a ghostly air.
I retreat farther into the shadows of my cell. He turns the
key in the gate and enters slowly. His crystal-blue eyes never
leave my face, soaking up my terror. I back into the wall and
my panic rises. I know Clive is just like his mother, Bellona.
Cruelty seeps from his every pore. I want to scream, but know
it is pointless. Tears stream down my face.
Please, God, keep my daughters safe. I know I will never see
them again.
Clive circles me with his hands grasped behind his back. He
throws his head back and starts laughing. “So you are the whore
who was sleeping with my father? A peasant with a king.” His
face twists with rage and disgust.
Clive pounces, grabbing my hair. I scream. The cut already
on my head starts to bleed again, and blood trickles down my
face. He throws me viciously to the ground. “You won’t escape
this time.”
I curl myself into a fetal position. Clive withdraws his leg
and aims for my stomach. I can’t stop him so I just lie there,
letting my mind slip to happier times. Memories pour in, mine
and Morrick’s first kiss at my door. The first time we secretly
met at the Amour Caves. Falling in love with him was so easy,
but now I would pay the ultimate price.
I blink. Pain runs through every part of my body. I look
around through swollen eyes. I am on my own again with the
same guardian on guard. I try to speak, but every part of my
body is too sore. Darkness overtakes me.
The next time I wake up, Clive and the Queen Bellona are
standing over me. She looks at me with distaste. Her snow-
white, hard face shows no other emotion. A white gown flows
all around her, the ends soaking up my blood pooled around me
on the floor. She doesn’t seem to notice, or maybe she doesn’t
care.
“Taurus, lift her up. I have many questions to be answered,”
the queen says in a monotone, as if this is wasting her time.
I open my eyes, but the light hurts. I close them again and can
hear Bellona and Clive arguing in the hall. I can hear Bellona’s
voice rising. “Are you pleased with your handiwork?”
“Yes, Mother, I am,” Clive says with self-satisfaction.
“You are just like your father, stupid and weak.” Clive tries
to answer, but Bellona cuts him off with a slap. “Now listen to
me. I need her alive, and beating her to death will not get us
answers. Am I not correct?”
“Yes, Mother.” Clive sounds like a five-year-old boy being
reprimanded.
Footsteps sound down the hall. When the queen speaks, she
sounds irritated. “What, Taurus?”
“Sorry, my lady, but the king is looking for you.”
The queen lets out a sharp breath. “Clive, stay with her.
He does not know she is here, and I do not need any more
problems.”
“Yes, Mother.”
Footsteps sound at my door. I keep my breathing even so it
looks like I am asleep. A chair creaks beside me. After a few
moments, I open my eyes and Clive is looking at me. There’s
a handprint on the side of his face. “Do you know the day my
mother told me about you and my… father I didn’t believe it?”
I turn my head away from Clive. I just can’t listen to him.
Morrick told me how cruel his wife and son were, how they
would manipulate situations. Clive grabs my face roughly. “You
will look at me when I speak,” he roars into my face, covering
me with spit.
The door opens then and Ancellia, a servant girl I had only
met a few times before, comes in. She bows to Clive, but her
eyes never touch me. “Prince Clive, I have come to bathe Marta
as requested by the queen.” He flicks his hand towards me and
Ancellia enters the room.
Clive rises from his chair. “I will return later.” He looks at
me and leans in close to whisper in my ear. “When I get back,
you better give me answers or I will kill you.” He stands straight
and leaves the room.
Once he is gone, I turn to Ancellia. “Where is Corrona?”
Ancellia ignores me. “Please, Ancellia.”
She looks at me with anger. “You have dragged enough
people into this. You will not drag me in as well.” She pushes
me over roughly, hurting my side, and bathes my wounds. After
she leaves, I lie there thinking of Corrona and the day I decided
I needed to get out of Saskia.
Corrona and Dominic were blissfully in love. She sat in her
armchair beside the fire, rubbing her very large belly, while
Dominic rubbed her feet. I sat and watched them and wished I
could be normal like that with Morrick and not always hiding
our love. My stomach fluttered thinking of him. Even though
we had been seeing each other nearly a year, I still felt nervous
around him.
Corrona’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. “Marta, go
get the maidens. I think my baby is coming.”
Dominic stood up, his eyes wide. “Now, right now?”
Corrona looked up at Dominic with a smile on her face and
nodded. Then her attention turned to me. “Hurry.” She twinged
with pain. I left and ran to the castle and placed my hand over
my own stomach and smiled. Butterflies erupted in my belly.
I reached the castle and raced across the courtyard, but just
before I knocked on the large wooden door, it opened. I was
faced with Bellona. She arched an eyebrow. “Yes?”
I bowed. “Sorry, my lady, but Corrona needs maidens. She’s
going into labour.”
“Very well.” The queen beckoned two maidens and headed
for Corrona’s cottage. Taurus followed just behind her and me
after them. I felt sick the whole way back. I didn’t think Bellona
would come also.
When we entered, Dominic stood and looked at the queen
in shock.
“My lady.”
“Please, do not rise.” She sat on the armchair that Corrona
had vacated.
Corrona lay on her back, sweat running down her face. The
two maidens placed damp cloths on her forehead and face. The
small cottage now smelled of sweat. I knelt down and took
Corrona’s hand. Dominic held her other hand while telling
her he loved her. Corrona’s swollen belly started to ripple. She
screamed between pushes.
“Shhh, child, there is no need for that. Be quiet,” the queen
said, irritated. I looked at her and she smirked back at me,
making me drop my gaze. Did she kno
w about Morrick and
me? No. I would be dead by now.
Corrona continued to push as the maidens directed her
through her pain, and then the room was filled with the cries
of a baby boy. The maidens handed the baby to Corrona. “Oh,
my precious baby.” She placed a kiss on his head and cradled
him to her chest. The room buzzed with a newfound happiness.
Dominic was looking at his wife and child with pure love, tears
sparkling in his eyes.
“Marta, isn’t he perfect?” Corrona asked me while counting
his toes.
I laughed through tears. “Yes, he is.”
Corrona looked up at Dominic. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” He kissed her and then his son.
The queen stood over Corrona. “May I?” She reached out
her hands for the baby. Corrona and Dominic both looked up,
startled. They had forgotten about the queen, as had I. Corrona
hesitantly handed her baby to her. Tears ran silently down her
face. The queen usually visited in the first month of a boy’s
arrival, not straight away after the birth.
Dominic rose; Taurus stood in front of him. We all watched
as the queen placed a beautiful pendant with a purple stone in
the centre of it over the baby’s head. Its little eyes followed the
movements. I looked at Corrona. She was holding her breath.
“It’s good news,” the queen announced. We all let out a sigh
of relief. Taurus moved away from Dominic. “He has an air
affinity.” The words slipped so calmly from her mouth. Corrona
started screaming. She tried to get up to plead with the queen,
but she was too weak to lift her own body.
Dominic’s face turned white. “Give me back my son.”
The queen looked at him with a scowl. “Taurus.” She turned
to leave. Dominic pulled a small knife from his sleeve and ran at
the queen. Corrona screamed when she realised what Dominic
was going to do. Taurus swung the blunt end of his sword at
the last minute, hitting Dominic in the side of his head. He fell
to his knees, blood running down his face. I rushed to him.
Corrona was still screaming, her arms outstretched, pleading
for her son.
The queen opened the cottage door to leave, but before she
did, she turned to Dominic. “You are lucky I do not have you
exiled for that.” She paused. “But I am a forgiving queen and