so much that he had to take him. And the child then wonders, what
about me? Doesn’t God love me?” He cautions that using terms like
put to sleep could have serious ramifications when that child needs to
be put to sleep for a tonsil ectomy. “I have counseled terrified children
because of this,” he says. Older children take less at face value. It’s
much better and more truthful to place a special pet in a whole new
category, where her memory lives on in our hearts to make us better
people.
When children are old enough to truly understand, bring them into
the decision-making process of euthanization. “The parent is going to
decide,” he says, “but let the child feel they’re a part of it.” This is a
decision based on love and connection with the cat that should be
made by everyone who loves the cat, rather than the adults
announcing what wil happen without consulting the children.
It’s especial y important that teenagers be included. They typical y
wil oppose any decision made by parents, but they need to
understand how the process works. If the teenagers strenuously
object, put the decision on hold for a day or so for them to become
used to the notion. “The feeling of working together, and
memorializing the beloved pet, can even help unify families that are
having problems,” says Dr. Sife. When mutual love drives the
decision, there’s no conflict.
Right Time, Right Place
You have choices when deciding to end your cat’s life. Do you
want to be present for the euthanasia? Or do you want to remember
her as she was, and not be present for the end? “Having owners there
is a culmination of the pet’s life,” says Dr. Garrett. “It’s a very peaceful
process. They feel like they were with them to the last minute.”
Veterinarians should respect your wishes, whatever you decide. “It’s
very important to feel in the end that you had the sort of goodbye that
you wanted.”
In some practices, veterinarians wil euthanize animals at the
owner’s home. If you feel that would be more comforting for your cat,
don’t hesitate to ask. In nice weather, it’s even possible to have an
outdoor euthanasia, says Dr. Garrett. Other owners don’t want to be
reminded each time they walk into the room that Fluffy died there.
Euthanasia at home gives the other pets in the family the
opportunity to say goodbye, and to understand what has happened. It
sometimes helps them to see the body after she’s passed away, so
they don’t spend days or weeks searching and crying for their lost
friend. Grief in pets is technical y considered to be an extreme form of
separation anxiety.
If you prefer to bring your cat to the clinic for euthanasia and are
worried about other pets grieving, ask if you can bring them along,
suggests Dr. Garrett. She recommends you wait until after euthanasia,
though. “The person’s whole attention should be spent on their pet that
they’re saying goodbye to.” Another option is to take the body home
and al ow the other cats and dogs to investigate.
Some surviving cats and dogs howl and cry, while others don’t even
sniff the body. Be prepared for any reaction, or no reaction at al . After
she’s gone, the other pets may recognize the body is not the same cat
anymore. Truly, the part that made her special has left.
In most cases, euthanasia takes place in the veterinarian’s office. It
often is a sad day for your veterinarian, too, says Dr. Garrett. “You’ve
known her for two years—but you know it’s the right thing, that it’s
time. There are times we cry. You can cry because you feel bad for the
owners and you’re saying goodbye to the pet yourself,” she says. “The
time when I can go through euthanasia without feeling any emotion is
the time I’l quit. I don’t want to get to that point.” Euthanasia is a
culmination of everyone’s relationship together in helping an animal to
die comfortably and peaceful y, with al the loved ones around her,
including the veterinarian.
Golden Moments: Arthur’s Broken Heart
Bonnie Cheak, a programmer/analyst in Westminster, Maryland,
cats that have developed everything from diabetes and cancer, to liver
disease, high blood pressure and stroke. She knows cats develop
affection not only for her, but for their cat friends, and may mourn them
as deeply as any human. Arthur is a prime example.
The tiny gray tabby weighs almost 7 pounds and has lived with
Bonnie since he was 8. “People think he’s a Scottish fold because the
previous owners broke the vessels in both his ears,” she says.
Despite his rocky first home, Arthur is very sweet and affectionate.
“He’s my baby,” says Bonnie. Arthur is over 20 years old.
He’s been through a lot in two decades. In 1997, Arthur developed
a tumor on his neck, nearly overnight. He was diagnosed with cancer
and received chemotherapy through April 1999. The lymphoma
immediately went into remission and hasn’t returned—and Arthur’s
whiskers also grew back.
Bonnie says the cancer was nothing compared to Arthur losing his
lifelong kitty companion, Deerface, in May of 1999. “He was looking
in corners. I’d open a cupboard and he’d immediately run over to look
to see if she was there,” says Bonnie. “They just loved each other
dearly. He’d scream and cry when he couldn’t find her. I real y thought
it would kil him.” Arthur also began showing health problems and was
diagnosed with chronic renal failure. Bonnie believes stress over
mourning Deerface had a lot to do with it.
Bonnie keeps a sharp eye on Arthur’s health, but today he’s doing
very wel . “He stil jumps up on the counter—pretty good for an old cat,”
says Bonnie. Various medications to support his kidneys, fluid therapy
at home, and regular blood pressure checks help keep him physical y
fit.
As far as his emotional health, a new love has healed Arthur’s
broken heart. “Now he’s attached to my little five-year-old Katie, and
he’l actual y chase her up the stairs. They clean each other and kiss
each other,” says Bonnie. She believes cats not only can mourn, they
can love again—when given the chance.
Understanding Euthanasia
Before the time comes, ask your veterinarian to explain the usual
procedure so you’re prepared. Private rooms are general y provided
so that you have time alone with your cat before, during, and after the
euthanasia. Usual y a catheter is placed in the vein as a first step, to
make it easier to administer the euthanasia solution when the time
comes. Chronical y il cats may already have an IV catheter in place.
Dr. Garrett prefers to place the catheter in the back leg so you can
interact with your cat’s face throughout the procedure. Sometimes the
cat wil be sedated first, and that makes her very sleepy. You may
prefer to forgo the sedation so that she remains alert up to the end,
and
you are better able to interact with the friend you know and love
during your goodbyes.
The veterinarian wil return after you’ve had time to visit. As the drug
takes effect, it relaxes the cat and she’l sometimes involuntarily
urinate, so if you want to hold her on your lap, cuddle her in a towel. If
she’s not been sedated before, she may receive that injection now so
she’s relaxed and has a smoother transition. Then a slow IV injection
of the euthanasia solution, an overdose of a barbiturate anesthetic-
type drug, is administered. It can be very quick-acting.
Usual y the cat wil die within only a minute or two, and the
veterinarian wil listen for a heartbeat to confirm that she’s gone. There
may be a few involuntary muscle spasms, or last-minute breaths, says
Dr. Garrett. “But it’s not them. They’re gone at that point. It’s just an
automatic response by the body.”
Most people wish to spend some time alone with their pet
afterward. Don’t hesitate to ask for this consideration if it’s not offered.
The way the euthanasia is managed wil influence the way you feel
about the experience in the future. Don’t be reluctant to ask questions,
or make requests for you or your cat’s comfort. “About 60 percent of
owners who have their animal put to sleep wil change veterinarians,”
says Dr. Fortney. There are a variety of reasons for this. Perhaps the
most tel ing is that some just don’t like going back to the practice
where they put Fluffy to sleep.
Validating Grief
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross documented the five stages of grief people
feel at the loss of a human loved one. You wil feel similar emotions
after losing a beloved pet. The stages are denial; anger; bargaining,
I’ll do X, Y, Z, if only he’ll be okay; depression; and final y acceptance.
Grieving is a normal, human process, and major loss of any kind wil
produce bereavement. But Dr. Sife says that pet bereavement has
unique qualities, because we share very different parts of our lives
with pets. “We have to understand specifical y what the bond was, why
it is so valid to grieve this way, and not belittle ourselves or doubt
ourselves,” says Dr. Sife.
Many cat owners look on their pets as dependent children. Even
more, an old cat represents milestones in the owner’s life—the cat
was a childhood playmate, accompanied you to col ege, was there for
your wedding, or your divorce, and perhaps helped you through the
loss of a spouse. Losing her feels like losing a part of yourself.
Pet bereavement may not receive the same level of sympathy and
support as from losing a human family member, and that makes the
loss even more profound. “Many people resent that we can bereave
so deeply for a pet. They wil take it personal y and get very judgmental
or offensive,” says Dr. Sife. He says that reaction stems in part from
society’s negative view of death, which makes it difficult to openly
express grief, especial y for “only” a pet.
Individuals who have never experienced a close relationship with a
pet wil have the most difficult time understanding your pain. “There’s a
dimension of life they can’t appreciate,” says Dr. Kitchel . When one
family member was much closer to the lost cat than others, they may
be unable to handle the emotional fal out. “For people who don’t have
that capacity to understand the bond, it’s as if they go through life color
blind.”
There is no right way to experience grief. Each person’s experience
wil be different, and the process can be short or long. The stages of
grief are not necessarily sequential—you may feel depression, then
denial and anger, for example. “You do not have to experience al
these stages to successful y grieve,” says Dr. Garrett. While the cat’s
death may throw you into deep denial, your husband may simply get
angry—or come to terms with her death much more quickly than you
can.
Guilt is common. Whatever choices you made, guilt often stalks you
afterwards. Have faith that you made the best possible decision at
that time.
Delayed grief may also knock on your door. In these cases, you feel
no emotion at first, and feel odd, empty, or even guilty for lack of
distress. Delayed grief may come days, weeks, even months later,
when the sight of Fluffy’s catnip mouse you find under the bed prompts
an emotional meltdown.
Al of these aspects of grief are normal.
Close family members and friends who want to help you through
your grief may not know how to give support. They’l say, don’t cry. Or
try to diminish the reason for the pain by saying it’s only a cat. “That of
course only intensifies the pain,” says Dr. Sife, and can permanently
damage friendships and relationships. “The important factor here is
that someone is hurting. And if we are good humans, whether we
agree or disagree with the reasons, we give compassion.”
So how do you help someone who is hurting? What is the right thing
to say to help a friend, comfort a family member, or guide your child
through their grief? If you loved the cat, or are a pet owner yourself,
you can relate to the pain from firsthand experience and can
commiserate. If you’re not a pet owner, just ask how you can help. Tel
them you know they’re experiencing something terrible, and that know
you don’t real y understand the depth of the pain. Tel them you care
for them. Say you want to be there for them.
A supportive, nonjudgmental presence can be the most important
ingredient in the healing process. Listen to cherished stories about
the special cat—the way she always nibbled noses or pounced on
toes each morning to wake them, how she’d chase the laser light
forever, the way she snuggled into their lap and purred.
When you are the person in pain, please know that you are not
alone. Every person reading this book loves or has loved a cat, and
understands the grief of losing a beloved feline friend. You may feel a
buzzing numbness, an aching absence that something priceless is
gone from your world. It may catch you by surprise when entering a
room—and she’s not lounging on the cat tree, or ambushing your
ankle to greet you. Her food bowls are stil on the kitchen floor, with the
last bit of water or kibble she left behind. You put on a shoe—and find
the sparkle-bal toy she hid inside, and burst into tears, knowing it’s
the last time you’l ever play a part in her game. Maybe you “feel” her
leap onto the bed at night as you doze off to sleep, or “see” her out of
the corners of your eyes. These are al normal experiences, and
common to people who have shared a particularly close bond with
their pet.
It’s normal to feel awful. It hurts like crazy, but you are not going nuts.
Aren’t other things such as work, or people, supposed to be more
important? No. Your cat and your grief for her loss are just as
important. They’re important in a different way. She had a unique
impact on your life, or you wouldn’t mi
ss her the way you do. “It’s much
better to validate those emotions than to just cover it up,” says Dr.
Garrett. Always remember there is no guilt or shame in being a caring
person. Never let anyone make you feel wrong for honoring your pet
with tears.
The best help for grief-stricken pet owners is support from people
who’ve experienced loss too. You are not alone. Talk about your
feelings. Share stories about her with other pet lovers. Local
veterinarians or animal shelters may offer grief support groups that
meet in your area. A number of veterinary universities host pet loss
support hotlines. If you are on the Internet, pet sites provide pet loss
support groups where you can share stories, cry a little, receive—and
give—support to other pet lovers going through the same emotional
journey.
At times the grieving process becomes prolonged, and people
need help to get through it. In fact, the loss of a pet may sometimes
trigger other very deep-rooted and unresolved problems in the
person’s life that they may not even recognize, or have repressed,
says Dr. Sife. “Then they’re overwhelmed with grief, and they can only
see it as the loss of the pet, which is intense by itself,” he says. “That’s
where it takes a professional counselor who is professional y trained
and capable of identifying and helping the person.”
Honoring the Memory
How you recognize your special cat’s death can help you get
through the grieving process. You wil need to decide what becomes
of her body. When your cat was treated by a teaching hospital at a
university, you may be asked about al owing an autopsy, especial y if
it’s an unusual case. This could be considered a legacy that wil help
the lives of other cats.
Your veterinarian should have suggestions for taking care of her
body, and may provide services for clients who do not have the ability
or resources to make other arrangements. Rural areas with property
available may offer the opportunity for a home burial. Be aware that
some cities have laws prohibiting burial of pets within residential
areas, so check with officials in your area. A home interment al ows
you to create a memorial gravesite in a setting familiar to the missing
cat friend—perhaps beneath a favorite tree she loved.