It’s about a man who discovers he has three balls –
NARRATOR
Across the room George and Gwen mingle with the guests without losing sight of Charles with Rogers and Gilliatt.
GILLIATT
– and he says to the man in the next stall, ‘You’d never think that between us we’ve got five balls.’ And the other man says – (Gilliatt goes falsetto.) ‘By! You must have a cluster.’
Silence.
NICOLA
I don’t understand it.
Charles laughs loudly.
NARRATOR
Gwen and George, seeing this, are gratified that Rogers and Gilliatt have succeeded in cheering Charles up. Their gratification turns to embarrassment as Charles does not stop laughing and the other guests begin to fall silent.
Charles stops laughing and Gwen starts crying again.
MOURNER 1
Music.
SCENE 16: SITTING ROOM
Dog panting.
HARRIET
The only one who’s really sad is the dog. Charles didn’t even like our dead dad. They were always at loggerheads. What does that mean?
Pages being flicked through.
GWEN
What are you doing, dear?
HARRIET
Looking-up ‘loggerheads’. As in the phrase ‘at loggerheads’.
GWEN
What an inquiring mind you have, dear.
HARRIET
Miss McArthur says that if we were more careful how we used words and gave things their right name there would be no more misunderstandings.
Footsteps. Door opening.
GWEN
(going out into the hall)
Quite right. (Calling.) Charles.
CHARLES
(from upstairs)
What?
GWEN
Here’s Whisky waiting.
CHARLES
(from above)
I don’t want any.
NARRATOR
Thus is Miss McArthur’s technique proved wrong.
Door opening, footsteps.
GWEN
And what does ‘loggerhead’ mean, dear?
HARRIET
A long tool.
GWEN
(faintly)
Really? Well, one lives and learns.
SCENE 17: EXT. STREET
Street sounds, maybe a passing car. Footsteps, sounds of Whisky’s snuffling. Tramp singing ‘Show Me the Way to Go Home’.
NARRATOR
It’s night. Charles is walking the dog. He sits on a seat and the dog sits beside him. A tramp lurches along the road and stops under a lamp post. He drinks from a bottle in a paper bag. Suddenly the dog bounds away and over to the drunk, jumping up at him excitedly. Charles is puzzled, and tries to make out the drunk more clearly.
Dog barking.
CHARLES
Whisky. Whisky.
NARRATOR
The drunk looks at Charles and lurches out of the lamplight.
CHARLES
Dad? Dad?
NARRATOR
The dog comes disconsolately back. The tramp has disappeared. Lying on the pavement is a brown paper bag. Charles picks it up.
CHARLES
Dad’s favourite.
NARRATOR
The bottle is the same brand of whisky he found in his father’s bed.
Music.
SCENE 18: BEDROOM
NARRATOR
In their parents’ bedroom Charles and Harriet are still going through their father’s clothes.
HARRIET
Terrible ties. Weren’t his ties terrible.
NARRATOR
Charles is without his trousers, trying on an overlarge jacket in front of the mirror.
CHARLES
Whisky knew him.
HARRIET
No, smelled the Scotch probably.
CHARLES
Somebody gave Dad that drink.
HARRIET
(matter-of-factly)
Uncle George. Why not? Anyway you were never mad about Dad.
CHARLES
It’s the principle of the thing.
Doorbell rings, front door is opened.
SCENE 19: FRONT DOOR/HALLWAY
CANVASSER
I’m canvassing on behalf of the Conservative Party.
GWEN
Pity. My husband was a lifelong Conservative, only now he’s dead. But you can still count on me. I’m left.
Front door closes, footsteps coming downstairs.
GWEN
Charles. Isn’t that Daddy’s suit jacket?
CHARLES
Yes.
GWEN
Darling. I don’t want to see Daddy’s suit jackets paraded round the house. I’ve got a broken heart, remember? There must be half-a-dozen people in Africa would be in seventh heaven with a jacket like that. It’s Hall and Curtis. Try. Do try and think of my feelings for a change.
HARRIET
Uncle George is wearing his overcoat.
GWEN
Uncle George is Daddy’s build. Also, I think you should stop calling him Uncle George. He’s not your uncle. He’s … just a friend of the family. You must call him George. Like a person.
CHARLES
GWEN
Yes. I want you to stop calling me Mother. Or Mum. You’re grown-up now. Call me Gwen.
CHARLES
(incredulously)
Gwen?
GWEN
(happily)
Yes. It’s my name.
CHARLES
Why?
GWEN
Because Daddy’s dead. When Daddy was alive we were Daddy and Mummy. Now Daddy’s dead I think we should go back to Gwen again.
CHARLES
I’m losing my bearings. You’re not Mother, but what’s this? Still a table? Home is it still? Do we go on calling it the family?
GWEN
We don’t want any of your university talk here, Charles.
CHARLES
Sorry, Gwen.
GWEN
The last time he wore that suit was at Ramsgate. You’ve no heart. It’s dead men’s shoes.
HARRIET
No, it isn’t. We burned the shoes. They didn’t fit.
Music.
SCENE 20: BANK MANAGER’S OFFICE
NARRATOR
At the Bank, Mr Nightingale, the bank manager, is having a conversation in his office with Gwen. Meanwhile George is gazing out of the window.
NIGHTINGALE
So many people think of us as villains. We aren’t the villain. There is no villain. We’re just an ordinary business … but whereas an ordinary business sells … confectionery, say, or ladies’ lingerie, we sell money.
GWEN
How much did he have?
NARRATOR
A black deposit box of some weight sits on Nightingale’s desk.
Unlocking deposit box.
NIGHTINGALE
Now then. (To himself.) Dear me. Don’t know how the bottles got here.
Papers ruffling, The chink of bottles.
… Frank was a scamp and officially banks don’t like scamps but I’m a bit of a scamp myself, and as I said to Frank, we scamps must stick together. So thanks to le banque … Frank was a scamp with life insurance.
He takes out various items from the box as he says this.
With a paid-up mortgage and with a nice little portfolio of shares. It’s true he had his liquidity problems …
GWEN
(alarmed)
Nobody knows that?
GEORGE
I think Birdie is talking about cash flow.
NIGHTINGALE
… but you’re left, my dear, all in all, with a very nice going-on.
GWEN
Dear Frank.
NIGHTINGALE
How’re the children taking it. Bearing up?
GEORGE
The boy’s being a bit of a dismal Jimmy.
GWEN
George.
GEORGE
No, Gwennie, love. Here you are, donning your sensible shoes and striding purposefully into the sunset whereas young fellow-me-lad is going round looking like a prolapsed blancmange. A real piss-pot.
GWEN
George.
GEORGE
I just hope it’s not …
GWEN
What?
GEORGE
Well … mental.
GWEN
No. He loved his father.
GEORGE
So did you, my precious.
GWEN
I wondered …
GEORGE
What, my dear?
GWEN
If Nicola happened to be at a loose end …
NIGHTINGALE
Yes?
GWEN
If she and Charles could …
NIGHTINGALE
I think they call it ‘get it together’.
GWEN
Mind you, one wouldn’t want to bring on her dyslexia again.
GEORGE
I think you mean anorexia, dear.
GWEN
Do I?
NIGHTINGALE
Probably. But yes. Yes. After all, they’re both young people.
GEORGE
(sotto voce)
And while you’re about it, put out the odd feeler. Is he going round the twist or isn’t he? After all, you know the signs. How is Nicola?
NIGHTINGALE
Fine. I think all that was just puberty.
GEORGE
Really? I didn’t know it still existed. Let’s go, Gwen. (To Nightingale.) Make no mistake about it, Birdie, this is a wonderful woman!
SCENE 21: BANK MANAGER’S OFFICE
NARRATOR
Charles now signs papers at Nightingale’s desk as Nightingale points out the places for his signature.
NIGHTINGALE
Here. And … here … and here.
The scratch of pen on paper.
CHARLES
I thought of you this morning.
NIGHTINGALE
Me? Did you?
CHARLES
I was unblocking the sink. It was full of bits of grease and decaying vegetable matter and somehow your name came up.
NIGHTINGALE
(passing this off)
Ha. Ha. Nearly done.
More scratchings of pen on paper.
CHARLES
Ever thought of opening a window?
NIGHTINGALE
It is hot.
CHARLES
Actually it’s quite cold. I meant on account of the stench.
NIGHTINGALE
(sniffing)
It’s probably the central heating.
CHARLES
No. It’s money. The place stinks of money.
NIGHTINGALE
Ha ha. Well, it’s a bank. All done.
CHARLES
(sniffing Nightingale)
You stink of money, Birdie.
NIGHTINGALE
(sniffing himself)
Yes. I suppose I do.
Music.
SCENE 22: GARDEN
Birdsong, sounds of croquet, spit of a barbecue, the ropes of a swing creaking.
NARRATOR
George is doing a barbecue in the garden. Charles and Nicola are playing croquet. Harriet observes it all from a swing at the end of the garden.
GEORGE
Does that smell delicious? Or does it smell delicious?
GWEN
Charles and Nicola seem to be hitting it off nicely.
A loud whack of a croquet mallet.
NICOLA
Oh Charles, no …
GEORGE
(calling)
Come along, chaps and chapesses. Food. Here you are, Nicola, get that bit of meat inside you.
NICOLA
Isn’t that rather big?
GEORGE
No. Put lead in your pencil. Charles.
CHARLES
Ah! A spot of much needed sustenance, George!
GWEN
Mustard, Charles?
CHARLES
That’s very civil of you. Thank you, Gwen. Mustard, George?
GEORGE
Thank you.
CHARLES
Salt, Gwen?
GWEN
No, thank you. Where’s Harriet. Oh, on that swing. Harriet! Food!
SCENE 23: GARDEN
The regular creaking of the ropes of a swing.
HARRIET
George is here just about every day now. I don’t know what he sees in her. Even were one to discount her fascinating mind there’s very little there. I tackled her on Milton the other day, she thought we were discussing disinfectant. They haven’t actually committed sexual intercourse yet, but he’d better get his skates on as she’s teetering on the edge of the menopause. Though Miss McArthur says in some women it’s just a hiccup.
SCENE 24: GARDEN
Barbecue and plates being collected up.
GWEN
No. I don’t think Harriet’s shy. She’s just very old-fashioned.
CHARLES
Oh. Are we stacking? Thank you, Gwen. That was delicious.
GWEN
Thank George.
CHARLES
Thank you, George.
NICOLA
Thank you.
GWEN
There! You see. You’ve eaten every scrap.
NARRATOR
Whisky, the dog, sits contentedly by Nicola, with his paw on her knee.
GEORGE
I’ll just have a meander round. Stretch the old legs.
NARRATOR
He takes a walking stick and goes off round the corner of the house to where Charles’s car is standing. He looks round, furtively, then bends over one of the back tyres.
The hiss of air deflating from a tyre.
SCENE 25: SITTING ROOM
Music.
NARRATOR
That evening Charles and Nicola sit side by side on the sofa. Gwen idly looks at the paper. George sits tranquilly by the fire.
Rustling of newspaper.
GWEN
I see the pound’s had another nervous day.
Pause.
Oh. ‘Fire destroys Norway’s biggest paint factory.’
Pause.
‘Parties neck and neck in opinion polls race.’
GEORGE
(getting up)
Well. Shades of night. About time you were transporting your little lady homewards, Charles.
CHARLES
Just what I was thinking, George.
GWEN
(disappointed)
Oh.
CHARLES
What, Gwen?
GWEN
Nothing, dear.
CHARLES
What about you, George? Can I drop you?
GEORGE
Much obliged, old chap, but I think, if the management approves, I’ll bed down in the spare room.
GWEN
Oh, yes.
NICOLA
(kiss)
Goodnight, George. (Kiss.) Goodnight, Gwen.
GWEN
You’re so pretty.
Charles and Nicola leave room, door closes.
GWEN
Pity. I was hoping something very young and beautiful was going to happen.
NARRATOR
A few moments later, the young people return.
Sitting room door opens.
GEORGE
(brightly)
Changed your mind?
CHARLES
No transport. A puncture, George.
GWEN
Really? Nicola’ll have to stay the night.
NICOLA
I can’t.
GEORGE
Why?
NICOLA
I don’t have a toothbrush.
GEORGE
I’m sure Mrs Boss Lady can find you one. Anyway I think I’ll toddle on up. Night all.
GWEN
Goodnight!
Pause.
I don’t think George has got a towel.
NARRATOR
She gets up and goes, leaving Charles and Nicola. They sit for a moment, then Nicola puts her hand on Charles’s knee.
NICOLA
Oh Charles!
SCENE 26: LANDING
NARRATOR
Upstairs, George goes into one room, Gwen into another. They flash each other a quick conspiratorial smile.
SCENE 27: CHARLES’S BEDROOM
NARRATOR
In Charles’s bedroom, Charles and Nicola are in bed. Charles gets off the inert Nicola. Intimacy has clearly not taken place.
NICOLA
Never mind. I’m glad.
CHARLES
Glad?
NICOLA
We can just be together. That’s what I like best, really. I sometimes wish that was all there was, just being together, and you didn’t have to have the other.
CHARLES
I sometimes wish there was just the other and you didn’t have to have the being together.
NICOLA
You don’t really mean that.
CHARLES
(savagely)
Shut up. Listen.
Creaking bed from next door.
NICOLA
Oh, isn’t that nice?
CHARLES
Nice? Nice? My father is dead.
NICOLA
They’re only people.
CHARLES
They’re going on and on and on. No. They’ve stopped. Doubtless they’re doing your favourite now: being together.
Creaking starts again.
CHARLES
Jesus. They’re at it again.
NICOLA
(weeping)
It’s … it’s normal.
CHARLES
Normal? Christ! It’s my mother.
SCENE 28: STANLEY AND LILLIAN’S LIVING ROOM
Sexual grunts and groans.
NARRATOR
More sex and Charles is listening intently. But this time it’s not sex between George and Gwen, it’s the Acme Players performing a scene from A Streetcar Named Desire in and around the house of Stanley and Lillian, watched by a dozen or so people that include Charles, Rogers and Gilliatt
PLAYER 2 (STANLEY)
Oh! So you want some rough-house! All right, let’s have some rough-house!
NARRATOR
The actors playing Blanche and Stella are in drag.
PLAYER 1 (BLANCHE)
Stella –
PLAYER 2 (STELLA)
Yes, Blanche?
PLAYER 1 (BLANCHE)
If anyone calls while I’m bathing take the number and tell them I’ll call right back.
PLAYER 2 (STELLA)
Yes.
PLAYER 1 (BLANCHE)
That cool yellow silk – the bouclé. See if it’s crushed. If it’s not too crushed I’ll wear it, and on the lapel that silver and turquoise pin in the shape of a seahorse …
The play continues under the whispered dialogue of Stanley and Lillian.
LILLIAN