Andy Griffiths is the award-winning author of the JUST series, The Bad Book, and the two previous novels in the BUM trilogy: The Day My Bum went Psycho and Zombie Bums from Uranus. He has also published a non-fiction book for adults, Fast Food and No Play Make Jack a Fat Boy. Andy recently gained his basic bum-fighter’s certificate from Silas Sterne’s Bum-fighting Academy and hopes to become a professional bum hunter when he grows up.
Also by Andy Griffiths
and illustrated by Terry Denton
Just Tricking!
Just Annoying!
Just Stupid!
Just Crazy!
Just Disgusting!
The Bad Book
The Cat on the Mat is Flat
Also by Andy Griffiths
The Day My Bum Went Psycho
Zombie Bums from Uranus
Bumageddon: the Final Pongflict
Also by Andy Griffiths
(with Jim Thomson and Sophie Blackmore)
Fast Food and No Play Make
Jack a Fat Boy: Creating a healthier lifestyle
for you and your children
CONTENTS
COVER
ABOUT ANDY GRIFFITHS
ALSO BY ANDY GRIFFITHS
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 1: BLOB
CHAPTER 2: BLOBBIFIED
CHAPTER 3: WIPE!
CHAPTER 4: FIGHT!
CHAPTER 5: DIG!
CHAPTER 6: SURROUNDED!
CHAPTER 7: BUM-FIGHT
CHAPTER 8: SCHLOOOMPH!
CHAPTER 9: DEATH RAY
CHAPTER 10: NED
CHAPTER 11: ROBOBUM
CHAPTER 12: BUMAGEDDON
CHAPTER 13: BUMAGEDDON?
CHAPTER 14: PROPHECY
CHAPTER 15: SOAP
CHAPTER 16: REWIND
CHAPTER 17: PREPARATIONS
CHAPTER 18: COUNTDOWN
CHAPTER 19: 650,000,000 BC
CHAPTER 20: MUD
CHAPTER 21: BUMOLUTION
CHAPTER 22: HATCH
CHAPTER 23: EXTERMINATE!
CHAPTER 24: BUM HUNT
CHAPTER 25: 65,000,000 BC
CHAPTER 26: TYRANNOSORE-ARSE
CHAPTER 27: RUN!
CHAPTER 28: TRICERABUTT
CHAPTER 29: OLÉ!
CHAPTER 30: FIRE
CHAPTER 31: RESCUED
CHAPTER 32: DESPERATE
CHAPTER 33: BUMAGEDDON!!!
CHAPTER 34: SUSPICION
CHAPTER 35: POOPASAUR
CHAPTER 36: CAMPFIRE
CHAPTER 37: STINKANT-NAPPED
CHAPTER 38: GRAN
CHAPTER 39: REUNITED
CHAPTER 40: STOMP!
CHAPTER 41: ESCAPE?
CHAPTER 42: GOODBYE
CHAPTER 44: CONFRONTATION
CHAPTER 45: TRUTH
CHAPTER 46: ABANDONED
CHAPTER 47: STUCK!
CHAPTER 48: VINES
CHAPTER 49: BUMANTULA
CHAPTER 50: MUTANT
CHAPTER 51: ORIGAMI
CHAPTER 52: TRAPPED!
CHAPTER 53: CRUSH!
CHAPTER 54: NOTHING
CHAPTER 55: GIFT
CHAPTER 56: PROPOSAL
CHAPTER 57: STALLING
CHAPTER 58: KISS
CHAPTER 59: STINK KONG
CHAPTER 60: BUMODACTYL
CHAPTER 61: NEST
CHAPTER 62: SNATCH!
CHAPTER 63: PANIC
CHAPTER 64: SKULLDUGGERY
CHAPTER 65: DESTINY?
CHAPTER 66: PRAYERS
CHAPTER 67: HOUSEKEEPING
CHAPTER 68: FAREWELL
CHAPTER 69: CRACK
CHAPTER 70: TEARS
CHAPTER 71: PREPARATIONS
CHAPTER 72: AWOL
CHAPTER 73: WEDDING
CHAPTER 74: SPRUNG!
CHAPTER 75: PUDDLE
CHAPTER 76: MOPPED UP
CHAPTER 77: SQUASH!
CHAPTER 78: LOVE
CHAPTER 79: BOOM!
CHAPTER 80: BUMHALLA?
CHAPTER 81: BARNHALLA
CHAPTER 82: ED
CHAPTER 83: BUM-FREE!
CHAPTER 84: HOMECOMING
CHAPTER 85: MARBLETON
CHAPTER 86: ALIVE!
CHAPTER 87: STORIES
CHAPTER 88: BEGINNINGS
GLOSSARY
Teacher’s notes for Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict are available at www.panmacmillan.com.au and www.andygriffiths.com.au
First published 2005 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited
1 Market Street, Sydney
Reprinted 2005 (twice), 2006
Text copyright © Backyard Stories Pty Ltd 2005
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data:
Griffiths, Andy, 1961– .
Bumageddon: the final pongflict.
For children.
ISBN 0 330 42197 2.
1. Human–alien encounters – Juvenile fiction. I. Title.
A823.3
Typeset in 11.5/14 pt Life Roman by Post Pre-press Group
Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group
Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.
The characters and events in this book are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
These electronic editions published in 2005 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd
1 Market Street, Sydney 2000
The moral right of the author has been asserted.
All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.
Bumageddon: The Final Pongflict
Andy Griffiths
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Dedicated to everybody who has—
or has ever had—a bum.
PROLOGUE
And enormous bums will conquer the world and complete and utter devarsetation will follow. Giant brown blobs will rain down upon the earth for forty days and forty nights. An evil stench will cover the land. And bums will rule the world again as they did in their glorious prehistoric past.
from The Book of Bumageddon, Chapter 3006, Verse 258, the Sir Roger Francis Rectum edition.
CHAPTER 1
BLOB
Zack Freeman looked up and realised that he was about to be squashed by a giant brown blob.
Oh no! he thought. Not a giant brown . . .
But that was all he had time to think before the giant brown blob crashed down on top of him—and ev
erybody else—gathered at the Bum-fighting Academy.
Zack, his bum, his parents, Eleanor Sterne, Silas Sterne, the Kicker, the Smacker and fifty of the best and brightest bum-fighting recruits in the world.
All squashed.
All buried.
All completely giant-brown-blobbified.
CHAPTER 2
BLOBBIFIED
It was a sad end to what had been the proudest and happiest morning of Zack Freeman’s life.
Not only had Zack just arrived back on Earth after saving the world from a zombie bum invasion and rescuing his parents from Uranus, but he had also graduated from Silas Sterne’s Bum-fighting Academy. In one hand he proudly held his basic bum-fighter’s certificate, and in the other a special medal of excellence for his work in the bum-fighting simulator.
Unfortunately, however, none of the challenges Zack had faced so far—either real or simulated—had prepared him for giant-brown-blobbification.
He was way out of his depth.
And sinking fast.
He shut his eyes.
He pinched his nose.
He held his breath.
And then he did . . . well . . . nothing.
There was nothing he could do.
He could hardly move.
The blob was too thick. And too dark . . . or rather, too brown. Pitch-brown.
He didn’t know which way was up.
He didn’t know which way was down.
North or south.
East or west.
Zack’s mind was racing.
He didn’t want to die.
Not yet, anyway.
And especially not inside a giant brown blob.
What if the giant brown blob set hard and became a fossil?
And what if he became a fossil inside the giant brown blob?
And what if one day in the future they dug it up, cracked it open and found him?
He didn’t want his body to be put in a glass case and displayed in a museum for schoolchildren to laugh at. ‘Eeerggghhh, yuck!’ they’d say. ‘Blob-boy! Look at the disgusting blob-boy!’
Then again, perhaps that was better than not being found and having to spend eternity trapped inside a giant brown blob . . .
Zack shuddered at the thought. With a mighty effort he brought his mind back to the present. He had to stop worrying about what might happen in the future and start focusing on what was happening to him right now.
And fast.
Zack smiled ruefully as he realised he was still clutching his bum-fighter’s certificate. He’d been so proud to receive it, but in this situation a bum-fighter’s certificate wasn’t even worth the paper it was printed on.
Or was it?
Paper.
The word triggered something inside him—but what? What use was paper?
Suddenly an image of his grandfather flashed into Zack’s mind. Percy Freeman—one of the world’s first bum-fighters: the Wiper. Armed with only a few rolls of toilet paper and an enormous load of courage, he had wiped some of the deadliest bums on the planet.
Paper.
Wiper.
Even as Zack’s oxygen-starved brain was shutting down, the two words forged a fragile, but life-saving, bond in his mind.
Zack knew what he had to do.
He brought the piece of paper up in front of his face.
And started wiping.
CHAPTER 3
WIPE!
Zack wiped.
He wiped hard.
He wiped fast.
He wiped harder and faster than he’d ever wiped before.
He wiped out a clear space around his head, opened his mouth and took a deep breath. Sure, it was bad air, but it was a lot better than no air.
Feeling stronger and more hopeful, Zack gripped the certificate with both hands and began the powerful scoop-wipe that he’d learnt at the Academy. At the same time he began to kick his feet. It was hard work, but it allowed him to begin tunnelling slowly through the blob.
He still didn’t know where he was going, but at least he was going somewhere.
He’d been tunnelling for only a few minutes when he felt a small soft shape moving in front of him.
Although he couldn’t see anything in the pitch-brown, Zack could feel that the shape was in fact a small hand.
Zack recognised it immediately. He reached forwards and pulled the hand—and its owner—into his tunnel.
‘There you are!’ said Zack to his bum. ‘I thought I’d lost you!’
‘Zack?’ it said in a small voice. ‘What happened? Where are we?’
‘A giant brown blob fell out of the sky,’ said Zack. ‘That’s what happened. And we’re trapped inside it.’
‘It wasn’t my fault!’ said Zack’s bum. ‘I didn’t do it! I swear!’
‘Calm down,’ said Zack. ‘I know you didn’t.’
‘Are we going to die?’ said his bum.
‘Not if I can help it,’ said Zack.
‘Great,’ said his bum. ‘So we ARE going to die!’
Zack was beginning to wish that he hadn’t found his bum. He’d forgotten just how annoying it could be.
‘I don’t want to die!’ screamed his bum. ‘I’m too young!’
‘Then stop complaining and DO something!’ said Zack, shaking his bum.
‘What?’ it said.
‘That’s exactly what I’m trying to figure out,’ said Zack. ‘We can keep wiping, but there’s no way of telling where we’re actually going. We could be going round and round inside this blob forever.’
‘Until we die, you mean,’ said his bum.
‘That’s enough!’ said Zack. ‘You’re not helping, you know!’
‘Sorry,’ said his bum.
But deep down Zack wondered if his bum was right.
He’d wiped and wiped and wiped and there was still no sign of a way out.
‘Zack?’ said his bum, in a brighter voice. ‘Remember when we got caught in the crapalanche?’
‘Yes,’ said Zack.
‘We thought we were going to die then, too, didn’t we?’ said his bum. ‘But we didn’t.’
‘Actually, we did,’ said Zack gloomily. ‘We went over the Brown River sewagefall. We were crushed to death on the rocks, remember?’
‘Oh yeah,’ said his bum. ‘That’s right . . . but that wasn’t real—it was in the bum-fighting simulator. And we only went over the falls because the Kicker accidentally set the difficulty level on the training program too high. And anyway, what about the brown hole? That was real and we got sucked into that and didn’t die.’
‘I’m not sure about that,’ said Zack.
‘Not sure about what?’ said his bum. ‘Not sure that the brown hole was real?’
‘No,’ said Zack, ‘I’m not sure that we survived. I think there’s a strong possibility that we died and went to hell . . . and this is it!’
‘That’s not funny, Zack,’ said his bum.
‘I’m not trying to be funny,’ said Zack. ‘Even if we do get out, what would be the point? We’ll probably just get squashed by another giant brown blob. I thought that after everything we’ve been through, and everything we’ve done, the Earth would finally be safe. I was wrong. I now see there’s no end to it . . . and there never will be.’
CHAPTER 4
FIGHT!
‘So that’s it?’ said Zack’s bum. ‘You’re giving up?’
‘I’m not giving up,’ said Zack. ‘I’m just accepting reality.’
‘What about your parents?’ said his bum. ‘And Eleanor, and Silas Sterne and the Smacker and the Kicker? You’re just going to abandon them?’
Zack shrugged. ‘I already saved them all,’ he said. ‘Twice! It’s their turn to save me. If they’re alive, that is.’
‘Zack,’ said his bum, ‘do you still have the medal and the certificate they gave you at your graduation?’
‘Yes,’ Zack said.
‘You don’t deserve them,’ said his bum.
‘What do you
mean?’ said Zack. ‘I earned them.’
‘You really believe that?’ said his bum. ‘You know as well as I do that they only gave them to you because they felt sorry for you.’
‘Shut up,’ said Zack.
‘It’s true!’ said his bum. ‘They all laugh at you behind your back. Face facts, Zack. You’re a total loser. And you always have been. You can’t even control me, your own bum, let alone save the world!’
‘Do you want an atomic power punch?’ said Zack. ‘Because you’re heading the right way to get one.’
‘Oooh, don’t scare me,’ said his bum.
Despite the pitch-brownness, Zack saw red. Things were bad enough without having to put up with being taunted by a bum. Especially his own. He was going to teach it some respect, even if it was the last thing he did—which, by the way things were looking, it probably would be. He drew back his fist and let fly.
WHAM!
‘Didn’t even hurt!’ said his bum.
Zack atomic-power-punched it again—this time with both fists.
POW!
The force of the punch sent his bum deep into the brown murk of the blob.
‘Call that a double-handed atomic power punch?’ said his bum’s muffled voice. ‘You should be ashamed of yourself. Didn’t they teach you anything at the Bum-fighting Academy?’
Zack launched himself forwards and set upon his bum with a bloodcurdling yell. ‘This is all your fault!’ he screamed.
Zack punched.
Zack smacked.
Zack kicked.
Zack pinched.
Zack punched and smacked and kicked and pinched his bum with all the atomic bum-punching bum-smacking bum-kicking bum-pinching force that he could muster.
With every blow they travelled further and further through the blob.
Zack was still punching and smacking and kicking and pinching a few minutes later when he and his bum broke through the thick, dried outer crust of the giant brown blob, and rolled onto the ground.
CHAPTER 5
DIG!
Zack lay on the ground blinking against the brightness of the day. He was caked with brown blob-sludge. The stench was awful.
‘Haven’t you two got better things to do than fight at a time like this?’ said a voice.