Drunken Chaos
By Antonin Januska
Copyright 2010 Antonin Januska
Visit my website at https://perfectlifetoday.com
Dedicated to everyone who (and everything that) inspired me: my friends, my family, and my
circumstances.
*******
Drunken Poesie
Introduction
Love me, please me.
Remember that the mind
works in its strange ways.
Whether drunk or sober,
high or low,
it shifts, moves,
unpredictably.
Let me tell you a story,
friend,
as I sit at this bar and drink,
as I sit on this couch and smoke,
as I lie on table and snort.
Let me tell you many,
stories of wild imagination.
I.
...And always when I looked into your eyes,
I could see the world as it is,
I could see the stars.
the buildings, the streets,
everything disappeared
and nothing was left but you
for you,
and only you
were my true reality
I've been drinking
and thinking,
smoking...
my imagination ran wild.
secrets gone,
only true essence of being was left.
I thank my friends, my best friends
the people who listen and talk
the ones who share me with others.
the ones who're always there.
my best friends to this day.
if i've left someone,
tell me who,
and you will be there too
*
you, my friend listen,
don't talk.
And I shall tell you more,
of my life so majestic
so strange
II.
...And once again,
months of peace long gone.
I feel the devastation,
the whole world collapsing,
crying for help,
not bothered by anyone.
...And once again, I feel
pain, suffering, all that
my mind flew away from,
rid itself of.
Here he is, that man.
He meant so much, I felt so much,
but he's drifting,
flying
choosing another way.
Him and I, we are no longer,
for he is him, with his world
and I am I, with my world.
The world that we once,
long ago,
shared.
*
Let me tell you my friend,
you are my best friend.
Buy me another drink,
and I shall talk more.
III.
...Hand me my drink, please.
Waiter, you should know
make me forget tonight,
make me forget what happened,
make me forget everything.
Pour me my drink, please.
Pour me my demise,
pour me that which will
make me forget.
Until eternity, forever,
will I be indebted
to me,
for myself.
My past selves and how
they have fought,
raged, and loved
through their times
until I came to be.
*
As you see me here,
I am the product of the past,
I am one done,
finished and complete.
IV.
Krvavá ruka mě drží,
nemůžu utéct.
Křičím a ječím,
bojuji proti ní.
Uprostřed noci jsem čekal,
telefón zticha se nepohnul.
Čekal jsem hodiny,
nic a nic, pořád ticho.
Trha mi to tělem
ale pak nakonec dojde mi,
jedna jasná věc.
There is no reality,
alone I stand against myself.
I fight myself
and no other.
Forever will I stand,
stand here alone,
waiting for my love,
waiting for love.
Yet none will come,
none for none other
than I,
exist.
A tak klidně brouzdám,
světem velkým,
nekonečným,
a osamělým.
Každou dlouhou nocí,
musím si vzpoumenouti,
tady tuhle hallucinaci
která mně sžírá.
Provždy, navždy si myslím
a předstírám že ty tady jsi,
ale vhloubě mé misly
sám vím,
že jsem tady
a ty jsi tam.
*
A jak tyto víš,
a nerozumíš.
Má slova ti utíkají,
ma usta se usmívají.
V.
I heard their pleads,
so loud and sincere,
in a language unknown.
Their hearts, their feelings,
so true and pure,
so sad without a cure.
The words, I did not understand,
their tongue, I did not speak.
Two of them, forever alone,
misunderstood, pleading,
pleading for the moonlight.
The light in the darkness
to guide them back,
back to their own,
the ones, unknown.
The girl sang with her father,
I listened closely,
her happiness made me smile.
Without legible words,
she sang to me,
poured her heart out to me.
And even though she spoke,
not to me but to everyone,
our connection was there.
Me and her, years and miles apart,
we shared that one feeling,
that one belief,
that binds people.
*
Excuse me friends,
you have all swelled up here,
let me wipe my eyes,
and drink a couple more beers.
VI.
The wine slides down my throat,
another distant memory emerges.
How could such things be
forgotten so?
When a simple drink or two
can unlock it?
My eyes tear up, as they always do,
when I remember my distant past.
It is not for longing, or that I
might be missing it,
but it is of pain, and torture
such things rare in my life.
I remember fiery eyes,
lashing tongues,
claws made of diamonds,
teeth made of stone.
I remember the beatings,
I remember verbal 'buse.
It is such things I put out of my mind,
that come back years later,
haunting me, torturing me again.
It is as if living in hell,
and once lived through,
living in heaven.
But then, returning to hell
and suffering the rollercoaster punishment
for the rest of eternity.
I thought to myself,
why remind me of such acts?
Why remind me?
; I screamed so loud,
WHY REMIND ME?
Why did they, indeed,
why did the remind me of such hell
the hell, I endured,
leastly scarred for one simple reason,
the rejection of reality,
the mind block of memory.
The wall of memory that fell down,
briskly and quickly, fell down,
crashing and burning, the rest down,
dragging and screaming, the rest down.
I wanted to kill
*
So, come here closer and listen,
my life has not been as yours,
joyful and free,
it has been
full of cages and devices.
Let my tears be your poison,
and let my cries be your death.
VII.
Remember the young ones?
They've all thought,
oh how drinking is cool,
how smoking is chill,
and how anything damaging
could get them more attention.
Remember the young ones?
Singing, writing, wishing
The world we have to embrace,
the world they embrace too soon.
One day, a realization will shine,
their minds will clear and they'll see
see what we see, what you and I
know oh so very well.
But let us keep up this a secret,
they have to find this treasure,
cherish it, cry over it,
kill over it,
when the time comes.
VIII.
Then the swirling bubbles come,
the swirling bubbles of worlds
each one with their actors,
and their special roles.
And they are all trapped,
trapped inside one place
with no escape for any of them.
The bubbles burst and reform,
showing all the colors of the rainbow.
But what about those outside?
Outside those bubbles,
breathing clean air?
Those people, bubble themselves,
create bubbles with them in there,
all alone, they've never been so alone!
*
Look at yourself,
see it, yet?
You nasty rascals,
living in your bubbles.
Bursting them and exploding.
What is it that you say?
Nay, I'm no old man babblin',
scrambling and drinking too much.
I'm a man with stories, I know
I know life more
than ye'll ever do.
So pour me a drink, son,
and let me tell you some more.
IX.
I've once gazed upon a creature,
magnificent, worshiped beauty.
Thus my mind took its toll,
dream and reality converged.
I never knew why,
but upon such a stare I had,
darkness all around arose.
The creature's beauty the sole light.
Flashes of past, things gone,
intertwined with the situation in crime.
The eyes stared at me,
only me and no other...
reality did not flow this way,
diverging and converging
it made life into rolling hills,
never did everything go perfectly,
never did everything go in vain.
And then I come,
drunken, frenzied,
perhaps an addict.
My body thrown upon
the bedroom floor.
Have your way, ravage me,
then give me my money.
Alone, violated,
give me some love.
Surely, deserving
but never enough.
I lay and stare into darkness,
nothing to think about,
nothing to assess.
My situation is gone
wild and impossible.
One day I'll live my fun,
if it is possible.
The liquor, the coke,
the weed, stop and smell it,
give me some of that to smoke,
perhaps sell it.
Life in mayhem, nothing new,
I don't know where the time flew.
Always in a haze, never clear,
I've always had you to fear.
Without you, I'd be alone,
that's why I sit here,
watching my phone.
Hours have passed,
nothing has happened,
I've given you my best,
my will has so lessened.
Excuse my whine, and my complaint,
but why can't I ever get
what I deserve?
Why do you always play
on my nerve?
*
The world will twist,
turn, I tell you.
What you expect,
will become unexpected.
What is,
will not.
X.
Let me take you on a journey,
a trip through time and space.
Come with me,
join us in rebellion.
We will achieve peace,
no war shadows our heart.
Why don't we come to union?
Why don't you,
be the one,
to become,
one,
with every one.
Feel your skin tingling,
feel your mind expanding.
Fly away with me,
Let's take a trip,
through your mind,
into the past, present, and future.
Join me in a place,
where your imagination
becomes reality
and true reality disappears,
for there is no true reality.
I don't care what you take,
eat some “K”, drink some drinks,
inject yourself with happiness.
Lick the toad, suck on the cube,
inhale serenity.
Let's come together
in intimacy, and in love.
*
And I came to an end,
the feeling left.
Only to be replaced,
by something.
Something that filled
my emptiness of peace,
with sadness and sorrow
XI.
I took a breath
and with the wings of a butterfly,
I flew toward the skies.
I flew toward the beautiful sun,
so that I could merge with it,
be as one.
The beauty inside me shone,
brighter than the stars
against the black night.
My tears of sorrows fell,
to fill up the great oceans.
And finally,
my tears of sadness seemed
so small, so minute, and pointless
against the oceans full of salt waters,
the waters of the great sorrows
in the world.
Sadness and pain make me happy,
reminding me that everyone
felt, felt, felt,
felt something more,
than the droning of an
every-day life.
*
And thus my odyssey,
of happiness comes to a close.
The drinks that made you my friends,
turn against me, it is a poison,
my blood soaked with it.
Now you are,
my enemy,
and not,
my friend.
XII.
..
that day I felt such pain,
once again, that damn pain!
Shut up, I say,
stop coming to my life.
Like an eclipse in a man's life.
Uncertainty, indecision,
the stable ground had become,
an ocean sea of water.
My feet bore down,
and I have nowhere to turn.
*
Thus the end of me.
Thus the end of time.
Let me leave, friends.
On another night,
perhaps we shall meet.
On that day,
mind you, I will tell;
stories from my life
endless, torturous,
promising, and loving.
Remind me, friends,
and we shall dive deep down,
to the art and mysticality
of
Drunken Poesie
a Chaos Organized
Introduction.
Let me tell you who I am, what my purpose might be. Night after night, I cannot sleep; I wake with memories.
Whence I cannot sleep, I wonder.
Whence I cannot forget, I write.
To understand this poem prose. Search within yourself that which it conveys.
Each chapter, each section,
a new memory, and a new reflection.
Be kind, and listen to my thoughts, maybe you will find me. Maybe you will find something else.
***
I do not know the point,
but I keep on writing and hope,
I will come across one, eventually.
I. When I met Satis
My lips moved, sounds came, slithered into the phone. I talked to you the whole night. You were my shining star back then, my beacon.
Your voice mesmerized me,
the sound of you crying,
all the tears destroyed me.
And I wouldn't be lying,
if I said I'm sorry.
The road ran on and on, the lights became a blur. Every word you said, every accusation put me in a turmoil.
I remember one day we promised,
to never hurt each other,
then I put you in a pained twist.
And then we hurt one another.
When I saw your pretty face that day, when I held you for the first time, you became my Sun, my goddess, from a beacon star.
***
I repeat and repeat this story,
I tell her every day.
I'm glad, I can finally,
put all this away.
II. Forgetting Menhit
The stable world crushed to bring along chaos. Unanswered questions dwell. What I thought domestic became foreign. Then a kitten grew into a lioness that I wished to tame.
“Just a hug and maybe a kiss,”