this is where we finally say “goodbye.”
- the letter i cannot send III.
when she had almost no friends, she had the tiny globes of light. they trailed behind her everywhere she went, & some nights they burned so brightly she did nothing but toss & turn. one day, the globes burned even brighter—so bright she thought it was time to look into the face of death & smile. when they dimmed again, surrounded was she by people who understand every part of her. she never realized what the lights meant till now: the light was always leading her to them, her found family forged in weirdness & laughter.
& it was so good.
oh my god, it was so good.
-what it feels to belong. after iain s. thomas
you
showed me
that blood
is no
competition
for
the
bodies
of water
between
us.
- long-distance friendships.
you’re so unreal
i don’t think
i could have
even known
to manifest
you.
- the universe marvels at you.
i’m starting to think that maybe i had the wrong idea about soul mates all along. they won’t necessarily be your lover, but they can be. maybe all our lovers are our soul mates. maybe all our friends are, too. our acquaintances, even. do you ever think about the word? soulmate. maybe we should start calling them soulmeets instead—souls that were destined to meet & impact each other in the most gentle & unpredictable ways.
- finding new meaning.
sharing the same family tree doesn’t often make people stay. find family in the ones who make you laugh uncontrollably. find family in the ones who take your side but also talk you through your wrongdoings. find family in the ones who would hop on a plane & fly across countries the moment you needed them. find family in the ones who rejoice in you, especially when you’re unsure of yourself. find the ones who will face the fire with you.
- they’re your real family.
hold tightly
to
the ones
who
not only
know you
but
take the time
& energy
to
understand
the intricacies
of your
magic.
- what’s truly important.
you are not
a disappointment.
you are not
the culmination
of what people
expect of you.
- life is not a pass or fail.
you may
be
a product
of whoever
raised you,
- you choose
but you
belong
to nobody
except
- your own future.
the
ways
in which
they
suffer
themselves
is not
an excuse
to
make you
suffer
in
return.
- let me get “controversial” for a moment II.
sometimes—
sometimes,
it’s the loss
of someone
that makes you
complete.
- life is funny like that.
grief will
never truly be
done with you.
when
you’re ready,
take it in your hands
like a paintbrush.
like a charcoal.
like a pen.
turn it
into a thing that
could hang in museums.
- masterpiece.
most hauntings can be explained away by normal, everyday occurrences—old water pipes, a crumbling foundation, a family of mice scurrying around in the attic. other times, we’re the ones haunting ourselves. give your ghost a voice. open up all the doors & windows. let the world hear you. let them carry the hurt your shoulders can no longer bear to hold.
- only then will you be finally be free.
when the veil between the living & the departed is thinnest every year, i come to you for guidance. this year, i pull the reaper. if i didn’t know any better, i would be terrified, but i feel nothing but peace. after all, the reaper rarely actually comes with warnings of death or catastrophe. this year, i know he comes in place of you. you tell me it’s time to stop taking these walks through the past & to start making room for the future. when life gives us new beginnings, we need to take them, because there are never enough of them.
- your death in reverse.
acknowledgments
this book—no, this series—is what it is because of your lovely artwork, munise sertel. thank you so much for working with me again!
my sister, courtney, helped me with this book more than she will ever realize. thank you for encouraging me to tell this story, even when it got messy & even a little bit scary at times. you know what? i think i might love you more than ketchup.
of course, a thousand thank-yous to my ever-supportive dad & stepmom. for every book you buy. for every event you go to. for every facebook post you share. for every cat picture sent. your support will always mean the world to me.
without my spouse, cyrus parker, i probably would have quit this writing thing a long time ago. many thanks for keeping me inspired & with coffee. <3
my critique partner, the extremely lovely christine day, is another reason why i stay motivated. whenever i fear for the worst, you bring me back to reality & help me get my shit together. for that, i will always be grateful. here’s to our second series together & to (hopefully) many more to come! *clink*
trista mateer, aka peaches—“thank you” will never be enough to account for just how much you helped with this book, but thank you anyway for making it a much less traumatic experience than it would have been. i’m pretty sure you “get” my books more than i do!
endless gratitude to my faithful beta reader, mira kennedy. where would i be today without your grammar corrections? nowhere, that’s where. thank you for sticking around.
thank you to nikita (fucking) gill for keeping me empowered enough to keep going in all aspects of my life, but especially when it comes to my writing. i adore you, my queen. my sister. my everything. i want to be you when i grow up.
to my editor, patty rice, as well as the rest of my team at andrews mcmeel publishing: thank you for having faith in me & for making this weird little book series possible in the first place!
lastly, thank you, whether you’ve been supporting my work since book one, or you just started now. this journey wouldn’t be worth it without you.
about the author
having grown up a word-devourer & avid fairy tale lover, it was only natural that amanda lovelace began writing books of her own. so she did. when she isn’t reading or writing, she can be found waiting for pumpkin spice coffee to come back into season & binge-watching gilmore girls. (before you ask: team jess all the way.) the lifelong poetess & storyteller currently lives in new jersey with her spouse, their ragdolls, & a combined book collection so large it will soon need its own home. she is a two-time winner of the goodreads choice award for best poetry as well as a usa today & publishers weekly bestseller.
index
a guide on how to self-destruct.
aren’t mothers supposed to protect?
because i would have you.
because you’re never truly alone with a book.
bittersweet.
blindfold.
books upon books upon books.
cancer.
chasing emily.
communication was never our strong suit.
dependent.
“depression doesn’t exist.”
don’t accept scraps.
even if you knew, it wouldn’t have changedanything.
family heirloom.
family heirloom II.
finding new meaning.
ghost-daughter.
ghost-mother.
going . . . going . . . gone.
hard feelings.
here’s hoping.
how can life be over so quickly?
how could i not love you?
how i say “i love you.”
how i say “i love you” II.
i don’t mind being lied to, baby.
i don’t want to think about what’s next.
impossibilities.
i still don’t know.
it always sounded like “the thing that ruined everything.”
it doesn’t have to make sense.
it doesn’t have to make sense II.
it feels more like a nightmare.
i tried desperately to be her anyway.
it’s because you cast a shadow nowhere.
it’s not your fault that you trusted them.
it’s time to begin the procession.
it was just wishful thinking.
i’ve always been whole on my own.
i will never live a life of quiet again.
let me get “controversial” for a moment II.
life doesn’t have to be a horror show.
life is funny like that.
life is not a pass or fail.
long-distance friendships.
lucid.
masterpiece.
maybe that’s why i write.
maybe there is none.
my empress in reverse.
my high priestess.
my ledger.
my reliable forever.
my six of cups reversed.
never will i forget again.
nobody deserves that kind of pain.
no light, no sun.
no small feat.
not before i mend my own wing.
not even myself.
now you’re the ghost story & i can’t bringmyself to watch those shows anymore.
only then will you be finally be free.
our five of swords.
power is power even if it takes.
red lies.
selfishly, i kissed them anyway.
some lessons we must learn for ourselves.
something toxic.
sometimes there is no meaning.
striking.
sun-showers.
thank you for your sacrifice.
the cleansing.
the conjuring.
the courage i never felt before.
the cracked compass.
the letter i cannot send.
the letter i cannot send II.
the letter i cannot send III.
the respect i’d never been shown.
there was never any winning with you.
there was never any winning with you II.
the universe marvels at you.
the worst tragedy of all.
they can be one in the same.
they’re your real family.
they were right.
this has always been the secret to our survival.
together, we are strong as hell.
tug of war.
welcome home.
we’re the only thing that matters.
we were all each other had.
what eats me alive.
what if it’s nothing?
what if they disappear like you did?
what it feels to belong.
what’s truly important.
which parts make up a mother?
white lies.
with age comes wisdom.
you choose
you left me in life-saving hands.
your death in reverse.
you’re everywhere & nowhere all at once.
your own future.
your words.
you were just keeping me company.
to drink coffee with a ghost copyright © 2019 by Amanda Lovelace. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
Andrews McMeel Publishing
a division of Andrews McMeel Universal
1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106
www.andrewsmcmeel.com
ISBN: 978-1-4494-9427-8
Library of Congress Control Number: 2019938136
Illustrations by Munise Sertel
Editor: Patty Rice
Designer/Art Director: Julie Barnes
Production Editor: Dave Shaw
Production Manager: Cliff Koehler
Digital Production: Kristen Minter
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Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department: specialsales@amuniversal.com.