Hidden Monster

  ***

  I rubbed my hands against the sides of my jeans and then pointed at the couch. “Want to sit?” It hadn’t taken Jeremy long to show up on my doorstep.

  “Yeah, sure.” Jeremy sat on one end of the sofa, and I sat on the other. Tucking one leg under myself, I turned to face him.

  “I asked your mom if you could go and she said yes,” he announced.

  Dropping my eyes to the cushion between us, I picked at a loose thread I’d found. “Oh. Good.”

  “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I know the last time we saw each other, it wasn’t so great.”

  I glanced up. “About that, I’m really sorry for what happened. I know you were on the news and everything. I understand why you ended things with us.”

  Jeremy’s gaze shifted to the floor. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what you went through.” He glanced up at me. “I never told anyone we broke up. They all think we’re still together.”

  I gaped at him. “Wait, what?”

  He rushed on. “I’d hoped, still hope, we can pick up where we left off.”

  I tore my gaze away from his blue eyes, not sure if I was mad or happy. I supposed I still had some feelings for Jeremy, if sweaty palms and a nervous stomach counted. It was strange to think only two months ago, we’d been on this very couch, making out when my parents were away. Yet, even as my face flushed at the memory, I didn’t know if it was the same for me. I didn’t feel the same anymore; I felt afraid.

  I swallowed hard and glanced back at him. He was waiting for an answer. My heartbeat felt irregular. I cleared my throat, needing more time to decide.

  “I can’t promise anything yet. We might have to pretend we’re starting over. I’m not sure if I can—” My words were cut off by him moving closer and his lips landing across mine.

  He kissed me softly and for some reason, I didn’t resist at first. He pulled me closer, his arms wrapping around my back. Memories flooded in. This was familiar to me—the feel of his mouth moving with mine, his hair tickling my skin, and his faint cologne filling me with longing. And then I was falling into a dark place. No, more like tumbling. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. No, no, no! Not him! My mind screamed at me. I pulled back abruptly.

  He looked crushed. “Sorry, I thought maybe if you remembered how it felt, that maybe you’d want me again,” he mumbled.

  I did want him. At least, some parts of me wanted him. Other parts were repulsed, and all of me was confused. “Jeremy, it’s not that. It’s just that I’m not ready for anything yet.” I hoped he’d understand and let me go. I was scared he might try kissing me again.

  He did release me and stood up. “Ok, I won’t push you then. I’m happy you’re going with me to the dance.”

  I stared back at him. I am?