for hookups, flirt on Grindr or whatever. But Alex
means a proper date.” She lights up her blunt at
their dining table, waiting for Ali’s vegetarian
shepherd’s pie. She has already told them all about
Alex.
Ali whistles. “Wow, I remember Alex Whale on
the sports channel…” He hesitates as if pondering
whether he should mention the sensational news
but instead goes with, “What’s he like?”
Chris
smiles,
appreciating
her
friend’s
consideration. “He’s sweet. I know what happened
and his reputation, but he’s been nothing but gentle
and respectful. He treats me like a lady.”
Liam laughs. “I’d hope so and all.”
Ali serves up three portions of the pie and they all
tuck in.
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“How about you head down to Dalston? You say
he’s trying to avoid crowds, right?” Liam spoons
food into his mouth.
“Sounds like a good plan. We can grab some
dinner and have a quiet drink.”
“I never thought I’d see you like this, Chris,” Liam
comments.
“Huh? Like what?” She stirs the peas on her plate,
making patterns with the food.
“Fucking in love, is what it is. Look at you,
worrying about going on a date. You never used to
bother. I thought you’d mistaken fuck buddies for
lovers.” He chuckles.
“Laugh at me, why don’t you? Monogamy is a bad
look on me. Seriously, who’d want me? Really?”
Liam shakes his head. “Who just said the M-
word?”
Chris winks at Liam and raises her eyebrow at Ali,
who grins back.
“But this is you, Chris. You never take shit from
anyone. I didn’t know you could be serious like this.
You’re getting soft in your old age!”
Chris tuts. “Are you suggesting I’ve turned into
some kind of tart with a heart after all?”
Liam smiles. “Don’t fucking deny it. You help
your friends in need. I call that the definition of
someone with a good heart.”
“It makes me feel superior. Cuz my acquaintances
are all losers—drug addicts, whores, homeless
beggars, society rejects. Gah.” Chris shakes her head
fast until her cheeks tremble.
Liam and Ali laugh. Liam fulfilled all those
identifiers in his bad old days. When Chris first met
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him, he’d been a fucked-up junkie, but she’d helped
him with a place to live and more.
After they’ve settled down again, Liam tells Ali, “I
checked Alex out at the club.” Liam chews his food
and takes a sip of his beer. “He’s impressive. A big
beast of a man.”
Ali nods. “Yeah, I don’t watch much boxing but I
can remember.”
Liam says, “Maybe we can get together sometime,
the four of us. Ali will love that. Won’t you?” He
directs the last part at Ali, who smiles.
“Your friends are always welcome here. Of
course.”
“How fucking domesticated—a dinner party like
proper grown-ups.” Chris huffs. “I’ll ask him, but
he’s wary, you know. People come up to talk to him
all the time. They want photos and stuff. You never
know if they’re friendly or not.”
Ali nods. “I’m not surprised, given what
happened.”
There seems to be something that passes between
Liam and Ali as if Liam’s asking for permission.
“Have you, uh, done it yet?”
Chris shifts in her seat, uncomfortable with the
line of questioning. “We still haven’t had
penetrative sex yet. No.”
“Whoa, what the fuck!” Liam chokes on his
mashed potato. “Are you kidding me?”
Chris blinks several times, signalling to her
friends she’s deadly serious.
“Are you all right, Chris?” Liam frowns in mock
concern.
Chris pouts. “Well, it seems that everyone expects
me to behave like a nymphomaniac. I’d take it as a
compliment.”
“Sorry. I was next to your room for two years. The
amount of sex I heard broke some record for sure.”
Chris hits the side of Liam’s head.
“Ouch!”
“Alex plays to different rules, or I’ve changed. I
have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I really don’t
think I should be allowed out. Bring back the
Victorian asylum and lock me in! Throw away the
keys!” She forks some more pie into her mouth as a
distraction, but she’s been mostly stirring the
vegetables. Her plate looks like a tan face made out
of a harvest of carrots and peas.
Ali takes a sip from his beer, ignoring Chris’s self-
doubt. “I say go with how you feel. If it’s right, it’s
going to happen.” His eyes twinkle when he gazes at
Liam. “Who cares what’s expected of you, or what
ought to happen.” He reaches out to hold Liam’s
hand.
The couple are so in love that in the past Chris
would have felt a twinge of envy or faked throwing
up, but she has Alex now, and she can hold Alex’s
hand too, so all is well in her world.
~~~
Chris comes out of her bedroom in a long-sleeved
black dress with gathers at the waist. Smudgy eye
colour and lipstick. Strappy black pumps. Alex
swallows because he loves seeing her like this. He
loves Chris in anything or nothing. Full stop.
“Is this okay?” Chris smiles. The light shining on
her makes the small stud under her lip glitter.
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“You’re gorgeous. Hot. You’re pretty stunning.”
Alex has put on his good shirt again and a decent
pair of black trousers. Chris reaches out and touches
the kink of his nose.
“Glad you know a few words, but they all mean
the same thing.” Her eyes twinkle when she’s
amused. “Anyway, stop staring. Let’s step out before
we end up peeling all our clothes off and screwing.”
Alex barks out a laugh. “Good luck with that.”
They head out.
“I’m sure you’re punishing me for some reason,”
Alex murmurs, keeping up his jokey tone.
“Withholding sex…like some women do.”
Chris orders a taxi on her phone while she replies.
“I’m not some woman, and it’s sexist to assume only
women do that.”
“Sorry! I like it when you tell me off for things like
that.”
“Everyone uses sex. Sex is power. You negotiate
with sex. Sex in exchange for something else. I only
go about that in more obvious ways than others.
Call it honesty.”
Alex considers her face. “It doesn’t have to be that
way.” He squeezes her hand to reassure her.
They descend the three flights of stairs to the
street and wait by the front door to the building.
Chris hooks her arms aroun
d Alex’s as they stand
waiting by the door. “So, sex is one thing. My
genders. Some days I’m passing for a man,
especially if that’s what the johns expect. Other
times people look at me and think I’m a freak. It’s
exhausting.”
Alex leans down and kisses her cheek. “I’m sorry.
196
I hope you can be whoever you are with me and
never have to pretend.”
“You’re not very politically correct, but you’re a
quick learner when it comes to my queerness. I
could forgive you.” Chris smiles and elbows Alex,
whose grin spreads across his face.
The rumbling of a taxi approaching tells them
they’ve got transportation.
They decide on the cosy little pizza restaurant
after walking up and down the high street in
Dalston a couple of times. Instead of wearing his
usual baseball cap, which looks a little ridiculous at
the best of times, Alex has put on the beanie with a
visor that Chris bought him a few weeks ago. Chris
has insisted that he ditch his Ray-Bans.
“They stare at you because of the stupid
sunglasses!”
Alex sniggers. That’s another thing he likes about
her: she tells the truth and nothing but the truth.
As if proving Chris’s point, every pair of eyes in
the restaurant fall on the two people who have
strolled in. Whether people recognise Alex or not,
the two of them turn heads. Chris asks to sit in the
corner of the dining room, which should afford
them some privacy. After all, this is an up-and-
coming area of London where the punters must be
quite used to spotting minor celebrities.
They peruse the menu.
“One or two…” Chris glances up to Alex and
shrugs. “Silly question. I don’t think I can manage a
whole pizza, but still.”
Alex nods. “Definitely two. I can finish off yours. I
didn’t have a snack earlier. I was too nervous
197
waiting for you.”
“You were nervous because we were going out on
a date?” Chris tries to hide her laughter behind the
oversize menu.
“Yes.”
“Okay.” She squints at the menu and then pushes
it over to Alex, pointing at the name of a pizza. “Is
this the one with pesto?”
He reads it. “Yeah.”
“And a salad to share?”
“Perfect.”
Chris surveys the wine list on the back with the
same concentration. “May I have a glass of white
wine?”
“Of course. I’ll have a Diet Coke.”
She asks for a glass of house white instead of
negotiating the names of the different bottles.
Once they’ve ordered, they sit back and try to
relax. Alex avoids the gaze of the imaginary public;
Chris surveys the other patrons. Most of the diners
have turned their attention back to their meals.
“Some days I don’t want to go out, to go to work
and face the world. It’s hard not to picture the whole
restaurant ogling at me,” Alex admits.
“It’s okay. Don’t forget your bodyguard’s here.”
Chris grins and takes his hand across the table.
Alex smiles too. “You look even less like a
bodyguard tonight.”
“Hey, have you seen Charlie’s Angels?”
That cracks Alex up. “I’d love to see your stiletto
moves, darling.”
Chris rolls her perfectly made-up eyes, and her
long eyelashes flick. “I don’t do stilettos.”
198
Converse and women’s pumps and flats like
tonight’s, but no heels or platforms in Chris’s shoe
collection. Perhaps she’s too tall for them.
Their food arrives, and the stringy mozzarella
threatens to splash tomato sauce on Chris’s pretty
face, making Alex smile. Whenever they catch each
other’s eyes, fuzzy feelings are all around. After a
couple of slices, Chris stops, wipes her mouth and
clears her throat. Alex stares at her, knowing she’s
preparing for a serious talk.
“I don’t know why. Since we started with the
talking and getting to know each other, it feels weird
—thinking about ‘proper’ sex with you.” She draws
the quotations in the air with two fingers. “We’ll do
it soon, though. What do you think?”
Alex exhales with relief and chuckles. “Yes. It’d be
marvellous if you let us, Chris.”
“So, I get to decide if we have sex or not. I can’t
tell you how much I’m enjoying this power over you
right now.” Chris looks deadly serious.
Alex scratches his head, conscious of his wild
hair. “You’ve completely overpowered me, Chris,
with or without the sex. I can’t understand what
happened! It’s like losing round after round at
boxing. I’m not used to that!”
Chris can’t keep a straight face anymore and
laughs.
“Mr. Whale?” Alex and Chris look up at the young
man waiting with the restaurant’s menu in his hand.
“Sorry to intrude, but… Could you sign this for me,
please?”
Alex has switched to fight mode and is vaguely
aware of Chris tensing too, but then he sees the
199
young man’s earnest face. He relaxes a little.
“Okay. I’m not the chef, though.” He takes the
menu and the offered pen. “What’s your name?”
“Ben. Ben Chapman.”
Alex writes out the guy’s full name carefully, then
adds, ‘All best, Alex Blue.’ He shows it to Chris and
then offers it to his fan.
The younger man is so chuffed. “I watched your
fights all the time…” He glances at Chris. “Are you…
going to box again?” He would have been a teenager
when Alex was still in the game.
Alex closes his eyes for a split second. “Sorry, but
I’ve retired now.”
“Oh, okay.” Ben takes the menu back and reads
the autograph. “Thank you so much!” Clutching it
close and smiling, he returns to his seat.
“Alex Blue. I like that.” Chris’s dimples deepen.
“So, is that who you are now? Retired at thirty-
three?”
~~~
A small V forms between Alex’s brows as he tells
her how hard it is for him to even sit in a public
place like this, let alone cope with the televised
fights. She notices the little crow’s feet that have
appeared around Alex’s eyes. She loves them on
him.
“My old manager wants me to do some comeback
fights.” Alex wrings his hands. “But going back
professionally means trainers, a manager and media
circuits.”
“Oh. Will you? Do you want to?”
Alex sighs. “Not if I can help it. I don’t need the
200
money, though my folks could use some help. Sam’s
family. They’re still pissed off with me, as you can
imagine.”
“Oh!”
“I won’t bore you with the legend of Sam Taylor
senior. Some may call him a gangster, but I’ve
always thought Taylor is a shrewd businessman
who’s happy to do the dodgy deals. He could use his
connections to track me down. He probably hasn’t
done it because he’s not an unreasonable man. The
Essex lot don’t know that.”
“He sounds like a tough Essex gang boss, all
right.”
“Well, he liked me from the start and he always
treated me like a son. But then, I haven’t seen him
since the court hearings and at the sentencing. He
looked impassive across the sea of black suits, like
we were at a funeral for the living.” Alex looks away,
and Chris reaches across the table to hold his hand.
Alex continues. “I’m sure part of me died during
those weeks, but it was what I deserved. I wished I
were dead instead of Sam. I deserve all the
punishment I get.”
“But you’re here, doing the best you can. She’d be
proud of you, don’t you think?”
Alex sighs. “Maybe. I’ve been helping out at the
boxing club.”
“You gonna train the kids there?” Chris inclines
her head, curious to hear more.
Alex’s face lights up as he tells her about Devan’s
small outfit, waxing lyrical about the pay-what-you-
can sessions ‘Coach’ offers so poorer kids can go.
“Sounds cool. You should so totally do it!”
201
Alex grins. He picks up Chris’s hand and kisses
her knuckles.
Later, as they walk the few hundred yards to the
bar that Chris promises will be pretty stress-free,
Alex winds his arm around her shoulders. He can do
that with the few inches’ advantage.
They choose a small table in the corner of the
cavernous bar. They say cheers, clinking their
glasses together.
Chris looks down at her OJ. “It’s my birthday.”
Alex nearly chokes on his Coke. “Oh, why didn’t
you say? Twenty-seven, is it?”
Chris gives him an eye-roll. “Old enough. I didn’t
want you to fuss.”
Alex kisses her, and it goes on for several
minutes, sucking the air out of both of them. When
he breaks off, he shrugs. “Who’s going to fuss? I
don’t care for you at all.”
That earns him a thump on the shoulder. “Ouch!”
Alex feigns pain.
“Apparently, my life isn’t much to celebrate. It’s
damn luck I’m alive.” Chris stares at the mid-
distance, her mind far away.
Alex frowns. “What do you mean?”