slacking now.”
“You’re so bossy! Yes, I’m watching you. I only
managed to scrape through my schooling, too, you
know.”
Alex
was
already
training
semi-
professionally when he did his school exams and
studying was not a priority for him either.
Chris looks over. “But I bet you can read and
write better than me.” She squints at the various
boxes of the form and struggles to fill them out. She
is so slow at this and she hates herself for it.
At one point, she kicks her long legs out with
frustration brought on by the whole process. “I can’t
do this!” She throws her pen down.
Alex picks it up and shoves it back in her hand.
“Come on. Don’t be impatient now.”
Chris has to force herself to carry on. Damn it. If
she can’t even pass this first test… She stares at the
next question. “What’s this? Highest quality…?”
Alex takes a look over the form. “Qualifications.”
Chris pouts. “What does it mean? I don’t have any
qualifications. Isn’t that the point of me going back
to college?”
“No, it means the last thing you studied. Like
what were your GCSE grades? Did you pass any
exams?”
“Oh!” Chris is grateful that Alex is always so
patient when it comes to helping her. She returns to
317
the question and carefully writes them out.
Alex reads Chris’s grades and grins. Chris scowls
at him.
“Sorry. I’m not laughing at you. I’m thinking
about my own results.”
“What?” Chris is still staring at Alex with
mistrust.
“I only got two passes as well. A ‘D’ in human
biology and an ‘E’ in English. What a pair we are!”
Alex shakes his head.
Chris rolls her eyes. “Why don’t you apply to
come to the classes with me? I can picture you
sitting at the back of the classroom!”
In her imagination, the room has these kid’s size
desks and chairs; Alex would struggle not to break
them.
Alex smiles as if he can see that image too. “Nah, I
don’t think so. I’ll leave the studying to the brainy
one. Besides, I’ve got to bring home the bacon.”
Chris hits him with her pen again. “I don’t need
your money and I don’t eat bacon.”
Alex laughs. “All the more for me. So, what
subjects are you taking?”
Chris looks pained, her eyes feeling funny from
concentrating too much. She should take an eye
test, too. “I need three good grades, so perhaps
English and biology. And I’ll retake maths to get a
better result. I don’t need to decide until the
beginning of term.”
~~~
Chris chews the top of the pen when she’s not
writing.
318
“You’re so cute with your big eyes and pen-
chewing.”
She stares at Alex until he backtracks.
“I mean, your determination is kinda catching.”
He reaches out and kisses her.
When they break off, Chris pushes him away. “No
time for this kind of thing for me now. Education
and career come first!”
Alex laughs some more, prompting Chris to
punch his arm again.
“Take me seriously. Damn it!”
“I do! I do!” Alex pretends to dodge the blows,
which are hardly making a dent. Then he grabs
Chris’s wrists and stops her. “I take you seriously. I
love you, Chris.”
Chris’s eyes widen as she stares at Alex and her
vision turns white. So many have said those three
words to her over the years because they were in
lust and fucking her, or they wanted to. That’s why
she spent years believing love was overrated and it
only gave people false hope.
“You…mean it?”
“Absolutely.”
She could reconsider it. It. Love. Big fucking scary
word.
Chris opens her mouth to say something, but Alex
puts his forefinger on her lips. “Shh. It’s okay. You
don’t have to love me back out of obligation, but I
do love you.”
Chris wants to love Alex. She’ll have to learn how
to, like the education that she’d missed out on.
She’ll sign up now and see what happens. She will
learn to care for another person and get a good
319
grade in it. For now, she thinks the world of Alex
and that’s enough. He’s strong and gentle, calm and
patient, serious and vulnerable. He deserves to be
loved and Chris will get there. That decision makes
her chest swell, so she smiles in acknowledgement
and marvels at the sight of Alex that has made her
dare to hope.
~~~
Later that night, Alex comes home from his shift
and walks straight into their bedroom. Chris grins,
pretending to be asleep. With her eyes closed, Chris
imagines Alex is pleased to see her, how he strips in
the dark, revealing his hard body covered by the
tattoos. All his ripped muscles capable of protecting
her and warming her every night.
She feels the mattress dip when Alex gets in. His
strong chest close to her back and rough fingers on
Chris’s cool skin, the connection arouses her from
her sleep.
“Hey. I love the smell of sweat on you.”
“Sorry. Should I shower?” Alex offers.
“Hmm, no? I like to rub my face against your
armpit, especially after sex.”
Alex giggles. “Kinky. Go back to sleep. I didn’t
mean to wake you.”
“It’s okay. I was awake.”
Alex circles his fingers on Chris’s neck and
shoulder. “How was the youth project?”
Chris smiles in the dark. “It’s good. Really good.”
For the first time, she’s contributing something and
not getting paid. She understands now why Alex
volunteers at the boxing club.
320
Alex kisses her shoulder with such a sweet, tender
stroke of his lips. No one would believe that’s what
Alex Whale is capable of. “Great. I knew you’d be a
wonderful carer.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
Alex chuckles. “I hope you don’t talk to the kids
that way.”
“I’m sure they’ve heard worse.”
Alex’s kisses become more urgent, and Chris
responds as heat grows inside of her. Alex turns her
around and trails his tongue down Chris’s neck and
front, licking the hard nipples and down the pale
flesh. He wraps his mouth around Chris’s cock and
sucks, using a little teeth as Chris has taught him.
“Fuck!” Chris moans and bucks up, pushing
further into Alex’s mouth. Chris can tell Alex is
trying hard to please her, applying techniques that
remain a little alien to him. His admiring brown
eyes, not sk
ills, are enough to turn her on.
When Alex finally releases Chris’s cock, she’s
ready to combust.
“You’ve got a perfect dick, Chris, like the rest of
you.” Alex smears pre-cum around the head. “Do
you wanna top?”
Chris cups Alex’s head in her hands. “You want
me to? Are you sure?”
“Yeah, want you.” Alex takes off his boxers,
revealing his own erection. Chris imagines he’d be
intimidating for a smaller sexual partner. Chris
doesn’t mind because when Alex leaves her a bit
sore after sex, it reminds her of him in her, within
her.
“Turn around.”
321
Alex does, and Chris lifts his arse up. Chris uses
her tongue on Alex, pulling out all the stops to prep
him. Alex responds by groaning and wriggling,
desperate for his first bottoming experience.
Chris smirks at Alex. “Big Blue’s tight arse. I’m so
spoilt.”
She finds a condom from their bedside table,
tears the foil packet open with her teeth and rolls it
on. She drizzles extra lube on the condom. She’s
determined to make Alex’s first time special.
Alex steals a glance at his lover. “I’ve been
wondering about your dick inside me for so long.
It’s one of my favourite sexual fantasies about you.”
Chris leans down and kisses Alex’s cheek. Her
erection aligns with Alex’s arsehole. “No pressure!
Relax and it won’t hurt.”
“I trust you,” Alex says.
That brings out a crooked grin on Chris’s face.
She admires the muscles of Alex’s back and the
tattoos. The beautiful lines of the wild animals, like
Alex, who is soft and strong at the same time. Life is
a paradox, too. Sometimes Alex finds it reassuring
when Chris laughs at the bad stuff. If they can find
humour together, they will survive.
“Can I see you when you fuck me?” Alex’s voice is
muffled on the mattress. Their favourite sex
positions allow them to maintain eye contact. One
of them lies down on the bed or they face each other
on their sides. When they don’t want to fuck, they
touch and kiss, sometimes for hours in their own
non-sex heaven.
“Sure. Turn over.”
Alex does and Chris pushes his legs back at the
322
knees. Chris considers Alex, now slick with her
saliva and lube, and inches in, stretching Alex, who
issues soft appreciation of the fullness. When Chris
is buried, she angles to hit the sensitive spot inside
of Alex and is rewarded with a pleasant sigh. Sweat
beads on Alex’s chest and face, his eyes dazed from
the intensity of his first experience of getting
fucked. Chris slows down as she nears climax and
takes Alex’s cock in her hand. That way, she
controls their orgasms. Chris lets herself go only
after she knows her lover is satisfied. She delves
into Alex hard until her whole body shakes and
stiffens.
Chris gazes at the deep tawny of Alex’s eyes.
“Come here.” Alex beckons.
Her breathing calming, Chris withdraws and
disposes of the condom. She scoots up to reach
Alex’s broad chest and puts her ear against Alex’s
heart, marvelling at the wild thumps. Chris inhales
the fresh sweat from Alex, her favourite scent.
“How was it? Your first time with a cock up your
arse.” Chris smiles against Alex’s bare skin.
“It was…great. I didn’t feel weird. It felt right to
have a dick inside of me. Your dick.” Alex laughs
and Chris follows him, her shoulders shaking.
“What about you? Tell me about your first time,”
Alex whispers, as though he’s asking about
something elicit.
“My first time?” Chris winces. “You don’t want to
know.”
“Yes, I do.”
Chris inhales. “I was fourteen, and he was this
other kid in the school. Big and hot. We did it in his
323
bed when his parents were away one night. That’s
it.”
Alex frowns. “Was he your boyfriend?”
Chris shakes her head. “No. He didn’t use a
condom, saying he’d never done it without one and
since I was a virgin, it’d be okay. It was painful as
hell, but he wouldn’t stop when I told him to. He
was a lot stronger than me. And as soon as we’d
fucked, he stopped talking to me. He said I’d been
gagging to take him up my arse since I was a slut
anyway. They used to laugh at me and my mum at
school. That’s it. It hurt. A lot.”
It was a combination of physical and emotional
hurt, a mix that would soon become familiar to her.
Alex kisses Chris’s cheek. “What a stupid fuck.”
“Well, I used to specialise in dating assholes and
bitches. What can I say? I’m an idiot.”
“They didn’t deserve you, and you didn’t love
them. Not really.”
Chris’s eyes dim. “That’s a cliché but true.”
“You really do deserve better. I want to chase off
the memory of every fucking terrible thing that has
happened to you.”
Chris blinks. Over the years she has built herself a
fortress, brick by brick, commemorating every hurt
she has suffered. Its walls are thick. To let Alex in,
she will have to let him open this fortress, dismantle
the walls.
Chris can hear the door opening. It squeaks due
to lack of use, but still. Alex has the key.
sweetheart?”
“Sam. Yeah.”
324
Alex steals another kiss from Chris, who can’t
keep her eyes open.
“Now, go to sleep,” Alex whispers.
Exhaustion washes over her. It’s been a long day.
“Night, Alex.”
“Night, Chris.”
325
CHAPTER 17
FAITH
JESS WANTS CHRIS to paint her nails dark blue.
“Are you sure it’s all right with school? I still
remember the shit I got for violating the uniform
code,” Chris says. She has noticed Jess’s make-up
today.
Jess lifts her face and squints. “It’s half-term
holiday. I’m not back to school till Monday so I’ll
take it off on Sunday night, okay?” She gives the
small bottle of varnish to Chris.
“All right. As long as you don’t wear it to school, I
guess it’ll be fine.” Chris smiles. “Listen to me,
talking like a responsible grown-up telling the kid
off!”
They giggle and enjoy the closeness between them
as Chris concentrates on Jess’s nails. The teenager
blinks at Chris. “When… when did you start to think
you are a girl?”
Chris can’t look up so she answers without eye
contact. “Hmm. I was twelve. Actually, I don’t want
to be a girl. I don’t want to be only a boy or a girl i
f
that makes sense?”
“Oh.” There’s a hint of disappointment in Jess’s
voice but then she nods. “I understand. Gender-
fluid, right?”
“Yeah. Generally queer, I guess.” Chris finishes
one hand and looks up at Jess. “So, what about you?
326
Tell me about yourself, if you want.”
Jess bites her lip. “I was about eight or nine. I
hated everything that boys were supposed to do,
and I felt wrong. I’d like to transition someday.”
Jess is thirteen. The public health service provides
some help for trans kids under eighteen, but
accessing advice can be a problem without her
parents’ support.
“Have you seen a doctor or spoken to your
parents about it?” Chris asks gently.
Tears swim in Jess’s brown eyes. “My mum may
be okay with it, I guess. I’ve always told her I’m not
a boy. She’s nice. She listens to me. My stepdad
would rather see me dead than believe I’m a girl.
I’ve only been reading about it online.”
Chris hopes Rosie and the youth group can help
Jess face the obstacles ahead. Hope. She didn’t have
much of that either when she was Jess’s age.
Chris grins in encouragement and finishes Jess’s
nails, blowing on the lacquer to help them dry. “You
should speak to your mum, then, and maybe see a
doctor and take it from there.”
Jess glances at Chris. “I don’t know. My stepdad
won’t have any of it.”
“Perhaps Rosie will have some idea what you can
do.” Chris arranges Jess’s hands and spreads her
fingers for the nails to dry. That, at least, Chris can
do for Jess. As an untrained volunteer, she can’t and
is not allowed to counsel the kids.
“I want to be like you when I grow up.” Jess gazes
at Chris again. She smiles shyly. “You are…you’re so
beautiful.”
Chris laughs and Jess joins in. “That’s flattering.
327
Thank you, but being me is not that special. Trust
me. You can be whoever you want to be, Jess. Don’t
be me.”
Jess frowns, seemingly not convinced that Chris
isn’t special. “Did you want to be anyone else when
you were young?”
“I’m still young!” Chris starts to giggle again.
Working with teens has given her brand-new
perspectives on her own life. She thinks about her
childhood and what she’s been doing to support
herself. “I was always pretending to be someone
else, so I dreamt about being me. To be left alone.”